My wife hates my best friend, but I just can't give her up

[jason87]

I have a problem. I am a 27 year old male and I am married to a woman that is totally different from the woman I first married. My wife hates my best friend. I know people say that your spouse is supposed to be the most important person in yoru life, but well, she's not. I don't want to choose.

 

My best friend, who's female, her name is Juliana, has been with me all our lives. We were born on the same day. Our mothers were roomates in the maternity ward. We grew up together and my parents took care of her when her parents were away, and the other way around. So basically she's been my sister. I love her very much and we are closer tha two peas in a pod, but I am not in love with her. She has been there for me through every hardship of my life and has always been my closest confidant.

 

I love my wife, Rachel, but she cannot stand Juliana. I told Rachel in the beginning that in order to be with me, she had to accept Jules, which she did. Or at least pretended to. Now Jules has been in a car accident and needs someone to take care of her and I said I'm going to do it, but this doesn't sit very well with Rachel. I cannot stand Rachel's jealousy and Jules has been nothing but kind to her. She knows when to step aside but still Rachel doesn't like her. I will not stop being close to Juliana; she's like my sister.

 

They say when you get married, you marry each other's family too. Does Juliana count? She does to me. Juliana adores Rachel and Rachel used to like her, but I don't know what happened. Like I said before, I don't want to choose, but if i do have to, it's Jules that I will pick. She's my best friend. You can't erase 27 years of being soul mates. Me and my wife have been married almost 4 years. I can't force Rachel to accept Juliana, but I've been trying to get her to like her. Now Juliana needs me and I need to be there for her. This is frustrating. Any input, anyone?

[quankanne]

that's a hard decision, trying to be a good friend while being loyal to your wife. you need to really think things through before you make a final decision. something tells me that Juliana (lovely name, that was my granny's name) would encourage you to stand by your wife because she loves you that much to not want to see you hurt your marriage. that same something tells me that your wife will never ever understand your relationship with Juliana, or that she would hesitate to make you pay for choosing your friend over her.

 

it boils down to this: is your marriage strong enough to survive any fallout from a decision to care for your friend? do you care enough about that marriage to step back from your desire to help your friend? if you feel torn, is there any compromise on a course of action that will satisfy both you and your wife? remember, compromise isn't giving in, but choosing a course of action that allows all parties to feel comfortable or happy.

[SoleMate]

This is a very sad situation. I understand your closeness to Juliana - I think. And it appears that your wife is jealous. Formerly, she either was less jealous or appeared less jealous - we can't be sure which. You think your wife pretended to accept Juliana. That's possible. It's also possible that your wife truly was accepting of your close friendship, until the course of events made her believe that your relationship with Juliana was an actual threat to your marriage. Which I think it has become - or maybe always has been.

 

You say that Juliana is like a sister. I accept that. We can count her as a blood relation for the purposes of this thread. Did you know that even if she were your blood sister, even your TWIN, that your wife should STILL come first? That's no doubt what your wife expected when she married you.

 

It's not uncommon for a close attachment to a blood relative to cause problems in a marriage. In fact, in-laws are usually on the top three list of reasons why marriages break up. Some adults have trouble separating from their mothers, which prevents formation of a full, healthy pair bond, and you can read several such stories on Loveshack. Even if your relationship is PURELY platonic, always has been, and always will be, you can't have a great marriage when your wife is #2.

 

As a possible compromise, I suggest asking Rachel to take a lead role in caring for Juliana. If Juliana is family, then this makes a lot of sense, and it would forestall the problems of you having a lead role. This suggestion may work - or you may get your ear chewed off for even bringing it up. I imagine Rachel is not a fool, and she understands that when push comes to shove, you'll push HER off the bench and stay there with your sister/soulmate.

 

The more likely, and more compassionate, solution may be to realize that this marriage was founded on a false premise, and terminate it for cause.

[indigo_moon]

You mentioned Juliana was in a car accident and needs someone to take care of her.

 

1) does she have NOBODY else to help her? Why must it be you?

 

2) what kind of care does she need? Is she bedridden? Someone to get her mail, groceries, etc or physical care? Is she at home or in hospital?

 

3) Have you *truly* always thought of her as a sister, and no stronger feelings than that? I ask because you mentioned that you believe you're soulmates..plus also the fact that you'd easily choose Juliana over your wife, if you have to choose. Do you ever deep down wish you'd married her instead of your wife? Be honest with yourself when answering this.

