Girlfriend slept with others during break up, how to cope?

[TheGuy300]

I'll make this short. Before I say anything I do understand a lot of this is my fault and I just want to move on with my relationship with my girlfriend I really do love her and I just want some advice on getting over my jealousy.

 

 

 

I met a girl she's 20 and I'm 22 almost two years ago. I ended up taking her virginity and she was my second. After 10 months I didn't know what I wanted and I broke it off from her. Two months later we started sleeping together again it was pretty much a relationship with out the title. During this time I know I loved her and I just couldn't commit to her and I just kept saying how it's okay to see other people and stuff and she always said how she couldn't and wouldn't because she loved me. Come September this year she went off to school. She came back during Canadian thanksgiving weekend and we continued doing our thing. I again reassured her it was okay to see other people as we aren't in a relationship. I almost believe I wouldn't care and used it as a thing to fall back on if I ever did see other people.

 

A week later I attempt to talk to her like I always do and she then tells me she has to tell me something. She said she went on a date with a guy and liked him and that they didn't do anything which happened over the weekend and this conversation was Sunday night. As soon as she told me that I completely felt every single emotion at once and I let it all out on how much I really do love her and how I want her back and long story short I begged for her back.

 

She then calls my phone and starts crying saying I wouldn't want her back for what she has done. She then tells me that she had slept with a mutual friend during our two months break up. But, the same day we started sleeping together was the same day she slept with him. I was blind at the time and said I didn't care and said I still want her back. She keeps crying and says this is too much and needs to think about it. I couldn't sleep all night and waited for her to call and she called at 9 am and said she has to tell me something else on top of that. She tells me she had slept with the guy she went on a date with. Once at night and in the morning of Saturday. I tell her I haven't been with another girl let alone kiss one since we have started dating almost two years ago. So hearing this hurt even more but that was my choice as all I could think about was her when ever I went out. Anyway I felt hit in the gut but all I could think about was having her back. She says she wants to so bad and she loves me so much and we end up talking and now are in a relationship for almost a month.

 

 

Over this month we have talked and talked about what happened with these two guys. My so called friend is a man whore as I knew and she told me word for word what happened telling me he called her and said she should come over and he then was pushy and eventually they slept together. He later said that was the most awkward ever and tells her hes never going to tell anyone and if she tells me that she is a liar. This dude goes for vulnerable girls and cheats on every girlfriend he has because of mother issues he has had I believe. She told me she wanted to know if she could get over me because she loved me and I broke her heart breaking up with her. She told me everything on how she felt dirty and filthy after and coming to me later that day was to make her feel safe.

 

The other guy was a college guy that also used her and later she found out he was a notch in the belt kinda guy and she was starting to like him at the time. And that she regrets it with him too and she gave me details that for some reason I wanted to hear but at the same time I don't know why I did.

 

At this point I love the girl. I know she didn't sleep with these guys just for sex she wanted comfort and a relationship and not go to bed crying about me all the time. I trust her fully in what she did and I don't hold too much against her.

 

Now at this point, all I can think about is her being with other guys. I know this would be different if she had slept with other guys before me but for some reason being her first and all this time thinking it was only me that has been with her has really hit me hard and I don't know why. I don't think about it as much now and it doesn't hurt as much as it did at first but it's still in my head and I don't want it to come into our relationship anymore. She tells me to ask any question I have about what happened with them and she will tell me everything and I believe her and trust her. I just want to get over what was mainly my fault and to get over the fact she has been with other people.

Edited November 17, 2013 by TheGuy300

[2fargone]

You seem pretty selfish to be honest. You don't own her, you practicly pushed her into it.

 

 

You blame the two guys. Blame yourself, deal with it. That's how you get over it.

[TheGuy300]

I am selfish and I did push her. The one guy DID do something wrong. He buttered her up and used her and kicked her to the curb. He texted her for a month straight these nice sweet things and as soon as he got what he wanted he completely cut communications with her. This is my former friend who I completely disconnected from. But, besides that I just want to get this all out of my head. Not the fact I pushed her to it I'll have to live with that. Just how you said it. I want ways to get over being so selfish. It's a problem I have with everything and I don't want it to hurt my relationship again.

