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Girlfriend going over to ex's house to take care cats...is this an issue?

free_radicals

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free_radicals Member

free_radicals

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My girlfriend of 3 months has gone over to her ex's house a few times (where they used to live about 8 months back) to feed and hang around the cats they used to own while her ex is on a roadtrip. I'm not sure how I feel about this, and she still has a key to his house. While there's nothing inherently wrong with this, I feel a bit uneasy although we both trust each other 100%. She says she sees nothing wrong with this.

 

What is everyone's opinion?

Edited by free_radicals
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d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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Do you trust her? If yes, try to deal with it. If the cats were hers during the relationship she probably misses them too

  • Like 1
FitChick Established Member

FitChick

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If he was in the house, I'd be worried that in exchange for her taking care of his cats, he'd take care of her pu$$y.

  • Like 3
Kate9292 Established Member

Kate9292

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My girlfriend of 3 months has gone over to her ex's house a few times (where they used to live about 8 months back) to feed and hang around the cats they used to own while her ex is on a roadtrip. I'm not sure how I feel about this, and she still has a key to his house. While there's nothing inherently wrong with this, I feel a bit uneasy although we both trust each other 100%. She says she sees nothing wrong with this.

 

What is everyone's opinion?

 

If ex is on a road trip, there is nothing wrong with that.

 

Even if he was home, you should trust your gf to not cheat on you.

  • Like 1
mutant Established Member

mutant

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Normally, if you trust each other this is not an issue but in your case IT IS! and that's because it bothered you enough to post here.... I would explain to her that I am a bit uncomfortable with the arrangement..

Tephros Member

Tephros

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I am not a trusting person at all. I assume everybody has selfish intentions and I always assume the worst, and I know how to lie effectively. But even the pessimist perspective depends on the context: How did you find out about this? Did you discover it (friend told you, you saw her car at his place) and this was her explanation? Or did she bring it up? If she brought it up, were you likely to find out on your own without her bringing it up? If she brought it up and it was unlikely for you to find out what was going on without her telling you, it's pretty likely she is being truthful. If you "caught" her and this was her explanation, then I wouldn't assume she's truthful unless you really do trust her... If she told you but thought you would find out anyway, then I wouldn't assume truth there either.

 

That said, even if she's being truthful, sometimes cheating happens after what starts out as innocent circumstances. Obviously wouldn't happen while he's away, but I wouldn't be comfortable with it either. Girlfriends can be friends with their ex's, but having a key to his house, and hanging out at their house one-on-one is where I'd draw the line.

Edited by Tephros
Thierro Established Member

Thierro

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I don't believe that an ex should visit an ex in any way.

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xpaperxcutx Established Member

xpaperxcutx

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If the ex isn't there, then I guess it's fine.

 

But for the sake of your relationship, I hope your gf can return the keys to the ex after he gets back from the road trip.

carhill Established Member

carhill

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What is everyone's opinion?

 

Interesting how she has none of the cats and still has the key to the domicile. Perhaps you could expand upon that, meaning does she have one or more cats from the LTR and does she normally have the key or was it just for this 'road trip'?

 

Equally interesting is that her ex, atypical of most people these days, has no other girlfriend, friend or family member to take care of the cats but rather appears to rely on the lady he broke up with or who broke up with him to take care of them.

 

I call these things 'canaries'.

odin673 Established Member

odin673

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to clear up any misunderstanding i think if its over between them she should have give him his keys back and done with him

 

its disrespectful to keep ex around while you are in a new relationship

having the key and go to take care for the "cats" is like a way to stay connected.

 

he shore have 1000 of other people that can go take care of the cats.

 

stop this bs or sit and see how she play you

 

Pretty much this. She was in a very serious relationship with a guy(they lived together) and she still has his keys? Either she's keeping her ex on a string, or he is keeping her on one. Your girlfriend doesn't understand boundaries and is disrespecting you. This has a high probability of not ending well.

AHaze Established Member

AHaze

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Normally, if you trust each other this is not an issue but

 

No, it is ALWAYS an issue.

 

Trust is not all about going into situation which your bf/gf would be naturally suspicious of, but "trusting" you not to make a mistake..