[ziggue]

Maybe Rachael feels that Julianna will end up being too dependent on you and she may feel that might interfere with the marriage.

 

I'm guessing Julianna is single?

 

I wonder why you never marriedl Julianna if you always thought of her as your soul mate.

 

I wonder who you would go to if both Rachael and Julianna were in a car accident together and both needed to be taken care of in their own homes.

 

I understand your relationship with Julianna but I understand why your wife would be thinking the way she does too.

[jellybean]

Wow, what a friendship! I have NEVER heard of such a strong bond between a man and a woman, unless they were married or blood-related.

 

What bothers me is when you say this :

 

I don't want to choose, but if i do have to, it's Jules that I that I will pick. She's my best friend. You can't erase 27 years of being soul mates.

 

Soul mates???...'soul mate' is a term used when describing the love of your life.

 

Jason, you're married now...your wife should come first. I can't believe you view this situation as a kind of 'who do I wanna choose to be friends with' - how highschool!

 

I think your wife is jealous and upset, and you are responsible for planting that seed.

 

If the car accident has left Juliana totally incapacitated, then rest assured she will be receiving the best of help - with or without you. I think you're just using that as an excuse to not be home with your wife. I think there's other issues going on in your marriage.

 

Yes, you're a great friend but you're not a very devoted husband.

[Mr Spock]

Originally posted by jason87

I have a problem. I am a 27 year old male and I am married to a woman that is totally different from the woman I first married. My wife hates my best friend. I know people say that your spouse is supposed to be the most important person in yoru life, but well, she's not. I don't want to choose.

 

My best friend, who's female, her name is Juliana, has been with me all our lives. We were born on the same day. Our mothers were roomates in the maternity ward. We grew up together and my parents took care of her when her parents were away, and the other way around. So basically she's been my sister. I love her very much and we are closer tha two peas in a pod, but I am not in love with her. She has been there for me through every hardship of my life and has always been my closest confidant.

 

I love my wife, Rachel, but she cannot stand Juliana. I told Rachel in the beginning that in order to be with me, she had to accept Jules, which she did. Or at least pretended to. Now Jules has been in a car accident and needs someone to take care of her and I said I'm going to do it, but this doesn't sit very well with Rachel. I cannot stand Rachel's jealousy and Jules has been nothing but kind to her. She knows when to step aside but still Rachel doesn't like her. I will not stop being close to Juliana; she's like my sister.

 

They say when you get married, you marry each other's family too. Does Juliana count? She does to me. Juliana adores Rachel and Rachel used to like her, but I don't know what happened. Like I said before, I don't want to choose, but if i do have to, it's Jules that I will pick. She's my best friend. You can't erase 27 years of being soul mates. Me and my wife have been married almost 4 years. I can't force Rachel to accept Juliana, but I've been trying to get her to like her. Now Juliana needs me and I need to be there for her. This is frustrating. Any input, anyone?

 

So have you EVER porked her? At all?

 

I think that you are f*cked in the head. What are you now, will and grace? You MARRIED the girl. And all of a sudden she's not the woman you married because she won't accept the fact that you love someone else? If Juliana REALLY was your friend she'd back right off if she knew she was causing problems in your marriage. The fact that she's not proves she's a trouble maker-car accident notwithstanding.

 

Have you not watched my best friend's wedding?

 

I hope your wife dumps your ass so you can devote all of your time to your platonic friendship.

[jason87]

When me and Rachel first started to date, she knew how close me and Jules was. When we got married, she said that she fully accepted it. Now that's changed. It's not like I ignore her and spend all my time with my best friend. It's not like that, but now that she really needs me, my wife dosnt like it. But Juliana is more than just a "friend." She's like my sister without the blood. Lots of people don't understand the relationship me and Jules have. I mean, our moms were roomates in the hospital. We were born on the same day. We were raised together. That doesn't happen to everyone.

 

I don't know if my marriage is strong enough. I used to think it did. Now Rachel is just PMSing and she's taking it out on Jules, who did nothing to her. She has never been anything but nice to her and accepting and encouraging of our relationship. I don't see why I should stop wanting to help her just because Rachel is jealous. I don't think me and Jules being best friends is a threat to my marriage. I love Rachel and she knows that. I'm also very romantic and affectionate. I know how to split my time between them.

