Bad Avoidant day

[AnyaNova]

So I am already in a place that I am not comfortable. I am already in a place that my brain immediately associates with the horrors of junior high gym class (the ultimate iconic moment of my junior high gym years which were full of many incidents of bullying, involved a whole gym full of seventh and eighth grade girls--of whom I was one-- literally as one turning and screaming at me for missing some basketball related thing that I was supposed to have gotten. I was literally terrified that I was about to be physically attacked, they were so upset. I also am an HSP, read here--person whose nervous system processes sensory information much more deeply, and thus has a much lower sensation seeking threshold and hence gets overstimulated at a much lower point, and so the sheer sensory overload was also overwhelming), and I have extreme social anxiety and AvPD.

 

Just getting in the door to a gym with actual exercise related things is quite the victory.

 

And anyway, during my training session, during the breaks, my trainer kept running off to go chat with his fellow trainer buds and left me standing there like an idiot.

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that he should, like, have to hover around me or anything.

 

But it would be nice to not feel like I am such a burdensome and boring person that he can't wait to get away from me.

 

And much as I tried to tell myself that it wasn't me. It wasn't a statement on me, or a rejection of me, because frankly he doesn't have any knowledge of me or who I actually am to actually reject...

 

I swear there is a little 9 year old inside me who seems to hold sway over my emotions. And any little thing that could be perceived as rejection...

 

Is.

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

AvPDers have Hyper-Sensitivity and Hyper-Awareness. What is HSP, hyper sensory perception?

 

That hyper-awareness really makes it tough to stop noticing every little thing.

 

The hyper-sensitivity well, makes you super sensitive to stimuli as you've stated.

 

Yours is 9 yrs old?

I think mine is 5 yrs old.

 

Good job telling yourself it's not you even if you felt it didn't help. The self-talk is like a muscle. You have to exercise it to make it strong. It will take time and determination. When are you starting CBT?

[AnyaNova]

AvPDers have Hyper-Sensitivity and Hyper-Awareness. What is HSP, hyper sensory perception?

 

That hyper-awareness really makes it tough to stop noticing every little thing.

 

The hyper-sensitivity well, makes you super sensitive to stimuli as you've stated.

 

HSP stands for, "Highly Sensitive Person," and though it sounds like a joke, it is something very real, and that I was born with. A lot of HSP's are introverts (another thing I am).

 

I think the hyper-awareness is more of a protective measure the brain engages to ensure safety (not dissimilar to the hyper-awareness of people with PTSD).

 

In HSP, the brain processes (literally, they have documented increased blood flow in HSP's to the parts of the brain dealing with sensory stimuli) sensory stimuli more deeply. And so you will notice more the scratchiness of your clothes, the funky smell you pass on the street as you are driving, the way the lighting seems odd for the room et cetera. Add on a good case of ADD and AvPD and you can imagine how quickly sensory overload is reached.

 

 

Yours is 9 yrs old?

I think mine is 5 yrs old.

 

I'm pretty sure 9. That was the age I first encountered the severe rejection. And it seems to be about the right "mental age."

 

Good job telling yourself it's not you even if you felt it didn't help. The self-talk is like a muscle. You have to exercise it to make it strong. It will take time and determination. When are you starting CBT?

 

Technically, I've already had a bunch of CBT, and am in some right now. Though this is the first time my AvPD has been directly addressed. Though it does clear up a whole host of questions regarding why my crackerjack counselor who was seriously 90 shades of awesome (the one I had before I moved) never pushed me really hard into talking about stuff. Apparently, if you push us too hard, we tend to run away. I would guess he spotted the AvPD a mile away, and suspected that I was bolt like a scared kitten if he did (and, to be fair, I probably would have!).

 

I've been exercising the muscle. It helps some with the self-esteem, but really getting it to penetrate the emotional core is a difficult task that I haven't figured out, yet.

 

Why 5 for you?

