My fiance and I keep trying, and keep fighting...I am SO sad

[Thinkalot]

Some of you know my backrgound...overcoming OCD and my relationship problems.

 

For those who don't...I am getting over obsessive thinking/compulsions, which have played havoc with my relationship with my fiance.

That aside we have MAJOR communication problems. We are having some counselling, with the psych who is also helping me with my own issues.

 

We recently hit a point so bad, we began wondering if we were doing the right thing getting married. We love each other a lot, and have a strong connection, so we decided to try even harder, and agreed to the counselling etc.

 

For a while things have been going really well, and we've both been making an effort. Last night though, things exploded. I get upset and push him when he wants space. He gets angry and withdraws. A common scenario, however in our case it goes to another level. He doesn't just get angry, he swears, name calls and threatens to hit me if I say one more word.

 

I cry and often dont leave him alone. It all comes from something trivial usually. As to who starts thing...it varies, and we usually argue about that as well. Last night, I think I was doing a pretty good job, until he started to get so angry, and then asked me to shut up and leave him alone. I lost it...I didnt leave him alone. He threatened to flatten me. He told me I'd "f*cked up again, just like everything I do is a f*ckup", and called me a stupid bitch and so on and so on.

 

After that we both feel beaten emotionally. Him because I have pushed an issue, and got upset and demanded things..me because he snaps so easily, his anger is so intense, and his verbal abuse wounds me deeply.

 

Then later, I just get upset. I want us to make ammends. I ask for closeness. He cant give me that. Instead he gives me more anger. I get more upset. and so on.

 

It's xmas eve. I am in so much pain. I wanted this night to be special, going into xmas which I love. Here I am typing on here to avoid bothering him, because, yes, it's the next day, but he is still cold and angry and frustrated. I am still upset. I cried on and off all day. I feel like I will snap in two soon. I have a pain in my chest and knot in my stomach. There is noone I can talk to about this. Mum and he dont get on well at the best of times, so I can hardly spill the beans there. All she knows is we had a fight, and that I was abit upset. She knows we have communication issues, and about my OCD, but does not have an inkling of the depth of our problems. I dont want to worry my parents. I know they will fret, and I know they will judge, even if they try not to.

 

I explained calmly when he came home today how sad I still was. How I longed for some closeness, and felt like I needed a heartfelt apology for some of the things said, and that I was happy to hear any lingering concerns he had. He just told me he'd heard enough from me, and wanted space. guess he feels like he could break in two as well.

 

Our wedding is planned for four months from now. Heaven help us. Will we make it? Can we repair the damage, can we heal, canwe learn to have a healthy functioning relationship, that doesnt have episodes like this (sure they are less...but they shouldnt happen to this severity at all)? I dont know the answers to those questions. If we cant repair this soon, to a better state than this, I can't imagine wedding bells ringing in april.

 

I am venting here, in the height of my emotion. I usually try not to do that, because then, when we overcome this, and get back onto the path of healing and getting better, and I love the idea of my life with him, I am full of hope and love. It can feel embarassing then, to come back on here and talk about the wedding plans, and our love. Like I am so up and down. But what I feel now is true...and the love i feel for him, and the hope I have in the future is true too. In so many ways, this is the very best thing either of us has known, and yet in others it is clearly the worst.

 

if anyone is around, pls respond. Just even a friendly word would be good right now. Thanks.

[johan]

Hey, Think. I'm still pulling for you two. It's very demoralizing I know. Try to have faith that you're making progress toward something better. I believe you are. You haven't reached stability yet, I can tell, because you're both searching (different methods) and you aren't willing to settle for this. And you both appear to be feeling worse about it every time. Things will change, it's clear. It's too soon, but they'll change for the better, no doubt. Sometimes it just takes a buildup of energy before the breakthrough comes.

 

Stay together, though. When it comes, ride it out together. Promise each other that, and then get married when you reach equilibrium.

