19 year(s) itch

[MindNumb]

Hi everyone. My problems are not so bad I suppose after some of the stuff I've been reading on this forum.

 

My Wambulance has arrived: I've been married for nearly 20 years and it has been rocky pretty much the entire time. Neither my Wife or myself has ever layed a hand on one another in anger. Come to think of it, we have never even had a heated argument. What has always bothered me is the fact that she has this anger for people and carries a grudge for life. There was a time that I actually had a relationship with most of my family (Dad, Mom, Brother, Sister,etc...etc). Like I said, there was a time. Also...the never-ending nagging. Hell...I wanted to leave her 6 months after we were married...but then she bacame pregnant. Doctor told me I was crazy for getting the vasectomy 17 years ago...turns out it is the ONLY decision I have never doubted. Sssooo glad I didn't assist in bringing another person in between our years of disfunction and indifference. It has always seemed very selfish to me that people in crisis even consider bringing a child into the world (which is why I got the big V 17 years ago). Well, now our Son is nearly 18 and I am really thinking about moving on being that our Son is getting ready to leave the house...probably for the same reasons as me. Do I scratch my 19 year(s) itch or what?

[renezfd]

Hi.

 

I agree. My present situation has gone pretty smooth compared to some folks.

 

 

You need to listed to your heart. If there is love between you two, then maybe seek counseling together. It sounds like she may need to do that on her own 1st. (the grudges).

 

 

You deserve to be happy, and so does she. But you may not be able to be happy with her till she is happy with herself. That's what I went through. I wasn't happy with myself. I couldn't give her the love she deserved till I could love myself. So I would hurt her (never physical). In turn, she fell out of love with me (this went on for 2 years).

 

 

Now we've moved on.

But I'm happy and I forgive myself.

I am becoming a better person.

 

 

Good luck.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Originally posted by MindNumb

Do I scratch my 19 year(s) itch or what?

 

If you know without a doubt that you want out, and no amount of counseling will change how you feel - then you should tell your wife the truth about how you feel and tell her you want a separation instead of going out to 'scratch an itch'.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by MindNumb

Come to think of it, we have never even had a heated argument.

 

Do I scratch my 19 year(s) itch or what?

 

 

A couple that NEVER has arguments is just as abnormal as a couple that has too many arguments. One of you two is giving in all the time, most likely you.

 

Sounds like she has dominated you for 20 yrs and you're finally sick of it. You must have forgotten to lay down the law two decades ago. Does she have any respect left for you?

 

You should know by now what you want to do. If divorce is the best option for you then do it. But in you next relationships make sure you stand up for yourself and put yourself first.

[Karlise13]

Wow

 

Sounds like 19 years of simmering discontent.

 

Couples who NEVER argue are often disconnected. They may appear to function in a compatible manner,but there 's too much left unsaid and too many repressed feelings.

 

Sounds like you haven't been in love for many years. What reasons would you have to stay?

 

Your son is an adult and will be fine, no matter what your decision. Perhaps you taking a firm stance about wanting some happpiness in your life would be a good example for him

[alphamale]

Originally posted by Karlise13

Couples who NEVER argue are often disconnected. They may appear to function in a compatible manner,but there 's too much left unsaid and too many repressed feelings.

 

Exactly. Two normal individuals in a normal relationship will have their disagreements and arguments from time to time, this is natural.

 

I knew a couple who dated for 3 yrs and were so proud to say they had never had an argument during that time. I thought WTF? Which one of these two is a spineless jellyfish? It ended up being her and he dumped her over the summer.

[MindNumb]

I wouldn't say that we have never argued...we have. It has just never been heated from my perspective. Maybe my perspective is wrong? I definitely don't like to dramatize an issue an make it out what it isn't. I am definitely not spineless and either is my wife...I always speak my mind and my wife and I have been over our issues countless times. It was definitely my Dad duty that has kept us together all these years. I think I also feel sorry for her cause she was adopted and her family has always treated her as seconds...they downright ignore her. It's no wonder she hates family stuff and all. I just never have been able to stand the bitterness/anger. I have had 2 ulcers for several years and all her crap just upsets my stomach.

