gf cheated with best friend, I'm I a loser?

[Kate9292]

I think that cheaters rarely cheat out of the blue for no reason at all. My experience leads me to think that the cheater sometimes has personality problems that lead to the cheating. But frequently there is a problem with the BS. This is not to blame the BS for the cheating, which is what Kate is trying to say, but it is something that the BS has to look for.

 

Yes, exactly. I'm not attempting to justify cheating or say that it was right thing to do. In fact I said opposite thing several times. But if cheated on person looks at their relationship, analyze it and see that "hey, maybe I really neglected my gf a bit, maybe I should be more attentive to my next one" then they have a chance to have better relationship next time.

[Spectre]

I think that cheaters rarely cheat out of the blue for no reason at all. My experience leads me to think that the cheater sometimes has personality problems that lead to the cheating. But frequently there is a problem with the BS. This is not to blame the BS for the cheating, which is what Kate is trying to say, but it is something that the BS has to look for.

 

People don't just cheat for no reason out of the blue, but when they do cheat I really think it is 100% on them and their personality.

 

It doesn't matter what your spouse did, if your response is to treat rather then trying to talk it out or end it? Yeah, that is still YOU having the messed up personality of a cheater. Is your spouse treating you bad? Ok, if you want to get out of the relationship because of that? Yeah, it is their fault. If you want to go bang another person because of that? No, that is your fault and comes from your own deep internal issues, nobody elses.

 

Both people in the relationship might be at fault for the problems they are having, but if you choose to solve those problems via cheating? Nope sorry, that is 100% on you, nobody else.

Edited November 19, 2013 by Spectre

[gaius]

Yes, exactly. I'm not attempting to justify cheating or say that it was right thing to do. In fact I said opposite thing several times. But if cheated on person looks at their relationship, analyze it and see that "hey, maybe I really neglected my gf a bit, maybe I should be more attentive to my next one" then they have a chance to have better relationship next time.

I take it you've cheated on someone before.

 

My mother cheated on her husband and I've been the other man before and I have to say, I just don't see it being the partner's fault.

[Spectre]

Let me just give an example of why this will NEVER be anyone but the cheaters fault:

 

Let us say I have this gf and I treat her like crap. I don't pay much attention to her and the times I do I just treat her very poorly. If this girl suddenly finds herself having thoughts about maybe being with someone else, even if it just for one night..is this my fault? Yep, 100% absolutely that is on me.

 

However, if she chooses to ACT on those thoughts before she either A-tries talking to me about how we can fix the problems in our relationship or B-dumps me..that is 100% on her. If this persons need to sleep with another man is so utterly dire she just can't wait until talking to me/leaving me? Yet again we just circle back to "yes that is all on her".

 

At the end of the day it is really that simple. Another person might cause problems in the relationship, but it is entirely up to you how you go about trying to fix those problems. If your resolution is simply betrayal..well, that says a lot about you and absolutely nothing about the other person.

 

I don't care if you are dating Satan himself. You end it before you cheat, or if you don't want to end it you discuss the problems with your spouse. If you are too much of a coward to do this, you don't belong in relationships period

Edited November 19, 2013 by Spectre

[Sparta]

Yeah she is a Cheater or WW. Trying to do all that blame shifting and trying to figure out what part he's got it. F*** that. It's 100% her fault to cheat. Try to figure out what he did wrong you didn't do nothing wrong. You should try to make yourself feel better. But no she did exactly what you did. It just shows what kind of person they really are. Just shows the real person she is she lacks character integrity and loyalty. She needs to seek counseling for her own self to find out what went wrong in her mind to think Cheating is an option. it has absolutely nothing to do with him. She will cheat in her future relationships.

[Spectre]

I mean if you don't want to break up, but also don't want to confront your spouse with your issues that is still just too bad for you, suck it up. You don't get to have your cake and eat it too. You don't get the relationship and then sex on the side with someone else just because you feel bad or can't deal with confrontations.

[Dan.90]

Thank you Spectre and Sparta and as the days are progressing, I'm slowing getting over it but it's going to take several months later before I begin to think about dating. I'm not ready yet.

 

We had quite regular communication prior to her cheating so I don't see why couldn't she just speak up her mind if she wasn't happy with the relationship. If this was the issue then she must have been a good actress because I thought there were no major problems and she seemed happy whenever we would have a chance to spend time together. I hate cheaters. Interesting how you can never guess what goes on in their minds!!

