Need help about boyfriend's ex-girlfriend

[SadAndLonely]

In a sort of dilemma here. I've been dating my boyfriend for seven months now. He's broken up with me three times because he wasn't sure if he wanted a girlfriend or not, but he always came back to me. The last time he broke up with me was about 3.5 months ago, and we got back together 2.5 months ago. For the most part things have been fine since then, but he hates Christmas (stress and nostalgia) and his job, so he's been testy lately.

 

Over the past week I've noticed he was acting weird. Last night I finally confronted him about it. He said he doesn't want to break up with me, but he feels like I love him more than he does me, and that he doesn't know what he wants. We talked about things, agreed that he's stressed and should just tell me if he needs time to himself more often, and we decided to stay together and just be more open and honest with each other and relax a bit. So although I'm scared because of the past breakups, I'm glad we could communicate about this. Toward the end of the night we were kissing, he got an erection, and he was grabbing my butt. So things seemed ok. When I got home, I went to bed, and 45 minutes later he called me just to make sure I got home alright (something he never does) and then just chatted with me for a bit. I know that his issues are NOT about me. He's just sort of a commitment-phobe, sort of scared about relationships, and hasn't had many, being that he's a geek. He would NEVER cheat on me, though.

 

Now here's the problem. Shortly after we got back together again, we went his friends' wedding. His ex-girlfriend was there with her husband, being that she's a friend of the groom. His ex-girlfriend broke up with him almost seven years ago for another guy, and, like I said, is now married. However, at the wedding they traded emails, and she's been emailing him several times a week ever since. From what I saw yesterday (I read one of her emails over his shoulder, and he didn't mind or try to stop me) she was just bitching about work and school, but she seems very fond of him. He wrote a short reply back, which was equally mundane, but I'm still really panicky over this. She was his first girlfriend (although I was his first lover), and it took him almost six months to get over him. I don't know why she has to email him so much, but it's making me freak. I've been insecure lately, and going off my anti-depressant very abruptly isn't helping.

 

I know I should trust him, as she treated him sort of badly while they were together, and he told me he has no interest in her, but I'm still really scared. To make things worse, her number was erased from his cell phone recently. I didn't do it, and I told him as much, but I'm wondering if he told her I did (I doubt it, though, but he may have), and if she's trying to turn him away from me now. I didn't see any mention of me, good or bad, in her email. At the wedding he talked to her and her husband for almost an hour, sort of ignoring me, so that's one more thing to add to it.

 

Combined with the whole "not sure/commitmentphobe" thing last night, despite us not breaking up, I'm really gunshy now. I really want to be confident and back off and make him miss me, but that's so hard when I'm freaking out. Someone please help.

[sean001]

Thanks for your post. I have two thoughts here. First, is that the REAL issue is in the first part of your post (about his concerns about the relationship -- you loving him more than he loves you, etc.). The second part -- and a lesser concern, but a more convenient scapegoat -- is the relationship with his ex girlfriend.

 

The main focus, for you, needs to be on the first part, not the second part. That will require some additional communication. Sometimes we go through phases in our relationships, but I think so long as he is committed to the RELATIONSHIP, then you can work through these issues. I would not tolerate another break up here -- that is too chaotic and unstable.

 

For the second part, I have some experience with this that I want to share. Should you be concerned about this situation? Yes and no. I have an ex girlfriend with whom I am friends with, although today I am more friends with her husband than with her (strange as that is). I have another ex girlfriend, a more signficant relationship, that ended seven years ago. With her, I cannot have a close and meaningful friendship. He may not know yet what kind of a relationship -- if any -- he can have with his ex. However, what I find encouraging here is that he has been very open with you about it. Sometimes exes come up in our lives unexpectedly and we find out that we have to internally resolve some "old" issues with the situation. Oftentimes, it can be very healthy and healing (and ultimately pave the way for more successful relationships in the future). If he is able to reach some kind of resolution with her (internally) that might be helpful in your current situation with him. I would be trusting here, offer to listen, and avoid opinions as much as possible. However, if it makes you uncomfortable, you need to state that as well, but in a caring way.

 

Good luck with everything, I'll be happy to talk with you further on this as I am currently going through the same thing with someone I am NOT yet in a serious relationship yet.

[TylerC]

I can see why you would be worried. I know I would if I was in your position.

 

However, I would suggest talking to him about this. Tell him you aren't exactly comfortable with him exchanging e-mails. He might offer to let you read them to ease your worry, or ask to read them so that you know there's nothing to worry about.

 

Either way, if he cares about you enough he will listen.

[SadAndLonely]

Thank you both for your advice. The truth as far as I know it is that she's happily married. My boyfriend has assured me that he has no interest in her nor she in him, and that he got over her seven years ago and doesn't think of her in that way anymore. Like I said, I only read one of her emails to him, I was standing behind him, and he knew it and didn't try to stop me nor was he bothered by it at all, so I don't think anything is going on. And the email wasn't about anything personal at all. It was just her venting about work and finals, like I do to friends of mine sometimes. My boyfriend tries to be friends with everyone, and is also still sort of friends with another ex-girlfriend, although this one was a brief relationship two years ago, and they still work for the same company, so it'd be stupid to not be friendly with her. He's just a friendly guy. It's the way he is.

 

I asked him last night if he'd let me read her emails to him, and he said I could if I wanted to. At that moment I realized how stupid I was being, and told him that I didn't need to, and trusted him. He's not the type to cheat, and he's very honest, even if it means hurting someone's feelings if necessary.