gf cheated with best friend, I'm I a loser?

[Try]

Maybe she was missing something but could never work herself up to tell you?

 

Maybe you two got kind of complacent?

 

Maybe you really did everything right and it was all her? Like you were her first guy and she wanted to see what it's like with someone else?

These are not valid reasons to cheat. I believe that both parties in a relationship are each 50%-50% responsible for the condition of the relationship, but that the cheater is 100% responsible for their cheating. Do you disagree?

[Try]

Yes, she should have dumped the guy. Or speak to him earlier to see if it can be worked out. It's not what she did though, and I don't think she's even there to listen to that advice, so what's the point of saying that?

 

I'm just trying to give possible explanations why it happened.

With the OP already wondering if he is a loser because of her cheating on him, why do you feel the need to reinforce him feeling this way by trying to rationalize her cheating?

[Kate9292]

Why would I reinforce feeling he's a loser? If sth what he did might contribute to her cheating, maybe he could change it for next time?

[Try]

Why would I reinforce feeling he's a loser? If sth what he did might contribute to her cheating, maybe he could change it for next time?

By saying that he might have contributed to her cheating, you are saying that he is partially to blame for her cheating on him, and thus he is a loser that by his own actions deserved to be cheated on. I strongly disagree with you and this logic.

[Kate9292]

By saying that he might have contributed to her cheating, you are saying that he is partially to blame for her cheating on him, and thus he is a loser that by his own actions deserved to be cheated on. I strongly disagree with you and this logic.

 

Where did I say he deserved to be cheated on?

 

Only people who deserve to be cheated on for me are those who verbally or physically abuse their partners. And even then it's better to leave abusive partner so you don't have to deal with that BS anymore.

 

But she did what she did and if we want to help OP we need to state if he might have contributed to cheating so he'll be more attentive in next relationship.

[Try]

But she did what she did and if we want to help OP we need to state if he might have contributed to cheating so he'll be more attentive in next relationship.

I ask you this before and you did not answer. I believe that both parties in a relationship are each 50%-50% responsible for the condition of the relationship, but that the cheater is 100% responsible for their cheating. Do you disagree?

[felicity1]

 

But she did what she did and if we want to help OP we need to state if he might have contributed to cheating so he'll be more attentive in next relationship.

 

 

If OP failed in the relationship in some way, then his girlfriend should have confronted him about it, not sleep with his best friend.

[Kate9292]

I ask you this before and you did not answer. I believe that both parties in a relationship are each 50%-50% responsible for the condition of the relationship, but that the cheater is 100% responsible for their cheating. Do you disagree?

 

I have not noticed that question before.

 

I do not say that her cheating is his fault. But it might be his fault that she was unhappy in a relationship. It's how she chose to deal with it - by cheating.

 

I'm not saying she dealt with it well. But that's what she did, can't turn back time and she's not even here, so there is no point in telling how wrong she was. I guess she knows already anyway.

 

So best for OP to see what can he do to make sure his next gf is not unhappy, so she won't have to deal with it at all, no matter how she would do it.

[Chi townD]

Sorry Kate, I would have to agree. You're blameshifting here. If she was unhappy or didn't like the direction the relationship was going, grown adults talk it out and fix it or they go their separate ways. Simple as that.

 

Cheating is never the answer and it certainly isn't an excuse.

[Kate9292]

No, what you are doing is blame shifting, you are passing the responsibility of her girlfriend's wrong doing to OP and that is despicable and disgusting.

OP needs to analyse his relationship, there is nothing wrong about that but for your information there is no need for something going wrong in a relationship for someone to cheat, you just need someone who has a low self esteem and high need for validation or just someone who can't control their sexual instincts or even someone who has different kind of moral values (tailor made for their needs usually).

What you are doing is just speculating, you don't know why OP's girlfriend cheated but you choose (in every single thread I have read about this topic) to put the blame and responsibility for the cheating on the betrayed person... it is getting old now.

 

How many times do I have to say that I don't think her cheating was his fault?

 

It may however be his fault to smaller or larger extent that relationship was unhappy. Her cheating is not his fault because she didn't have to cheat and could leave or work it out instead. But it isn't what she did. And just because I don't see a point in bashing her, even if I openly said several times she didn't do right thing, doesn't mean I have to be bashed for giving OP suggestion to work on himself.

