Am I interpreting her signals correctly?

[InsideOut]

Hi all:

 

Thank you for offering all the great suggestions. I've been reading the posts for a while now, and they're very informative. My story is rather long so I apologize. However, I'd be most appreciative if I can get a perspective (perferrably a female one) on my situation:

 

I've just completed a five-week mentorship program with a great lady. She's 25 and I'm 28. She's such an awesome person, and I definitely would've asked her out right away if I wasn't her teacher. I befriended her anyways, and it's worked to be a blessing as we get along soooo great! We have RIDICULOUSLY so much in common -- interests, dislikes, family background, beliefs, etc. I see a lot of her as me, and she's said the same. Clearly she has been very comfortable around me as we've talked about "everything under the sun" in the office -- for up to four hours after work -- on several occasions! We give shots and tease the heck out of each other.

 

She told me that she was single; she never mentioned a boyfriend. Also, she maintains eye-contact, smiles and laughs with me ALL of the time, and frequently touched me on the arm. However, I found that I sensed some nervousness in her whenever I placed my hand on her shoulder or gave her a hug.

 

The program ended last week, and I want to ask her out on a date to let her know that I want to further build this relationship. Our next chat was at a coffee shop, and she interestingly began the chat about dating and relationships! She was very impressed with my confidence on the dance floor (we went clubbing last Friday), my common sense about the dating game, and my knowledge on how to sustain a relationship. She was comfortable enough to tell me that she was kind of seeing a guy for two years, and that the relationship has become very stale. I thought that she earlier made it clear to me that she was single! (This guy was her friend who persistently expressed his true feelings for her, despite her telling him that they're just friends! He was convincing enough that she eventually believed him.) She is also a firm believer that the guy takes charge in planning dates, and this guy hasn't done so in a while. She seemed pretty pessimistic about this future.

 

About her, I learned that she's been in only one relationship (from high school) which she'd rather forget about. Also, she confided that she's been on only a handful of dates, and she's dated each guy only once! This guy she's been "seeing" is the only guy she's been with. In fact, she even introduced me to this guy as "her friend" at the club last Friday, and I didn't even pick up any signs that they were together! (She dragged him out because he was leaving town the next day. They didn't really dance together, no friendly touching or holding hands; he lived downtown, and she still took a cab home across the city at 4 a.m.) She asked me whether or not I'm seeing any girls, she told me that I'm a great young man, and she told me that I'll definitely get married one day.

 

As we continued to chat, we learned that we have the same ideals about what we're looking for in a partner, what marriage is about, raising children, etc. We plan on meeting up again this week, and she offered me a handshake as we parted for the day!

 

I learned that we share even more core qualities and values, and she is truthfully the best person that I know. This is why I'm sad as I believe that she gave me signals that she's not romantically interested: she brought up the relationship with this guy, and she doesn't respond well to my touching (hugs, tap on the arm at five weeks into our friendship); heck, she shook my hand! Everything was fabulous up to last Friday! However, she has bought me thoughtful, expensive Christmas presents which I don't think she would if she didn't like me. I now know something about her past in terms of (the inexperience in) romantic relationships.

 

My questions are these: am I right in believing that (1) she made herself available to me for dating as she's been "just seeing" some guy that she's not too happy with (she made it clear that this guy is not her boyfriend); or (2) does she simply want to just be friends with me, or is she testing me, or did I miss something obvious?

 

Thank you for your time and attention.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Its a tough call. The best way to go about it though, is to be simple and direct. If you want to be romantically involved with this woman, then tell her in no uncertain terms. Let her know that you find her attractive, and that she sums up what you are looking for in a romantic relationship. Then ask her if that is a possibility. Hopefully she wasn't just downplaying an otherwise serious relationship for your benefit, and she will be available to see you romantically. Put it this way: it can't hurt to ask. That way you know for sure, and it can either end or keep going the way that you want.

[sean001]

I don't know the details of the whole mentor/mentee relationship, but let me ask you first if there are any "rules" about that. I mean -- sometimes we step into professional relationships as a separate entity and have a "no date" rule for people we meet there. You should try to find out if she feels that way. I don't know if you two are going to be working together in some form, but that could be an issue and it would be inappropriate for you to hug her or touch her under those circumstances.

 

She seems like a good enough person where you could have this conversation. She already told you that she does not take the initiative with planning dates - that means it is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to ask her out. Personally, I don't really go for that kind of game playing, but if that's your bag go with it.

 

Generally speaking, if I'm feeling it for somebody then usually she is too when there is this level of interaction. My guess is that she is interested, but you still have to find out about those professional relationship issues and ask her about her situation. She obviously has some core values and you need to make sure that you are not violating any of them (including respect for her current "dating" situation). Just because she likes and respects you does not mean she will date you.

 

I really see two ways to go here:

 

First is the direct approach -- sit down and have a very professional and cordial discussion about it. Make it simple and easy -- no pressure. Make it clear that you think she is a great person and that nothing will ever change, but you would like to take her on a romantic date. Make it very easy for her to say no.

 

Second, you can continue on as you are -- slowly and easily -- by spending some time with her. Go out and do non-romantic things. At some point, indirectly and casually mention something like "I just heard about this great restaurant, you want to go Wednesday night?" If she doesn't want to go, that could be a sign. If she says no, don't make it a big deal (like say, "well I'll see if another one of my friends can make it then.") Time should probably give you the answer. I think timing would be important here.