 

As for my friend, I'll talk to him when I'm ready.

[Spectre]

Yep and you just hit the nail on the head on why this is such a horrible betrayal by saying you won't be thinking about dating for a while: crap like this can even impact future relationships. After I was cheated on in more then one relationship I really just started distrusting women as a whole. I know this was wrong since they are not all bad, but I couldn't help feeling this way. Especially since the cheating came so out of the blue and was something I never thought she'd do..it made me question things in the future with other girls. Like if I'd see one who appeared decent I'd worry if I was just once again being fooled and if I'm just a horrible judge of character.

 

Not only did it cause me to not pursue relationships I might of otherwise pursued, it also had effects on ones I did pursue. I had trust issues about girls being around male friends because I was terrified they would cheat, even if this specific girl had given me no reason to think this way. I know people who avoided relationships for *years* because they had been burned so many times and it gave them so many issues with trust, etc. they just kind of gave up for a while.

 

This is why in the end if people can't work on their problems they really do need to just walk away before doing anything.

Edited November 19, 2013 by Spectre

[sidney2718]

People don't just cheat for no reason out of the blue, but when they do cheat I really think it is 100% on them and their personality.

 

It doesn't matter what your spouse did, if your response is to treat rather then trying to talk it out or end it? Yeah, that is still YOU having the messed up personality of a cheater. Is your spouse treating you bad? Ok, if you want to get out of the relationship because of that? Yeah, it is their fault. If you want to go bang another person because of that? No, that is your fault and comes from your own deep internal issues, nobody elses.

 

Both people in the relationship might be at fault for the problems they are having, but if you choose to solve those problems via cheating? Nope sorry, that is 100% on you, nobody else.

 

One thing I find interesting is to go over to the forums involving dumping and read the postings by folks who have been dumped. The damage done to them is awful, and yet the dumper is following the common advice here which is to leave the marriage rather than cheat.

 

And the dumpee hates that advice.

 

Please understand that I am not defending cheating. I think it is awful and very destructive. But also understand that cheating almost never takes place in a vacuum and the chance of a BS to recover the marriage or accept the divorce with a minimum of strain depends on the hidden reasons for the cheating. So I tend to look on each case individually and meter what little advice I can give depending on each case.

 

It is too bad that we cannot make folks about to marry read this forum before they tie the knot. I have no idea if it would help, but it might.

[Spectre]

The dumpee's might hate that advice, but I guarantee you they hate being cheated on and made fools of even more.

 

I do realize each case is different and I do acknowledge there is behavior that might make your spouse *want* to cheat, but in the end the only thing that can make them go through with that is them and nobody else.

 

In other words the desire to seek someone else might not of been all theirs, but the follow through definitely was.

Edited November 20, 2013 by Spectre

[Sivok]

I'm more shocked at what your best friend did. Wow. To think you grew up with someone and out of all the women he can mess around with, he chose yours. If you can one day forgive him, good for you. Personally? I'd never be able to trust that person again, and I'd never dare introduce him to another girl I've dated again.

[Spectre]

I'm more shocked at what your best friend did. Wow. To think you grew up with someone and out of all the women he can mess around with, he chose yours. If you can one day forgive him, good for you. Personally? I'd never be able to trust that person again, and I'd never dare introduce him to another girl I've dated again.

 

I also mirror this, to be frank neither of these people deserve forgiveness. This wasn't some random guy who may or may not of known your wife was married with kids, this guy DEFINITELY knew.

 

Just like how I feel if the marriage truly meant anything to the wife she wouldn't of cheated..if the friendship meant anything to this guy he wouldn't of done would he did. Not even to just a normal friend, let alone your best friend.

[Kate9292]

I guess you still don't understand it right? There is lots of people who have issues in their relationships...in fact there is no relationship that has no issues. When two different persons are together the frictions and differences will always happen... there will be couples that are not compatible and then people would be dumped... of course people would be hurt if they get dumped but at least they have not been humiliated and disrespected in the worse way that can be (cheating).

 

There is no hidden reason, actually there is no reason why someone can cheat, cheating is always selfish and one sided, it solves nothing in a relationship, it helps nothing and it says nothing about the status of the relationship either... I had friends who cheated on their girlfriends just because they were exited by the fact they were cheating... and I had friends whose relationships were totally broken and they never cheated...