 

And my and Juliana's relation is platonic. I love her, but I'm not in love with her. I know the difference. But Jules has been there for me through everything, good and bad so I see no reason why I can't be there for her. I've known her for 27 years. I just can't erase that because, well, she shaped who I am. Everyone in my family did. And the same goes for her.

 

The suggestion of Rachel helping me take care of Juliana sounds excellent, though she might not go for it. And also, if 2 people are helping, Jules might feel like an invalid. The car accident broke one ankle and fractured one leg. She's still pretty weak. But she's always been independent. But if I tell her what's up, she definately will encourage it. That's just her.

 

When I say that Jules is my soul mate, I do believe it. I don't believe that your soulmate necesseriy has to be your husband/wife. It's just the person that fills the other half of your soul. It can be a best friend, a sibling, or spouse. I don't want to divorce my wife, though. Aside from Jules, she's the person I'm closest to, even though I don't want to say that she's 2nd in my life.

 

I will admit this, before I met Rachel, the relationship between Juliana and I had been really weird. We were practically married, but without the kissing and sex. We were very affectionate. We still are, but not as much. We still hug and cuddle (if its necessary, like if she's depressed) but nothing sexual. As teenagers, when we slept over at each other's house, we used to share a bed, fully clothed of course, and nothing sexual. But those days are gone.

 

Rachel knows how my relationship with Jules was and how it is now. I have never given her any reason not to trust me. Juliana has never given her any reason not to trust her. I don't wish to have married Jules instead of Rachel. We are close, but never anything sexual.

 

Yes, Juliana is single.

And if both of Rachel and Juliana were in a car accident, I would bring Juliana over to my home, if both of them were okay with it.

 

Lots of people don't believe that a man and a woman can "just be friends." Well I do, but in this case, it's just a bit unusual. And people might think that Jules is causing trouble, but she's not. We have mellowed down alot but I can't just stop everything. That would be like stopping from giving my mother a kiss when I go see her or my brother a hug when I see him. Just because I'm affectionate with her doesn't mean that I love my wife any less. I'd say its a lifelong habit.

[Naive]

If at one point you and Julianna were like a married couple (minus the sex) then she cannot be like your sister because I would not act like that with my brother. I think you have deeper feelings for your best-friend than you are willing to accept. I really don't think that your love for your wife is as strong and real as it should b and that is unfair for her!! Maybe you have to analyze what your feelings for both are.

[quankanne]

I don't want to divorce my wife, though. Aside from Jules, she's the person I'm closest to, even though I don't want to say that she's 2nd in my life.

 

sounds like a case of split loyalty, and your wife needs to know that your loyalty lies with her as fully or completely as it does Juliana's. Once she's secure in that knowlege, she'll probably calm down someo about the whole "I need to help her" bit you are insisting on. At this point, you really, really need to reassure your wife that you are committed to her -- I think J doesn't have any doubts about your loyalty because she's known you all your lives, but your wife is a relative newcomer.

 

When I say that Jules is my soul mate, I do believe it. I don't believe that your soulmate necessarily has to be your husband/wife. It's just the person that fills the other half of your soul. It can be a best friend, a sibling, or spouse.

 

I don't think a spouse automatically becomes your soul mate because that's the way it's supposed to be. I love my husband, but he's definitely not my "soul mate" -- or the person who knows me better than I know myself and completes me. Nope, those are both my best friends, who have seen me through some good times and bad times in my life. That doesn't mean I love my husband any less than them, the relationship is different. And yeah, I firmly agree that a man and a woman can love each other and complement each other but not necessarily in a BF/GF kind of way, it's a whole other realm beyond a "significant other" kind of thing.

 

back to your initial query, Jason: You know that J would appreciate your help, but to what degree do you need to be involved? Move in with her and be there 24/7? stop in and check on her daily and take care of anything that needs to be done? write or call her to cheer her up? stop in every so often to help? Of these, which do you feel your wife would be most comfortable with? can she join you when you do go help your friend?

 

you really need to include her in your relationship with Juliana, otherwise she's going to feel like an outsider. My husband knows that I love Ralph (best friend) very much, that he's the brother I am meant to have, so he's okay whenever i'd tell him I'm going to visit the guy, even before R. got married!

 

Ralph's wife also has been very understanding of our relationship, so much so that she'll give us the opportunity to spend time together if we need our quality "sibling" time! neither of our spouses feel threatened by our friendship because we have always presented it as just that: a friendship bordering on a sibling relationship.

