Barby Posted December 27, 2004 Share Posted December 27, 2004 Why not just leave her and be with Jules? Maybe that's what this is really about, maybe you have hidden feelings for Jules and your wife is picking up on that? Link to post Share on other sites
cheatersrsad Posted December 27, 2004 Share Posted December 27, 2004 Good God! Whaaaaa Whaaaaa. Sounds like you need to cut the cord and Jules needs better friends! Regardless of what was said between you and your wife...it's bothering her now! If Jules were such a "soulmate" she would get her own caretaker and send you on your way. Talk to your wife...you don't make it clear why she doesn't like Jules. Maybe she is just fed up with it after witnessing 4 years of "soulmate" garbage talk. I know I would be. Maybe she changed her mind and your losing yours. Bottomline...you said that you would choose Jules over your wife? If that's truly the case then you should cut her loose. She deserves a much more dedicated person...it's not her duty to like Jules, but it is yours to care for your WIFE if you honored your vows. Link to post Share on other sites
indigo_moon Posted December 27, 2004 Share Posted December 27, 2004 Originally posted by cheatersrsad Good God! Whaaaaa Whaaaaa. Sounds like you need to cut the cord and Jules needs better friends! Regardless of what was said between you and your wife...it's bothering her now! If Jules were such a "soulmate" she would get her own caretaker and send you on your way. Talk to your wife...you don't make it clear why she doesn't like Jules. Maybe she is just fed up with it after witnessing 4 years of "soulmate" garbage talk. I know I would be. Maybe she changed her mind and your losing yours. Bottomline...you said that you would choose Jules over your wife? If that's truly the case then you should cut her loose. She deserves a much more dedicated person...it's not her duty to like Jules, but it is yours to care for your WIFE if you honored your vows. His wife is under no obligation whatsoever to like Jules or want anything to do with her, crap, she's not even family. Wonder if the wife knows how he and Jules, as teenagers, had "sleepovers" in which they shared the same bed? We already know he didn't admit to her that he felt there was nothing wrong with moving in with Jules to take care of her...............women aren't stupid...........she obviously has a right to be upset here, but hell, if she only knew the FULL history and that he feels Jules is his soul mate and best friend ........... I'm sure she didn't just fall off the turnip truck, he's picking up on the vibes. If she only knew the truth, she'd have ditched him long ago........she deserves someone who will make her #1 in his life..............not this kind of drama and dysfunction. I'm sure you're a good guy, Jason, but you're extremely lost and have no concept of what marriage is and is supposed to be. And again, I'd LOVE for your wife to post here so we could hear HER side of the story..................... Link to post Share on other sites
Author jason87 Posted December 27, 2004 Author Share Posted December 27, 2004 Maybe she did change her mind. She does have a right to do so. And I do talk to Rachel, she's just not telling me why. As for the "soulmate garbage talk" I don't even talk about Juliana much. You make it sound like she's mentioned in every sentence I tell my wife and that's not true. I never said Rachel was obligated to like J. She just used to and J did nothing that would cause her to stop. She told me how she felt but she can't expect me to just change my feelings or stop being friends with her. She knows that I would never ask that of her and she has people that she's close to. I would never ask her to stop being friends with someone if I didn't like them. There are ways to work around it. And I'm trying to figure out how to do just that. If I didn't love my wife or if I didn't think that how she felt was important, I would have just ignored it, but I'm not ignoring it. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 28, 2004 Share Posted December 28, 2004 Tell your wife that if there was a choice between keeping her or Jules, you'd choose Jules. Then see how she thinks about your situation. This is an emotional affair. There are no two ways about it. Whether or not you two have schtupped, 'Jules' is your primary source of emotional support and that is just wrong. I had a friend once who was like that with me. He wanted me to remain his friend even when he had a girlfriend. I refused. I told him that that role belonged to his partner. He got a girlfriend and must've thought I was bluffing, but I wasn't. I ended the relationship we had. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 28, 2004 Share Posted December 28, 2004 And yes I know that Jules has her brother around, but I'm closer. I never told Rachel that she was second best, I never told her that she wasn't important. You didn't have to tell her, your actions speak louder than words. And Jules should be relying more on her brother than you because HE IS HER FAMILY...You being closer isn't the issue here. I never said Rachel was obligated to like J. She just used to and J did nothing that would cause her to stop. No she isn't, but maybe in the past including your wife more than leaving her out of the equation would have made this situation easier or not as much of an issue with your wife. J did do something...She is taking YOU away from YOUR WIFE and that is an issue... She told me how she felt but she can't expect me to just change my feelings or stop being friends with