 

Here, take these. . Repeat every few hours until the symptoms pass.

[binturong]

*hugs* I'm sorry you're having such a disappointing holiday. Hopefully he'll get over it and you guys can enjoy Christmas together.

 

As to whether the two of you can overcome this hurdle? It sounds like it'll take a lot of work on both your parts. My husband and I used to fight like that. One day, when we weren't fighting, I told him how much worse it made things when he called me names...and just like that, he stopped. We'd still argue and fight, but there would be no name calling and that would help the fight to not escalate into something worse. Also, maybe you can learn to give him his space when he needs it? After the "little thing" that causes the big fight, if you feel yourself getting riled up, leave the house and go for a walk, go to the mall, whatever. Just get away from him...give him his space and give yourself some space to cool down. When you're not in the heat of the moment, it's easier to discuss things rationally.

 

Don't despair though. Relationships are work. Everything worth having in life is something you have to work for.

[Thinkalot]

Thank you both for responding. Things have calmed, as they do. We just gave each other a foot rub. We know there is lots of work to be done, but there is also lots of love. We understand it will take time.

Happy christmas wishes to you. It's xmas eve and bedtime here.

[immoralist]

Think, I hope by the time you read this that you and your fiance are back together, and at peace. That was quite a dust-up, as you described it. I worry sometimes about your physical safety given your man's rage and threats. Be careful, my dear.

 

It is often the ones we love the most who are capable of hurting us the most.

 

I wish you and yours a heartfelt Merry Christmas and happy and healthy New Year Down Under. Stay cool, my friend. Stay cool.

[Lonestar]

You can NOT marry this man. Take it from someone who has been in a verbally and physically abusive relationship. If you marry this man, the abuse is only going to escalate after the marriage. He needs counseling of his own to learn how to not be abusive and even then, the majority of abusers do NOT change.

 

I feel so bad for you becuase I know how much you love him, but love is not enough to stop this cycle. It doesn't matter what you do, name calling and threatening to hit you is not a normal and loving response.

 

If you marry him and then get pregnant, it'll escalate even more. The only thing you can do now is leave and never look back. You can count on this one thing I'm about to tell you - one year down the road you will have no self-esteem left and he will be calling you names on a daily basis. He will probably have hit you by then too. What a wonderful life. Get out.

[moimeme]

There is a whole different dynamic to living with someone with a disorder. I'm pretty sure that at least one of the counsellors that Think and her fellow have seen would have counselled her to leave if they believed that he was an abuser.

 

In fact, one of the leading AD/HD experts has a theory that people with AD/HD (and Thinkalot has that as well) unknowingly deliberately provoke others to anger because they can use the others' anger as a stimulant of sorts! There's even a section in one of his books called something like "I bet I can make you scream and throw things at me".

 

I spent a good deal of time on some AD/HD spouse boards. Most of the people on the AD/HD spouse boards found themselves in the same position her fiance finds himself in - they end up in absolute rages where they never before have been angry people or had trouble with anger. They are mystified as to why they get so frustrated and upset and become very depressed over their inability to deal with their partners. And the ones who finally give up and leave the relationships find that the anger subsides and they are able to behave like normal reasonable humans again.

[Lonestar]

That's insane! I don't care what her problem is. Calling her a stupid bitch and a f*ck up, then threatening to flatten her is abuse. WTF. moimeme, I can't believe that you would excuse that behavior just because she has OCD.

 

She is already taking the blame because he's programming her to do that, and it's only going to get worse with time. I feel horrible for Think's situation, but I'm certainly not going to blame her.

[johan]

Lonestar, take a quick read through this:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?threadid=43802

 

I'm not willing to level any condemnation on her fiancee at this point. I wouldn't say that the relationship has to end or that she should walk away. I am willing to say what I've said a hundred times: it's not acceptable.