Edited November 17, 2013 by TheGuy300

[Mcle]

You get over being selfish by thinking of others feelings before your own if you love them. Do you really live this girl or are you just pissed that other guys drove your possession. You are not upset because you care about her feelings, you are upset because others used your "possession" without your permission.

[r321148]

So.... you dumped her. Used her as a friend with benefits. Told her she could see other people and then got annoyed when she did just that?

 

You don't have any right to be annoyed at her. Or the other guys. They were just doing what they do and the only reason you care is because it was with "your" girl.

 

There are only really two options here:

1) "forgive" and forget and don't ever mention it again. (I say "forgive" like this as I don't think she did anything wrong). Only you can work out whether you have the ability to do this.

2) set her free. If you're going to bear a grudge then this will never be a happy relationship and will be no good for either of you.

[Kate9292]

I just kept saying how it's okay to see other people and stuff

 

I again reassured her it was okay to see other people as we aren't in a relationship.

 

So you have a problem with the very thing you assured her multiple times that was okay?

 

Or apparently it was only okay for you to do and not for her?

[Eggplant]

As soon as she told me that I completely felt every single emotion at once and I let it all out on how much I really do love her and how I want her back and long story short I begged for her back.

You don't know what you (don't) have until it's gone. You had dibs on her, but you didn't want her. Now that somebody else wants her, you want her. Ladies, pay attention to this phenomenon.

[Arty54]

The truth is 'what's done is done' and you cannot change that.

In life you will learn to live with things and accept them for what they are or you won't, when you can't accept you have to live with the consequences.

If you REALLY want this girl then accept it and live with it, BUT do not mention it or bring it up again because it will eventfully be the downfall of your relationship!

Accept it and embrace and enjoy her/each other.

[TheGuy300]

Thanks for all these responses. I know this is my fault and I fully realize that. It's a different situation when it comes to bringing it up with her. We have a different kind of mind set about it.

 

Both the guys slept with her when she was confused and vulnerable. I don't blame one as much. But, my friend used her. He really did do something wrong. He was there for her until he got what he wanted. He stopped talking to her after he slept with her and on top of that told her it was the most awkward sex he's had. Then told her he would never speak of it and tell anyone who she told that she was a liar and that it never happened. That pains me inside to hear that especially from a so called friend. I should of saw it coming he always does this with girls he goes for them when they are vulnerable and then leaves them. She said she felt like dirt for doing it. She worked the day and called me and asked me to get her that same day. I ended up sleeping with her the same day as him. I didn't know and she didn't tell me till a month ago. She started crying telling me she hated it the whole time and that it just reinforced how much she really did love me. Which helped a lot and I really don't think of that much.

 

 

She told me in detail on how it lead up to my friend and the other guy. I don't blame her for it. I don't have a grudge against her for it. I just want to stop thinking about it. I'm selfish in a way that its hard for me to think of her being with other people. But, I love her to much to use it as a reason to not be with her. I've been with her a month now and I think of it less and less every day. But, it still comes into my head all these scenarios. She constantly tells me if I need to talk about it that I should. And keeps telling me how bad it was with both of them and how she wishes she could take it all back. That helps so much she is an amazing person.

 

But, its just hits me once in a while and when it does it's hard and I just want to it to stop. She is always there for me for it and I have no reason to think about it anymore but its still lingering and just want to leave it in the past. Is this something time only heals? Also, this may also have a huge effect on things. She is in school 12 hours away from here. I haven't physically seen her besides skype in this month. All of our talks and stuff have been via phone or skyping. Maybe once I finally see her it will be settled?

[sidney2718]

If you two are together now, your continual dwelling on what happened while you were apart is going to destroy the relationship. You owe it to her to put it behind you. You urged her to try other guys and she did. You cannot now complain about their methods or techniques.

 

She seems to really care for you. And you seem to really care for her. Put this behind you NOW.

 

That's the best advice I can give.

[r321148]

Both the guys slept with her when she was confused and vulnerable. I don't blame one as much. But, my friend used her.

