peanut28 Posted November 15, 2013 Share Posted November 15, 2013 I've been a lurker for a while on this forum researching how to overcome retroactive jealousy. I've been struggling with it since May, and in those 7 months the hurtful feelings still won't go away...so I thought I'd post it here and blow some steam and hopefully get some advice from more experienced people Anyways I have good periods and bad periods...the bad feelings come and go. Sometimes I'll think about what my girlfriend has done in the past and tbh its laughable, and I realise this, but other times I get insanely upset at her sexual past and I lose sleep over it. Its not coming from a point of inexperience on my part (I'm not insecure at all). Its coming from me thinking that what she did was completely wrong...and I don't get much help from her either because she believes what she did was wrong as well. If she believed what she did was right I wouldn't be as distraught as I've been over the past 7 months (this is what I believe anyway...). I think I have these feelings because: 1. I have very strong beliefs about sex 2. She thinks it was wrong as well Oh yeah and she only slept with one person in the past, where as I was a virgin. I don't think my problem has anything to do with my inexperience..the root of the problem really lies in me firmly believing that what she did was wrong...I'm not sure if its possible to view her mistake as right in anyway...but I've been trying to convince myself that what she did was neither wrong or right...which I'm failing to do.. I know its stupid..I've read on these forums that others are dealing with huge sexual pasts like 10+ sexual partners...and I know my feelings are irrational..I just don't know how to make them go away. Any advice and different perspectives would be appreciated:o Link to post Share on other sites
Author peanut28 Posted November 15, 2013 Author Share Posted November 15, 2013 I think deep in my subconscious I always held a fantasy of everything being perfect, and it's hard to come to terms with things being different from the way I initially perceived Link to post Share on other sites
lucky_but_lacking Posted November 21, 2013 Share Posted November 21, 2013 "I think deep in my subconscious I always held a fantasy of everything being perfect, and it's hard to come to terms with things being different from the way I initially perceived." That was very insightful, and I know exactly what you mean. I, too, am suffering from a form of retroactive jealousy (complicated - see my post) & am trying to come to terms with it before it eats me up inside and/or destroys the best thing that ever happened to me. I wish I had some advise for you - I can't even really help myself...but I just wanted to let you know your words stood out to me, and I understand. Link to post Share on other sites
crederer Posted November 21, 2013 Share Posted November 21, 2013 What is it about her past that bothers you specifically? Was it that it was a ONS or was she in a relationship with the guy? I mean really, if it goes against your morals for ONS and that's what she did, then maybe you two just aren't a match. But if she was in a committed relationship with this person, why does this bother you? I mean if the two of you don't work out (as I'm sure you planned you would at the time of having sex) you will no longer be a virgin for your next partner. You'll basically be in the same position that she's in now. Does that make you feel less desirable for other future partners? I dunno if I articulated that very well but it makes sense to me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Clockwork Posted December 31, 2013 Share Posted December 31, 2013 I wouldn't worry about who she slept with. I will say, I don't think your girlfriend sounded like she has slept around a lot, I get the feeling that her not being a virgin bothered you. But don't let that get in the way of anything. Whoever she had sex with, he wasn't good enough for her to stay with. You are. You have to think about it that way. Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted December 31, 2013 Share Posted December 31, 2013 I've been a lurker for a while on this forum researching how to overcome retroactive jealousy. I've been struggling with it since May, and in those 7 months the hurtful feelings still won't go away...so I thought I'd post it here and blow some steam and hopefully get some advice from more experienced people Anyways I have good periods and bad periods...the bad feelings come and go. Sometimes I'll think about what my girlfriend has done in the past and tbh its laughable, and I realise this, but other times I get insanely upset at her sexual past and I lose sleep over it. Its not coming from a point of inexperience on my part (I'm not insecure at all). Its coming from me thinking that what she did was completely wrong...and I don't get much help from her either because she believes what she did was wrong as well. If she believed what she did was right I wouldn't be as distraught as I've been over the past 7 months (this is what I believe anyway...). I think I have these feelings because: 1. I have very strong beliefs about sex 2. She thinks it was wrong as well Oh yeah and she only slept with one person in the past, where as I was a virgin. I don't think my problem has anything to do with my inexperience..the root of the problem really lies in me firmly believing that what she did was wrong...I'm not sure if its possible to view her mistake as right in anyway...but I've been trying to convince myself that what she did was neither wrong or right...which I'm failing to do.. I know its stupid..I've read on these forums that others are dealing with huge sexual pasts like 10+ sexual partners...and I know my feelings are irrational..I just don't know how to make them go away. Any advice and different perspectives would be appreciated:o ? You wanna speak plainly instead of the cryptic talk? Link to post Share on other sites
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