Can't figure what I'm feeling, limerence, crush, obsession?

[Mr. Lizard]

First post. Greetings all. I'll try and keep it brief but this is really a tough one for me. I can't quite figure out what's happening to me or what the heck I supposed to do. Here goes:

 

I'm married with two daughters. Our marriage has had some rocky times but we've stuck it out. Been married 16 years. No infidelities by either of us ever.

 

I've got a weird case of the co worker/ friend thing with a slightly younger female that I've known for a while. We used to work together years back and oddly she ends up back in my life after almost ten years. We were just casual work buds so to speak back then and there was never any feelings involved. We never stayed I contact after we both took different jobs. But, as I said, she ended up joining my company about two years ago and of all things is my immediate supervisor.

 

Anyway, we caught up as expected and really nothing came of it. Just work buds, like before. But slowly I started to get feelings for her but they weren't based on traditional sexual desires or that crush feeling. No, this was different. She is attractive and sex with her has crossed my mind but honestly....it's NOT the focal point and not what I think about when I'm with her. We hang a lot at work and do frequent lunches and errands together. Sometimes with others, sometimes alone. There really isn't any flirting, especially by her. She's getting married this April for the second time. First husband was abusive and really messed her up and that's where some of my feelings come from. I feel bad for her being in such a horrible relationship.....some of her stories about her ex truly made me cry. Major sympathy feelings here for me. Her father left when she was young so she's really had a tough upbringing on top of the awful first marriage. She always puts her daughter first, always is nice to me and others, and is just genuinely a great person. Funny, easy to like, smart, etc, etc.

 

My feelings for her seem to be driven by more of a "protective" nature, kind of like a big brother. I feel I have to watch over her since no man ever has in her life before. This is where limerence has come into my mind as being the issue. I want to be her savior, her hero, the obstacle remover. I want to wait on her hand and foot. I want to do everything I can to make her life awesome. She deserves nothing less. Sex really doesn't come into play but I'm hugely attracted to her nonetheless.

 

The last month has been brutal for me. Crying a lot at night, always thinking about her, distracted, etc. it's killing me. We have hung out together with her and her future hubby and me and the wifey. Hit it off pretty good and enjoy their company. We text occasionally just to touch base on things and shoot the ****. We really are good friends and confide in each other. I do not want the friendship to end. I want her to be a part of my life and I believe she wants me to be a part of hers. We are invited to their wedding in four months too.

 

I cannot quit my job and breaking off everything with her just isn't what I want. She's my supervisor but we are very good at keeping that smooth and non interfering. I completely adore this girl. She means a lot to me and damnit she's all I think about. Driving me mad. Is this just a basic crush? Seems more like limerence to me. She likes me as a friend and does trust me. But, I'm sure she doesn't like me as anything more than a friend.

 

I dunno.... This is killing me but there is no way I can just push her out of my life. I care for her too much and have that strong big brother thing going on. Ugh. Sorry I babbled on. Thanks for reading.

[whichwayisup]

Whatever you do, do NOT tell her how you feel.

 

She is getting married again, so your dreams of being her protector, knight in shining armour, has to be killed off. It isn't going to happen.

 

My suggestion is, detach. Distance yourself on a personal level and be happy for her that she's met a man, getting married and is in a healthy relationship now. Feeling empathy for all she's been through is normal but to she doesn't need to be rescued...She's okay! She's had a tough life, a rough past, but she is strong and moving forward. Focus on her happiness with someone else and just be content with that. Or try to...

 

You're letting yourself fall for her more and more by thinking of her so much and that has to stop, otherwise it's going to ruin what you feel towards your own wife (if it hasn't happened already?) and make you detach more and more, that's not good at all.

 

If you can't handle being around her, boss or not, DO consider finding another job. Or ask for a transfer. .. I also think you'd benefit from counseling, get this under control before it ruins your life.

[RickFox]

There really is nothing for you in this at all......NOTHING. Stop wasting your time with a female who has shown you nothing but kindness, nothing more. Sounds more like an unhealthy obsession

[devilish innocent]

I don't think it matters how you define it. The words you're using are just different words which can all sometimes mean the same thing.

 

Surely this woman must have some flaws. I would try to find out what those are and put your focus on them.

[Walker69]

Mr. Lizard - I feel what you are going through, as I was (perhaps still not over) in the similar situation. Admit that you fell for her even you are married. It happens even you are happy in your marriage life. In subconscious mind, we carry love and care for others - not only for wife or partner. I don't know if it's mistake or not. Let me know my situation from where you may figure out what to do.

