Counselling needed -Want help communicating effectively with each other

[Tina1]

Hi

 

My husband and myself are looking for a counsellor who can teach us how to communicate effectively with each other. We recenlty had a first appointment with a counsellor but we left disappointed with that professional. We like her and are comfortable with her. So, hoping that we can resolve our concern before our next meeting, we tactfully infomed her of our concern via email. She replied and unfortunately, there is no indication from her that we can expect better next time.

 

Prior to our first meeting we each had spoken with this counsellor about our desire to communicate effectively and gave examples reflecting our struggles. She had said that this is easy because her probing questions informed her that there was no abuse, infidelity, etc. to complicate things. Easy, she explained means our situation has a straight forward solution. She admits not having gathered enough information during our first meeting yet she gave us a blanket homework solution that we feel didn't match our situation. We somehow expected better. We are not confident about further meetings with her even though we may try one more time.

 

Is there a resource where one can look up reviews/feedback on counsellors. Or one that is helpful in any way to match up the appropriate counsellor with the needs of the couple seeking assistance? If so please reply. Much thanks. Tina1

[alphamale]

a positive word-of-mouth reference is probably best in this situation. or just keep on going to new counselors until you find one you like and are comfortable with. you local house of worship may be able to recommend someone also.

[Tina1]

Thanks alphamale.

 

I did say that we like this one and are comfortable with her. We are just dissappointed in her ability or inability to help us. I.e. From speaking with us she has learnt that we spend a lot of time with each other. She learnt also that we like to talk with each other about anything. We are that open with each other. Yet for homework she tells us to daily talk for 15 min. with each other.

 

I think we had already expressed that we certainly have the desire and intent to do so, and contibute more time than she'd ever imagined to this because we are very fond of each other. Yet she gives us such a homework.

 

We were hoping for something from her that would take us a step closer to our goal which is not just talking with each other, but in the end feeling satisfied that we have each understood the meaning that the other was trying to convey.

Tina1

[quankanne]

have you thought about programs like Marriage Builders or even a Marriage Encounter weekend? you can do a web search on either; you can also search LoveShack for past posts on both, they've been mentioned on the site before.

 

my husband and I did an ME weekend nearly 5 years ago, and he'll tell you that it's the best thing we ever did for our marriage -- and he was the one who initially dragged his feet when it came to signing up!

 

basically, the weekend is spent with about 15-20 other couples who learn tools of how to communicate more effectively. it start with each couple asked what attracted one to the other, and gradually moves on to cover a series of topics or questions to ask each other throughout the weekend. it's pretty intense though, because it's just you and your spouse. no TV, no fraternizing (except at mealtime) with the other couples -- just a lot of writing and talking and listening. The event wraps up with Mass (it's sponsored by the Catholic Church, but open to people of other faiths).

 

I think the biggest gift DH and I got from our weekend was the ability to communicate honestly and openly, something that had plagued us from the start of our relationship because we both came in with a lot of baggage. Also, I think it gave him an assurance that I took marriage seriously (he'd been married twice before and had a VERY jaded perspective on love and marriage) because of my religious and family upbringing.

 

don't hesitate to seek other avenues than traditional counselling – you'd be surprised at what you find.

 

the best of luck to ya, tina!

[HokeyReligions]

Definately try the <URL removed> website. Read about the approach they use and see if that sounds like a good avenue for you. Hubby and I did the questionnairs together over a couple of months and that helped us because it was structured.

 

If you like the way the <removed> is set up, take that information with you to your counselor (or email er with some questions) and that may help your bond with the counselor.

 

Counseling usually take several sessions because the counselor needs to get to know you, as well as you get to know the counselor. Be patient and try her at least one more time before deciding to find a new counselor.

 

We've also gone through several counselors before we found one that we seemed to mesh with. I think the <removed> site might give you some more insight on the whole counseling process and maybe different approaches.

 

 

http://www.findingstone.com/find-a-therapist/regions/usa/marriagecounseling.htm

There is also an on-line resource for finding a therapist that you might try.

