Having No Identity

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

I seem only to exist as my self-image, nothing more.

 

Do you have a illness, disorder, or condition that leaves you with no sense of identity?

 

As someone with BPD, I have problems with identity. We are sometimes referred to as chameleons because of our ability to blend in. We easily adopt behaviors that our peers have and behaviors that would lessen a groups chance of rejecting us.

 

I've always felt like a scared little boy and have often acted like one. I don't feel like an adult. As a child I used to pray and wish that I could be someone else. Anyone else. Anyone but me. Someone who didn't feel emotional pain every day. Someone who didn't lay in bed at night not being able to sleep because I'm reliving moments that have caused me distress. These were the thoughts of a young child.

 

Never had an idea of what I wanted to be growing up. I didn't even think I would grow up. Ever since I was a young boy, I thought I would be dead by now.

 

 

Please share your experiences with identity issues and Mental Illness.

Have you overcome them? How?

How did you view yourself while growing up?

Do you know who you are now?

[Pearl27]

I feel as if I have no sense of self because nothing about me was ever good enough or totally wrong. I don't think I'm a total ghost, but I tend to doubt my identity sometimes. By identity, I mean music and clothing tastes, diet preference, exercise preference, etc. Maybe because I'm being more realistic with my goals in life, I am changing my ideal home and life long goals.

 

As for my professional goals, I feel lost because the job market is not easy and the field I want to be in is so hard to get into and survive in.

 

I know the basics about myself, but nothing in depth. That's my problem.

[SpiralOut]

Have you overcome them? How?

 

It is a work in progress. I've been using yoga and writing to find out who I am and accept myself for who I am (and was).

 

How did you view yourself while growing up?

I have hated myself most of my life. There was some emotional abuse in my childhood. The effects are still with me.

 

Do you know who you are now?

 

I have a much better idea of who I am. There is still more to learn. Getting to know myself has helped me to feel a certain calmness and contentment that I never had before. Don't get me wrong, I still get anxious sometimes, but it has improved hugely.

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

I feel as if I have no sense of self because nothing about me was ever good enough or totally wrong. I don't think I'm a total ghost, but I tend to doubt my identity sometimes. By identity, I mean music and clothing tastes, diet preference, exercise preference, etc. Maybe because I'm being more realistic with my goals in life, I am changing my ideal home and life long goals.

 

As for my professional goals, I feel lost because the job market is not easy and the field I want to be in is so hard to get into and survive in.

 

I know the basics about myself, but nothing in depth. That's my problem.

Pearl, you're the one who suspects you have BPD, right?

I know what it's like not to feel good enough, or just plain bad all the time.

Good point about tastes and preferences. I think I sometimes try to base my identity on the things I like.

 

Have you overcome them? How?

 

It is a work in progress. I've been using yoga and writing to find out who I am and accept myself for who I am (and was).

 

How did you view yourself while growing up?

I have hated myself most of my life. There was some emotional abuse in my childhood. The effects are still with me.

 

Do you know who you are now?

 

I have a much better idea of who I am. There is still more to learn. Getting to know myself has helped me to feel a certain calmness and contentment that I never had before. Don't get me wrong, I still get anxious sometimes, but it has improved hugely.

 

Spiral - Have you had a diagnosis, or researched mental illness to have an idea?

Would you mind sharing it here?

 

I like writing to get the angst out, and get the twisting thoughts in my head on paper where they can hold still. It is a very positive thing, I agree.

 

Would you tell us how yoga helps you? Maybe describe the process of how it affects you?

[AnyaNova]

I really wish I could comment more on some of these threads, but I really don't know much about borderline personality disorder. I am pretty sure that I don't have that one. I know Avoidant from the inside out.

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

I really wish I could comment more on some of these threads, but I really don't know much about borderline personality disorder. I am pretty sure that I don't have that one. I know Avoidant from the inside out.

 

Be glad that you don't have that kind of first hand knowledge of BPD.

Be very glad.

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

Let's stay on topic with identity issues please.

[Lizrd3000]

I had a conversation with a mental health coördinator at school, and she asked me this simple deep question.

 

''Who are you?''

