Mom stuck in abusive relationship

[cjs89]

Brief background about mother and him:

It all started few months after we had move back to our hometown after my mother got her degree(2004). She had met this guy named 'Gary' while out on her binge drinking, she had brought him home to us, but not in the condition we should have met him, drunk. They fell in love and wanted to marry right away, instantly i didnt really like the guy, especially the stories everyone was telling me, how he would beat up his girlfriends, one of which he sent to the hospital. Which i did not like, but seeing my mom happy and with someone for the first time since her boyfriend committed suicide around 10 years before. I had to learn to like him.

 

But their drinking persisted, at times there wasnt nothing but beer bottles all over the place, and food that they tried to cook while drunk. They would get into arguements everytime they were drunk, and while no one was around, he would act all nice.

 

There times, where they would be ok when they would attempt at being sober for a month or two. It was around 2007-2008 when 'Gary' had lost his father, and inherited his house, thats when they moved into garys house and left the house to me and my older sister. Thats when things started getting worse, their drinking and arguments. When i took off to college, every weekend id hear they got into an argument which was hard to concentrate on my studies. One day i broke down and sent my mom an inbox telling her how i felt about everything, about her drinking and relationship to gary. Thinking that she would listen to baby boy, i was wrong.

 

One day, he had hurt her to the point where she had to go to the hospital and charge him. He did this because two guys told him that they were going to beat him up for what his doing to my mom. He spent 2 or 3 months in jail cause of what he did, thinking and believing she wasn't going to go back, i felt more alive. But she disappointed us again. Expecting us to be happy for her, she tried to play everything cool, but at that point we were all exhausted, mentally and emotionally of hearing the same sob story of them fighting.

 

 

 

Back in June of this year, my mom and gary(i had found out that they had been abusing lectos(pills for some that dont know) for quite sometime) were drinking and gary had gone out to do something. And when he came back his lid had come off, and was just flipping out on my mom. He was throwing her around like a rag doll, and one point held a knife to her jugular and told her she wasn't going to see her kids again.

 

She charged him, he went to jail from june to end of october. I guess she went to him the day he came out, back into the arms of the guy who told her she wouldnt see her kids again.

 

 

 

 

Ive never felt so exhausted, frustrated and lost, and abandoned. Everything i try just doesn't seem to work, i wanna give her an ultimadium but i dont think that'd even work or be nice to do. Before my grandmother passed away just before christmas, she said one day, my mom is going to come back to us in a body bag. its so hard to live my day each day having that swinging in the back of mind each and everyday.

 

How can i save my moms life before to late:(:confused::sick::sick:

[Grumpybutfun]

cjs:

Unfortnately, you can do nothing except be there for your mom. My wife has worked with domestically abused women and it is a long process to get them out from under the influence of the abuser. Abusers have an entire system that helps them to make sure their victim is cut off from her family or feel co-dependent on their abusers. Look up domesticviolence.org for information on how to handle a situation like this. I know you feel helpless and I know you are scared for your mom. However, you can't save your mom's life, she has to save her own life. What you can do is live your life with clarity and purpose and make sure you never get into a situation like this with an abusive gf as these things tend to cycle in families.

Good luck,

Grumps

[Mcle]

You can't save her. At his point all you can do is love her enough to refuse to enable this relationship in any way, i.e. you will not step foot in a residence he lives in with her, you will not go to holidays with them, ect. Get a counselor for yourself too. Good luck.

[turnera]

Yeah, the best thing you can do at this point is tell her point blank, as long as you are with him, I can't see you. And then go dark. It will give you some leverage in case she ever hits rock bottom.

[almond]

As hard as it is, I would suggest distancing yourself from this situation.

 

I know you want to be there for your mother and help her, but you can't. Her behaviour is damaging you.

 

I'd give her an ultimatum - tell her you love her and want nothing more than to have her in your life, but that you cannot deal with the pain that this is causing you. Explain how it negatively impacts you. Then tell her that when she leaves him, you'll be there for her 100%. If she is not yet ready to do this, but starts some serious counseling or NA/AA/rehab, I'd tell her that you will be able to have some limited contact with her again, but refuse to see him or visit her at their shared residence. Support her as long as she is helping herself. At the moment, she isn't, so you need to look after yourself, and leave her be till she's ready.

 

My heart goes out to you, this must be very painful. Please understand that you cannot change the situation, but sticking around and enabling her is only hurting yourself, and possibly encouraging her behaviour. An ultimatum may just be the thing she needs to finally make some changes.

 

Good luck, and please consider counseling for yourself if you're feeling low or overwhelmed.

 

P.S. What kind of pills are "lectos?" Do you know the actual name of them?

Edited November 19, 2013 by almond

[imtooconfused]

cjs:

Unfortnately, you can do nothing except be there for your mom. My wife has worked with domestically abused women and it is a long process to get them out from under the influence of the abuser. Abusers have an entire system that helps them to make sure their victim is cut off from her family or feel co-dependent on their abusers. Look up domesticviolence.org for information on how to handle a situation like this. I know you feel helpless and I know you are scared for your mom. However, you can't save your mom's life, she has to save her own life. What you can do is live your life with clarity and purpose and make sure you never get into a situation like this with an abusive gf as these things tend to cycle in families.

Good luck,

Grumps

 

As much as you want to try and understand why your Mom would put up with such treatment, it's not possible for you to be able to understand. As a result, (and as others have said) there is nothing that you can do. In fact, "being there for her" may be counterproductive and actually help her feed on her dependency to Gary. Again (as others have said) the only thing you can do is become stronger yourself in the face of such devastation. To that end, I would recommend seeking out a local chapter of Al-Anon, if there is one in your area, where you can seek the support of others who may be in a similar situation to yourself.