 

I was obsessed, she was colleague at other location. We never talked about love or anything but we knew that we liked each other. She was in my head all the time. She was single and I was married. We had stopped contacting each other, time is the best cure. It's been a month now we do not talk, see, txt, email each other. I still carry her in my head, but not constantly as before. I do not feel emptiness now, it's faded.

 

If you want good for her and your family, I think you need to be away from her. The more you get in touch with her, the more you will be obsessed. At one point you would be out of control - we are human being. This is exactly happened to me. Act before reaching that point.

[Mr. Lizard]

Thanks for reading and providng feedback, everyone. Glad to se Im not alone here! Ill address some of the comments here:

 

whichwayisup - I would never tell her how I feel... although in a way I have told her that I care about her and shes a great friend to me. Shes said the same thing and we really are truly good friends. I enjoy her company and we have the same sense of humor. Shes a ball buster, like "one of the guys" and its a breath of fresh air. So, I wouldnt tell her I was in love with her since I dont believe I am anyways. As for her being "happy" now with the new hubby... well, she complains quite a bit about him already and even though hes a decent guy on the surface Im not sold on him yet. I get what you are saying though, I dont want my life ruined but I dont believe that will be the result. NO affair would ever result from this. It realy does feel like a big bro/little sis thing. But I cant stop wondering how shes doing and all that.

 

Rick Fox - I disagree. I AM getting something out of this. A fun, caring person to hang with and share life with. Someone I can tell anything to. Someone that cares about me and is interested in my life. It very well could be an obsession. Thats what I was wondering myself.

 

devilish - Oh shes not perfect...who is? The key is that with what shes been through she has every reason to have just played the "victim" card like so many divorced women do. Ya know, get on the Govt programs, work as a cashier part time somewhere, live in squalor and complain about how their ex-hubby ruined their life. I know the types. Not her though. She worked two jobs to get through school, keeps the reltionship with her ex hubby stable for her daughters benefit, and somehow has managed to make something of herself with NO assistance or help at all. She always seems to put someone else first. Its damned admirable. And, since I was a spoiled brat most of my life I tend to empathize even more with her because of my privileged upbringing/baby Huey syndrome.

 

Walker69 - I hear ya man. Sounds like you think Im just plain old "in love" and am trying to call it something else. Thats possible - but why is sex or intimacy with her never on my mind? Its like, Id rather cuddle and hold her tight like a Mother bear would a small cub or something. Protecting her from the ills of the world. Being her bodygaurd, stuff like that. For example, when her boss gives her a hard time it makes me feel like walking into her Boss's office and punching her! How dare you "mess with my lil sis!" Or, if we are at lunch and some scummy dude is staring her down I so want to walk up to him and ask "what the @#$% are you looking at?". Crazy!

 

Every other time Ive been in love or had a crush, sex and romantic thoughts always crossed my mind. Always! Thats why this is stumping me. I want to be her Superman.... and keep Lex Luthor away from her, ya know? Its effed up. Ive shared most of this story with my wife too and she doesnt have a problem with it. She knows that Ive been trying to change my ways and be a better person so trying to be helpful isnt a surprise to her.

 

Simply breaking off all contact isnt going to work. She trusts me as a friend and would immediately wonder what the heck is goin on if I just stop talking to her. heck, that might make her wonder if I am in love with her which is NOT what I want her to think. Its a fruitful relationship that I'd hate to throw away just for what could be nothing. And, as I said, the four of us do hang out and seem to have a good time together. Its not awkward or anything. Its like - what will be awkward is us suddenly breaking off contact with them without a real reason.

 

But, it sounds like most of you feel that it wont go away by itself over time and that it might get worse? That sucks too.

 

Walker69 - How did you end your contact with this person? Just abruptly? Did you tell her the truth? Did she wonder WTF was up? Did she try to get more info out of you? Im interested in how you broke away....

 

Thanks again everyone - getting this out there has helped a lot already. I DO still love my wife and when im intimate with my wife I do NOT think of this other girl at all. I would just hate to end this entire friendship over what could just be natural "nurturing" feelings or that big bro thing. Her fiancee is OK but like I said, he aint all that. Hes a "safe" choice for her versus her rogue, "tough guy" ex hubby. Hes a chubby geek and she admits hes not even that atractive. But, hes safe. I think hes going to bore her to death but we'll see. make her watch Star Trek all day or whatever.

 

Thanks again, bounce back here with any additonal comments.

[Mcle]

Don't tell the coworker about your crush, tell your wife. It is normal to develop crushes while married, you are still human and you find this woman admirable. Tell your wife how you feel. That will likely break the spell.

