My wife hates my best friend, but I just can't give her up

[moimeme]

You have with 'Jules' exactly the relationship you should have only with your wife. I, too, am sorry for your wife. She is clearly so besotted with you, heaven help her, that she agreed to put up with this sick arrangement.

 

You are fooling nobody except yourself. You view 'Jules' as your true partner in life. Your wife is just handy to have around. You have constructed a large number of rationalizations to justify your behaviour, but none hold water when examined closely.

 

Maybe it's that you're a commitmentphobe and was too afraid of how close you are with Jules so you hedge your bets by not actually marrying her.

 

But everything you say about your relationship with Jules is exactly how a married couple should relate and is completely inappropriate to have with someone of the opposite gender when you are married. Please divorce her wife and cut her loose from this seriously ill-conceived situation.

[ziggue]

Your wife may be picking up on some emotional attatchments to Julianna since the car accident. Maybe she could sense what you were thinking if you ever lost Julianna. Maybe that's where your wife's jealousy is coming from.

[Leaf]

I think you are in love with Jules... What I wonder is why you didnt marry her?

[debs]

Yes that is what I see, he is in love with Jules.

 

I do wonder if he got caught up in the married to Rachel because he couldn't or wouldn't hurt her by breaking it off before the wedding? Any thoughts on this?

 

Sorry Jason you can give all the excuses in the world right now. Open your eyes to this and WIDE!

 

Sure breaking up your marriage will be a horrible thing but continuing to put your marriage through this over Jules will also be!

 

High time you make it or break it!

[Mr Spock]

I'd also like to point out that if DYSFUNCTIONAL people can see that your head is clearly stuffed up the ass of ignorance, then you MAY VERY WELL JUST HAVE A PROBLEM.

 

I really, really hope your wife gets tired of all your BS so she can leave and be happy with someone that's devoted to her.

[izzybelle]

i have to agree with most everything everyone has said here, except i'm curious about one thing you originally said...

 

So basically she's been my sister. I love her very much and we are closer tha two peas in a pod, but I am not in love with her. She has been there for me through every hardship of my life and has always been my closest confidant.

 

i keep coming back to this statement in my head. part of me wonders if you really feel this way or are you just saying this to justify the amount of time and energy you invest in your relationship? i'm not judging, just asking whether or not your feelings for her really are of the sibling variety or whether for one, or both of you, it has gone beyond this. in either case, it does seem to be becoming a problem for your marriage and sadly you may very well have to choose. even if you do see her, truthfully, more as a sister than even a friend, that may not change things for how your wife sees it because you aren't related and the time you spend with her is impacting your relationship with your wife. my exH had a very close female friend and at first we didn't get along and she was in my face constantly and there were times when i resented the fact that she (and sometimes her husband) were always there. over time i accepted it, and even though my H and i are now divorced she's still very much my best friend. sadly, he's going through the same thing now with her and his soon-to-be wife. i think his finance told him he had to choose, and he chose her. my friend was incredibly hurt and i know there's a lot of resentment there. it's not an easy situation.

 

as someone who has many male friends i know how frustrating situations like this can be. but i think you need to be honest with yourself about how deep your feelings for her go and how deep hers are for you.

[Leaf]

Something keeps him from his romantic feelings.. and I wonder if it is a shallow reason....

[Naive]

I have to say that I find something weird about your relationship with "Jules". You made vows to your wife that should be stronger than anything or anyone else!!!! You really need help dude!!!

[jason87]

I will admit that the idea of moving in was a bit off. And as I said before, I know this whole thing is a bit unusual, but nobody else in my family sees anything wrong. They're used to us and they all know that I do love Rachel. and I'm not dependent on Juliana. As for the question if Rachel knew about my thoughts of moving in with Jules, she did know that Jules might need a little help doing things until she's better but I'll just go and check up on her. instead of moving in.

 

Our childhood was not dysfunctional. My family's been great. And there's a very good reason why I didn't marry Jules. I'm not in love with her, I would know if I was. And I don't even want to think about divorce. If Rachel wants to get a divorce, then she'll bring it up, which she hasn't.

 

"But everything you say about your relationship with Jules is exactly how a married couple should relate and is completely inappropriate to have with someone of the opposite gender when you are married." Would it make a difference if my best friend was male and I acted the same way?

[Leaf]

There is a reason you are not 'in Love" with her.. what is it?

[jason87]

I don't see her as a "lover." That's why I'm not in love with her. We're just unusually close friends.