 

I don't think your wife has had the opportunity to move past any jealousy or insecurity that may linger, and you telling her that your friend comes first every time doesn't help the situation. again, you're going to need to decide what's more important: working on the trust issue in your marriage, or putting your wife's feelings aside so that you can tend to Jules. As I've said before, I think your friend cares for you enough to tell you to put your wife first; you need to decide that for yourself now.

[indigo_moon]

Originally posted by jason87

When me and Rachel first started to date, she knew how close me and Jules was. When we got married, she said that she fully accepted it. Now that's changed.

 

Well of course she's changed, and of course when you both got married she said (and likely meant sincerely) that she'd accept your closeness with Juliana.....but it's only realistic to think that she felt that once you 2 got married, you and she would develop an equally as special "closeness"....and that she wouldn't feel in competition with Juliana. A spouse is supposed to be the #1 person in your life and your true best friend......otherwise if they're not, why would you marry them?

 

Personally, from reading your posts here, I feel you have an unhealthy, very emotionally dependent relationship with Juliana. You try to justify it by reminding us again that you share the same birthdate, your moms were roommates in the hospital, you grew up together...............but you refer to her as your "best friend" and soulmate.......you speak about an unsually close relationship you've shared with her over the years.......from remaining "cuddly", that you'd stay over at each other's place while teenagers and slept in the same bed (sorry but teenage brothers and sisters do NOT do this) ....you ever described your relationship back then as being "like we were married but without the sex."

 

Sorry but you seem very dependent on Juliana for happiness in life, and maybe she's as dependent on you, too, I don't know. What you describe is not even close to a typical brother-sister relationship/dynamic........it's not even this way for twins (who are both of different gender).

 

You are not her keeper, her father, her husband or her boyfriend or her caretaker. It's unfortunate she was in a car accident and sustained a fractured ankle and leg but you are not her nurse-mate. It's not like she's in a coma or is critically ill. People get by just fine (particularly at a young age like this) each and ever day, recovering from broken bones. What kind of help do you have to give her? Were you talking about spending hours at her home each week to help her out? Moving in temporarily?

 

No offense but I think you need some counselling - marriage counselling - or else you're going to lose your wife/marriage. You need to learn what normal boundaries are.....and maintaining those within a marriage.

 

You answered someone's question about who you'd choose if both of them were in an accident ...and you admitted that you'd just have Juliana come live with you and your wife so that you could care for both. Sorry buddy but this is not normal or of a healthy mindset. Juliana is 27 yrs old...old enough to have a boyfriend or husband.........or friends, or family other than you to help her out.

 

A spouse should love their partner so much that they'd be willing to lay their life on the line for them.......but I bet that if you were ever in a situation where you had to choose between giving your life for your wife or J, you'd have a really difficult decision and would possibly choose J, under the guise of "we've known each other for 27 yrs, we were born on the same day, bla bla bla....."

 

I feel very badly for your wife. You're putting her into a position where she's not feeling like the #1 woman in your life, and that's wrong. You keep telling us how J is so nice to her ....well of course she SHOULD be, it's not like that's some kind of big sacrifice on J's part or do you feel it is?? I suspect J is as "needy" as you are for if she wasn't, she would make her presence less known and she wouldn't even DREAM Of allowing you to take care of her, knowing the friction and tension your relationship with her is creating in your marriage.

 

You are going to drive your wife away. Please get some counselling because what you have here is just not healthy or normal, and surely not healthy to maintaining a marriage that's going to last.

 

 

EDIT: I find it interesting that you chose to post this in the "Other Woman/Other Man" forum. Hmmm.

[jason87]

I'm not IN love with Juliana, I know that much, though I do love her. I know our relationship is not your everday situation, but we're working on it. We have been wokring on it. And I do love my wife, she knows that. And I tell her that every day. It wasn't until recently she started acting jealous. I don't ignore my wife and tend to Jules for every call she makes. She does have friends.

 

Nothing has changed since me and Rachel got together, so I see no reason for her jealousy. Me and Jules are a packaged deal and it's has been great so far, till now. We are not dependent on each other like we were before and Rachel knows that. After all, I did marry her. and like I said, Juliana knows when to step aside. She even knows that our relationship is a bit unusual, but nobody in our families see anything wrong with that.