 

She told me in detail on how it lead up to my friend and the other guy. I don't blame her for it. I don't have a grudge against her for it. I just want to stop thinking about it. I'm selfish in a way that its hard for me to think of her being with other people. But, I love her to much to use it as a reason to not be with her. I've been with her a month now and I think of it less and less every day. But, it still comes into my head all these scenarios. She constantly tells me if I need to talk about it that I should. And keeps telling me how bad it was with both of them and how she wishes she could take it all back. That helps so much she is an amazing person.

 

But, its just hits me once in a while and when it does it's hard and I just want to it to stop. She is always there for me for it and I have no reason to think about it anymore but its still lingering and just want to leave it in the past. Is this something time only heals? Also, this may also have a huge effect on things. She is in school 12 hours away from here. I haven't physically seen her besides skype in this month. All of our talks and stuff have been via phone or skyping. Maybe once I finally see her it will be settled?

 

The first point isn't really valid. You know what your (former) friend is like. Presumably he had done that to girls before and you had no problem with it. When it was "your" girl it becomes an issue. Except she wasn't really your girl as you told her to try other people.

 

Only you can really answer the question of whether you can move past it. Yes time will help but how much time will vary from person to person. Only you know yourself and only you have the power to put it behind you.

Maybe the best thing to do is to create some new happy memories with her. Take a nice trip somewhere or do something nice together.

 

Final point. I think the bit in bold is what you should keep on reminding yourself. It's good that you think this way and just keep that thought to the front of your mind.

Good luck

[Shaine]

I think the girl here is the victim. I pity your gf.

 

You dumped her. And told her she's free to date other people. Im in this same situation. My bf dumped me and told me to entertain other men. I felt lost, depressed, panicked. There's a void inside of me that needs to be filled.

 

I think that's why your gf slept with other men. To find comfort, to find someone who will show care and concern. She didnt mean to sleep with thwm. Those men tricked her!

 

You led her to this situation. Now she feels dirty. And now you're having second thoughts with her. You are cruel.

[TheGuy300]

I figured I'd update this as it's been a bit of time since. So, I talked to her about it and let her know everything how I felt. She told me she loved me and will tell me anything and everything. I asked her if she is positive about that and she is comfortable with it. She said 110% she wants to tell me even so she can get everything off her chest.

 

I asked her to tell me how things started with both men. I asked what happened in detail. I hated the thought of knowing all the details. But, I said tell me everything down to exactly what happened step by step. I'm screwed up for doing it and I kept telling her I was. She told me I wasn't and she understands why I want to know. So she did. She told me everything in detail.

 

I find out, with my so called friend. He was talking to her before I ended the relationship. As a friend so she though, he told her I loved her. But, I would never commit to her. And that she should break it off and move on. But she didn't she loved me with all her heart. After the break up, he continued being there for her. I knew it, she told me. I was okay, what would happen? My friend is just being there for my at the time former ex girlfriend. I appreciated it really I did. She then told me after around two or three weeks. He started getting more serious. He was out right flirting more and more. But, she tells me she didn't know how to react. After those few weeks, he asked for pictures. She declined at first. But, as she thought she lost me. She gave in and sent a few as did he. it eventually lead to more talking and stuff. And that's when the day happened.

 

She told me he texted her. "I'm horny you should come over ;)". She didn't know what to do at first. But, she gave in. I asked her, so you knew you were going there for sex. She said yes, he was there for her. She got there and he ignored her while she sat there behind him while he gamed. The whole time she was realizing that to her self she was making a mistake. She was second guessing her self. He then got up for a shower and asked her to join. She said hesitantly said okay she says. Then she said when they were heading there. He turned around and said wow your shaking really bad and laughed at her.

 

I won't go into full detail. But she got into the shower with him. Within minutes he attempted to have sex with her. It happened for a minute or two she says and she was stressed out to bad she said stop. Got out and threw a towel on. He continued to shower and she said she stared at the floor while he did.

 

After the shower, they went to his bed. She said they sat there awkwardly and then she tried to do something. And he just forced her into things. When she did stuff she was too nervous to do anything for him. He told her to shut up when she was nervous talking. He then did everything for himself past that. After he was finished. He got up and said get dressed you're leaving. He then said that was the most awkawrd experience I ever had and laughed. She said she started crying. He then switched faces and said do you wanna talk about this or what. Because, now is the only time. To me after today it never happened and if she told me he would lie about it all.