[Leaf]

But why? Why not make the leap? Its clear that you deeply care for her.. ect.. Its affecting other parts of your life.. It seems to me that you should just be with her and not your wife.

[moimeme]

Would it make a difference if my best friend was male and I acted the same way?

 

Nope. Your partner should be your best friend and your best friend should accept that his or her place in your life drops a step when you have a partner. Doesn't mean you don't care for that person, but you don't put that person above your spouse.

[jason87]

this is frustrating.

[blind_otter]

I don't necessarily agree with everyone else. I have a very dear male friend who is like a brother to me - and every man I've been involved with has hated my friend for no reason. This is the friend who was there for me when my ex broke my door in - my ex nearly killed him.

 

For us, we sat down years ago and said that we are both phenomenally f*cked up in relationships, and we would rather be friends for the rest of our lives than be involved for a year and never speak again (which is what would happen).

 

I agree with LB - marriage counseling is in order. You need to find out what exactly it is about your interaction with Jules, and what it is that you do, that makes her feel insecure and jealous. Address that. Talk about it. Be open with one another. Good luck.

[Leaf]

K.. my 2 cents ...

 

I dont think you should bag out on a friend for a girlfriend/wife/lover, especially a friend you have had your entire life. All that will do is make you resent your wife for the rest of your life... not to mention that your "soul mate" or what ever you called her (that you dont want a romantic relationship with.. I think I know why after your apprehension in answering) will be destroyed because one of the people that has been a stabalizer in her life had abandoned her.

 

Would you stop talking to a family member because a lover asked you too? no. It sounds like your wife is having a jealous fit and needs to get a reality check.. if you are not sexually attracted to your friend then wifey poo need not worry. After all you DID marry her.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Originally posted by jason87

"But everything you say about your relationship with Jules is exactly how a married couple should relate and is completely inappropriate to have with someone of the opposite gender when you are married." Would it make a difference if my best friend was male and I acted the same way?

 

The way I see it: you told your wife what the deal was in no uncertain terms. You made it clear that if she wanted to marry you, that she would have to accept your relationship with Jules. You made it clear that you have a lifelong friendship with a woman you consider to be your soulmate. You also made it clear that your relationship with Jules would not change under any circumstances. Your wife was told that if she wanted to marry you, that she had to accept that.

 

What part of that did your wife fail to understand when she agreed to marry you under those terms? The only problem I see here is that your wife married you under one set of terms and is now trying to change those terms.

 

Is the relationship you have with Rachel normal? Normal according to who? That is who you and Rachel are, and who you have been for 27 years. Your wife knew that when she married you. You have been clear and honest about it with your wife. Your 'normal' doesn't fit with her 'normal' and therein lies the rub. You have to go to marriage counseling to rectify your 'normal' with her 'normal' if you want the marriage to work. There has to be a way that will work for you both.

[whichwayisup]

I will admit that the idea of moving in was a bit off. And as I said before, I know this whole thing is a bit unusual, but nobody else in my family sees anything wrong. They're used to us and they all know that I do love Rachel. and I'm not dependent on Juliana. As for the question if Rachel knew about my thoughts of moving in with Jules, she did know that Jules might need a little help doing things until she's better but I'll just go and check up on her. instead of moving in.

 

Thing is Jason, it doesn't matter what your family thinks of this situation...What matters is what YOUR WIFE thinks. You are the one married to her, not your family! Come on buddy, GIVE Your head a shake?? Put yourself in your wife's shoes and REVERSE The situation. I doubt VERY MUCH that you would be as understanding as your wife has been so far. Geez, give her some credit and stop hurting her!! One day you will look back at this and think OH man, what was I thinking????

[Owl]

You note repeatedly that you are not "in love" with your friend...but you never say that you are "in love" with your wife either. That's interesting...

 

You've heard a number of people tell you that you should place your wife's needs above those of any friend...but refuse to listen to that advice. It sounds to me as though you've already decided what you want, and are willing to continue with things the way they are, no matter how miserable and hurt you will make your wife by doing so.

 

You don't have to agree with how your wife feels...you don't even have to understand it. BUT, you KNOW what she's feeling, she's told you. You feel that you shouldn't have to make a choice between this friend (soulmate, etc...) and your wife...you seem to hint that you don't feel that it's fair to expect that of you. You're likely right...it's not fair.

 

BUT, if you want to keep your marriage, then you DO have to place the needs of your wife over anything and everything else. Fair, not fair....it's all immaterial. If you are more concerned over the welfare and well-being of someone else (friend, soulmate, whatever) than you are over the welfare and well-being of your wife (and her happiness and emotional health count in here), then you've either got to resort your priorities, or end your marriage.