[Dan.90]

So far I told my parents and sister about it. They were already starting to suspect something was happened. All of them are shocked as you can imagine but understand if I choose not to speak to him for a long time.

 

My ex gf has stopped contacting me but Roy has send another apologetic message asking for a second chance and if we can ever be friends again. I'm ignoring it at this time. I need this time alone and not interested in dating for now.

 

I don't want anyone else to know I this. It's too embarrassing to even say it. I'm not the type of guy that likes talking about my personal problems and private matters to others.

[Kate9292]

So far I told my parents and sister about it. They were already starting to suspect something was happened. All of them are shocked as you can imagine but understand if I choose not to speak to him for a long time.

 

My ex gf has stopped contacting me but Roy has send another apologetic message asking for a second chance and if we can ever be friends again. I'm ignoring it at this time. I need this time alone and not interested in dating for now.

 

I don't want anyone else to know I this. It's too embarrassing to even say it. I'm not the type of guy that likes talking about my personal problems and private matters to others.

 

So she's ignoring you.

 

Then she can go to hell as far as you are concerned.

 

Just work on yourself.

[Dan.90]

I have no idea what was making my ex gf unhappy. I have bought another mattress when I found out about the cheating.

[Dan.90]

So she's ignoring you.

 

Then she can go to hell as far as you are concerned.

 

Just work on yourself.

Yes, she is. Even when she apologized at first, I didn't see it as sincere. Roy seemed more remorseful than her and he hasn't stopped since. However, it takes two for cheating to take place and I'm not ready to speak to him yet.

[Kate9292]

So maybe you can reconcile with Roy at some point in future. Not now, not tomorrow, but maybe one day.

 

She's a lost cause now.

[Dan.90]

Hang in their I have been in your shoes and is currently divorcing my wife for sleeping with my bestfriend who I had know for over 20yrs it has been a long and painful road but as of today I have never felt better living life everyday as it comes

I'm sorry to hear that Leaving. I feel the same blow as you did. I'm more hurt with Roy than my ex gf. I don't know what I would have done if I had come early from my workplace and caught them in my bed together; in a way it's better I don't want to live with the visuals but finding out either way is horrible. I would probably react just like you and punch the hell out of him (I still wanted to when I found out) but nope unfortunately I had to sleep on that same bed, unaware of what had happened days before.

What your bestfriend did was one of the lowest thing a person can do to a friend you need to let him go fight the urge to forgive him because that trust you had as friends are gone and you shouldn't have people in your life you don't trust.

I'm ignoring him.

Tell your parents they need to know what your low life friend did.

I did and they were speechless.

Take time for yourself get better and please don't do anything crazy their not worth it you'll move on and find a girl that loves you for who our

I will eventually find a girl worth my time and love but right now, I'm taking a break from dating. It's like I just want to be alone for the meantime.

[Dan.90]

So maybe you can reconcile with Roy at some point in future. Not now, not tomorrow, but maybe one day.

 

She's a lost cause now.

Yes, it's like he really has a lot to say. My ex gf can go to hell. I wasn't even going to take her back even if she was very remorseful. Though both are equally guilty, she's the one I hate the most. I think it's because women have a better chance of rejecting a guy's advances and she didn't. She follow through with it.

[Dan.90]

Ohh my... another troll... or maybe the same one... really... don't you have anything better to do?

This isn't a troll. I'm still grieving upon losing the two people I trusted and care about in such a terrible, disgusting way and you're asking if I have anything better to do?

[Chi townD]

Yeah, your Ex probably stopped trying to contact you because she probably knows you and to continue to try and reach out to you would be a moot point.

 

Just move on with your life. I was going to suggest buying a new bed, but you've already taken care of that. Good for you!

[Dan.90]

Yeah, your Ex probably stopped trying to contact you because she probably knows you and to continue to try and reach out to you would be a moot point.

Words can't express the disgust I feel towards her. I've ripped every single photo in where I'm with her. It's a lot I had to throw away.

Just move on with your life. I was going to suggest buying a new bed, but you've already taken care of that. Good for you!

Thank you.

[Kate9292]

I have not bashed you in any way I am just pointing out that you keep (not only in this thread but in everyone I have seen) speculating about the part of blame of the person who was cheated in the relationship failure... that is pure speculation as you have not details to judge the situation and some people cheat because they are just weak soul persons who can't control their animal instincts... that is it... just people who put their libido and their sexual pleasure above the well being of the person they say they love.