 

and I did not know. she then told me I am not in connection with my own feelings, and when I talk about myself, it's as if I'm talking about another person. No idea what she means by that.

 

As for my identity, I know what I like. I like to watch dancers dance, and hopefully one day be a good dancer myself. I like my best friend.

 

I still feel empty inside, but it gets better over time. a year ago I was so sad and didn't know who I was at all, and had a gaming addiction, which is gone now. I have a much clearer view on what I really want to achieve, I want to be good at dancing, I want a good social circle, and I want to love myself, and feel good about life.

 

I'm going to therapy now, my school mental health coördinator made me go, and she adviced me to quit anti-depressants. I don't know if I'll do that just yet, they did help a little!

 

sorry for my rambling story, just felt like writing something out!

[Lemonitaz]

hmmm, I have no first-hand experience/knowledge of BPD, but I question the thought of identity all the time. It seems like a huge, unanswerable question "Who are you, what is your identity?"

 

 

I am many things at many different times, depending on the situation. Should my identity be based on what I do, where I live, my secret thoughts, my family/friends, how I act, etc? Or is our identity based on what we wish would happen, our innermost thoughts of how we analyze the direction of our life?

 

 

I really can't wrap my head around it, what identity even means. I can identify individually with different groups, or things, but does that make up my total identity?

 

 

So my answer thus far to that question has been- I have no identity. I am whatever I am in that moment. And I'm okay with that.

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

hmmm, I have no first-hand experience/knowledge of BPD, but I question the thought of identity all the time. It seems like a huge, unanswerable question "Who are you, what is your identity?"

 

 

I am many things at many different times, depending on the situation. Should my identity be based on what I do, where I live, my secret thoughts, my family/friends, how I act, etc? Or is our identity based on what we wish would happen, our innermost thoughts of how we analyze the direction of our life?

 

 

I really can't wrap my head around it, what identity even means. I can identify individually with different groups, or things, but does that make up my total identity?

 

 

So my answer thus far to that question has been- I have no identity. I am whatever I am in that moment. And I'm okay with that.

 

I think a way to look at it is your role in life.

[Lizrd3000]

hmmm, I have no first-hand experience/knowledge of BPD, but I question the thought of identity all the time. It seems like a huge, unanswerable question "Who are you, what is your identity?"

 

 

I am many things at many different times, depending on the situation. Should my identity be based on what I do, where I live, my secret thoughts, my family/friends, how I act, etc? Or is our identity based on what we wish would happen, our innermost thoughts of how we analyze the direction of our life?

 

 

I really can't wrap my head around it, what identity even means. I can identify individually with different groups, or things, but does that make up my total identity?

 

 

So my answer thus far to that question has been- I have no identity. I am whatever I am in that moment. And I'm okay with that.

You really express things the way I think about this, or don't! haha

I don't know what identity really means aswell, but I think the most important thing is what you do and what you want.

 

So your goals/dreams is what makes you have a identity, i think.

[Chu]

I seem only to exist as my self-image, nothing more.

 

Do you have a illness, disorder, or condition that leaves you with no sense of identity?

 

As someone with BPD, I have problems with identity. We are sometimes referred to as chameleons because of our ability to blend in. We easily adopt behaviors that our peers have and behaviors that would lessen a groups chance of rejecting us.

 

I've always felt like a scared little boy and have often acted like one. I don't feel like an adult. As a child I used to pray and wish that I could be someone else. Anyone else. Anyone but me. Someone who didn't feel emotional pain every day. Someone who didn't lay in bed at night not being able to sleep because I'm reliving moments that have caused me distress. These were the thoughts of a young child.

 

Never had an idea of what I wanted to be growing up. I didn't even think I would grow up. Ever since I was a young boy, I thought I would be dead by now.

 

Please share your experiences with identity issues and Mental Illness.

 

I have a good deal of experience with BPD as I believe I have suffered from it since 16 years of age (if not earlier.) Unfortunately, getting diagnosed put me through the wringer because at that age I wasn't able to properly articulate to doctors or psychiatrists exactly how I felt ("chameleon" is right, I always acted like everything was fine.)