 

When I said "Scratch an itch", I wasn't inferring to cheating. I simply meant to leave her. I could definitely not do this married thing again or even live with someone else. Nothing is black and white...it's all so complicated...especially after 20 years....hell, I don't even know anything different anymore...

[alphamale]

Originally posted by MindNumb

I wouldn't say that we have never argued...we have. It has just never been heated from my perspective. Maybe my perspective is wrong? I definitely don't like to dramatize an issue an make it out what it isn't.

 

When I said "Scratch an itch", I wasn't inferring to cheating. I simply meant to leave her. I could definitely not do this married thing again or even live with someone else.

 

you are married 20 yrs and NEVER had one heated argument??? this is abnormal.

 

you should leave if you're unhappy. the only reason to marry and stay married is to bring up kids in a decent home. you are done with that.

 

or maybe you can stay married but live apart and have your own seperate lives.

[Owl]

Mind-

 

If you're looking for advice, here's mine based on 17 (working on 18) years of marriage. Get counseling. Definitely marriage counseling, and seriously consider individual counseling as well.

 

My wife and I went through a ROUGH time last Spring...if you're interested, take a look at my post over on the Infidelity section. We started going through counseling trying to get over that particular crisis...and, for the most part, we've done that. But we're still going to counseling...because like you, we've got almost two decades of stuff that we're still working through. A lot of those issues led up to what happened last spring.

 

It sounds to me like you aren't sure if you still want to stay married or not at this point. Not because you don't like/love your wife...but because you're tired of your marriage?

 

Make sure you've done everything you can to fix what you've got before you decide to call it quits and try something else. Who knows, it might actually FIX your marriage, and make the two of you happier together now than you've been in 19 years (that's pretty much where my wife and I are right now...). At the worst...you'll at least KNOW that you've done your best to try to work it out, and couldn't. You're not leaving the marriage with any feelings of guilt or loss that way...you can at least then feel like you've done what you could, but it didn't work out.

 

Regardless...good luck friend.

[Cheeto]

We've done the counseling thing three times over the last ten years. It's me that wants to call it quits. It's almost like trying to quit a really addictive and bad habit. Withdrawals must be a real drag. It seems anything in excess is not good for a person regardless of what it is. OWL- You pretty much nailed it...I don't know what to do...hence MindNumb. I am literally numb from years of whatever. Who ever said single people are all lonely and don't live as happy or long as married people are full of crap. Is there a drug that I can take that will take away all feelings of guilt and care so that I can just get it done and over with? How is it that people just walk away? Is it just that some people are so selfish or what?

[Owl]

You still don't say WHAT it is your unhappy with in your marriage. Do you not love her? Is she not meeting some of your emotional needs? You've been to counseling, so you must at least have identified what the problems are in your relationship...so what's the status on FIXING those issues?

 

I've re-read your post a couple of times...and I just don't see what it is you're unhappy with.

 

Does SHE know how unhappy you are? That you're considering calling it quits? I just ask, because it only makes sense that she be given her chance to fix whatever is broken on her part.

[Max Zoom]

Max is probably not going to endear most of the ladies to him with this one BUT: Max thinks you should take Alpha's advice. In fact, Max finds Alpha's advice for men pretty right on more times than not.

[Ladyjane14]

I'm somewhat curious as to why the idea of divorce is a problem for you at all. You're obviously unhappy in the marriage. I can't imagine that your wife is very much satisfied with it either, given your state of ambivalence and her state of anger.

 

What favor are you doing her by staying in the relationship when you have no tender feelings for her? Is it possible that she might find a more loving relationship if given the freedom to do so? Would you?

 

If you're just resenting her all the time for keeping you tied to a life that you are discontent with, it's no wonder you're eating holes in your own stomach.