 

She got a cab and left. She called me two hours later crying and I got her and that she lied and told me she was having problems with her parents. I thought nothing of it. After i comforted her for a few hours it lead to us having sex. I noticed something was up because of things were normal as usually like she did stuff. She said she was just doing stuff earlier in the day by her self.

 

 

Anyway, that was that really. She told me she attempted three times to talk about it too him and he said it never happened. From then on it was just me and her.

 

Honestly, with the other guy. After knowing everything he doesn't even bother me. I realize what really was the worst and hurt the most was when it was with my friend. I think the act of it, and the betraly of him. And after confronting him about it and him lying to my face and denying it is what drove me to think about it for so long. I dropped him completely and won't look at him. I work with him monday to friday but I don't see him much but we cross paths every day and I just walk by.

 

For her, I told her so many times. It was all me, I drove her to it. She gets mad and tells no and to stop it. She said, it was her fault for doing it as much as mine. She could of stopped it the whole time and never did. She regrets it to this day and had flash backs for months after and cried a lot about it. But she told me she learned that if she doesn't move on from it it will eat her forever. I started to cry when she told me this over skype I saw her crying and i felt my emotions go with hers. We both have completely even though you guys dont agree have forgiven each other for it all.

 

 

Now for me, I still think about it. Not in a upset way, but I'm now trying to understand where she was at the time. I put my self in her shoes and going step by step on what lead to everything. Me and her talked about from when I believe it started going down in our relationship. How I felt and her. Then after she told me every step of what she felt as she talked to my friend till that day and after. She told me abotu the other guy too. But really it was never about him it was always my friend that I cared so much about.

 

 

Now, even though 11 days have only past since I posted this. I'm truly happy with her and we are both in love, I know I love her, I know she loves me. And we promised each other to always communicate and fix our problems no matter what. No more breaks anymore, it's talking about our problems from now on. If we need a day or two to think about what we are having problems with we both said it's no problem.

 

 

I wanted to post this for the sake of getting it out of my head. As well as showing you guys how strong love really is. And for anyone else who has done what I have done, as well as her. To know that things can work out if you love someone truly. Thanks for all your inputs it has really helped me find my self and understand what I did and what and why she did. It may seem fast to some to get over something like this. Not only for me but her also. But we have, and every day we work on it. I have grown completely content with it all. I can't be happy about it, but I'm no longer upset, sad, mad or anything other than as I said content with it all. I guess I could say that I just have accepted it like you guys told me too. It feels great to not think about it anymore.

 

Thanks.

Edited November 29, 2013 by TheGuy300

[sun1972]

You need to STOP focussing on these two guys... and focus on making her happy, thats all there is to it

 

I am not going to rip into you as others have, because we can say stupid things we dont mean when emotional, and i have had jealousy issues in the past (i didnt like my OH meeting her ex etc)

 

But you have to understand that your gf did zero wrong.

 

I am currently split from my OH, we talk every night and will be trying again

 

But... if she kopped off tonight, while it would hurt...she would be doing nothing wrong.

[TheGuy300]

At this point, I do realize fully she did nothing wrong. I'm starting to think it's just my jealousy of her. Being with other people, while I did not during our time apart. She has been with more people then me now. I think that is a huge part of it is my own jealousy. I'm going to work on it, it's something that needs to be fixed.

 

When I heard she's slept with two different people. Everything I thought about sex went out the window. My mind made up things like she has now been changed mentally and psychically. I know that is wrong but at the time it's all I could think of. Did she fantaize of my friend while we had sex after wards? Did she think about it while she was alone?

 

I now know she didn't and hasn't. She used the word traumatic, she said as if she felt powerless and went as far as saying raped. He used her and wanted it to stop the whole time. But, she felt that if she stopped she would lose one of the only people at the time that was there for her and to comfort her. But, when it was finished she realized she made a huge mistake that she can't take back. She told me she cried for months from it. She told me when ever she took a shower she would have a flash back to that day and would cry.

 

After telling me that. I felt like a piece of ****, I put her in that position. I let that happen. Sure, she went there knowing what was going to happen. But, not what exactly would, or how it would feel to her. I know she regrets it and she has apologized for it. When again many of you think she didn't need too. But, that helped me get through it to the point I am now.