 

I had a nasty temper, a great deal of depression and emotional pain. But it never showed to others because I made everyone believe I was 'perfect'. I felt disconnected from others and I played life like I play a board game: anticipating others responses, being a perfect host, subconsious manipulation, needing a TON more attention and validation. I also took on persona's that I found respectable. Such as characters from movies ("Rambo" at one point) or comic books, (I loved "Betty"s character in archie comic books, and I still see a lot of her in me today.) or even friends (I noticed which attributes other people liked in my friends and would adobt that characteristic). Sometimes, I even noticed as a youth that i would adopt poor speach patterns in order to mimic another persons persona for a while -- not in mockery but because it came along with the package of mimicry.

 

This made life very boring. I wasn't reacting to situations, I was gauging and expecting and controlling them. Life felt empty and bleak.

 

The first time I was seen by a physician (GP) about this, it was when I was 15 years old. I had a bad tick where I would stretch my arms at the elbow until it "clicked" and then slowly tense it back upwards and then back into position. Rather then "cracking" my knuckles, I also tense them up (like "zombie hands") and then slowly released. My guess is that is the way my anxiety showed itself. My parents at the time were embarrassed by these compulsions I had to stretch/tense my arms and hands because it was very visible to others and I couldn't stop myself from doing it because my arms "felt itchy on the inside" (15 year olds description of it -- lol).

 

When I tried to explain all that to the GP, he had all sorts of Xrays, blood tests, etc. done. And of course everything came back negative.

 

I was also cutting myself with the edge of a compass from those math kits. But I never let anyone know about that part. My parents nor the GP.

 

After the physical tests came back negative, my doctor asked me questions about my emotions and my dam broke and I started to cry and studder while trying to explain things to him. I was told I have depression, handed a box of Paxil and was sent to talk therapy to the same counselor that was treating my father for his anger/hate and suicidal thoughts.

 

So, Great! As a 15 year old I thought GPs knew everything. I was "depressed" and had the cure for it in my hands. I was happy to hear that my emotional turmoil would soon be ending. I was happy that this pain wasn't my own fault, and revelled in the fact that I was not the only person in the entire world that had problems. "Soon" I thought, "I will be part of the real world just like everyone else.".

 

But again, being out of touch with what was really going on, talking to a counselor did me no good. Not to mention, this counselor was also seeing my father who (in my opinion) had very similar issues and is probably the reason I learned it in the first place. After I took the pills for over 4 months I was in my last year of high school as I recall. Nothing had changed, I was frustrated and attempted to kill myself with a bottle of ibuprophen (which was easily pumped from my stomache, and the nurses almost laughed at how idiotic an attempt it was *rolls eyes*) I felt so stupid. My mom came to the emergency room and asked me how I could do this to them.

 

After that I got a job, just barely finished highschool (people knew me as "the crazy one who tried to kill herself" now.) and moved out of my parents place at 17 years old. Did drugs such as Acid, MDMA, mushrooms and loads of pot, had lots of unsafe sexual experiences and while I enjoyed the freedom, I always wished life wasn't "so hard" because of how much I always felt empty, void and without any defining characteristics that made me "me".

 

"Just another ant in the anthill" was a phrase I used often, especially when depressed or angry at life. I guess looking back now, it really says a lot about how unimportant I felt.

 

The arm stretching tick went away with drug use and anger. I became abusive to any friends, roommates or potential lovers in my life -- and I am surprised how many people stuck around for how long they did given the fact that I was a bomb waiting to go off all the time, always struggling with money (because I worked at a donut shop full time, and often showed up for work high which eventually got me fired and onto the next retail/fast food job.)

 

Instead of attempting more (what I now considered "stupid) suicide attempts, I continued to cut myself. Making artistic scars with shapes -- and rotate through friends as they loved me one minute and hated me the next (as did I, love them at the start and hated everything about them in the end.) and rotate through jobs as I loved my co-workers for about 2-6 monthes and then couldn't stand to work with them past that.

 

All that I explained above is how I coped between the ages of 15-22.

