Guilt is starting to set in....

[roxy_silver16]

I was in a two year relationship that ended very badley. Within a month I was "dating" another guy, Jared.

 

When Jared and I were unnoficial, just hanging out- I had sex with my ex boyfriend one time. Jared never asked about it, didn't know about it, so I decided not to bring it up. I thought of the sex as a mistake and ended the contact with the ex.

 

Well October 31, about 3 weeks after Jared and I became official, I went to Madison for a huge Haloween bash. I went with all my girlfriends, ended up getting really tanked and I had a one night stand (sex) with a guy my friend Marla went to High School with. The girls that were with me know, but nobody else does. It has stayed a secret. At the time I didn't feel very bad because I barely remembered it, I had never cheated on anyone in my life, so I blocked it out. LIke I completely forgot it ever happened. I have also never denied something this serious either. It is very unlike me.

 

Jared and I are still dating, taking things slowly, and I am falling for him. I am almost over the bad break up with my ex, after counseling and just cutting him out of my life altogether and I am starting to get back to my normal self. Jared understood about the bad break up and has been very supportive.

 

I really like Jared and we have already had the talk about being serious and long term and not just a fun relationgship fling type deal. The only problem is that I feel so guilty now and can't get the Haloween incident off my mind. I know that I was vulnerable, weak, confused and jumped into a relationship really quick and that I was acting out. Plus alcohol doesn't mix with all of that. I know it will never happen again.

 

But I don't want to lose my bf. I am afraid if I bring it up after all this time he will end things. He has never cheated on a girl and said he would not tolerate a girl who did.

 

I guess just some point of views and opinions would be nice. I wish there was a way to make peace with what I did, forgive what happened and vow never to make the same mistake again without him knowing what happened?

 

I am also scared that this will resurface, because girls do gossip, and if he point blank asks me I can't lie. I can't lie to him.

[TylerC]

You need to tell him what happened.

 

Were you actually "going out" with him at the time?

 

Either way, let him know, it's better than him finding out from someone else.

[HokeyReligions]

You and Jared were an official couple when you went to the Halloween bash - but had you made a verbal and agreed upon commitment at that time to be exclusive? I'm a little confused. You were just hanging out like friends but not officially dating and you had just decided to date for real, or was it a firm commitment?

 

Alcohol can play a big part in a bad mistake. I think in you place I would wait until after the Holidays before saying anything and also talk with Jared some more about his feelings for you, and yours for him, and if you truly see a future together.

 

Also, get tested for STDs and tread carefully with Jared as far as sex is concerned. Once you have talked a bit and you are more confident in your relationship with him -- get his definition of cheating and what he might consider a bad mistake, I would come clean with him and vow not to get into a situation like that again where you drink too much.

 

If my husband did something like that I might be able to accept it and get past it -- not without some counseling though. If he actually had a sober affair, or was sober for a one night stand I don't think I could.

 

Thats just my take on the situation you described, you have to do what is best for you and for you and Jared as a couple. You have not been together too long and you both might be able to move past it.

 

How would you feel if the the situation were reversed? Try to get into how you would feel about it if Jared went out with some buddies a few weeks after becoming a couple and got drunk and had sex. How would you approach it with him? Would you want to work things out? Would you trust him if he promised to never get into that situation again? If he told you that your relationship was so new that when drunk he forgot the commitment and went with habit? (not saying that you, or he, are habitual one-night-drunken-stands, but the newness of the relationship might not have taken hold on the subconscious yet and it might be easy to forget under the influence of alcohol and old friends, that you had made a commitment.

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

I think this is a no brainer. You must be open and honest with your boyfriend. You both are becoming serious and he certainly has a right to know that when you were together you got drunk and slept with another guy. I am assuming you probably did not use protection so now you have put your boyfriend at risk also. I agree you need to be tested for STD's. You are correct that girls talk. Your boyfriend has a right to know and be able to decide how he wishes to proceed with the relationship and recovery. You are continuing to disrespect and humiliate him by keeping information he needs to know from him. You know what you need to do so do it. The longer you wait the more painful it will be for him when he finds out. If you really care for him and you are not just using him then you need to tell him the truth. I think you know this so do the right thing!