 

Rachel knows that I am loyal to her. I never cheated on her, I always show affection. I tell her I love her everyday and I do mean it. Me and Jules are not attached at the hip, anymore. We both have our seperate lives but we're still best friends. We still call each other every day and see each other often. And Rachel is included in most of our activities, so its not like we shut her out. It's not like I spend half my nights at her place but I am over when she really, really needs it. With Rachel's knowledge. She even comes with me at times. Jules and I spend alot of time together by ourselves, too. We alwasy have. But nothing romantic or sexual. Rachel knows that I am fully committed to her. I tell her that, Jules tells her that. Even my family does. That is why I don't see what the problem is.

 

I was thinking on temporarily moving in with Jules, but I guess that's not such a good idea. She lives like 10 minutes from me driving, so I guess I can check up on her daily or something. Her brother and I are making the place more easily accessible for her since I'm not going to be staying there.

 

I see no reason for Rachel not to trust me. And I try to communite with her as much as I can, but she still isn't happy about the idea of me going over there to help Jules out. I don't get it. It's like it came out of nowhere. Unless she heard something from someone that made her suspicious, but I don't know what it could have been. Sure, me and Jules are affectionate. She's affectionate with everyone. But I guess sometimes it makes Rach uncomfortable. I'll talk to her about that.

 

And no, I don't feel that Jules being nice to Rachel is a sacrifice. Theres no reason for Rachel to be threatened. She's always known that Jules is an important part of my life. Jules and I don't depend on each other for happiness, but we do know that the other did help shape who we are today. And I don't see why Jules shouldn't want me to help take care of her. We've done it all our lives.

 

I think my marriage is fine. And I think once Juliana gets better, Rachel will ease up a bit. But for now, she's not. And she does need me. She doesn't have a significant other to help her out. He parents live out of state. A brother of hers live near, but he still has his life. I live closer, too. But I don't want to leave her alone for too long in case she falls or something. Thats why my initial thought was to stay with her temporarily. Which I still think is a good idea. If I wasn't married, she'd have done the same for me. And she's not married, so I should do it for her.

 

As I said before, she has friends, but we're closer. I even told Rachel and Jules that Rachel can come with me and help out. Juliana was happy about that, Rachel didn't say anything. So I'm waiting for an answer. And I am trying.

[whichwayisup]

Just a question but if the situation was reversed how would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot? Wouldn't you be jealous? Hurt, feeling insecure, not good enough? I'm sure your wife feels second fiddle to this other woman. Here's a senario...Something happens and they both NEED you asap at the exact time! Who gets your attention and help? How do you choose?

 

There is no problem with being friends with somebody when you're married, especially since you both have known eachother forever...But when it interfers with the marriage, then it is a huge problem. Your soulmate friend SHOULD KNOW she comes second to your wife and she needs to realize that, accept that and so should you. Seems you're more worried about her than your wife. Just doesn't seem right or fair. THe package deal is BS, even a bro/sis knows no matter how close they are that the spouses come first most of the time.

 

There is a line and it is being crossed no matter how you and your wife have discussed this - Maybe really understand where your wife is coming from on this one. You think honestly you would NOT be hurt or jealous if your wife and a close male friend spent so much time together, talking and being emotionally close? Relied on him for more than you? Be honest and dig deep. Friends are friends and honestly it sounds like you and this woman will eventually get together, just a matter of time. Being affectionate is inapproapriate and you know it! Would you cuddle and hold this woman infront of your wife? NO, ofcourse not beacuse you know it would hurt her. SO why do it when deep down you know it is just plain wrong? Make a choice because sooner or later your wife will. Can be sure of that.

 

Just my 02 here from where I sit and what I got out of your posts.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Originally posted by jason87

I told Rachel in the beginning that in order to be with me, she had to accept Jules, which she did. Or at least pretended to.

 

I don't expect your wife was sincere about it. She said that because she knew if she didn't, you wouldn't marry her. I don't feel sorry for your wife. You were honest with her, and she knew what she was getting into and if she is upset about anything, it is her inability to force you to give up Juliana after you were married. Maybe she thought that being married would "magically" make your feelings for Juliana disappear or by some miracle of relationship osmosis, your feelings for Juliana would transfer automatically to her. Maybe she thought she could manipulate or control you and force you to give Juliana up over time.

 

You two need to have marriage counseling, if you intend to stay married. Your wife will need to come to terms with your relationship with Juliana - she accepted it when she married you - she may have lied about it, but she accepted it nonetheless, she needs to follow through now if she intends to stay married to you. You will need to reassure your wife that you married her. Not Juliana. Maybe your wife will eventually come to terms with the fact that you love her and married her. She will need to understand though, that she cannot replace or end your friendship with Juliana. When it comes right down to it though, I don't see this one ending on a good note.