 

Looking back I can see that the feelings buried underneath all the cutting, drugs, ticks, lies, manupulation and anger were very very difficult feelings to "face" and much much stronger then feelings that other people seem to have.

 

I didn't know who I was, I didn't know who I WANTED to be. I hated everything about myself and like you said, I wished I could be someone else, ANYONE else -- just so that I didn't have to be me anymore. I thought that I would never make it past my 20's. I think I also hoped that I wouldn't make it past my 20's. Life was bleak and I felt empty. My hypervigilance and control with relationships made me an amazing salesperson. I was charming and happy and energetic and "fun" and spontanious. Everyone thought (including myself) that I was the most confident person -- unless they knew me for more then a few months.

 

Here I am now at 31 and still here, I made it through my 20's and I've come a long long way with recovery. Here's a quick age/diagnosis list of how things chronologically worked out:

 

Age 15: Diagnosis "Depression" - Given Paxil, talk therapy for 10 sessions.

Age 17-20: Diagnosis "Depression" & "Substance use" - Given Ephedrine (to replace MDMA) and high dose Serzone (another antidepressant)

Age 20-22: Stopped pills. Stopped seeking help. Did less street drugs.

Age 22: Diagnosis "Bi-Polar" Given Lithium and Risperidone (mood stabilizer, anti-psychotic.)

Age 23: Went to ER + hospitalized treatment for Threatening Suicide. Released early by signing release form.

Age 24: Diagnosis "Bi-Polar" Given an antidepressant I don't rememeber along with Lithium, Risperidone and some clonazapan (anti anxiety)

 

Age 26:

Cheated via EA on the best man I've ever been with. First time in my life asking myself "What am I doing to the other people in my life?". Decided to recover and do everything I can to make it better because I loved him more then I've ever loved anyone. Made a decision to either suicide for good, or recover for good cause I couldn't live that way anymore.

 

Followed "generic" Life betterment plan:

Started to exercise, eat better, stopped all drugs, took out a loan for a therapist. Lost weight, felt better about my body through false confidence of weight loss, but health allowed me to do more. Started letting the sun into my apartment. Talked to the man I hurt honestly and whole heartedly, he stayed with me.

 

Age 27: Diagnosis "Bi-Polar"

Attended Stress Management, Anger management and anxiety group therapies while 1 on 1 therapy as well. Stopped working (according to psychiatrists recommendation) for 2 years. Continued to lose weight and east healthy and exercise.

 

Age 28: Diagnosis "Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder"

Admitted to childhood abuse, talked about it for the first time. More therapy groups for Self Harm, re-did Anger management group and depression group therapy.

 

Age 29: Diagnosis "Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder & Bulimia Nervosa

Tried to quit smoking cigarettes, gained weight. Was terrified of gaining because of body image which was now tied into my "new recovering self". Started smoking cigarettes again but couldn't stop eatting because of emotional reasons/therapy/remembering traumas. Eventually stopped eating for 1 month (200-300 calories daily). Then binged, yo-yo dieted. Eventually developed Bulimia Nervosa.

 

Age 29: Diagnosis "Same as above"

Went into recovery for Bulimia Nervosa including groups, 1 on 1 counselling, planning meals, trauma therapy.

 

Have you overcome them? How?

I am not completely recovered. I have also never actually been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I was diagnosed many times and many times my diagnosis changed. But I will tell you this:

 

Through my therapy I have changed a ton. I am completely free from irrational anger. I used to "hate" a lot -- but now I "love" a lot.

 

I took no medication through my therapies. Which in hindsight didn't help because the raw emotion overshadowed my logical brain a lot of the time and it is taking longer to recover because of my stubborness. But having been given antidepressants at such a young age (and continuing with all sorts of other meds that never seemed to help) made me distrust them.

 

I take anti-anxiety pills on an "as needed" basis. Which is less then twice a week most of the time.

 

How did you view yourself while growing up?

I viewed myself as a "fraud". I knew that if people knew what was inside that they would reject me. And so I pretended, controlled and faked my way through relationships and through life growing up.

 

With my family, it was necessary to do so. My father was crazy and if we didn't act a certain way the repercussions were immense.

 

Do you know who you are now?