[very-confused-girl]

I have to disagree with all statements above. You shouldnt tell him about that or at least not in a near future. He is not so emotionally involved with you yet and therefore he could dump you. Let say if you are going to confess him what you did after 4 years in your relationship, he might be more tolerant to it because after 4 years he is going to be so emotionally involved with you that much that he is not going to dump you for something that you have done at the VERY START of your relationship.

 

I am not very big fan of cheating but I still think that cheating is more "acceptable" or understanding at the beginning of the relationship because people are not so in love yet. I can believe you wouldnt cheat on him after years and years of commited relationship.

 

My mother and my father have been going out together for 5 years before they got married and at early stage in their relationship my mother was cheating on him several times. She confessed after LONG LONG time and my father was OK with it cos he understands it happened at early stage before she even fell in love with him.

 

From my experience you might get higher chance that he is going to forgive you if you confess years later.

 

Or I would choose not to confess it at all. What would you gain? You have done something wrong and you have to live with that responsibility. What would you gain by confessing? Releieving yourself of the guilt? You would pass some baggage on him? Thats not that fair. First of all you have to forgive yourself. You have done wrong, but everyone can make a mistake.

 

Forgive yourself, bury it inside of you and get over it and if you still feel like confessing, do it but much later.

[Skii Donkey]

girls do not look at other men in a sexual way while dating your boyfirend it stops jealousy

 

SD

x

[Grinning Maniac]

Originally posted by very-confused-girl

I have to disagree with all statements above. You shouldnt tell him about that or at least not in a near future. He is not so emotionally involved with you yet and therefore he could dump you.

 

I really want you to explain this line of thought. I'm serious.

 

Yes, he could dump her. But bottom line, isn't that ultimately HIS choice to make? If he doesn't want to be with someone who has cheated on him, that's his call. Not hers. What gives her the right to hide it? The possibility that it might benefit her in the long run? I'm sure that treating him like a child is so worth it. In my opinion, her following your advice, and not telling him until she thinks he won't dump her is EXTREMELY disrespectful to him as a person, not to mention very manipulative.

 

Personally, I'd trust a woman LESS if she tried to hide something like that from me until I "fell for her". That's using a person's emotions against them. No two ways to look at it. If a person has any respect at all for someone they supposedly love, then they would be upfront with things ASAP and NOT when it's most convienient for THEM.

 

Let's get it together people.

[amerikajin]

This is one of those difficult gray areas.

 

Morally, yeah, I think you should tell the guy about it. Anyone would want to know if they've been cheated upon, I would think.

 

On the other hand, you're not standing in the position of the victim; you're the perpetrator of the offense. You have to speculate about how someone you genuinely like may react to a bad judgment call you made at the start of your relationship.

 

I don't know with 100 percent certainty what you should do, nor do I know 100 perent what I would do. I think your decision may ultimately come down to what kind of person your boyfriend is, and how you think he might react to hearing the news that you've cheated on him. Just about anyone who's been cheated upon will be sorely pissed off about it, but they'll handle it differently. Some will think nothing of it because they're doormats; some will get pissed off but try to work it out; and then some others will be so mad, so hurt that they won't possibly see any way of repairing the damage.

 

You have to decide how you're boyfriend is going to handle that news. If you conclude that he would walk, then you've got to decide how important he is to you, and whether you're going to do the right thing - which is to tell him, regardless of the costs to you - or if you're going to do the thing which appears to suit your best interests in the foreseeable future.

 

A tough call. Think about it carefully.

[sean001]

I agree with very-confused.

 

But I also think that you need to elaborate a bit on the whole "official" thing -- was this really "cheating"? Is it? I mean, you both established that you were *exclusive* before the Halloween incident?

 

If that was really cheating, then think carefully about your approach. I mean -- do you feel that because of this event that you are no longer "worthy" to be in this relationship? If that's how you truly feel, then tell Jared you're breaking up and tell him why.

[Grinning Maniac]

Originally posted by sean001

I agree with very-confused.

 

But I also think that you need to elaborate a bit on the whole "official" thing -- was this really "cheating"? Is it? I mean, you both established that you were *exclusive* before the Halloween incident?

 

I could go for some clarification on that as well, but as it seems that they were for all intents and purposes, boyfriend and girlfriend... I'll just go from there until I hear otherwise.