 

Trust is also about trusting you not to cause that suspicion, trusting you to already appreciate that a situation like that is NOT ok, and trusting you not to get into that situation in the first place.

lollipopspot Established Member

lollipopspot

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Equally interesting is that her ex, atypical of most people these days, has no other girlfriend, friend or family member to take care of the cats but rather appears to rely on the lady he broke up with or who broke up with him to take care of them.

 

Actually, if you have animals and care about them, and especially if they have any special needs at all, it can be very difficult to find someone you trust to take care of them. The girlfriend also has to spend time with them. A lot of people do not want to do that, will say they will and then actually not do that, and frankly can't even be trusted to care enough to take care of your animals properly like going by regularly to feed. I have horror stories, and have heard of many where someone does a terrible job petsitting. I can see why he'd ask for someone who also loves them to take care of them.

 

Trust is not all about going into situation which your bf/gf would be naturally suspicious of, but "trusting" you not to make a mistake..

 

Who's she going to make a "mistake" with there though - he's gone.

  • Like 1
Woggle Established Member

Woggle

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Sure whatever she says.

carhill Established Member

carhill

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Actually, if you have animals and care about them, and especially if they have any special needs at all, it can be very difficult to find someone you trust to take care of them. The girlfriend also has to spend time with them. A lot of people do not want to do that, will say they will and then actually not do that, and frankly can't even be trusted to care enough to take care of your animals properly like going by regularly to feed. I have horror stories, and have heard of many where someone does a terrible job petsitting. I can see why he'd ask for someone who also loves them to take care of them.

 

Yep, as a cat fancier who currently owns a retired breeding male Himalayan, I'm well aware of such issues and have a cadre of friends of similar ilk who jump at the chance to drive 20 miles to look in on my cat when I travel though it is seldom needed as he manages quite well on his own and I can look in on him anytime via remote security cameras. My exW took our cat when we divorced and that was the last I saw of it, and her, and the keys to the house I bought her.

 

Life goes on. Like I said, canaries. If this is a one time thing and she normally doesn't have the keys to his house, they're not choking as bad.

lollipopspot Established Member

lollipopspot

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Well I have friends and I don't have a cadre of people I think would take great care of my animals, so I could understand asking a former ex who loved them too to take care of them. Most people are busy and don't want to just go and hang out with a cat, and she's willing to spend time with them.

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carhill Established Member

carhill

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Well I have friends and I don't have a cadre of people I think would take great care of my animals, so I could understand asking a former ex who loved them too to take care of them. Most people are busy and don't want to just go and hang out with a cat, and she's willing to spend time with them.

 

OP, let's up the ante here. Since your girlfriend is such good friends with her ex-lover that she has a key to his house, have you met him and hoisted a few beers with him? After all, she is your girlfriend and he should be a friend to and supporter of the relationship. How does that go? I'm asking due to another great anecdote, that being a wonderful beagle my exW shared with her second H, where he got 'custody' in their D and she would occasionally visit and interact with her exH and their dog while we were dating and even after marrying, until the dog's death. I met her exH, interacted with him and his family and came to understand the dynamic firsthand and supported it. How do you feel about that?

Ruby Slippers Established Member

Ruby Slippers

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My girlfriend of 3 months has gone over to her ex's house a few times (where they used to live about 8 months back) to feed and hang around the cats they used to own while her ex is on a roadtrip.

She's gone over a few times in 3 months? How many road trips does this guy take?

 

I wouldn't be OK with my partner doing this, and I would not do this for my ex if I were seeing someone new.

 

He can get a friend to do it or pay a pet-sitting service. If my friends are busy or also out of town when I'm away, I pay a pet-sitting company $15/day to come feed my cat and spend 20-30 minutes hanging out with her. They even write up cute reports about what they did that day, how her mood was.

  • Like 1
veggirl Established Member

veggirl

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She's gone over a few times in 3 months? How many road trips does this guy take?

 

I wouldn't be OK with my partner doing this, and I would not do this for my ex if I were seeing someone new.

 

He can get a friend to do it or pay a pet-sitting service. If my friends are busy or also out of town when I'm away, I pay a pet-sitting company $15/day to come feed my cat and spend 20-30 minutes hanging out with her. They even write up cute reports about what they did that day, how her mood was.

 

My thoughts exactly, and I do the same thing you do :) Pet-sitting services (professional, licensed ones) are actually very reasonably priced.

  • Like 1
AHaze Established Member

AHaze

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Who's she going to make a "mistake" with there though - he's gone.

