Ex-boyfriend still in her life -- how to react?

[sean001]

I've been dating someone for a couple months, but over the last week I've realized this girl's ex-boyfriend is still in the picture. We haven't discussed being "exclusive" but some feelings are sparking. She is the first girl in a LONG time that I really like.

 

The ex still causes her emotional grief and I'm not sure how to react. As I've gotten more details, I've learned that their relationship of two years "ended" just a few months ago and there is still emotional baggage.

 

I have mixed feelings. On the one hand, she's not my *girlfriend* and she can do whatever she wants. On the other hand, I don't want to set myself up for taking an emotional hit.

 

My suspicion is that she is still in the tail end of an old relationship. I would like the opportunity to see if more could develop between her and I at some point, but I really don't think it is my place to make demands or ultimatums, even though my opinion is that she shouldn't be talking to him if she wants to move on with her life.

 

I wanted to get everyone's advice on the best approach. Should I let her know that I'd love to continue dating her but need to think over whether it is best for ME if she is still tying up loose ends? I don't want to be overbearing and jealous, but is it wrong to get some more details at this point since we've been dating a couple months? What has other's experiences been?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Originally posted by sean001

Should I let her know that I'd love to continue dating her but need to think over whether it is best for ME if she is still tying up loose ends?

 

Yup. Tell her how it makes you feel to be in this situation. Be very clear about it. Generally speaking, women interpret "I need to think things over" as an excuse for backing out of the relationship. Just let her know that you are not backing away, but that you need to protect your heart in this situation while she is getting her heart back in order.

 

That's the bad thing about rebounds. You get to share your partner with the ghost of their former relationship. As long as she is still hurting over the ex, she can't reach her full relationship potential with you. The rebound person sometimes gets used as nothing more but a way to fill up the hole in the heart left by the former relationship - I can understand why you would not want to be in this situation.

 

Just talk it out with her. Be honest, and very clear with her. Maybe between the two of you, you can come up with something that works best for you both.

[very-confused-girl]

Well, you cant force her to stop seeing the guy nor u can make her stop thinking about him. She needs to feel herself when is the best moment to stop talking to him. She must get over the past relationship on her schedule, not yours.

 

But maybe she doesnt know how much she means to you, either. In that case try to have conversation with her and try to tell her in a very free and easy way something like 'that you are getting emotionally involved with her and you would like to take her into your heart completely but you are still holding back because obviously it seems to you like she still has feelings for her ex-boyfriend'.

 

Like this you would let her know about your feelings without making her feel that you are manipulating her into some position. Let her know that you have "noticed him being around her" and it makes you feel kinda uncomfortable. Then it is up to her to decide. And if time passed without anything getting changed then be a bit more pushy and if she still didnt make you feel comfortable in your "relationship", move on and find somebody else who has more commitment to you.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by sean001

I wanted to get everyone's advice on the best approach. Should I let her know that I'd love to continue dating her but need to think over whether it is best for ME if she is still tying up loose ends? I don't want to be overbearing and jealous, but is it wrong to get some more details at this point since we've been dating a couple months? What has other's experiences been?

 

Do you want to be exclusive now? Just say that. If it's just about her ex-boyfriend, but you wouldn't mind necessarily if she were seeing someone she had no past with, that's different.

 

In the first case the issue isn't the ex, it's exclusivity. In the second case, I would do exactly what you suggest in your own question = tell her you'd love to continue dating casually but perhaps she needs time to tie up her loose ends.

 

I mean, I've done that before. When a guy I was seeing casually once told me that he wanted to be exculsive, I said, OK, give me a week or two to tie up loose ends and have a clean break with so-and-so, and he did, and I did, and we then proceded to start out relationship.

[indigo_moon]

How did you realize her ex is still in the picture?

 

What do you mean when you say her ex is still causing her emotional grief?

 

If you have a good sense that she's still not completely over her ex/last relationship, then I'd say it's best for you to move along for now.......because the more you date her, the more you're going to fall for her........and you put yourself at great risk of getting hurt if she won't/isn't able to move on from him and give her heart to you.