 

@sean,confused: Does it strike either of you as odd that you're basically advising this girl to continue on living a lie in this relationship? You're both welcome to your opinions, of course, but this just seems like an instinctively bad path to go down. That first time she slept with someone else and kept quiet about it, she and the now-bf weren't actually "together", so that's definately a grey area. Personally, I'd rather know than not know, but telling him or not was pretty much her business.

 

However, as far as this "Halloween incident" goes, it's FAR from being only her business. According to her, they were officially a couple at that time, so yeah...that's cheating. Duh. Let's not get into any Clinton-ish infidelity debates here.

 

I can see this potentially building a serious pattern of dishonesty in the relationship. Sleeping with someone else is a pretty big thing to keep hushed up about. Considering that, what other things in the future would be acceptable to convieniently "forget"?

 

Originally posted by sean001

I mean -- do you feel that because of this event that you are no longer "worthy" to be in this relationship? If that's how you truly feel, then tell Jared you're breaking up and tell him why.

 

I have a question. Why does that even matter? Wouldn't the more important issue be whether or not the boyfriend feels that she's "worthy" enough? When it comes right down to it, isn't it up to HIM whether or not he wants to stay with someone who cheated on him, regardless of how guilty she may feel about doing so? It seems like he made it clear to her beforehand that he would not tolerate cheating in a relationship, so that makes any excuse or justification she has irrelevant.

 

I can appreciate the fact that she cares for this guy and doesn't want to lose him, but the choice isn't even hers to make. Banging someone else isn't exactly a little white lie that you keep to yourself in a relationship. At least not if you respect the person that you're with, which I would assume she does, considering she claims to be "falling for him". Love and respect go hand-in-hand.

 

By keeping the fact that she cheated on him a secret, she is essentially saying that his opinion doesn't matter at all to her. She is saying that as far as she is concerned, he doesn't have the right to DECIDE who he wishes to be in a relationship with. Roxy, you messed up. If you feel genuinely bad about it, that's great. But the real test of how sorry you are about this, will be letting HIM make the choice whether or not to stay with you. That's a hard thing to do, I understand. But if you actually care about him, and not just about what *you* want...you'll tell him the truth.

 

Not four years from now... not next month... Tonight.

[very-confused-girl]

I know that hiding stuff is morally incorrect but I was trying to give her advice to do something that seemed to me more practical and I do base it on experience that happened in my life, not exactly to me but to my folks. Because my mother waited until my father fell into her and than cofessed. And my father said that if she had confessed a way earlie, he wouldnt have forgiven her.

 

But what could he do about it then? He was already married to her, so what? Is he going to dump her for something she did 6 years before they got married? No he is not going to dump her.

[Owl]

He won't be any less crushed if he finds out that she cheated on him four years from now or today. Trust me. Time does NOT make it seem like less of an issue...or make the pain of discovery less. Actually, it'll just prove to him that she CAN lie to him for years at a time, so then the trust will REALLY be destroyed.

 

I think its a lousy idea to wait four years for him to find out...then he really DOESN'T know what he's getting into when he gets married, does he? And would he dump her for something that happened WHILE THEY WERE DATING BEFORE MARRIAGE....VERY POSSIBLY.

 

Tell him...so that you can continue on building the relationship you've got with the truth out in the open...so you don't have to learn to build your relationship with him while lying and holding out on him. If he DOES love you, and honor you and want to keep you, he'll work with you to build a strong healthy relationship. If not, you probably would be better off without him anyway.

[Grinning Maniac]

Originally posted by Owl

He won't be any less crushed if he finds out that she cheated on him four years from now or today. Trust me. Time does NOT make it seem like less of an issue...or make the pain of discovery less. Actually, it'll just prove to him that she CAN lie to him for years at a time, so then the trust will REALLY be destroyed.

 

Precisely. I would trust a woman even LESS if she "came clean" to me years after the fact instead of telling me right away. That's not even really coming clean at all! That's waiting until you think it will be a good time to confess as far as it benefits YOU. How in the hell could you ever trust a woman who could lie to you for years? This is just my opinion, confused-girl, but your dad sounds like a bit of a pushover. Any real man would be out of that situation quickly. As far as what your mom did....um...yeah. Damn. The idea of your *wife*, the person you're supposed to trust above all others, lying to you for FOUR YEARS until you're STUCK in a marriage and wouldn't be able to leave easily even if you WANTED to is just unexcusable and downright manipulative. Aside from the fact that you'll always be wondering what new "revelations" are around the corner another four or five years down the line, how can anyone even condone that? How can you justify keeping a secret from someone for years and years, until you feel like you'll have the least to lose from coming forward about it. That's kind of sick. I can see the reasoning of "I don't want to lose them" but at the very core of things, it's extremely selfish and inconsiderate of that person's feelings.