 

There seems to be some escalation, but he hasn't hit her (the next word bothers me) yet. These things all occur in the midst of arguments he can't seem to handle any other way. Either it's because he's short on imagination or he thinks he's cornered. People react as strongly as required to get out of a situation like the latter. Like you, and unlike Moi, I'm not convinced he's really cornered, but then I haven't seen Think in action either. Moi would claim to know exactly what Think is doing, based on her own relationship history. Regardless, I'm still not convinced he's picking the optimal path. And it may not be so much that he feels cornered just while arguing. Maybe he feels it all the time due to this and other situations in the relationship. After all, he's about to sign up for it for life.

 

I think he's reverting to the brute force method to force things on track and prepare for the future. But, like I've said before, that's obviously a failing strategy. And it's introducing much more negative energy to the relationship. I have some ideas on other strategies, but there isn't room here for Johan's Relationship Book. And I wouldn't condescend to start throwing my solutions out there as if I know anything.

 

One thing that should factor in here: the typical abuser is also pretty controlling. From what I can tell, Think is a free woman in most every way. She's even free to bare the sordid details of their relationship here on LS. They collaborate on life decisions such as where to live, where to get married, where to vacation, etc. That's my impression and that's a pretty big positive to me. I don't hear of him starting the worst of their fights either. Think is the motivator when the bad ones happen. That isn't an assignment of blame, I'm just pointing out a dynamic.

 

No excuses for the name calling. It is unacceptable. But the whole thing should be considered at once. This behavior is not isolated.

[alphamale]

i think you need to re-evaluate your wedding plans, if it is that bad now it will only get worse once the union becomes legal.

 

i wish i could give you more positive advice.

[johan]

Changing the wedding plans is going to feel like a huge failure. I would think "why aren't we just breaking up then". If they could put the wedding off for 6 - 12 months without feeling like they are failing, I'd be all for that. I think it would take some detailed planning to find solutions during that time, as opposed to just agreeing to wait with only vague ideas about what will happen. I guess they aren't at the last resort yet.

 

I agree there's a big chance of things getting worse after the wedding. It's not 100% though. It could go the other way. Who knows. I'm convinced it will escalate as the day draws near though. By April something will break loose.

[blind_otter]

Granted, I am just getting out of an abusive relationship. But I remember the constant energy drain it was on me trying to convince myself that it was everything but abuse. That it was me, the colossally f*cked up person that I am, with PTSD and rape trauma syndrome, epilepsy, and postpartum depression -- that cause my ex to degrade me with me sitting there allowing myself to live on a rollercoaster. Women in abusive relationships do that sort of thing. She spends time convincing herself that it's her fault that he can't control himself. But an adult can. You can know exactly how to hurt someone the most and, even in the heat of anger, choose not to hurt them in that way. That is what love is about.

 

There is always a honeymoon period after abuse occurs. It feels great. It is seriously like getting high. There's no feeling like it that I've had yet, a euphoria that seems like it makes the nasty parts worth it.

 

But you know what I realized, me having emotional problems is NO EXCUSE for my ex treating me like ****. Period. It something that my therapist told me when I saw her on Monday. And I have to say that I thought it was unethical for a person's therapist to also treat their partner. I would think it would be better to refer the couple to a marriage and family therapist that is unbiased.

 

Living with someone with mental issues is hard, I know, but your role is supposed to be one of support for them. And that should be addressed in couples therapy as well.

 

I can't really say what I want to. It's not my decision anyway. A man's job is to control himself. If he doesn't do it on his own, it only escalates. Abusive behavior like that is indicative of emotional immaturity. Maybe he will get to the point one day where he doesn't call women "stupid bitches" and belittle his partner during her attempts to recover from a difficult mental illness. But this has become the emotional landscape of their relationship, and part of their habitual interactions.

 

No abused woman ever thinks or believes their partner will do whatever it is they do that eventually shocks her into leaving.