 

Rebound relationships almost NEVER work out - and that's often when the person who's just out of a relationship appears to be over their ex and is ready for someone new...but here you have a situation where you've got good reason to believe she's still dealing with things.

 

Have a talk with her.....tell her you sense she's still got feelings to sort through, you care about her but you care about yourself, too and you don't want to be anybody's rebound guy or someone they just "pass the time with".......that's not an ultimatum, that's just expressing your needs and being honest.

[sean001]

Thank you EVERYBODY for sharing your experiences / suggestions. Indigo_moon -- to answer your questions, I found out he is still in the picture because she told me that she saw him and spent time with him the other day and it made her feel bad. There's more to it than that, but I only listened to what she volunteered -- I did NOT ask if there was still a romance between them -- in fact, I didn't give her 20 questions on it at all because, well, she's not my girlfriend, and -- more importantly -- I don't have that *pit* in my stomach when I think about it. But even though we haven't developed to that point yet, I'm still concerned about how this might affect things between us.

 

Blind_otter -- I guess the difficulty with this situation is that I haven't known her long enough to say, with certainty, that I want to be "exclusive." I'm not dating anyone else besides her, but that's my choice because I work long hours, just recently moved, and don't want the hassle of multiple dating. However, I DO NOT want to throw out there "I'm not seeing anyone else besides you" because that would seem to be a manipulative way to imply that she should do the same. It's only been a couple months (maybe 6-7 dates altogether?). I just want to figure out how best to preserve the potential for a good relationship.

[moto213]

Sean,

I understand exactly what you are going thru. I am going thru the same thing at the moment. The woman I am seeing now, revealed to me that she is still trying to let go from her last relationship that ended a year ago. They are still friends, but he keeps coming back into the picture and wanting to do things with her just as friends and that keeps her from moving on. I have developed deep feelings for her already which she knows, but she isnt sure she can give me what I want except friendship. By my own choice agreed to be friends, giving it some time to see if it could develope into a relationship or not. Most people say move on, but I would say if it feels right to you in your heart and your intelligent mind of reason, be friends and see if it developes more, but don't devote your life to her yet, since it might not turn into one. Nobody knows what is best for you, but you, and still you must really think and feel about it and still listen to reason and advice since they give many perspectives to what your answer will be. Love is strong and will make you do many unintelligent things, but never be in a hurry to get a relationship moving, since it will most likely end as quickly as it develops.

 

Jason

[bicyclejunk]

[color=darkred]Tell her how itmakes you feel, but then BACK-OFF.

 

You gotta save yourself from being hurt.

 

Also, If she continues to keep this ex as a Friend,

 

when and IF she commits to you and you guys are exclusive,

 

This won't do. I make it a point to NOT stay in touch with my

 

past Ex's. It's just not cool to the current GF. In your case,

 

it wouldn't be fair to you.[/color]

[Chris_T.]

Well, I am in the same situation only I am the ex in the equation. I broke up with my girl around 5 months ago and she started dating this other guy around 3 months ago. I have been having sex with her the whole time he's been in the picture. The guy is just a rebound, she feels nothing for him but likes that he's "nice" to her. I wasn't always so nice (but that's another story.) I actually feel bad for the guy, but I still love my ex and find it hard to walk away. She has told him she doesn't want to be exclusive, but I doubt she's told him she's been banging her ex BF.

 

My advice to you would be to get out before you get hurt.

[ziggue]

It sux when you want to start something new with someone but they are still not completely over their Ex.

 

You could ask her if she wants to start dating exclusively but I think she is not ready to do that yet. Starting a relationship in this kind of situation is hard. Especially when you are emotionally involved. I've been there twice and I can tell you. Agreeing with the other post they never work out.

 

You have to be honest with eachother about what type of relationship you both want or otherwise someone will get hurt.

 

If I were you I would just keep it casual. Hang out with her or whatever and check out what else is out there at the same time.

 

Good Luck. .

[Cecelius]

I would take it very easy right now. Basically I would steel myself for a few months.

 

If you are not exclusive (and it should be she bringing it up and ONLY she) then I would just make sure that you are not spending more time together with her than is appropriate, that you are having fun, make sure she is too, and then let the other thing just die its natural death.

 

I wouldn't talk to her about it at all yet.