[Iguanna]

I'm really sorry to say that this story will not end in a good way for you, your wife, your marriage. I can understand everything you say, I can feel what you feel, 16 years of marriage is a lot, boredom and routine have come i'm sure, maybe you feel you are growing up and you may not be very satisfied from life, but well, who can say that they are totally satisfied from life? I can see that you are searching for a new interest, maybe your marriage doesn't give you everything you need and it's natural after so many years, some people get bored in a couple of years already.. But you know inside you that what you are doing is DANGEROUS and it will end badly. I can't give a name to what you are feeling, all I can say is that this story has only one ending: people getting hurt and feeling betrayed. This woman has chosen another man to love, to live with, to marry, this man is the one who comforts her, who is there for her, who makes love to her, who makes her laugh, with whom she dreams, and this man is not you my friend. And then someone will ask, can't a married person have a friend of the opposite sex? Yes they can, but the circumstances have to be really special, there must be rules never to be broken, and you know better than me that you have broken all the rules of friendship here. I'm really sorry to say and you know it yourself, you have to end this. If she was single and she had feelings for you as well, then the situation would be different, but now you will only hurt people by staying friends with her. She doesn't need a hero, she needs a friend and we both know you can't be one... (I'm sorry if I'm cruel but you need a realistic point of view...)

[experiencethedevine]

Ask your wife if she would think this a great friendship.....................

[whichwayisup]

I AM getting something out of this. A fun, caring person to hang with and share life with. Someone I can tell anything to. Someone that cares about me and is interested in my life. It very well could be an obsession. Thats what I was wondering myself.

 

That person should be your wife, not another woman.

 

Sorry but you're in some serious denial. Whether or not you feel what you're doing is right or wrong, it IS inappropriate and I'm sure your wife would not be happy if she knew how strongly you felt towards another woman.

 

Obsessions are not healthy. You cannot see it but the damage being done is happening.

 

Has your wife met her? have you all gone out for dinner?

 

Anyway, this friendship is unhealthy. I have some male friends I'm close to, I truly care about them too, like brothers - But, there's no inappropriate closeness going on. We are not bonding the way you're bonding with her. Being obsessed is not friendship, wanting to be her hero, to save her, is about you, not her and that's one sided and selfish. Sorry but I think you're in deep and fooling yourself.

 

Oh and the friendship can end, easily! You're just afraid of letting her go.

[whichwayisup]

Her fiancee is OK but like I said, he aint all that. Hes a "safe" choice for her versus her rogue, "tough guy" ex hubby. Hes a chubby geek and she admits hes not even that atractive. But, hes safe. I think hes going to bore her to death but we'll see. make her watch Star Trek all day or whatever.

 

Just because she has told you this, doesn't mean it's true. I'm sure she likes to hear what you have to say, pump up her ego. Complaining about your spouses to one another in this situation is not cool at all. It's too easy to get caught up in the negatives and console one another, and bond. Which IS what is happening.

 

You may find faults in him and not like him, but you do not know him at all like she does. I mean, why would she re-marry if she wasn't in love? Why get married to someone who is boring, chubby and she's not attracted to him? That makes no sense at all.

 

She ain't stupid either, she knows you're into her. Trust me on that!!!

[Mr. Lizard]

I'm really sorry to say that this story will not end in a good way for you, your wife, your marriage. I can understand everything you say, I can feel what you feel, 16 years of marriage is a lot, boredom and routine have come i'm sure, maybe you feel you are growing up and you may not be very satisfied from life, but well, who can say that they are totally satisfied from life? I can see that you are searching for a new interest, maybe your marriage doesn't give you everything you need and it's natural after so many years, some people get bored in a couple of years already.. But you know inside you that what you are doing is DANGEROUS and it will end badly. I can't give a name to what you are feeling, all I can say is that this story has only one ending: people getting hurt and feeling betrayed. This woman has chosen another man to love, to live with, to marry, this man is the one who comforts her, who is there for her, who makes love to her, who makes her laugh, with whom she dreams, and this man is not you my friend. And then someone will ask, can't a married person have a friend of the opposite sex? Yes they can, but the circumstances have to be really special, there must be rules never to be broken, and you know better than me that you have broken all the rules of friendship here. I'm really sorry to say and you know it yourself, you have to end this. If she was single and she had feelings for you as well, then the situation would be different, but now you will only hurt people by staying friends with her. She doesn't need a hero, she needs a friend and we both know you can't be one... (I'm sorry if I'm cruel but you need a realistic point of view...)