 

It's NOT fair for your wife to have to play second to someone else...or even be considered "just as important" as somone else...that's not what she signed up for, regardless of what you thought she felt and agreed to when you got married.

 

So, whether you feel its fair or not...you're at a point where you DO have to choose...because even NOT doing anything at this point is a choice, at least in your wife's eyes. How long do you expect her to hang on to you while her emotions are going through this gambit? (It would be interesting at this point to hear how your friend really feels about the whole situation too...you outta see if she can post on here too).

 

Sorry for my "self-righteous" post... Just wanting to point out that you already know you've got to do something, and that you've had advice from a lot of people already. Now comes the HARD part...making that choice and working through it.

[Adunaphel]

I agree with what SoleMate, Mr. Spock, Indigo_Moon, Moimeme and almost everyone else said. And i feel really sorry for your wife.

 

LucreziaBorgia has a point,

 

Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia

The way I see it: you told your wife what the deal was in no uncertain terms. You made it clear that if she wanted to marry you, that she would have to accept your relationship with Jules. You made it clear that you have a lifelong friendship with a woman you consider to be your soulmate. You also made it clear that your relationship with Jules would not change under any circumstances. Your wife was told that if she wanted to marry you, that she had to accept that.

 

but I guess one can't really get a clear idea of how hurtful, stressful and insane such a situation is once she's actually in it.

 

Like someone else said, perhaps she was assuming she would eventually, with time, become number one in your life and that once married she would not be second fiddle to anyone. (it's a quite human assumption to make)

 

Perhaps she had no idea you would be ready to *move in*with your best friend (who has a brother and other people that would take care of her).

 

Perhaps she hoped Juliana would eventually get married too.

 

Did you ever clearly mention to your wife that she would *never* be number one in your life, and that you'd pick your friend over her, when you told her what the deal was?

 

Anyway, such a relationship would be weird even if you and Juliana were actually brother and sister.

 

Has Juliana ever had a boyfriend /a relationship that lasted more for a few months?

One might think that the relationship she has with you would prevent her from getting a boyfriend.

 

If she was a real friend, she would be encouraging you to spend more time with your wife and strongly opposing crazy ideas such as moving in with her.

She would *forbid* you to treat her like she were your wife.

A real friend would not allow the friendship to become a threat to your marriage.

[tiki]

Originally posted by jason87

She's my best friend. You can't erase 27 years of being soul mates.

 

Dude, you married the wrong gal. If she's your best friend and soulmate, you're cheating your wife out of that position.

[jason87]

If Rachel didn't mind the idea, or was uncomfortable with Rachel, then she wouldn't have married me. We knew each other for a year and a half before we got married, so she had plenty of time to tell me if she didnt like it. If the situation was reversed and I felt a certain way, I would voice it. Now we've been married for 4 years and she never had a problem with it before. My friendship never interferred with my marriage before. Only now, since the accident, she's acting up. But I think once Jules gets better, everything'll be back to normal.

 

And she did tell me how she felt, recently. Even though she wouldn't tell me why. So I just can't turn my life around without knowing a reason for it. You guys say that she's miserable, so what else am I supposed to do? I'm already trying to find a reason but I'm getting nowhere. If she wants to spend some time alone like on a vacation or something, I'll do it. I have no problems with that.

 

And yes I know that Jules has her brother around, but I'm closer. I never told Rachel that she was second best, I never told her that she wasn't important.

 

and Jules doesn't really like to date. She has friends, but she hasn't really been in a relationship since a couple years ago. I don't think that she feels that our relationship is going to prevent her from seeing someone. It would be nice if she dated someone.

 

Juliana does encourage me to spend more time with Rachel. I spent most of my time with Rachel. Even though I see Jules often, we don't really "spend time" together much.

[indigo_moon]

Originally posted by jason87

If Rachel didn't mind the idea, or was uncomfortable with Rachel, then she wouldn't have married me. We knew each other for a year and a half before we got married, so she had plenty of time to tell me if she didnt like it. If the situation was reversed and I felt a certain way, I would voice it. Now we've been married for 4 years and she never had a problem with it before. My friendship never interferred with my marriage before. Only now, since the accident, she's acting up. But I think once Jules gets better, everything'll be back to normal.

 

Jason, you need to take responsibility here and stop putting the blame on your wife. How she felt prior to your marriage, and her level of acceptance of your relationship with Jules very *understandably* couldn't help but change once you married. Marriage totally changes the dynamic of many relationships a couple has - that's expected.