[meanon]

I'm sorry I missed this thread, Thinkalot, but hope things have continued to calm down for you both and that you enjoy Christmas. You are trying different ways to control the OCD and that means the condition is up and down. Three things may help.

 

Firstly, do consider getting a referral to a psychiatrist. You wouldn't need to see one for long. If the health care system is in any way similar to here, they have so much more experience of handling this condition than either a family doctor or a psychologist. That experience makes all the difference. You can continue to see the psych you are seeing now as well. As a minimum, I'd see your doctor to discuss the idea.

 

Secondly, do think about having a break, a short time apart. I'm not suggesting you split up or postpone the wedding but things can not continue as they are. I know you will say you fear losing him but the relationship is under such pressure at it is that you may well have to face that fear. Better to do so now as part of a constructive step to provide you both some respite and re-energise for the future together.

 

Thirdly, if I were you I'd seriously consider giving the meds another whirl. Things seem to have been much worse since you came off them.

 

Take care of yourself, my friend.

[moimeme]

WTF. moimeme, I can't believe that you would excuse that behavior just because she has OCD.

 

I'm not. I'm in a unique and peculiar situation in this. I have been in an abusive relationship. I have been in a relationship with someone with a series of disorders. It's only just occurred to me that that's probably pretty unusual. But that's why I think I have a fair bit of perspective on both situations and how I can say that one is not the other. As Johan pointed out, this relationship has few of the symptoms of an abusive relationship. And as I have already said, it has all the earmarks of an AD/HD partnership.

 

And please also note the other thing I said - if you would read all of Thinkalot's posts, you'd know that she has seen several counsellors over time. She tells them about her situation. None of them are suggesting she should leave. This is not the classic abuse situation.

 

She is already taking the blame because he's programming her to do that, and it's only going to get worse with time. I feel horrible for Think's situation, but I'm certainly not going to blame her.

 

Nobody is blaming anybody. Both, IMHO, are victims of biology. She is compelled to ask him distressing questions until he snaps and tries to escape. Then she continues to press him when he attempts to remove himself from the situation. His first reaction is NOT to hit or call names but to try to escape. It is when his escape is thwarted that he resorts to names and threats. His system is under stress and is trying to make the stressor quit stressing him by getting him to leave the situation but she follows him and continues to press him because her OCD forces her to continue trying to fix her problem by gaining information. It's a dreadful cycle, and neither has been successful in breaking it. Really, I think what he ought to do is leave the house entirely, get in the car, and go drive someplace to maybe have a hot chocolate or something.

 

One of the main ways people are supposed to prevent themselves from engaging in angry exchanges is to remove themselves - and that's what he tries to do.

 

Moi would claim to know exactly what Think is doing, based on her own relationship history

.

Actually, I might claim to know how bf is feeling because that's the side of the relationship I was on.

 

Regardless, I'm still not convinced he's picking the optimal path. And it may not be so much that he feels cornered just while arguing.

 

Imagine a life where you are questioned constantly about parts of the past that you want put in the past. Even saints have only so much patience. The Dalai Lama himself has said he gets angry and frustrated with people. The law recognizes that people can be driven to breaking points. But it's nobody's 'fault'. Thinkalot is as much a victim of her obsessions as is her bf. I think it's terrible that these wretched disorders make life so difficult for people and that's why if meds work, I'm all for them. Something has to be done to help people in these situations.

 

If they could put the wedding off for 6 - 12 months without feeling like they are failing, I'd be all for that. I think it would take some detailed planning to find solutions during that time, as opposed to just agreeing to wait with only vague ideas about what will happen. I guess they aren't at the last resort yet

 

I agree completely. I also think they should live apart - not far far apart; maybe in side-by-side apartments until they can learn a strategy to use to help them disengage in the midst of these battles.

 

that it's her fault that he can't control himself. But an adult can. You can know exactly how to hurt someone the most and, even in the heat of anger, choose not to hurt them in that way. That is what love is about.