 

I appreciate your frankness. I didn't come here to get things sugar coated. I would ask though... What real rules have I broken? I've never come onto her, never made any kind of pass, never told her anything of the sort, nothing at all that would really be inappropriate. I agree that thinking about her off hours isn't a good thing so we could say I broke that rule. But, I suspect she'd react quite differently if I was truly invading her space too much or being too agressive.

 

I agree she doesn't need a hero. I really do think I'm a friend though. There are times I WANT to be that hero and did wonder if my feelings are different than a crush or being in love. Guess it doesn't matter what we call it. In your eyes, this can't end good. I don't quite agree but your points are well taken.

 

That person should be your wife, not another woman.

 

Sorry but you're in some serious denial. Whether or not you feel what you're doing is right or wrong, it IS inappropriate and I'm sure your wife would not be happy if she knew how strongly you felt towards another woman.

 

Obsessions are not healthy. You cannot see it but the damage being done is happening.

 

Has your wife met her? have you all gone out for dinner?

 

Anyway, this friendship is unhealthy. I have some male friends I'm close to, I truly care about them too, like brothers - But, there's no inappropriate closeness going on. We are not bonding the way you're bonding with her. Being obsessed is not friendship, wanting to be her hero, to save her, is about you, not her and that's one sided and selfish. Sorry but I think you're in deep and fooling yourself.

 

Oh and the friendship can end, easily! You're just afraid of letting her go.

 

Yes, we have all hung out together 5-6 times since last summer. We switch houses. Just kind of hang out, talk, have a few drinks, campfire, euchre, crap like that. It never feels wrong and we do get along with them.

 

I don't feel that the bonding is really inappropriate but I respect your take on it. I think we just are on the same page with lots of things and tend to enjoy one another's company. But, yeah, it DOES seem wrong....on some level. It sucks because if she was a guy this wouldn't even be an issue. That's what's tough about female friends. I have one other close one too but don't feel the same way towards her. Maybe I'm in denial and this is just a straight out crush?

 

The friendship could end but I have a feeling that just her and I would be hurt. Sure, that's better than our spouses being hurt but it still stinks that it's so damned hard to have female friends and walk this tightrope. I don't bond as well with my guy friends and they certainly are not good to talk to about stuff. Well, I got some thinking to do. Most advice sees this as being dangerous and even though I don't, I came here for objective advice and you are giving it to me. I appreciate it.

 

Just because she has told you this, doesn't mean it's true. I'm sure she likes to hear what you have to say, pump up her ego. Complaining about your spouses to one another in this situation is not cool at all. It's too easy to get caught up in the negatives and console one another, and bond. Which IS what is happening.

 

You may find faults in him and not like him, but you do not know him at all like she does. I mean, why would she re-marry if she wasn't in love? Why get married to someone who is boring, chubby and she's not attracted to him? That makes no sense at all.

 

She ain't stupid either, she knows you're into her. Trust me on that!!!

 

Interesting point about complaining about spouses to get your ego pumped by someone else. Yeah, that makes sense. Kind of a "grass is always greener" type of thing.

 

As for her fiancée, I'm just going by what she tells not only me but is rather vocal about his issues around everyone at work. He's a larger guy and isn't in good shape. She's into fitness and is in good shape. He doesn't like to do much, shes the adventurous type. She really does vent about him around us at work. We usually bust her chops and say "well, hurry up and get married" or whatever. Like I said, he is a very SAFE choice since her last marriage was a high risk, hothead who was built well and masculine but he was an a-hole. Oh and of course, her fiancée makes very good money and her ex didn't. That's prolly got something to do with it. If he made $27k a year I suspect it's a no go deal.

 

Your last comment caught me off guard and was quite intriguing. You think she either knows or suspects I have a crush or whatever we want to call it on her? That's scary. I'd think her behavior would change or some indication that she was uncomfortable would rise to the surface. I've told her before she's a good friend but have never hinted at anything else. It's not like she knows I'm thinking about her quite a lot, she can't get in my head at night to see that! But, maybe she likes the attention or something? Honestly, I really don't feel any pushback or apprehension from her. I'd tell you folks and that would send a clear signal to back off.

 

Ugh, it's just so easy to say drop the whole thing but a transfer or job change is simply not in the cards right now. But, this is a tough crowd here and I must admit that you are all making me look deeper at this. I just get confused because we are NOT in an affair and not making advances at one another romantically. We are bonding at times and sharing time together but it doesn't seem wrong. I got some thinking to do. Thanks all.

Edited November 18, 2013 by Mr. Lizard

[Journee]

How comfortable would you be if your wife were this caught up about another man? Yo the point she wanted to rescue him and take care of him. To the point of being confused about her feelings for him. Daydreaming about him. Posting online about him. How comfortable would you be with that scenario?