her Well, then you have to live with the consquences of your actions. Keeping your bestfriend happy and having you in her life all the time or keeping your WIFE happy and making her FEEL #1 in your body, mind and soul. Your wife at the beginning of course had no problems with the friendship because she probably thought that Jules would move on to someone else, get married and then YOU would not be the be all end all focus in her life. But sadly, that has not happened. This woman has taken more from you than I think your wife bargained for and she has every right to feel what she is feeling. and Jules doesn't really like to date. She has friends, but she hasn't really been in a relationship since a couple years ago. I don't think that she feels that our relationship is going to prevent her from seeing someone. It would be nice if she dated someone. She doesn't like to date, why would she want to date when she has you?? I'm sorry, maybe YOU are not inlove with her, sexually attracted to her, but chances are deep down she is inlove with you, emotionally and physically and just not telling you. The emotional attachment is pretty obvious and that, my dear, is what your wife is most likely upset about. I don't even talk about Juliana much. You make it sound like she's mentioned in every sentence I tell my wife and that's not true. Everyone is just going by what you have told us, and maybe reading abit between the lines as well. Maybe you don't talk about Jules all the time with your wife, but I bet if you are honest, Jules is on your mind daily right? Do you talk to her daily on the phone or email her if you don't see her? Just wondering. Thing is Jason, women have radar with other women...So if you are not picking up on the signals your wife IS, and that is a fact. Sorry to be blunt, I am sure this situation is difficult for you but please really think hard who it is you really love and want to be with, have children with, because if another few years rolls around and this is still an issue going on, it will only get worse and worse. When J is back up on her feet, space from her is a good thing. She should understand that as well. As your friend she should BACK OFF from you, stop asking you to do stuff for her. She needs to be independant and learn how to live life without her bestfriend at her side all the time. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jason87 Posted December 28, 2004 Author Share Posted December 28, 2004 Juliana's not in love with me. If she was, she would have told me years ago. And she's not dependant on me, either. and we do have space between us. She knows when to back off and she knows what to ask of me and what not to ask of me. She never asked me to go and help her out, I offered. "This woman has taken more from you than I think your wife bargained for and she has every right to feel what she is feeling." J is not taking me away from Rachel. She's not the bad guy and definately not Rachel. Maybe it's me, I don't know. and yeah, her brother is her family but in a way, so am I. Family doesn't always have to be blood related. "This is an emotional affair. There are no two ways about it. Whether or not you two have schtupped, 'Jules' is your primary source of emotional support and that is just wrong." I didn't say that J was my primary source for emotional support. If I need support, I go to my wife. If I do have a problem that I know only J would understand, then I'd fill her in. . So in a way, I'm more of her source than she is mine. I do have a wife. You guys make it sound like I only have her there for show, which isn't true. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 28, 2004 Share Posted December 28, 2004 Jason, I think from where everyone sits, we are just going by what you say...I'm sorry if it seems like you feel attacked here, I am not attacking you, just giving you some of my thoughts...Take it or leave it, that is up to you. We're all just trying to help and put our thoughts out there so maybe you can be abit more objective about this whole situation. Somebody mentioned how odd it was that you posted this in the OW/OM section... Just really take the time and think about what we all have said, take a step back- be objective- take yourself out of this situation and look at it from a different angle. You just keep justifying so much and again, we are all just going by what you've said in your posts, that's all. Link to post Share on other sites
Devildog Posted December 28, 2004 Share Posted December 28, 2004 Originally posted by jason87 Juliana's not in love with me. If she was, she would have told me years ago. And she's not dependant on me, either. and we do have space between us. She knows when to back off and she knows what to ask of me and what not to ask of me. She never asked me to go and help her out, I offered. I really find it funny how throughout this thread you have basically made it out like your wife is some unreasonable shrew and you and Jules are just innocent little victims of the unjustified "PMSing" of your wife. Your wife is trying to put some very justified limits on what is an acceptable level of "friendship" involving another woman. And in my opinion she is still giving you WAAAAAY too much leeway. The problem isn't your wife. The problem probably isn't even Jules. The problem is YOU!!! You haven't got the slightest clue of what a marriage is. It isn't like when you and Jules used to play house growing up and at the end of play time you could do something else. It is a commitment to each other that surpasses all other relationships in each other's life. It surpasses your relationship with your mother, your father, your brother or sister AND the woman who is like a "sister" to you. You keep mentioning how the relationship with Jules is unusual. I agree completely. Unlike a friends with benefits relationship, you have a marriage without the benefits situation with Jules. And unlike people who can't cut the umbilical cord with Mommy, you and Jules seemed to have had your's fused in the delivery room and you refuse to cut that one. You need to seek psychiatric help because you don't seem to be menatlly balanced. Link to post Share on other sites