[r321148]

First point: if she's using words like rape then why didn't she go to the police? Unless it actually was rape (which it doesn't sound like from your post) then I wouldn't say you put her in that position. She's an adult, she makes her own decisions and she made a big mistake and wound up getting used and hurt. It's tough love and people make mistakes but she also needs to stop beating herself up over it and deal with that for you to move forward.

Back to the point:

You're both focusing on this way too much. By keep talking about it you are stopping yourself moving past it. By her keep talking about it she is just dragging up regretful memories.

You both need to draw a line under it now and move on!

You've discussed what happened.... so what is there left to say? What advantage is there to keep going over old ground? What's done is done. You regret telling her she could sleep with other people, she regrets doing it. You've established that you both feel regret for hurting the other, sounds good..... so STOP now!

If this is going to work between you then you need to focus on what you do when you're together and not what may or may not have happened when you were apart. Make some new memories, do some new things and then these new happy memories will replace the old ones. Stop thinking in the past tense!

Seriously though if you can't do that then this relationship is never going to work. If you can't wipe the slate clean then you need to end this now for both your sakes.

[TheGuy300]

I will and want too. As I said I haven't seen her other than Skype and phone calls and texts. I figured that this is keeping us from moving on. Though she is coming back in 11 days and I'll finally see her for three weeks. Right now my goal is to forget it and that is the hardest part.

[aliveagain]

The man was never your friend, just a predator. Will you be able to cope with the imbalance that has now been created, by taking her back you need to kill that feeling off forever.

[TheGuy300]

The man was never your friend, just a predator. Will you be able to cope with the imbalance that has now been created, by taking her back you need to kill that feeling off forever.

 

Yes, I realize that now I should have. But, how should I think about her sleeping with him and coming to me for comfort then allowing me to also sleep with her the same day? She says she did it because she felt safe with me and needed me and just wanted to be close to me again. But, I don't know how to take that right now. Things have been going great but after I really think about that it hurts a lot.

 

 

Should I just look past that fact and move on with our relationship? Should I at least discuss it more with her on why she didn't tell me before she and I had sex? It was around 7 hours or so between the times we did. I mean she was hurt bad from doing it in the first place so I can see why she needed it from me and wasn't doing it to get back or hurt me but still it's on my mind.

[FortunateSon]

It might be in your best interest to cut your losses and move forward from this alone and start fresh with someone new. Chances are this issue is forever going to be in the back of your mind and will prevent you from truly being happy. You can justify what happened however you want, but it will likely always be there.

[2fargone]

Yes, I realize that now I should have. But, how should I think about her sleeping with him and coming to me for comfort then allowing me to also sleep with her the same day? She says she did it because she felt safe with me and needed me and just wanted to be close to me again. But, I don't know how to take that right now. Things have been going great but after I really think about that it hurts a lot.

 

 

Should I just look past that fact and move on with our relationship? Should I at least discuss it more with her on why she didn't tell me before she and I had sex? It was around 7 hours or so between the times we did. I mean she was hurt bad from doing it in the first place so I can see why she needed it from me and wasn't doing it to get back or hurt me but still it's on my mind.

 

 

 

OMG you're even thinking about the time inbetween ? What is wrong with you ? It's an ego thing, isn't it ? So what if someone else dipped in ? It's about here and now, and that is with you if you want it. Let it GO !

 

 

Sorry, I think someone had to say it...

[TheGuy300]

It may be that, but I think I can be happy. When I'm talking with her I forget it happened. I actually feel happy talking to her and seeing her even though it may only be through skype or calling her. Something inside me keeps telling me I'm doing the right thing. I know it will be there probably for a while and maybe even forever. But, as every day goes on it gets a lot easier.

 

 

Would it not be best to see how things go over the next while and decide if it is truly in our best interest to continue on with our relationship? Maybe, over the time she is here over her Christmas break that what happens then can be a deciding factor for us?

 

 

 

@2fargone, me and her were still sleeping together a lot. We didn't talk for a few weeks. She ended up sleeping with him and came to me that day and slept with me also. It was only me and her from then till October when she slept with the other guy.