 

Well actually, the fact that she is still in contact with her ex, and still has a key to his house, and is doing him favors... she's already made the mistake,

 

The fact that she sees nothing wrong with that is selfish and unrealistic, if I was the OP I would tell her to go and F her ex all night long because any girl who thinks there is nothing wrong with what she is doing is not the girl for me.

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free_radicals Member

free_radicals

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Posted (edited)

Wow I didn't expect this many replies, but here's more detail:

 

1. The ex is on a long roadtrip and is travelling across the U.S. The roommate feeds the cats when he can, but he calls my gf to do it when the roommate can't.

 

2. My ex misses the cats and got emotional when she told me she doesn't like the thought of never seeing the cats again. She kept one cat they used to have. It was a 10 year relationship that ended in divorce.

 

3. The first time she went to sit for the cats, she told me while she was there already. I felt uncomfortable, but didn't bring it up till a few days later and we talked about it. She has done it three times since we started dating 3 months ago.

 

4. Having the key she says is more convenient for when she needs to go and feed the cats (since no one will be home to open the door for her). I haven't met her ex and I don't know if he has anyone to sit for the cats.

 

5. The ex are friends I'd say, but not like close friends. They haven't seen each other in months, and text rarely. They don't hang out or go out to restaurants or anything like that. But they do each other favors, like take care of each other's cats when needed (when my gf needs a sitter for her cat, she takes the cat over to the exe's house).

Edited by free_radicals
FitChick Established Member

FitChick

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Posted (edited)

I occasionally pet sat an ex's dog because he traveled on business. He gave me the spare key because otherwise the dog would have died of starvation if I couldn't get in! Sometimes his friends helped but sometimes they couldn't. The dog knew me and was more comfortable in his own home than in a kennel where he'd likely feel abandoned. Once I brought my current boyfriend with me. He wanted to see the house and meet the dog.

 

A petsitting service is fine for dogs but not for most cats who are generally shy. It's better that they know the OPs girlfriend. Sounds like her ex has a roommate anyway so this wouldn't be a regular thing.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
  • Like 3
ConstantVoyager Established Member

ConstantVoyager

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This would be a complete non-issue for me. The cats were part of her life, she still cares for them and he's away.

 

Be happy you have a caring girlfriend and get over it.

  • Like 2
carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted (edited)

The ex has a roommate and the ex has a cat and anyone who's owned cats knows that with proper feeders and litter boxes a cat can easily go nearly a week without major issues, presuming it's an indoor-only cat. Hence, even if the roommate is gone for a couple of days, no big deal. Even human-bonding cats like the one I own can go a long time solitary without issue. They're far different from a dog in that regard, and even more self-sufficient if they have a companion. So, the cat is fine, or can be made to be fine. It's not rocket science.

 

Girlfriend is attached to cat but only visits cat alone. OP has never met ex-boyfriend who has custody of cat girlfriend is attached to. This is very emotional. OP apparently feels a mix of guilt and concern even bringing up any hint of impropriety.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed reference to deleted part of post
lollipopspot Established Member

lollipopspot

Posted
Posted (edited)
Hence, even if the roommate is gone for a couple of days, no big deal. Even human-bonding cats like the one I own can go a long time solitary without issue.

 

One really shouldn't leave a cat for more than about 24 hours without someone checking on them. At the vet's office, I saw a cat who nearly died when left alone over the weekend - a male who developed a bladder infection and needed immediate treatment. Owner came home and found him huddled in a corner. There are all kinds of things an animal can get into. My cat decided to pull apart the end of a carpet and swallowed string that wrapped around his tongue - didn't predict that one. And, unless they're feral and with a buddy, they really do need some regular companionship. Very shy cats may not come out for strangers like a pet sitter. People have different standards of care for their pets, and it sounds to me like the boyfriend is being responsible.

 

I haven't heard anything yet from the OP that shows this situation is a danger to the relationship. In fact, he should be glad he has a caring partner - that's a quality I look for in someone.

 

Cats can?t be left alone for long

Edited by lollipopspot
MalachiX Established Member

MalachiX

Posted
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If he was in the house, I'd be worried that in exchange for her taking care of his cats, he'd take care of her pu$$y.

 

:rolleyes:

 

Just because there's low hanging fruit doesn't mean you have to take it...

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