Yes. I value myself also now. I have a long back-story of pain but I also have a future that I am looking forward to. Even if I am unable to work to the same capacity as others (only about 25 hours a week) because my stresses prevent me from being overly functional. I am working on accepting that about myself. "I am different, but that is OK."

 

I have realized that what makes me me are really very silly little things:

 

My love for art.

My background and life experiences.

My belief that all people are "good" at the core and that life experiences are what causes others to hurt others.

My dislike for Torture movies.

My special bond with the same man that I decided I wanted to change for in the first place.

My favorite color, and how it has changed over the years.

My value of human life and compassion for other people.

My long-winded style of posting.

My still-spontanious attitude.

My love for animals.

My discoveries (of the world, of myself or of others).

 

BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY: What makes me me is the when I am authentic with others. If I can truly be myself instead of "faking" it, I feel like I have an identity that is visable and true.

 

So living a more honest life in general:

Not saying "Yes, I'll go to see that movie with you" just because you feel sorry for the person who has no one to go with, but because you actually WANT to go.

Not lying when you call in sick for work. (You don't have to be dishonest, you can just say "I can't come in today, I am not well".).

Being honest about your opinions: "Wow, I would have never thought of putting a bright Orange paint for this wall. I wouldn't be able to be so bold - I'm happy that you like it!" (true, I'm happy she likes her (IMO) ugly (/IMO) orange wall.)

Being honest about yourself: "Yeah, I only work 25 hours a week. I like it this way. I am taking some private self-betterment classes (therapy) which take up a lot of my time and energy. If I worked a typical work week as well I would be mentally drained and not as effective in my life or job."

 

Even stop lying or "avoiding" telemarketers can help you be authentic (and it's great practice):

"Thank you, I am not interested".

"Yes I realize what your offering but I'm not interested."

"Listen Joe. I'm just not interested, is there a way to end this call without me having to hang up?"

"HEY. Don't talk over me ok? I don't appreciate that. I am not interested. Thank you." (talk over them if they talk over you)

(Just FYI: It never takes me more then 2 sentances. They can tell I am seriously not interested.)

 

Troubleshooting ways that you can be honest and authentic with people before it happens is a good idea to get you started.

 

I am still working on showing my authentic persona to others (IE: not always being the one who is "cool with everything" - better communication) but I have friends now who I don't abuse (I'm not angry anymore) and who have been with me for a few years, and who actually care about me. I can honestly say I think they know the real me fairly well and I am choosing to trust them. Because I now trust that if someone does hurt me (intentionally or non-intentionally) that I have enough love for myself that I will get through it.

 

I am still in therapy, but I have come a long long way.

 

My apologies for the long life-story post. I felt that it was relevant to the topic.

Edited November 16, 2013 by Chu

[KathyM]

I have a client who has BPD. One of her symptoms is lack of identity. I work with her on developing a stronger sense of self. Identifying her strengths, her interests, her talents, her goals. We made a written list of them, and she has the list posted in a prominent place in her home so that she can be reminded on a frequent basis of everything that is good about her. She is also very impulsive and suggestive, so we work on concrete strategies for decision making, and we work on establishing boundaries so that she is not easily swayed by others, but rather sticks to what she wants. We work on assertiveness skills, since she is easily swayed and influenced by others and doesn't feel right in sticking up for what she wants. She also takes medication to help with her mood swings, which also helps with her impulsivity when her mood is stabilized. There is a lot that therapy can do to help people who suffer from BPD. It is a disorder that cannot be diagnosed until adulthood, and a disorder that is sometimes misdiagnosed as an anxiety disorder or Bipolar Disorder. The lack of identity is one symptom that sets BPD apart from other disorders.

[jba10582]

 

 

I am whatever I am in that moment.

 

I really like this quote.

 

You probably know this from scripture as well when Moses is on the mountain and God says:

 

I am that, I am.

 

This has a profound meaning in zen teachings and detachment from the ego as well, and especially in living in the moment and being aware!

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

Chu... wow. Thank you for the detailed post. It looks like you have a good grasp of who you are.

 

There are so many parallels between your life and mine.