[blind_otter]

It's important to remember that there is no one therapist who fits with every client, just like every client is an individual. Some work better than others. It's important to have interviews with potential therapists prior to beginning therapy, to go over their therapeutic style, counseling philosophy, and the psychological theories that they ascribe to. Beware the therapist that labels themselves "eclectic" and yet offers no further explanation.

 

It's great that you left when you realized you weren't a good fit. Too many people think that therapists are somehow perfect, or that they should just know magically how best to treat each individual people. But different therapists work differently, and it's great that you already have a clear-cut idea of what you need to do.

 

Consider other things - would I respond better to a male or female therapist? Do I need them to assign homework, or do I work better independently? Do I have authority issues? Do I need someone more formal, or more familiar? What qualities or traits are most important to me? What type of help or advice have I responded to best in the past? Do I have any personal issues that might be an obstacle to a certain personality type? These are all important things to consider.

 

Poet and author Sylvia Plath was great friends with her therapist, and worked with the woman for 10 years. She still stuck her head in an oven and killed herself. So, it just goes to show, "clicking" with someone doesn't necessarily indicate effective therapeutic technique.

 

Kudos on being proactive about your needs, I wish you lots of luck in the new year....

[Thinkalot]

From my experience with counselling, both for myself, and for my relationship...it takes a while to sometimes find the right one for you. I liked all the people I have seen, but not all were helpful. I suggest going to someone else, who may have an approach which suits you better.

 

my fiance and i are in counselling now, and have found this person to have the most helpful approach for us...one which gets results, and seems to hit the mark of what we need.

 

good luck.

[jmargel]

You won't solve your problems in the first session or even maybe the tenth. It will take a long time. What I find though in communication problems is that when an arguement starts, any form of communication is over. You need to stop it from esculating to that.

 

In order to do that, you need to catch it before it turns into one. For example, men in general hate to feel like they are a disappointment. We will say or do anything to try to make you believe otherwise so, take this scenario

 

1. Wife says "How come you didn't take the trash out today, I swear you can't do anything without being told"

 

2. Man goes into defense mode. All he hears is that the wife has belittled him and has been attacked

 

3. Man says "It's because I was busy and it slipped my mind", then usually bring up something from the past that the wife did/didn't do would be brought up to counter his attack.

 

4. Wife thinks that her claims of taking out the trash were not validated and 'He'll never understand me', then she gets upset.

 

5. Argument starts

 

Now, to stop all this from happening, all the Wife really has to do is:

 

1. Instead say 'I understand you had a long day and it probably slipped your mind, but can you get the trash?'

 

Now the man does not feel like a disappointment and will not be defensive. You'll get him to respond better and also reinforce that he needs to take the trash out in the future. And it was because it was the way the wife treated him. Remember, your spouse is not your child. Don't talk down to them.

 

If you are on the receiving end of getting blasted by someone, instead of attacking right back, the fastest way to defuse the situation is to say 'I understand how you feel', even if you have to bite your tongue.

 

For the same situation, if the wife said: "How come you didn't take the trash out today, I swear you can't do anything without being told", the man instead of attacking her back could also have said 'I understand, sorry it just slipped my mind'. It will then show the wife he has taken her into consideration, and have a good chance of the wife apologizing to him for how she acted. It will then teach her to be more considerate in the future.

 

This is only one example, but using this as a template in most situations will more often allow better communication between you two. Also, communication is not just about talking, it's about listening. When one is talking, look at that person, ask questions when they are done (don't interupt), regarding the problem they are having. Also, check out my link in my signature, it may help you some.

 

Also remember, if things get very heated always tell your spouse 'I don't feel like talking about this anymore, I'll let you know when I do', then walk away. It tells your spouse you have reached a point that you need to cool off, but that you won't ignore the situation.

 

If you don't like your counseling, call the local hospital for references. Find one that is licensed and that has a number of years of experience. Also, make sure they are married themselves

[uberfrau]

whatever you do, if she tells you to read that 'men are from mars, women are venus' load of psyhcobabble bull****, run the other direction and stiff her on the bill. That model puts the work on the woman-basically, the 'therapy' involves the woman stroking the man's ego (along with his cok).