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

HSP stands for, "Highly Sensitive Person," and though it sounds like a joke, it is something very real, and that I was born with. A lot of HSP's are introverts (another thing I am).

 

I think the hyper-awareness is more of a protective measure the brain engages to ensure safety (not dissimilar to the hyper-awareness of people with PTSD).

 

In HSP, the brain processes (literally, they have documented increased blood flow in HSP's to the parts of the brain dealing with sensory stimuli) sensory stimuli more deeply. And so you will notice more the scratchiness of your clothes, the funky smell you pass on the street as you are driving, the way the lighting seems odd for the room et cetera. Add on a good case of ADD and AvPD and you can imagine how quickly sensory overload is reached.

 

 

 

 

I'm pretty sure 9. That was the age I first encountered the severe rejection. And it seems to be about the right "mental age."

 

 

 

Technically, I've already had a bunch of CBT, and am in some right now. Though this is the first time my AvPD has been directly addressed. Though it does clear up a whole host of questions regarding why my crackerjack counselor who was seriously 90 shades of awesome (the one I had before I moved) never pushed me really hard into talking about stuff. Apparently, if you push us too hard, we tend to run away. I would guess he spotted the AvPD a mile away, and suspected that I was bolt like a scared kitten if he did (and, to be fair, I probably would have!).

 

I've been exercising the muscle. It helps some with the self-esteem, but really getting it to penetrate the emotional core is a difficult task that I haven't figured out, yet.

 

Why 5 for you?

 

Wow. That HSP thing sounds like it could even be a symptom of AvPD. It could be common that they occur together, who knows? Sounds like something I should look into because I feel that way. Sounds, smells, light...

 

5... I think because when I watch home videos of me at 5, I noticed I still act the same way as that kid on some level. Sort of a child-like mischievousness. And that's when I remember becoming very curious. Like, inappropriately curious.

[AnyaNova]

Wow. That HSP thing sounds like it could even be a symptom of AvPD. It could be common that they occur together, who knows? Sounds like something I should look into because I feel that way. Sounds, smells, light...

 

5... I think because when I watch home videos of me at 5, I noticed I still act the same way as that kid on some level. Sort of a child-like mischievousness. And that's when I remember becoming very curious. Like, inappropriately curious.

 

The interesting thing about HSP is that you can be born with it (most) or you can be traumatized into it as well. I know I was born with it, but I think the trauma I went through made me more sensitive. The books I have are all written by a woman for NF women, but I know they have some books out there for male HSP's. You might give one of those a shot.

 

I am perhaps inappropriately curious about the inappropriate curiousness. :-p

 

But, I do know how it is just like that kind of "age" thing just clicks and it is hard to explain how you know, but you just know.

 

So how do you get to the place where something like what happened to me at the gym yesterday truly doesn't bother you? Truly doesn't effect your self-esteem even momentarily?

 

Although I have come to a realization. Perhaps it is going to sound snotty, and I don't mean it to, but...

 

These are some of the common characteristics I have noticed among the AvPDer's (and high traits thereof) people I have known, and it is these that sparked this realization.

 

1) Intelligence

2) High amount of loyalty

3) trustworthiness

4) Prefers conversations on deep and meaningful levels

5) often creative

6) We love really deeply

7) We are very sensitive to our partners and friends, their moods and feelings

8) Often have highly developed hobbies/ personal passions and love to discuss them with those who share the interest

9) Highly conscientious

10) Prefers a few deep and close relationships to many superficial ones

 

--Above and beyond, obviously, the traits of anxiety and social difficulty that comprise the basic disorder.

 

But my realization is this.

 

Many people aren't willing to invest the time it takes to secure our trust and really get to know us, and perhaps they don't deserve to. If they are going to judge us as boring or burdensome or whatever, perhaps they don't deserve to get to know the rare jewels that we actually are.

 

Or at least, they certainly aren't rejecting us, because they don't know us to be able to reject us.

 

Of course, all of that did little to help the emotional aspect of it all...