 

I suggest you read up some sites on coping with people with illnesses and maybe attend a class or two. That anger is a problem for the non-ill person is well-known and very common. And nothing is gained by making that person the guilty party. Both are suffering because of the situation and both need help to cope.

 

Thirdly, if I were you I'd seriously consider giving the meds another whirl. Things seem to have been much worse since you came off them.

 

I agree with meanon, too. OCD is, I gather, a really thorny little devil to deal with and the course of meds sometimes has to last a year or more before the OCD can be brought in check. Hopefully the psych work uncovering the insecurities will work, but it is a chicken-or-egg question and it just may be that the OCD reappears in another form once the questioning ends.

[sean001]

Maybe I'm just too young and naive. But I'm not really that young (31), and I've had my fair share of bitter relationships. However, my optimism has never been destroyed and rarely have my standards been compromised.

 

I just refuse to choose to spend my life with someone who brings out my worst. Aren't there people in this world who bring out our best? Aren't there people who fill us with joy, not sadness? Aren't these the ones we're supposed to be with? I've dated them before and still believe to this day I'll find them again.

 

Again, just a word from someone who is naive and won't get married unless we bring out the best in each other...

[moimeme]

Disorders are foisted upon people who didn't ask for them and don't want them but have to live with them. Disorders cause people to behave counterproductively and that in turn can wreak havoc on a relationship. Which is nobody's fault and the people stuck with disorders ought not be sentenced to isolation because disorders are difficult to live with.

 

This isn't about personality flaws. I'd agree with you if it were.

[brashgal]

Thinkalot - having read most of your posts, I'm still not inclined to entirely blame the OCD and/or ADD/ADHD - Bunnyboy needs to get a handle on the anger. I agree with Meanon that a break is probably in order and that you might want to get back on meds - different meds maybe though.

 

I'm sending out a Christmas wish that 2005 will find both of you working hard toward overcoming your obstacles. God bless you.

[Thinkalot]

well hi everyone...it's boxing day morning here.

 

I just logged on (am at work) to see all these responses.

 

Firstly, thanks for the advice and good wishes. I know that whenver I am entirely honest on here it provokes a lot of mixed reactions.

 

We had a good xmas together. We talked about things we need to do (again) and were loving to each other. I still feel bruised emotionally, and he probably does too. But that's to be expected.

 

There is a lot of advice here, which makes sense.

 

I would have to say, it is true. There is name calling and threats, as a reaction to whats going on with me and the dynamic. I dont think it's OK. He doesn't think it's OK. In fact, we both hate it. We both fear what the future could be like. We both want positive changes to happen.

 

I would not describe our relationship as abusive. I am free to do what I like, and am supported in all my ventures in life etc...all decisions, such as finances, travels, future plans are made together, and we listen to each others thoughts and opinions. He does not control me and my actions etc. It becomes abusive at certain times...but then I become irrational too, and in a sense, am emotionally abusing him.

 

One thing I would like to say, which does concern me, is that it often is not as a result of my questioning on his past anymore at all. I hardly ever do that now (I manage to control the urge). now, it is simply more a case of us disagreeing on something, him wanting to drop the subject, me wanting to talk about it. Him saying, pls leave me alone, and drop it. Me saying, "but I just want to sort this out, and ask this..or that".

 

Now, I know that this could be poor communication skills, and be a mars/venus type reaction. I also know that me being me, means I find it very hard to let go. I truly feel COMPELLED to get to the bottom of whatever it is, however small. The more he gets angry and refuses to talk, the more I feel driven to get him to talk, and show emotion.

 

The worst part comes when he gets nasty. His comments are designed to hurt. He tells me for example, to "f*ck off and do us both a favour". I say pls dont swear at me, and he swears more. He wants me to go away. He tells me I'm this and that.