 

Why does one person cheat? Because they can and they want and they care more about their sexual instincts or their need for validation than for the well being of the person they are supposed to love and protect. Because they are selfish and they put themselves and their need above of the needs of the other person and the survival of their relationship.

 

Yes, it's on cheating partner how they deal with problems. I've said it several times. But it's usually on both sides, why there are problems in the first place. And whether you want to work it out or leave, you should take a look at yourself and ask if you could do more to work on those problems before they got so out of hand other person cheated.

 

And "cheater personality" is nonsense. Anyone can cheat given right circumstances and moment of weakness.

[greenfairie]

This makes me wanna cry. I remember the day I found out my childhood friend have been getting serious with my ex bf. I was so devastated. I felt disgusted. I questioned everything in the past five years. What did I do? How did I not notice the signs??? How did I not ****ing know they were into each other? Why the **** would my best friend choose to **** this guy out of ALL the men in this world? WHY HIM? Why choose the only guy I was ****ing in love with? It just corrupted everything good I had in mind of my ex boyfriend. It sucked because it's like two deaths. Honestly, to this day, they deny it so hard. They won't admit it to me but everyone around me tells me differently. When I was around them at a friend's party a few months ago, the energy was just honestly one of the weirdest I've felt. I knew. I just knew and it crushed me. It still bothers me to this day but less and less… I know I can never have them back in my lives. How can I when they lost trust? I believe once you lose trust, you can really never get it back.

[Dan.90]

Honestly yes, I'd have rather get dumped than cheated on. Don't get me wrong. It would still hurt no matter what but at least I wouldn't be feeling what I'm going through now. If I were just dumped I would take it that the relationship reached a point in where it had run it's course and move on faster. I would probably be dating by the following week or so.

 

But this is not just an overall attack on our relationship, history together but on me and my feelings. It's like I've been living a total lie from the start and I don't even know them anymore.

[Dan.90]

I'm more shocked at what your best friend did. Wow. To think you grew up with someone and out of all the women he can mess around with, he chose yours. If you can one day forgive him, good for you. Personally? I'd never be able to trust that person again, and I'd never dare introduce him to another girl I've dated again.

This is exactly what I've been questioning so many times. So many women in our city that are single and he had to screw my ex gf while I would talk to him the whole time and tell him how lucky I was to have found a great girl (unaware that he was going behind my back). I just don't understand it. I would feel so low being the OM and even if I didn't know the girl's bf well, it would still be a crappy feeling, as if I can't get a single girl and had to settle for last place ribbon, for a cheater.

 

Feeling just like greenfairie. I'm so lost at words. Sorry to hear that happen. I guess even friends get jealous of you. You can't trust anyone at all except your family by blood.

Edited November 20, 2013 by Dan.90

[Spectre]

Yes, it's on cheating partner how they deal with problems. I've said it several times. But it's usually on both sides, why there are problems in the first place. And whether you want to work it out or leave, you should take a look at yourself and ask if you could do more to work on those problems before they got so out of hand other person cheated.

 

It's on both sides why there might be problems, but it's absolutely 100% the cheaters fault for their actions. I think that is the key difference you aren't getting. Even if you make your partner feel the desire to cheat, you can never make them actually go through with it.

 

And "cheater personality" is nonsense. Anyone can cheat given right circumstances and moment of weakness.

 

The moment of weakness is bull, especially when it comes to sex. Maybe a kiss or something, but sex involves a lot more..removal of clothes, etc. Plenty of time for you to recognize your "moment of weakness" and stop what you are doing. That is a moment of selfishness, not weakness.

[sidney2718]

Let me just give an example of why this will NEVER be anyone but the cheaters fault:

 

Let us say I have this gf and I treat her like crap. I don't pay much attention to her and the times I do I just treat her very poorly. If this girl suddenly finds herself having thoughts about maybe being with someone else, even if it just for one night..is this my fault? Yep, 100% absolutely that is on me.

 

However, if she chooses to ACT on those thoughts before she either A-tries talking to me about how we can fix the problems in our relationship or B-dumps me..that is 100% on her. If this persons need to sleep with another man is so utterly dire she just can't wait until talking to me/leaving me? Yet again we just circle back to "yes that is all on her".