 

You may find through counseling, that the relationship you have with Juliana and the relationship you have with Rachel cannot coexist. Then you'll have a tough decision. Give up your lifelong friend, or give up your wife of 4 years?

 

Take a good long look at the rest of your life, and think hard about which one would cause you the most pain to live without...

[SoleMate]

I don't think me and Jules being best friends is a threat to my marriage.

That's good. And how does your WIFE feel? In marriage, you should take your partner's feelimgs and preferences into account every bit as much as your own.

 

You say over and over again that YOU don't see a problem, so there is no problem. But I'm telling you that since you are married, if your spouse sees a problem, there IS a problem.

 

I see no reason for Rachel not to trust me.

She does see a reason, and that's what counts. She is learning that she really is #2 in your heart, and that's a very harsh lesson to be swallowing. I sure couldn't handle it.

 

I think my marriage is fine.

We hear so much about your "reasonable" thoughts, and how they define the reality of your marriage. Where is Rachel's voice? Does she have any power in your marriage? I am beginning to guess that she is not an assertive person with a lot of self-confidence, or she would never have agreed to this setup.

 

You say your wife is unreasonably jealous. I say that whether her reaction is reasonable or not according to some independent standard (I happen to think it is), it is her feeling. Your wife's authentic feeling is one of anxiety, resentment, and pain about being less important to you than she wants to be. About not being treated with the respect that would cause you to put her #1.

 

Can you really be so cavalier and so callous about your wife's pain? She may put up with it, but I can guarantee you that some scar tissue will be forming in her heart, and a little part of her love for you will start to die.

[indigo_moon]

Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia

I don't expect your wife was sincere about it. She said that because she knew if she didn't, you wouldn't marry her. I don't feel sorry for your wife. You were honest with her, and she knew what she was getting into and if she is upset about anything, it is her inability to force you to give up Juliana after you were married. Maybe she thought that being married would "magically" make your feelings for Juliana disappear or by some miracle of relationship osmosis, your feelings for Juliana would transfer automatically to her. Maybe she thought she could manipulate or control you and force you to give Juliana up over time.

 

 

I think this is a very lofty assumption. It's entirely possible that she WAS very sincere..but once married, expected as any SPOUSE would ,to feel she was his #1 girl....and his best friend (which he clearly indicates she's not, J is).....and that their relationship as husband and wife would take on a whole lot more meaning and closeness.......and not that J wouldn't still be in the picture, but that as his WIFE, she'd not feel 2nd fiddle to J.

 

It's no different than a woman dating a guy who's a Mama's boy........but realistically expecting that once they being THEIR life together as husband and wife, that SHE will become the #1 woman in his life...the one he turns to, as a husband should, instead of to Mommy....cut the apron strings.

 

What they have is not a health brother-sister relationship. Even teenage siblings, true siblings, they don't have sleepovers and sleep in the same bed as he stated they used to............that just shows the degree of unnatural/unhealthy "bond" here............he even admitted that in the past, they were like husband and wife without the sex. That is an odd remark for someone to make if he TRULY thinks the relationship is similar to that of a "brother-sister"............

 

If I were his wife, I'd just cut the ties and leave because it's more than clear here that he doesn't see things from his wife's perspective...he feels very justified in this unhealthy relationship / dependence on/with J..........and he's adamant that if push came to shove, he'd choose J over his wife. So what he's known J for 27 yrs and has only been married for 4 yrs.......you can't compare years. He committed his life and love to Rachel, his wife............nobody forced him to propose and marry her. If J is always going to be the #1 woman in his life, he shouldn't have married Rachel or anyone....he should have just stayed single or married J.

 

And again, why does he feel the need to "take care of" J? Surely she has family who can help out if she needs help.........what would she do if he wasn't even around? I'm sure she'd manage just fine.

 

I'm not taking this stance because I"m a woman and I'm taking his wife's side..I'd say the same thing if the tables were turned and it was a case of a wife having such an oddly close, almost-codependent relationship with a male "best friend"..............

 

When a couple marries, although they do maintain (and should) friendships and relationships witih family, their marital relationship should be the primary focus of them both........and if they weren't best friends when they married, they shouldn't have married.

[indigo_moon]

Originally posted by jason87

Thats why my initial thought was to stay with her temporarily. Which I still think is a good idea. If I wasn't married, she'd have done the same for me. And she's not married, so I should do it for her.