 

You should really think about this. Friendships can take very sharp turns and crash right into being an affair.

 

I find you picking apart her future husband concerning. Even if he is out of shape or boring.... that's who she is going to marry. Whether it's for his check or his safe factor is not any of your concern because you already have a marriage to worry about, your own. You are tearing her fiance down in your post for what? It changes none of the facts. You are married and she is taken. Your friendship certainly is inappropriate on your end. How you are missing that , I'm not sure.

 

If you would focus all this extra energy into your marriage and your wife maybe you could have a wonderful friendship with her. Your wife should be your best female friend ideally.

 

You have admitted in your OP that you have thought about sex with this friend. If she tipped her hand to you and you got the response I think you want, I have little doubt you would turn her away. That is the worrisome bit. Again, if your wife were thinking and feeling this way would you view it as inappropriate? If thoughts of another man penetrating her is not inappropriate then I guess your thoughts of your friend are not either.

 

I hope you really digest some of the things that are being said here by several posters instead of explaining away everything. This could really save you a lot of grief.

[waterwoman]

It doesn't matter what you call this, it's disrespectful to your wife and risky to your marriage.

 

Can men and women be 'just friends', yes, of course, but you are already past the point of just friendship. You are itching to be her knight in shining armour. It won't take long for feelings (on either side) to develop further, for one or both of you to say I love you, for touching and kissing...et voila.....

 

How do I know? Because H was where you are 2 years ago. And I was where you are 20 years ago but I had the sense to pull back (and leave my job) before I got as far as H. H's OW was a true damsel in distress like your friend, she had a child from a previous failed relationship, and a child with her current bf (who was controlling and abusive) and had just married him (for reasons known only to herself ). She and my H worked together and she began telling him her problems and they got closer and closer, lots of texting, I love you, kissing and making out.

 

I found out and not to over egg the pudding, it broke my heart. Because heres the thing H didn't know and it seems you don't either, your wife is probably in need of a kinight in shining armour, she is also aware that her marriage is a bit dull and in need of a polish, she wants someone to come and along and romance her, to make her feel special, to feel a connection with. And it should be YOU. I needed all that and H was giving it to someone else. Oh he still loved me, he knows he can't live without me, he still wants and needs me, but she was getting all the perks. I was utterly lonely and bereft and didn't know why.

 

Don't do this. Your friend is making her own choices, bad as they might be they are hers to make. Don't try to save her, focus on your wife because whatever your feelings are about your marriage I can guarantee she feels the same.

 

Sorry for the essay but it freaks me our how easily things start from this sort of relationship which can seem so innocent. Watch out. Turn your care and attention back on your wife.

[Iguanna]

I want to talk about some issues that you brought up. First of all regarding the guy she is gonna marry, you think he's boring, he's fat (yes, don't try to make it sound better), and in less words you think she could find better. It's normal to have this kind of thinking, many times we catch ourselves wondering about a couple that is not that matching "what the hell is he seeing in her?" or the opposite. Well over the years I have come to the conclusion that we can't know exactly what is happening in other people's relationships. Especially for women in general I think it's common for them to have a "wild" life till some age (30 more or less), being with wrong guys that make them suffer but hey, they are exciting and passionate, and when they get more mature and they start to think about the need of a baby, they settle down and want to find the right guy to be a good parent firstly and then lover or friend or good looking person. So I find it really natural that this woman who was abused from her ex husband wants to find now a guy who may be boring or not really good looking but he comforts her, he loves her, he tries to give her everything, make her happy. Do you think these things are easy to find these days? When someone finds a person like this, they have to grab him tight and never let him go in my opinion. I really believe that this woman is happy with this man, even though he seems dull to you.

 

You asked me what I think you are doing wrong and what rules you have broken. I think that inside you you know that kissing her or having sex with her is not the only way not even the most serious way to break the rules. As a woman I can tell you that I would mind and suffer wayyyyy more if my husband or my boyfriend would FEEL for a woman they way he should feel about me rather than even having sex with her without feelings. You have written all these posts and you haven't yet mentioned your wife. How is your relationship with her? Is she a good person? Are you still in love with her? How is life with her? Don't get me wrong, I never think that once someone gets married they must stay in this wedding forever if it's not good. Marriage should not make us slaves in it. This doesn't mean of course that someone should quit with the first difficulty, but if they try and try and nothing changes, nobody should suffer or feel bad or go on living being miserable. What I want to say is, if you think that you are not in love with your wife anymore, she is not the person you want to continue living and spending your life with, the honorable thing would be that you talk to her and figure out a solution or divorcing. But if this has began after your"friendship" with this coworker, this must show you that you have made a bad thing which is compare your wife to another woman and that's unfair to say the least for her. All in all I want to say that, if you want to leave your wife, this has to be done without you getting involved with another woman, if you want to be fair.