 

At the end of the day it is really that simple. Another person might cause problems in the relationship, but it is entirely up to you how you go about trying to fix those problems. If your resolution is simply betrayal..well, that says a lot about you and absolutely nothing about the other person.

 

I don't care if you are dating Satan himself. You end it before you cheat, or if you don't want to end it you discuss the problems with your spouse. If you are too much of a coward to do this, you don't belong in relationships period

 

I agree with all that. But you may be missing my point. What if you want a reconciliation? In the hypothetical case you gave the OW would not want it because of the way she was treated. Further, after the OW was gone, will you treat the next woman the same way?

[Kate9292]

The moment of weakness is bull, especially when it comes to sex. Maybe a kiss or something, but sex involves a lot more..removal of clothes, etc. Plenty of time for you to recognize your "moment of weakness" and stop what you are doing. That is a moment of selfishness, not weakness.

 

If you haven't been in situation, you don't know how intoxicating and hard to stop it is. Like a drug you craved for too long.

[Dan.90]

It's on both sides why there might be problems, but it's absolutely 100% the cheaters fault for their actions. I think that is the key difference you aren't getting. Even if you make your partner feel the desire to cheat, you can never make them actually go through with it.

 

 

 

The moment of weakness is bull, especially when it comes to sex. Maybe a kiss or something, but sex involves a lot more..removal of clothes, etc. Plenty of time for you to recognize your "moment of weakness" and stop what you are doing. That is a moment of selfishness, not weakness.

I right now. It's disgusting when cheaters keep explaining how everything just happened in the heat of the moment or the use the POS phrase of ''One thing led to another''. I call it BS. If that were true then come up I didn't cheat even when there was an attractive girl who took off her shirt? I had the chance to once and instead chose not to. Isn't this what makes us different from animals?

[Dan.90]

I'm more shocked at what your best friend did. Wow. To think you grew up with someone and out of all the women he can mess around with, he chose yours. If you can one day forgive him, good for you. Personally? I'd never be able to trust that person again, and I'd never dare introduce him to another girl I've dated again.

Just started talking to him a couple days ago but don't think I'll ever see him in the same way again. He'll just be an occasional friend I'll keep my eyes open when I start dating again. I think it's the fact that he's a member in the family and my parents being friends with his parents that makes it possible to work it out. If he was only an acquaintance then I would cut contact with him too.

[Spectre]

If you haven't been in situation, you don't know how intoxicating and hard to stop it is. Like a drug you craved for too long.

 

I've been in similar situations, but I kinda just had enough love and respect for the person I was with to not let it get out of hand.

 

So yeah, there are PLENTY of opportunities along the road to sex for either person to put a stop to things, I don't care how drunk or horny you are. We aren't animals, we aren't slaves to our instincts. We can choose to do the right thing.

 

Of course the problem comes when a person has so little respect for you that they choose to do the wrong thing.

[ThatMan]

Just started talking to him a couple days ago but don't think I'll ever see him in the same way again. He'll just be an occasional friend I'll keep my eyes open when I start dating again. I think it's the fact that he's a member in the family and my parents being friends with his parents that makes it possible to work it out. If he was only an acquaintance then I would cut contact with him too.

Don't do this to yourself. He treated you ways that are completely unacceptable. Do not put yourself through the pain and grief by reliving your experiences each time you speak with him. You don't need to force yourself to remember that he put his penis inside a woman who you wanted a future with, all while ontop of your own bed. For your sake I hope you maintain a strict no-contact stance with this person. Write him out of your life so that you may move on to be happy. He is anything but a friend to you. You have to stay strong and rise above any mistreatment and disrespect. I know it's hard and you valued his past friendship for many years, but you have to look after yourself now. You have to move on.

Edited December 10, 2013 by ThatMan

[sidney2718]

Just started talking to him a couple days ago but don't think I'll ever see him in the same way again. He'll just be an occasional friend I'll keep my eyes open when I start dating again. I think it's the fact that he's a member in the family and my parents being friends with his parents that makes it possible to work it out. If he was only an acquaintance then I would cut contact with him too.

 

I'm glad, because I favor forgiveness if possible. But I do want to point out something. From a relationship point of view you were closer to your friend than you were to your gf. And yet while you threw her away like a piece of garbage, you have at least partially reconciled with your friend. Think on this.

[ChessPieceFace]

You're only a loser if you stay with her.