 

Really, if you can't communicate with each other without a 3rd party-you have some serious problems. A relationship doesn't always have to be 'work'.

[immoralist]

A relationship doesn't always have to be 'work'.

 

Well said, uberfrau. The best relationships of my life were the antithesis of "work." In fact, the more you hear the word "work" used to describe what a couple must do to maintain a relationship, the more troubled the relationship. It's the "Marriage as Gulag" school of thought.

 

If a marriage only involves "work," I'll gladly be unemployed.

[Thinkalot]

jmargel, the advice in your linked post is good. I hope you and your new wife are doing well, as I know you had some obstacles to overcome on the way to the alter.

My fiance and I are in the process of overcoming ours.

[Tina1]

Hi

 

I appreciate you sharing your experiences and suggestion(s) regarding communication challenges.

 

I started this thread requesting sources for finding a professional counsellor. We've found one. We are pleased with his qualification, experience and his ability to understand our situation from our perspective.

 

Its coming to light that my husband has had traumatic psychological/verbal abuse problems from his ex-wives and his entire family (a very large family). It is in connection with the terminology 'weak,' that they used in reference to him. He himself has in past related as much to me, plus, they used to tell me he's weak, until in response I started sharing examples of how he has effectively and fimly dealt with matters (already familiar to them). Years later they've acknowledged that he's become very assertive since he has met me. Now we don't hear that word anymore from them. I'm certain that they don't realize the harm they've done to him and its lasting effect. He doesn't seem to be aware of it either.

 

What then is our problem? My husband avoids facing discussions about situations where he suspects that he may be perceived as having acted 'weakly.' He will even substitute a fictious story to replace the real-life story. Very frustrating for me to witness him dramatically change the story in which was I also involved. To avoid the arguments that can arise out of such practise, we once communicated in writing-only, a situtation where a mistake on his part (continues to) negatively impact us. We had written this immediately following the situation. The purpose was simply to focust on recognizing how it happenned, then learn and grow from the experience. (It would have also given me a chance to talk about something similar that happenned to me which I desired to share with him.) When we tried to review the events my husband became uneasy with what he'd written. Then he refused to read or acknowledge the story content though written in his own handwriting. He instead created a verbal story so different from the written one that in order for it to be true the written one to be false. I was dumfounded by this.

 

You can now just imagine what it is like recounting to the counsellor our situation that we want solved, but not being able to agree on the problem because one of us doesn't seem to any longer have any memory of it.

 

Hopefully, there's hope for us.

[Ladyjane14]

Tread lightly here, my dear. There are land-mines all around you.

 

Conflict avoidance usually stems from the need to please people. People-pleasing usually stems from low self-esteem.

 

If you concentrate too much on fixing his problems, you may inadvertantly exacerbate them. If he is low self-esteem to begin with, putting his deficiencies under the microscope will not improve it.

 

I would suggest giving equal time and lavish attention to all of the positive aspects of his personality. You know, spend extra time enjoying him, and having fun together.

 

It's important that he doesn't perceive you to be controlling. That will allow him to turn the problem back on you....and avoid it altogether. Then it's your problem, and not his.

 

It's good news that you found a therapist that you are both more confident in. Hopefully, this one will work out better. But DO take your time. You might be ready to go full-speed-ahead, but it's probably best to let your husband set the pace, otherwise he may be overwhelmed.

 

Good luck.

 

p.s. You may find that his exaggerations cease to be such a problem, once his need to "people-please" is addressed. In the meantime, don't let it get under your skin. Rome wasn't built in a day!

[moimeme]

It seems that people often want to go to counselling when one partner thinks the other partner is the problem and needs 'fixing'.

 

Understanding goes a long way towards dealing with others' issues, IMHO. Have a read of 'cognitive dissonance'. It sounds as though your husband was very badly wounded and sometimes those wounds go very deep and are very hard to heal. People who have been damaged badly can, as you see, adopt completely dysfunctional coping strategies. They don't do it on purpose; it's a function of our survival instinct. A lot of love and understanding on your part will, I suspect, go a long way.