 

Other than that, you still don't seem to understand that this friendship you have with this other woman is bad for your marriage and her relationship also. You are giving excuses to yourself "but I haven't showed her anything!" "but I act normally!" "but we are just friends! can't we be friends?", while you must know that these excuses are weak and you know that you are so much close to making the next step. Firstly you will admit to yourself if you read your posts that all the things you feel for this woman you should feel them for your wife instead (be her hero, make her happy etc). Secondly, I think this woman knows what you are feeling but she doesn't want to do something about it maybe out of guilt for your wife or maybe cause she just sees you as a friend. It's always nice for a woman to know she is admired and loved, even from men she doesn't see sexually.

 

There is also one chance that you will be able in the future to keep this relationship strictly as a friendship. Even like this, you have betrayed your wife already. It's not possible that you don't see it, you just deny it to yourself. And you'll understand what I'm saying if you picture one scenario: tell your wife about the feelings you have for this woman. Can you imagine that? Can you imagine that she reads this thread you made? How will she feel? Will she feel betrayed and sad or will she say "ok you haven't done anything bad - yet - so I forgive you"? If you try to guess her reaction, you'll know if you have really broken any rules or not...

[RickFox]

It doesn't matter what you call this, it's disrespectful to your wife and risky to your marriage.

 

Can men and women be 'just friends', yes, of course, but you are already past the point of just friendship. You are itching to be her knight in shining armour. It won't take long for feelings (on either side) to develop further, for one or both of you to say I love you, for touching and kissing...et voila.....

 

How do I know? Because H was where you are 2 years ago. And I was where you are 20 years ago but I had the sense to pull back (and leave my job) before I got as far as H. H's OW was a true damsel in distress like your friend, she had a child from a previous failed relationship, and a child with her current bf (who was controlling and abusbuby cry ct,ive) and had just married him (for reasons known only to herself ). She and my H worked together and she began telling him her problems and they got closer and closer, lots of texting, I love you, kissing and making out.

 

I found out and not to over egg the pudding, it broke my heart. Because heres the thing H didn't know and it seems you don't either, your wife is probably in need of a kinight in shining armour, she is also aware that her marriage is a bit dull and in need of a polish, she wants someone to come and along and romance her, to make her feel special, to feel a connection with. And it should be YOU. I needed all that and H was giving it to someone else. Oh he still loved me, he knows he can't live without me, he still wants and needs me, but she was getting all the perks. I was utterly lonely and bereft and didn't know why.

 

Don't do this. Your friend is making her own choices, bad as they might be they are hers to make. Don't try to save her, focus on your wife because whatever your feelings are about your marriage I can guarantee she feels the same.

 

Sorry for the essay but it freaks me our how easily things start from this sort of relationship which can seem so innocent. Watch out. Turn your care and attention back on your wife.

 

exactly how my wife felt..... breaks my heart I hurt her like that

[Mr. Lizard]

Well, well. Tough crowd here. That's OK though. Maybe I need that. I really don't believe this is heading for anything bad and it's something that I can work on to make it acceptable. Wishful thinking? Maybe so, but it's just not possible for me to show up at work and simply tell her to leave me alone and never talk to her again. What the hell is that? It's unrealistic is what it is.

 

My wife is aware of the situation and she knows I have a spot for this girl in my heart. She has asked me if I have a crush on her and I replied no which I believe is true. I have "something" for her but it's not like what some here may be thinking.

 

Today at work I made sure to not overdo it with her though. We didn't do lunch together and although we did our usual talking and some ball busting it was with others in our work group for the most part. I really did concentrate on not smothering her but I didn't make it too obvious that I was sort of avoiding her a little too. So, yes I HAVE taken some of the advice given here. I am really working on this and I do not want to leave my wife for this girl or anyone else. Just talking about it here on this forum has helped a bunch already.

 

What I would really like to do is:

 

1) keep her as a friend because we both benefit from it and it would hurt us both to nuke it over my puppy love/ big brother feelings towards her. I'm not ditching her or quitting my job. No freegin way. What I can do is chill a bit on the day to day hanging out. Scale it back a bit. Not make it an all day thing. Just don't want her to think something is up.

 

2) understand that this isn't going anywhere romantically so any thoughts in that regard that happen to pop in my head from time to time are fruitless and a waste of energy.