DewDrop Posted December 28, 2004 Share Posted December 28, 2004 I feel for your wife! You are not being fair to her and it's rather sad that you'd pick your best friend over your wife. Marriage is a sacrament and you made a vow to your wife to love her til death due you part. You need to consider her feelings and stop feeling like you are a victim! Link to post Share on other sites
Naive Posted December 28, 2004 Share Posted December 28, 2004 Either we are all wrong or you are........... Link to post Share on other sites
Naive Posted December 28, 2004 Share Posted December 28, 2004 Either we are all wrong or you are........... Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean Posted December 28, 2004 Share Posted December 28, 2004 Originally posted by Devildog The problem is YOU!!! You haven't got the slightest clue of what a marriage is. YES!!! this is what I was trying to tell him before...THIS is what it all boils down to. I also suspect his wife likely has a whole list of grievances, and his relationship with 'Jules' is just one of many....... Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted December 28, 2004 Share Posted December 28, 2004 Jason- You've gotten all of the input you asked for. You've categorically waltzed your way around all of the advice and suggestions, which is a good indicator that you really have no desire to do what was suggested. Absolutely your choice to do...and it's your marriage and your wife that will have to deal with how you handle your friendship with Jules. I'm done wasting my time posting on your thread...take the advice or not. The ball is in your court now...good luck in whatever lies ahead for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jason87 Posted December 28, 2004 Author Share Posted December 28, 2004 Well, I guess I'll take it from here and do lots of thinking and I'll post when something changes. Thanks for all your help and I'll take what you said into consideration. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted December 28, 2004 Share Posted December 28, 2004 No you won't. You're trying to pacify us to shut us up. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 28, 2004 Share Posted December 28, 2004 Good luck Jason and post back if you need to. We're just trying to help so I hope you didn't the advice given the wrong way!! Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted December 28, 2004 Share Posted December 28, 2004 Like I said before, I don't want to choose, but if i do have to, it's Jules that I will pick. I never told Rachel that she was second best, I never told her that she wasn't important. WARNING...MAJOR MENTAL DISCONNECT IN PROGRESS... Link to post Share on other sites
DewDrop Posted December 28, 2004 Share Posted December 28, 2004 I have a feeling that he isn't going to take any of the advice on here into consideration! He wasted everybody's time! Link to post Share on other sites
indigo_moon Posted December 28, 2004 Share Posted December 28, 2004 Like I said before, I don't want to choose, but if i do have to, it's Jules that I will pick. She and this marriage don't even have a chance. And Jason wonders WHY she's changed? Why she seems jealous? If he could so easily admit that if he had to choose between the 2, that he'd choose Jules, SURELY his wife has more than picked up on where she stands in his life. Women aren't stupid...they are born with an uncanny instinct about things. I don't think that Jason has even a clue about why his thinking is wrong, unfair and destructive to his wife/marriage...and until he realizes this, nothing will get better and he'll lose his wife.......and she'll have wasted good years of her life on someone who shouldn't have married her in the first place - she deserved to be married to a man who considered her his most best friend in the world, and treated her as such...putting nobody or anything above her. The sad truth is, although she's likely not stupid and is aware of where his loyalties and heart lies, she doesn't know the full truth...........and is thereby living in a lie of a marriage. Nobody deserves that, life is so short. Jason, if you care anything about your wife, you will get yourself into a counsellor who specializes in marriage/relationships..and you will admit ALL of this........not leaving out anything.......if you're not willing to do this, then let Rachel go. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted December 28, 2004 Share Posted December 28, 2004 Originally posted by indigo_moon Jason, if you care anything about your wife, you will get yourself into a counsellor who specializes in marriage/relationships..and you will admit ALL of this........not leaving out anything.......if you're not willing to do this, then let Rachel go. Yes, let her go. End this sham of a marriage and concentrate on yourself. Do this for both (or all three) of you. Link to post Share on other sites
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