 

Yes, people who are cheated on often (if not almost always) have a part in relationship failure.

 

Read any "infidelity" story here. It is not frequent that you see perfect relationship then BOOM, cheating. Usually reasons for cheating are stated outright (lack of attention, lack of sex, less time together due to work, arguments, toxic atmosphere in a relationship) and even if they are not, usually some poking around the story would reveal some other holes.

 

That is good imo, because other person can learn from it and have less risk of it to happen again.

[Try]

Yes, people who are cheated on often (if not almost always) have a part in relationship failure.

Cheating does not fix relationship. Cheating makes matters worse in that rather than putting the effort into working on the realtionship, they put their effort in betraying their spouse.

 

Read any "infidelity" story here. It is not frequent that you see perfect relationship then BOOM, cheating. Usually reasons for cheating are stated outright (lack of attention, lack of sex, less time together due to work, arguments, toxic atmosphere in a relationship) and even if they are not, usually some poking around the story would reveal some other holes.

Actually in every case of infidelity you will see that the relationship was never perfect. That is because as humans, no one is perfect, so there are no perfect relationships. Every marriage will have issues at one time or another that revolve around "lack of attention, lack of sex, less time together due to work, arguments". What you are suppose to do when these things happen, and they will happen, is work with your spouse on addressing them. Marriage is not a commitment to be perfect. It is instead a lifetime commitment to try to work on the marraige and to put your spouse first.

 

Cheaters always try to hold their spouses to a standard of perfection that they do not hold to themselves. This is right out of the cheaters handbook. By making themselves the judge and jury in a secret trial in their minds that the spouse does not even know is taking place, they predictable find their human spouse guilty of not being perfect so as to give themselves an excuse to cheat without accepting blame. This is called blame shifting.

[Spectre]

Where did I say he deserved to be cheated on?

 

Only people who deserve to be cheated on for me are those who verbally or physically abuse their partners. And even then it's better to leave abusive partner so you don't have to deal with that BS anymore.

 

I have to disagree, verbal and physical abuse are horrible, but they do not deserve to be cheated on they simply deserve to be dumped. In the case of physical abuse they also deserve to be reported to the police. Cheating is never ok, not unless a terrorist arrives at your house and tells you he will absolutely blow up the entire freakin planet unless you bang another dude. THEN it is ok to cheat.

 

But she did what she did and if we want to help OP we need to state if he might have contributed to cheating so he'll be more attentive in next relationship.

 

He contributed to the cheating by simply being unlucky enough to end up with the type of person who would cheat. Bottom line, this guys isn't Professor X, he wasn't mind controlling his gf into acting this way. Anything she does is on her.

[d0nnivain]

Dan.90 --

 

 

I think you are making wise decisions regarding your EX. You told those closest to you. You bought a new bed & you stopped talking to her. those steps will help you heal.

 

 

You don't have to discuss your private life with the whole world.

 

 

As for your buddy, repairing that relationship is up to you, but if he intends to date your ExGF, then I think you need to keep him out of your life. If it was a ONS, after you sort through your feelings, there's nothing wrong with trying to re-build that relationship but there's also nothing wrong with being done with him for ever. Trust is important & at least in the short term, I don't think you will be comfortable introducing him to another woman you date. My only real advice, is don't punch him (unless he invites you to with words) because you don't want to end up with assault charges against you.

[sidney2718]

I have not bashed you in any way I am just pointing out that you keep (not only in this thread but in everyone I have seen) speculating about the part of blame of the person who was cheated in the relationship failure... that is pure speculation as you have not details to judge the situation and some people cheat because they are just weak soul persons who can't control their animal instincts... that is it... just people who put their libido and their sexual pleasure above the well being of the person they say they love.

 

I think that cheaters rarely cheat out of the blue for no reason at all. My experience leads me to think that the cheater sometimes has personality problems that lead to the cheating. But frequently there is a problem with the BS. This is not to blame the BS for the cheating, which is what Kate is trying to say, but it is something that the BS has to look for.

 

In this case the cheater probably had her own problems. And I agree that the OP is best putting this behind him and moving on. As far as his "best friend" is concerned, I'd be careful. Even if the two guys reconciled their friendship, the OP would likely think of the affair every time he talked to the OM. What happened there was robbery. The other man robbed the OP of his girlfriend, but unlike a property theft, he cannot give her back to the OP.