 

3) make sure I take good care of wifey and comfort her by getting this all out on the table so we can work through it.

 

I still don't believe I have an actual crush on this woman. I have..... Something that is still yet undefined.

 

I'll keep ya posted. Thanks for everyone's good comments. Hopefully I can reciprocate the advice or attention for you on these forums sometime?

[whichwayisup]

You're way too emotionally attached to her for your own good.

 

And, it has done damage. I'm sure you're much more emotionally attached to her than you are to your own wife. Don't have to answer that one, just give it some deep thought and be real with yourself.

[Walker69]

Reply to your question Mr Lizard - how we ended up no contact?

It's not me, it's her who imposed NC. I confessed to her about my feeling honestly, then she ended up NC. Good for me, good for her, good for everyone. Now I doubt that she had any such feeling to me at any point, I don't know, it's hardest thing to understand is woman's mind - I probably don't care now. Just a guilt feeling, that's all I have now.

 

As a man when you feel a woman such way, it must have a destination. Destination is love. When you would realize that big bro, you would already in mess which would be created by you.

 

I wish that it would socially accepted that a man would be in love with 2 W - at least for once in a lifetime for some months. Then I would know how it would feel.

[Mr. Lizard]

You're way too emotionally attached to her for your own good.

 

And, it has done damage. I'm sure you're much more emotionally attached to her than you are to your own wife. Don't have to answer that one, just give it some deep thought and be real with yourself.

 

Yeah, that's fair to say. I'm not sold on the fact that it's romantic or sexual in nature at all but either way, I sure am emotionally attached to her. This stinks. I can't imagine not talking to her again. Makes me ill thinking about it. And, despite what you all might think her and I really DO get along well as friends, just like a couple of guys would. The four of us( her, me, wifey and her hubby) hang out and do some things together. I assume you all think I need to chuck that out the window too? That's fine.... It's just more tough medicine for me.

 

Man oh man.... I hate this. I soooooo want it to be like it was when she first started working with me. We were the exact same as now except I didn't have these damned feelings. Ugh!

 

Reply to your question Mr Lizard - how we ended up no contact?

It's not me, it's her who imposed NC. I confessed to her about my feeling honestly, then she ended up NC. Good for me, good for her, good for everyone. Now I doubt that she had any such feeling to me at any point, I don't know, it's hardest thing to understand is woman's mind - I probably don't care now. Just a guilt feeling, that's all I have now.

 

As a man when you feel a woman such way, it must have a destination. Destination is love. When you would realize that big bro, you would already in mess which would be created by you.

 

I wish that it would socially accepted that a man would be in love with 2 W - at least for once in a lifetime for some months. Then I would know how it would feel.

 

Ahhhh, so she ultimately broke it off after you revealed your cards. That must have been tough, my man. If I told this woman that I had feelings for her outside of friendship I'm not sure what she would do. I HAVE told her that I care for her a lot and she said the same thing about me but I know her feelings are not romantic and she has no idea mine are either.

 

Yeah, once again, this is tough to swallow for me. I enjoy coming to work and bustin chops, having her make me laugh, all that stuff. I suppose the destination is love and I may be there already. It just feels like I want gratitude and recognition from her more than plain old affection which falls in line with my limerence theory. Limerence sufferers are looking for gratification, thanks, things like that from their limerent object. I dunno, that's what I read anyways.

 

Ya know, in some ways the best case scenario would be for me to have my cake and eat it. Stay with wifey whom I DO love but also find a way to share some of my life with this other girl too. I just can't bear the thought of completely eliminating her from her life.

 

Thanks all..... TTYL.

Edited November 19, 2013 by Mr. Lizard

[whichwayisup]

I think you might benefit from talking to a therapist to sort this out. Whatever it is that you feel (and I DO believe my dear, you've fallen in love and have a connection her) is only going to grow and get stronger. And with that said, it WILL do a lot of damage to what you feel towards your own wife.

 

Re read your recent reply carefully.

[Mcle]

I agree with the above poster. You are already cheating on your wife. For you this is an emotional affair. IDK what it is for the OW/friend. It sounds like she likes attention. I think she likes getting extra attention from you to make her feel good and pump her ego.

 

For you though it is more. All your mental energy is centered on her. You are idealizing her as this perfect woman with no thought for your wife at all. Your wife certainly feels it but likely does not know what the deal is. That is so unfair to her.

 

I bet you compare and contrast this friend to your wife in your head and your wife falls short in your eyes. If you do you are on a dangerous road. If your wife accidentally found these posts your marriage as you know it is over. And it is highly unlikely this "friend" would then be yours for the taking.