 

Your wife likely realizes Jules is your best friend and that she's NOT......but once you both married, she likely felt that this deeper change in your relationship (going to the next level of marriage) would cause your friendship with her, your wife, to grow such that you 2 became best friends. This isn't a selfish or unrealistic expectation.

 

I'm sure she came to believe that with marriage, your need to have daily contact with Jules would diminish because SHE would be the person you turned to. That is not an unrealistic expectation...what the hell is the point of getting married if your spouse is consistently turning to someone outside of the marriage for support and this intense level of friendship?

 

And of course we are only hearing YOUR side of the story..........your perception of it. I'd be more than curious to read your wife's side of things..........what her true understanding and perception of your relationship with Jules was prior to the marriage..........you keep saying she knew how things were, but that's only YOUR perception of it.

 

It's not the least bit unrealistic for a married couple to experience changes in the dynamics of external relationships once they've married.

 

Did you sit there and tell her to her face, CLEARLY, prior to your marriage proposal, "Look, Jules is my soul mate, you are not and you never will be...............she is my best friend, always will be, you and I will never have this type of friendship - I will spend the rest of my life speaking with Jules each and every day............and if something should ever happen to her and *I* feel I'm the best person to help her out, I'll gladly temporarily move out of marital home, move in with Jules and take care of her.......because even though her own flesh and blood family members, like her brother, COULD do this, they "have their own lives" and nobody can care for her like I can............and you need to know that I would do this for her - because we've known each other our whole lives and you'll never be able to compete with that."

 

Unless you spelled it out like this to her, then I think it's absurd to keep claiming that she knew the scoop prior to marrying you.

 

It's a bit of a red flag, too, that she's 27 yrs old and doesn't date, and her last relationship was 2 yrs ago...............you both seem very emotionally dependent on one another.........but then again, if she ever did have a boyfriend, and later a husband, there's no way a man would put up with this arrangement. I'd be curious to know the reason for her relationship 2 yrs ago ending..........did it have ANYTHING to do with her boyfriend at the time having an issue with this relationship you and she share?

[Leaf]

Yuppers.. you married the wrong one. I totally think something else is up with this tho... either Jules isnt attractive to fit in with what you find attractive OR She feels you are not the right one for her. BUT I really think you are IN LOVE with Jules, you just dont want to let yourself see it. Either way.. you have a wife to deal with now. I said this before as did someone else... you shouldnt shut yourself off from your family and friends for any lover. BUT I would echo what others have said and be gentle with your wifes insecurities regarding your "soul mate".

[Owl]

Originally posted by jason87

If Rachel didn't mind the idea, or was uncomfortable with Rachel, then she wouldn't have married me. We knew each other for a year and a half before we got married, so she had plenty of time to tell me if she didnt like it. If the situation was reversed and I felt a certain way, I would voice it. Now we've been married for 4 years and she never had a problem with it before. My friendship never interferred with my marriage before. Only now, since the accident, she's acting up. But I think once Jules gets better, everything'll be back to normal.

 

Jason-

 

She probably didn't raise it then because she didn't feel that it was going to be a threat to the marriage. Obviously, she does now. She's telling/showing you that with what she's saying now. My GUESS at this point would be that she's always felt this way, but with the recent accident she's feeling even MORE left in the cold than normal. She probably didn't voice how she felt then because she was afraid of losing you...here's a thought...ask HER how she felt then, and what's changed since?

 

If your wife feels that your relationship has a problem...then it has a problem. The fact that she feels that way is a problem. You have never told her she's a second choice...but she may well feel that way given the fact that she's told you how you're making her feel with this friendship, but you continue on with it anyway. Think about it.

 

And she did tell me how she felt, recently. Even though she wouldn't tell me why. So I just can't turn my life around without knowing a reason for it. You guys say that she's miserable, so what else am I supposed to do? I'm already trying to find a reason but I'm getting nowhere. If she wants to spend some time alone like on a vacation or something, I'll do it. I have no problems with that.

 

Why do you have to have a reason? You know that your actions are hurting and upsetting your wife. You say that you shouldn't have to choose...but that may not be your option if your wife feels otherwise. A marriage takes TWO people willing to work at it...and it should always be your top priority in life, alongside your responsibilities as a parent. (again, my opinion...not everyone may agree)

 

And we don't KNOW that she's miserable...all we know is what you post. That, and experience would help us to put ourselves in her position to imagine how we'd feel...but we're NOT there, so we don't know anything but what you've said. Why would you have posted if you didn't feel that she was unhappy with what was going on?