 

It looks like you've already spent the better part of two decades internalizing your feelings, rather than dealing with them. Consider please, that it's not been just your own time that you've wasted.

 

Even though you've said that it's you "who wants to call it quits", you might ask yourself if staying with her is truly in her best interest. If you can't be a full and loving partner in the marriage, why would she want to stay with you anyway?

 

Maybe you should think about putting your cards on the table. Tell her how you really feel.

[Cheeto]

It just seems like a total quit to me after so many years. I have totally forgotten who I am and my only identity seems to be HUSBAND/PROVIDER. I don't know how else to even act it has been so long (entire adult life). But you are right about laying the cards out. I laid out the cards 2 nights ago. Guess what happened...yep...she got angry. Hell...we can't even have a conversation any more without it turning to "what did I do to deserve this". She must think it's all about her...and not even care about how I feel. I swear I have to just leave for her to get it. I just wish I didn't have to live in that house anymore, however, I can't afford to go anywhere else at the moment. I don't even have any friends or family within a few hundred miles due to just being transferred here in August (15 yrs in military). There is just nowhere or no one to turn to and it really sucks.

[Owl]

Originally posted by Cheeto

It just seems like a total quit to me after so many years. I have totally forgotten who I am and my only identity seems to be HUSBAND/PROVIDER. I don't know how else to even act it has been so long (entire adult life).

 

 

Sounds to me like you're having a mid-life crisis. I know your feelings...felt the same way myself...and I know how the military life goes as well.

 

Bluntly, you've got to flat decide what you want to do. You're not happy with your current situation...again, the only thing you've pointed out that you're not happy with is that she gets angry. I've not seen one other thing saying what you don't like in your marriage.

 

I have no idea what kind of counseling you've tried in the past. What issues did you focus on then?

 

Honestly, with as vague as you've been with what is really bothering you, I do think it sounds like a "mid life crisis" type thing. My wife was suffering from untreated depression for about a year before things came to a head and she began an emotional affair with someone. When it all came out, and we began counseling, it became apparent that she couldn't sit and REALLY point out one thing she was unhappy with. The problem was, she had depression and I was the only other "adult" in her life....she was unhappy, and I was the only possible source for her unhappiness....ergo, she was unhappy with ME. This led to her emotional affair...but when she began getting treatment for her depression, coupled with the counseling, and getting the OM out of our lives, she swung back to me like a magnet. She's tons happier about how things are now in our lives, and glad that she DIDN'T leave and ruin it.

 

I'd suggest that you try some personal counseling to identify what needs/issues aren't being met in your marriage. Being able to know and say what those issues are will let you begin working on whether or not they can be met in your marriage...and then you can consider joint counseling again with the wife to see what SHE can do to meet those needs. And if she can't...you've done all you can to save your marriage.

[Cheeto]

It might be mid-life crisis. Here are my issues with the marriage from the top:

1. Her constant anger at our son, me, or whoever happens to be in crosswalk or looks her way without smiling.

2. She just lays around the house most of the day only to heap all her problems for the day on me when I get home.

3. Unless I am entertaining her she is bored.

4. Why is it that I can sit there and watch tv with her for hours but god forbid I sit there and read a book.

5. Because of her weight gaining it has become increasingly difficult to carry her on the back of my bike for rides. I don't have the heart to tell her she needs to lose 80+ lbs.

 

I would do counseling if I knew where to go and how it was going to be paid for. I am in a 5 person unit in the middle of the desert!

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by Cheeto

I would do counseling if I knew where to go and how it was going to be paid for. I am in a 5 person unit in the middle of the desert!

 

If you have medical health insurance, call the member services number on the insurance card. Some cards have a separate mental health services line. They can provide you with a summary of your benefits, and a list of providers in your area.

 

You might also consider seeing your medical doctor as well.

 

It's impossible to control the actions of other people. You can only control what you do.

 

Re-read Owl's last post. It is good advice.....and it's FREE!!!