 

At that point, the smart thing would be to leave. But no, more than anything I want him to show me closeness and care, and say sorry. I ask him to pls say sorry. He gets worse. Because all HE wants is to be left alone. Rationally afterwards I can see that. In the heat of the moment I cannot, and he cant see clearly either. We are both at fault. We are both out of control. That happened later on xmas eve aswell. I lay down and cried...for ages. My crying annoyed him, and he walked around telling to stop being a 'petulant child, and complaining, and crying". More than anything he wants peace and quiet and space. More than anything I want comfort, closeness. We both end up unhappy at that time.

 

My initial reaction to suggestions of postponing the wedding is-- no no no. I dont want to do that. We have postponed our engagement so much in the past, waiting till things were better, or right etc. I feel we could postpone forever waiting for things to be better. I KNOW things are pretty bad now, when they get bad. But they have been getting better, and showing signs of doing so over the past 2 weeks. This explosion was the one really bad thing in that time frame. For us, that is a sign we are both trying and making improvements.

 

I understand my reaction is probably pretty emotional, and not entirely the most rational or sensible. I expect some of you will point that out- lol!

 

Time apart is a good suggestion. Logistically/financially it is hard to implement.

 

It also feels like failure- like we might as well throw in the towel. Like we've tried for long enough and failed. I dunno- maybe I'm being dramatic. I'm trying to be honest though.

 

The problems we have however, are obviously serious, and are things we both find hard, especially as we dont have people we feel we can talk to about them.

(expect professionals...and you guys)

 

When things calm down, and we are back being loving, we feel so hopeful and close. I almost hate talking about this on here today, when we just had a nice xmas together. I dont want to think about the problems which are still obviously present. When things are going well, it seems like they'll just keep getting better..until there is ablow up ..like xmas eve. Then the dissapointment we both feel afterwards is strong. Bunnyboy said yesterday, try not to feel sad, lets get back on with getting better, and have a good day. And we did. He seemed hopeful.

That helped me be hopeful. Maybe hope and love makes us unrealistic optimists. Maybe not taking time apart or postponing the wedding is a sign of that.

 

 

Thanks for caring anyway.

[Thinkalot]

Originally posted by johan

I guess they aren't at the last resort yet.

 

 

I guess not. Not ready to postpone, not ready to move out for a while. We want to give it a fair go with the new therapist we are seeing. we'll see what he suggests as we go on, and we'll see how we go. We will embrace the relationship, the counselling and each other, with hope, courage and I suppose, determination.

 

I'll let you know how we get on. Meanwhile, I'll try not to vent on here on the height of emotion too much. Sometimes it's just like a relief valve for me. But I know it's often the same old, same old, being said, and i know that can get frustrating to read. I take on what gets said here though, and appreciate it, even if I don't always fully agree/or choose to act on it all at this point.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by Thinkalot

I guess not. Not ready to postpone, not ready to move out for a while. We want to give it a fair go with the new therapist we are seeing. we'll see what he suggests as we go on, and we'll see how we go. We will embrace the relationship, the counselling and each other, with hope, courage and I suppose, determination.

 

 

therapy and counseling are generally reserved for AFTER marriage and not before. And even then, after you've been married for quite a while.

[johan]

therapy and counseling are generally reserved for AFTER marriage and not before. And even then, after you've been married for quite a while.

Irrelevant.

[Thinkalot]

Originally posted by alphamale

therapy and counseling are generally reserved for AFTER marriage and not before. And even then, after you've been married for quite a while.

 

Incorrect in my view. Many people have issues, in the relationship stage. If we'd married early in our relationship we would be going through this as husband and wife now...it all depends on the people, and the situation, and the issues in my opinion, but I understand you are entitled to yours.

[meanon]

I just refuse to choose to spend my life with someone who brings out my worst. Aren't there people in this world who bring out our best? Aren't there people who fill us with joy, not sadness?

Thankalot, this is a very fair point that you need to consider, without all the blame and guilt caused by the effect of your illness and his reaction too it - both of which are understandable.