 

Sorry but that is just insane. She has a brother, she is not an invalid. I am astonished that you even CONSIDERED moving in with her, even temporarily, to help her out. So what she's not married, YOU ARE. A husband does not move out of his marital home and go live with someone who's not even a blood relative, to help them out..particularly when doing so would put a great deal of strain on their marriage. You say you should be the one to move in and help because you're closer than her brother and he "has a life"..well sorry to tell you, but so do you......you have a wife and a marriage.

 

I sense you really don't "get" what marriage really is about...and the boundaries within it........and how your #1 priority should be your spouse..........The fact that you still think you should move in with her shows me how seriously you need to get into some counselling. I feel sorry for your wife. You are surely going to lose her if you don't get it together and realize that your relationship with Jules is unhealthy. The fact that you talk on the phone "every day", wow, if I was your wife I'd divorce you.....because the unhealthy dependence on J would creep me out.

[debs]

Jason,

 

Being helpful to a friend is admirable but at the costs of your marriage?

 

I would be as your wife is, feeling very insecure about it! Her family will come to her rescue if needed! This is sounding to me as a very needy female wanting you to herself! Her brother lives near but he has his life??? HELLO? You a friend and YOU have your life! But you chose to complicate your life with a needy female friend!

 

Sorry but my best advise is to distance yourself from this needy friend!

 

I know from first hand experience, that so called needy friend and my ex are living together now and planning a wedding!!! Need I say more???? Just friends my $@%!!!! Never did believe him and I proved myself so right! It leads to D I V O R C E!

[jason87]

If the situation was reveresed, I would be okay with it because I know that you be close friends with someone of the opposite sex and still be "just friends." I highly doubt I would be jealous or hurt or feel insecure. If she was friends with a guy for a long time and they were close and told me that that was all it was, why should I not believe them? If they both needed me at the same time, I would find a way to split my time, depending on the severity.

 

Just a question but if the situation was reversed how would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot? Wouldn't you be jealous? Hurt, feeling insecure, not good enough? I'm sure your wife feels second fiddle to this other woman. Here's a senario...Something happens and they both NEED you asap at the exact time! Who gets your attention and help? How do you choose?

 

I can see that right now my friendship is interfering with my marriage, even though I don't know why. Rachel's looking at or for something that's not there and making this bigger than it really is. She did know what the deal was when we got married and she also knew that my friendship with Jules wasn't going to change. And yes, I am worried about Juliana. She and Rachel are friends, or were friends. Whatever. and she's just as baffled as I am. Nothing's changed. Just Rachel's attitude. J has always been important in my life and I'm not going to change that just because Rachel's jealous. I never try to interfere with her friendships. I don't get pissy whenever a friend of hers needs her so theres no reason why she should be. Like I said before. I don't ignore my wife. but she's acting like I am.

 

Believe me, me and Jules will never become romantically involved. I'm not in love with her. And she's not in love with me. I know our relationship is unusual and we've talked about it. We know what we would do and wouldn't do. She even had an opportunity to move a coupld doors down from me and Rachel and she didnt take it because, living too close together would be too much.

 

And the reason people have best friends in the first place is to talk and rely on. and plus I'll say again, Rachel knew what she was getting into. I'm a talker and I like to discuss things, so all of this have been covered before we were married.

 

And when me and Jules cuddle, it's not like we cuddle on the couch under a blanket while Rachel watches. That itself would be wrong on so many counts. We cuddle when one of us needs it. We cuddle to comfort. If she's sad or upset, we do cuddle a little. Stuff like that. If I'm sad or upset, sure I tell her about it but I go to Rachel to get comforted. That's how it works.

 

But I don't see being affectionate as inappropriate. Lots of people are affectionate. And as for making a choice, I don't want to because I don't feel I need to. When Rachel gets out of her little phase, I feel everything will be back to normal. Juliana does have her own life. It's just for the time being, most of it is being put on hold for a while.

 

Rachel knew when we got married, nothing would change between me and Jules. Okay, well a bit did. I don't spend most of my waking hours with her anymore. And that's a big improvement. She knows that I wouldn't stop loving her. My feelings wouldn't just dssapear. I will say that she's number one in my life but lately, I'm rethinking it. She did like a total 180 and I'm getting fed up. So she probably was lying when she said she accepted it. I tried talking things out, she ignored me. So now I'm back and forth from home to J's and I am spending time with her. I ask Rachel to come along but she doesn't want to. Maybe if Jules ask she might go visit.