 

If you cannot get far away from this girl your marriage is over.

[Walker69]

 

I just can't bear the thought of completely eliminating her from her life.

TTYL.

 

That confirms that you are in love.

She wants and like your attention. I wish I had such big sister kind of person in my life!

[Mr. Lizard]

Ugh. Damnit. You guys and gals are correct. No more BS here. I can't talk my way out of it. Sorry to have been in such denial.

 

I think I'm madly in love with this girl. I'm head over heels for her. I've been trying to get out of it and was hoping to find some other thing to call it. Just sucks. I absolutely do NOT want this either. Alls it can do is cause pain for people around me. Oh and speaking of pain...

 

My insides have been being ripped out over the last year so slowly that I hardly noticed. Then, one day it hit me. Her voice, her perfume or whatever it is, her demeanor, everything. Drives me nuts. Honestly I do not think about sex with her though. I'm much more interested in cuddling with her for oh about 72 hours straight. Like a little bear cub clinging to its mother. Oh gawd, why is this happening to me? Why now? She has turned me into a pile of whimpering mush. Of course alls I see is the good because in my eyes she only has good to offer. Like an earthbound angel. A princess. Plus, to make matters worse, she's come from a tough background and childhood which just makes me want to spoil her more and throws gas on the already hot fire. Unbelievable. It's consuming me.

 

Is everyone saying that this will never go away by itself at some point? I mean, doesn't this kind of thing fade out when you know that nothing is ever going to come of it? I would think and hope so. The job market is tough and I like my job and other co workers. I've established myself here and don't want to start over somewhere else just because of this. I MUST make this work(meaning feelings go way) somehow without bailing on the job.

 

Will it or can it be made to go away?

 

This is the worst thing ever..... Just killing me in so many ways.

Edited November 20, 2013 by Mr. Lizard

[RickFox]

I was going to tell you the same thing as the above posters, but you've finally acknowledged it.

 

Bottom line, I've posted my story, but saw a woman at my daughter's school, never thought her my type, our kids were best friends and we found out. Her H, me and my W all hung out together, we had dinner, went to movies with our kids, were at each other's houses but silly me, she and I were "just friends", she didn't see me as someone she would be attracted to, or so I thought.

 

We hung out all the time together, we always came to the school a bit earlier than necessary, 15-30 minutes earlier, so we could talk. But we were just friends and I couldn't figure out why I couldn't wait to talk to her, couldn't wait to see her, because she just wasn't my type, she was just cool, we talked about it all and she was concerned when I was injured on the job and we were called "snark buddies" by her H, so we were just friends, that's it.

 

And when my W asked me to discontinue the friendship, when she said she didn't like the fact that she made plans thru me and not calling her, that she was at our house with her kid when she came home, that there was more to this than a friendship, I scoffed, WE WERE JUST FRIENDS!! I couldn't bare losing her from my life, I loved the way she smelled and laughed at my stupidity, and it went on and on. Just friends though, she wasn't interested in me, not like that....until.....

 

The day she suggested we go to lunch, the flirting had increased, I finally saw it, but nah, she wouldn't catch on, her flirting was innocent, nothing meant by it, and then she said she thought I was hot and I told her the same and then we were in it, head over heels I was, she says she was too....couldnt keep our hands off each other, went nuts without her, looked at my wife as an evil person, someone who was in the way of my destiny to be with this goddess who was ten years younger than me.... and then dday, my W found out, but did not tell her H and then I was left there, no more wonderful girlfriend, she bailed ran back home, told me to never talk to her again.... safety and security over love/lust and uncertainty and there I was, trying to figure it all out, how it progressed to that, how I didn't see it coming and how to repair a marriage that wasn't all that bad to begin with.........

 

All these things you mention, how you feel around her, how she smells, how you love it all....those are for your wife, for your family, and yes, you can cut it off, in a heartbeat, but like me, you don't want to, but you are heading down a path that can cause everyone involved great pain and despair. Just because you don't think she has feelings for you or is enthralled with the attention and it won't go anywhere, doesn't mean jack squat because if she showed you she wanted you in any way, those feelings of wanting to cuddle would disappear and you would mount that woman like she was the winning horse at the Kentucky Derby.

 

Stop it now, before it all comes crashing down, but you probably won't listen, just like all my buddies who knew what I was thinking, they said, don't do it, it's trouble, don't do it.........but I did it and Ive been suffering ever since.

 

I hope you figure it all out, either let your wife go and find happiness, or make her your best friend again and let tihs woman, who you don't really know, have no big history with, and owe no loyalty to.....let her go on her way.