 

One thing I would like to say, which does concern me, is that it often is not as a result of my questioning on his past anymore at all. I hardly ever do that now (I manage to control the urge). now, it is simply more a case of us disagreeing on something, him wanting to drop the subject, me wanting to talk about it. Him saying, pls leave me alone, and drop it. Me saying, "but I just want to sort this out, and ask this..or that".

That's what bothers me too. It's almost as if he's become intolerant to any manifestations of the illness and the inability to let things drop when you need reassurance is part of the illness, no question. I understand why, that the pressures you subject him to may feel like emotional abuse, but given the devastating effects on both of you at some point you need to take a pragmatic approach to this problem.

 

All partners of people with OCD suffer unless the condition is well controlled. We all have our weaknesses and ill fortune in life, yours has a label. How likely the relationship is to survive depends entirely on how the partners react to the condition and how well it's controlled in the long term. His reaction exacerbates the insecurity which is the driver of the problem in the first place. He has to learn to control this reaction or you will never find a way to live together in peace. He has as much work to do as you, Thinkalot, and you'll stand a much better chance as a couple if he realises this. If he can't do it, then he's simply not the man for you.

 

I know your love is strong and special. If there's a way, you'll both find it together.

[moimeme]

therapy and counseling are generally reserved for AFTER marriage and not before. And even then, after you've been married for quite a while.

 

Bogus. People are not born knowing how to relate well to each other. There'd likely be a lot less LS posters if people in relationships got expert advice on how to foster their own relationships long before the relationships start breaking down.

 

I truly feel COMPELLED to get to the bottom of whatever it is, however small. The more he gets angry and refuses to talk, the more I feel driven to get him to talk, and show emotion.

 

You do realize that you are trying to force him to do what you want him to do, don't you? And, like most normal people, he responds badly to someone trying to force him to her will.

 

Picture this: a female posts to say that her bf does things which upset her and she reacts and they often fight, but when the fight gets too stressful, she tries to leave so they can cool down but he follows her and won't leave her alone - he demands that she discuss with him even though she's distressed and wants time to cool down. Posters would be all in a lather about this awful man who insists on pushing her to talk when she only wants time to recoup. They would say he was controlling. If she said she starts screaming at him and calling him names because she can't make him leave her alone otherwise, I'm guessing there'd be a lot of sympathy and understanding for her. People still have a double standard about things like this and women can get away, sometimes, with doing things that in men would not be tolerated.

 

More than anything he wants peace and quiet and space. More than anything I want comfort, closeness.

 

And in the heat of the moment, both of you focus on YOUR wants rather than on your partner's needs. And so long as both of you remain locked in a power struggle where each is fighting to get what he wants - even at the expense of the other - you two aren't going to defeat this.

 

If one, or even better, both, of you, could escape from the compulsion to get what you want, this situation would quit being a situation. However it is my fear that in both cases your biology is overtaking rationality. Maybe you both need drugs to tame the biology long enough for you to be able to implement new strategies.

 

His reaction exacerbates the insecurity which is the driver of the problem in the first place. He has to learn to control this reaction

 

And I don't think it's fair to expect Bunnyboy to have to be the person to make the change. Somehow the assumption is that he isn't suffering and all he needs to do is get a grip, but from all Thinkalot has said, he's quite stressed because of a lot of work and that is as hard on the system as depression or other conditions. He needs to use his own resources to deal with the stress just as Thinkalot does to deal with her OCD.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by Thinkalot

Incorrect in my view. Many people have issues, in the relationship stage. If we'd married early in our relationship we would be going through this as husband and wife now...it all depends on the people, and the situation, and the issues in my opinion, but I understand you are entitled to yours.

 

 

What I was trying to say was if you are in therapy now then you should not get married because it will be 10x worse once you get married.

 

Marriage amplifies the good and the bad and things change dramatically once it is legal. If you have not been married before you will find out for yourself.