 

I did the cutting, and cigarette burns. I liked using glass. I have some big scars on my left arm, visible to all. I wear them like a badge now and have a nice tattoo to go along.

 

Our medication history is quite similar - anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, anti-psychotics, mood stabilizers, tranquilizers...

 

Now I take anti-depressants, but it's because I fall into depressions easily, I guess from having Avoidant PD. I also went from taking benzos daily to only 2-3 times a week as needed, and at a lower dosage.

 

My BPD symptoms are mostly gone. I did my own kind of therapy. I'm not a "crazy" loose-cannon anymore. The anger is mostly gone and only comes up now and then, not everyday (so I guess normal).

 

Like you, I have learned to respect other people and their feelings. The part about authenticity is a good observation. Instead of trying to keep people from discovering the "fraud", I let myself react more and be interested in them on a more substantive level. If I don't like something, instead of being annoyed, I am honest and try to reprogram myself to look at it from a non-emotional state.

 

While my BPD symptoms have diminished, I still have problems sometimes dealing with distressing emotions. On top of that, my AvPD symptoms are still quite strong. I'm going to start DBT and see if I can learn some new ways to help me deal.

 

You reminded me that I saw my identity as that of a crazy person, much of the time. Or as a fraudulent being, like you mentioned.

 

Thanks for sharing.

[SpiralOut]

 

 

 

Spiral - Have you had a diagnosis, or researched mental illness to have an idea?

Would you mind sharing it here?

 

I like writing to get the angst out, and get the twisting thoughts in my head on paper where they can hold still. It is a very positive thing, I agree.

 

Would you tell us how yoga helps you? Maybe describe the process of how it affects you?

 

I've been told that I have depression, and been put on antidepressants for it. I also have anxiety and severe self-esteem issues.

 

Yoga is helpful because of the mindset that goes with it. The idea is to accept where you are. It's okay. The goal is to push yourself to go a little bit further - but don't push too hard. It's the journey that matters, not the destination. Every day will be different. Sometimes we'll have a great day, sometimes not so much, and that's normal. If something hurts, stop it. We should be kind to ourselves. Yes, we can have goals, but that doesn't mean we need to reach them in order to be "good enough" for ourselves or for others. We are okay the way we are.

 

I also like the idea that our emotions are tied in with our physical body. For example, our hips hold much of our anger and stressful feelings. Hip opening stretches have the side effect of releasing the pent-up negative energy.

 

Feeling more aware of our physical body helps us to feel more connected with ourselves. The body and mind are connected. Anything good that we do for our body will affect us mentally/emotionally on some level.

 

I don't like dealing with my emotions directly, so I like taking an indirect approach.

Edited November 17, 2013 by SpiralOut

[jba10582]

 

Yoga is helpful because of the mindset that goes with it. The idea is to accept where you are. It's okay.... It's the journey that matters, not the destination. Every day will be different. Sometimes we'll have a great day, sometimes not so much, and that's normal. If something hurts, stop it. We should be kind to ourselves. Yes, we can have goals, but that doesn't mean we need to reach them in order to be "good enough" for ourselves or for others. We are okay the way we are.

 

I also like the idea that our emotions are tied in with our physical body. For example, our hips hold much of our anger and stressful feelings. Hip opening stretches have the side effect of releasing the pent-up negative energy.

 

Feeling more aware of our physical body helps us to feel more connected with ourselves. The body and mind are connected. Anything good that we do for our body will affect us mentally/emotionally on some level.

 

 

Yoga was was always something my ex always wanted me to do with her. And in the senses that you mention, it seems like a really healthy practice. nNo wonder it has become more and more common. I did not realize that yoga had all of these spiritual/emotional/physical ties.

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

I am fragments. I am multi-faceted.

 

I am so many things, but I have no singular identity.

 

I'm bad, good, smart, stupid, funny, serious, loving, hurtful, talented, clumsy at different times.

 

I'm a little of this, a little of that, but not much of anything. Not anything in particular.

 

I conform to no mold. I learn through experience. I've experienced many things. I take no one's word for anything that I cannot be sure of myself.

 

I'm a seeker. Of answers.