 

Originally posted by Owl

I think its a lousy idea to wait four years for him to find out...then he really DOESN'T know what he's getting into when he gets married, does he? And would he dump her for something that happened WHILE THEY WERE DATING BEFORE MARRIAGE....VERY POSSIBLY.

 

Damn right. If that ever happened to me, the woman would be getting her walking papers that NIGHT. That is the worst kind of false-advertising I can think of. I mean really. What kind of trap-door spider trickery is that? You go through the entire marriage thinking you have a lovely wife then...OOPS. Didn't get to read that fine print... In all honesty, it pretty much makes the entire marriage up to that point a LIE. Confused, you seem to have had some bad role models... I really don't think people normally find that sort of thing acceptable, or even generous. I'm not trying to knock your family. I would say this about ANYONE doing that to another person. That's not just morally wrong, it's logically wrong. A person keeping lies from someone for years and years is not trying to protect the feelings of the person they lied to. That's a smoke-screen and they know it. In reality, they're just afraid of facing the music for what they've done and possibly getting dumped, and don't they respect the person they're with enough to let them make the decision that is rightfully theirs to make. After finding out the truth, it's up to the person who's been cheated on...not the cheater, to decide if the relationship continues. Denying someone such a simple thing is basically saying that their feelings are irrelevant in the relationship and things are only about you.

[very-confused-girl]

I see the point you say and kinda feel ashamed but in the end of the day, where is written what set of rules people should have? Morality is subjective thing which depends on culture, generation and lots of different things.

 

If I put myself into roxy-silvers shoes I would be extremely afraid that he could dump me for what I did. And by not confessing I would kind of make the period of potential dumping longer. That´s funny how survival instincts sometimes work.

[Owl]

And if I were in here BF/Husband's shoes, I'd be so angry and hurt at the lies and deception that I'd likely never forgive her.

 

My wife was involved in an emotional affair several months ago. It never got physical, simply because he lives on the other side of the US. It's over, but let me tell you the damage that the lies have done to our marriage was hell to recover...and honestly, the damage that she did to me personally with this is still there, and will likely be for a very long time.

 

Roxy- Either be honest with him, or leave him. Its that simple. Anything else is straight disrespect and un-loving. Not to mention manipulative.

[sean001]

Hey Roxy, I'm just curious -- you have not elaborated yet whether you were both *exclusive* when this incident happened? So.... were you?

[Max Zoom]

Oh, Max's God! Max cannot believe all of this support for manipulation and deception. You cheated on your boyfriend. Tell him . Your guilt will be gone and so will he. Now move on to a new relationship with a lesson learned and hopefully a newer and more durable coat of integrity.

 

And by the way, that "I was was drunk, bullshyte....", stop, please.

[Cecelius]

Posts like very-confused-girl's, as I have said, make me realize that the most important thing to get accross to a mate (potential or established) is that the power to walk away always exists, dating 2 days or married 2 decades. It also shows that avoiding long term committment, financial and emtional dependence as long as possible is in everyone's interests.

 

To the original poster, generally in life with HUGE lies there is a strong temptation to hide them because the consequenses may be high. But frankly, I agree with all the above posters: your b/f deserves the best treatment and you've already denied him that by sleeping around on him. Should you add to it by keeping it a secret?

 

More practically, I cannot tell exactly how old you are or what your circles are but this story WILL get out (whether from your friends or the other guy). Your b/f (who has a right to know consequenses or not) may not dump you if you tell him, but if he starts hearing people talk, you will absolutely be done (and the one person whose opinion you should value will value you even less).

 

Get your opinions straight (did you really think you were exclusive with him -- when was the compact, implicit or express, made), explain to him that you have begun to feel very strongly for him and wanted to be honest with him. Let him know that you got drunk (its not an excuse but it is a factor) and you let this happen.