 

But if she does feel that I'm going to give up my friendship with Jules, she's wrong. Nobody knows me like Jules does. Not even my parents. And Rachel hasn't known me long enough to know most things about me. Jules did say that she can manage without me and that may be true, but I don't want her to feel that Rachel is pulling us apart, because that won't happen. Rachel knows that I love her. She's been great about the whole thing, but instead she might just drive me to spend more time with Jules because when she gets in her mood, I don't like to be around her.

 

I never said that my wife's feeling didn't matter. I just said that I didn't understand that and she doesn't really want to talk. So if she doesn't talk, how am I supposed to know what she's thinking?

 

and Jules isn't "needy."

 

But I do still want to stay with her, so marriage counseling does sound like a good idea.

[jason87]

one last thing. u'r making it sound like i spend all my time with Jules, which I don't. Most of my time does go to my wife. And she is important to me. When me and Rachel talk, J's name doesnt come up in every sentence. Before the accident, Rachel never let on that she had a problem and I didn't do anything in excess, either.

[debs]

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Jason,

 

Your wife may have "accepted" Jules to just go along with the idea just thinking Jules will find her own man and your wife will be top dog!!

 

I am sorry I will never play second fiddle to a scenerio as this! I am either number 1 or NO one!

 

Yes I too have a male friend but believe me when I say this he stays out of the picture of me and my relationships because that is the way it is! My exH stated foremost he doesn't like him and with that I kept the male friend at a distance and my friend understood! We have been friends 30+ years!

[LucreziaBorgia]

Originally posted by jason87

But I do still want to stay with her, so marriage counseling does sound like a good idea.

 

Hopefully things will work out for all involved. Just keep those lines of communication open.

[Mr Spock]

I was thinking on temporarily moving in with Jules, but I guess that's not such a good idea. She lives like 10 minutes from me driving, so I guess I can check up on her daily or something. Her brother and I are making the place more easily accessible for her since I'm not going to be staying there.

 

 

OH I hope your wife dumps your arse and finds someone who is HER soulmate, since she's not yours.

[littleflowerpot]

Originally posted by Mr Spock

OH I hope your wife dumps your arse and finds someone who is HER soulmate, since she's not yours.

 

lol @ "arse." i love that word!

[indigo_moon]

There is obviously not one single thing that anybody here - not even those with years of marital experience behind them ,not even those who are IN a healthy successful marriage can say to you to get you to SEE that this is all very bent and bizarre.

 

You admit that prior to Rachel, you and Jules spent "every waking minute together"...that she "knows you better than anyone"........and it's more than obvious that you really want to go move in with her to "help her out"........you admit that you talk on the phone to Jules "every day" and that you still "see her often"...........yet you haven't got a freaking foggy clue as to why your wife is jealous and has issues with this.

 

What you have here is like a three-way marriage....where you have 2 wives. big deal you don't have sex with Jules, the point is, you are treating her in many ways as if she were your wife. No sane man in the world would even CONSIDER leaving his marital home and moving in, even temporarily, with his "best friend" like this............this is so freaking whacked.

 

I feel enormous sadness and pity for your wife, that she's in this messy dysfunctional triangle. You obviously don't love and cherish her as you should........you are being selfish and thinking only of YOUR needs and YOUR relationship with basically "another woman".................and you don't seem to grasp that the dynamic between you and Jules is highly dysfunctional and you seem to be extremely dependent on her.

 

Does your WIFE know about your wish to move in with Jules?

 

God I feel sorry for her. I've heard of bad marriages where the guy is a total Mommy's boy and he can't cut the apron strings, is constantly calling up mommy, goinng to mommy for advice, sharing his relationship problems with mommy, not being able to make a decision without consulting mommy, etc etc.........but this is 10 times worse.

 

I think you need to see a psychologist or psychiatrist..seriously...to get at the root of why you have this very unhealthy relationship with this so-called sister figure...........and why it is more than clear that you will choose her over your wife, if it comes right down to it. The whole thing has almost an incestuous feel to it, though it shouldn't because you SAY you've never had sex with her and she's not related by blood..........but it just seems creepy.

 

Did you have some kind of dysfunctional childhood that made you turn to Jules for support and comfort? There has to be something deeper here that's causing this, and causing you to "not get it"............I mean this in all honesty.