Starting to realise the extent of his emotional abuse

[ShannonBanana]

Yesterday morning on a 1.5 hour long drive I started to pray. I prayed that God (the universe, or whoever was listening) bestow peace in my heart to replace the anger and hurt over my STXH behaviour. By the end of the night, after I got back home from my trip, a couple of points came into my consciousness. I had known these points before but this time was like an 'aha' moment.

 

My STXH was an emotional abuser. Not the angry, fly off the handle and rage type of abuser, but the incredibly selfish, put his wife down by pointing out her faults constantly and demeaning her, condescending, with entitlement and superiority complexes- type of abuser. He wasn't all bad. He has redeeming qualities that I wanted to share my life with, but when it came to our relationship...this was what I was dealing with.

 

What might be my saving grace for this situation is compassion. The compassion comes from the second point that came up for me, that this is how he grew up. His father was all kinds of emotionally abusive...and his mother was too though she seems really sweet and innocent. My husband will always think that this kind of unhealthy relationship is normal. He would treat any other woman with this kind of abuse...not just me.

 

He is basically a decent person...I believe he does or did love me. But he literally does not know how (or outright refuses) to think outside of his parent's marriage template. I think he might even actually be confused as to why the marriage didn't work, when his parent's marriage has stayed together, so he blames me. Because it couldn't possibly be him at all.

 

I will never put up with his crappy behaviour again. I will never be his victim again. Because I know he will never see the error in his ways. Well, he might, but it could be a very long time before that happens.

 

I do see both him and our marriage as damaged beyond repair. I now believe this marriage should not have been saved. And I am coming to accept that.

 

And perhaps that is where the peace in my heart will come from.

Edited November 17, 2013 by ShannonBanana

[Monodare1]

Hi Shannon, your fellow friendly neighbourhood dumpee here :-) glad you are starting to come to terms with it through the anger. Hope you are well and keep reading the Robert Louis Stevenson

[alonefornow]

This is such an encouraging post. Emotional abuse is such a pernicious force, and your statement that you refuse to be his victim anymore is huge. If you haven't done so yet, please consider IC. I also recommend the book "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. It will reinforce some of these realizations, and help to explain more realizations you will undoubtedly have over the next few months.

 

All the best to you!

[littlejaz]

I think you are on your way to letting go of at least some of the anger/hurt. I think part of it is the realization that we didn't deserve what we got and that their behavior is on them.

[imtooconfused]

ShannonBanana, from your post it's clear your decision is firm, and I am heartened to hear that. You have made some realizations that most emotional abuse victims never make:

 

• The abusive nature was learned prior to your relationship with the abuser
  
• You did not cause the abuse to happen
  
• There is nothing you can do to make the abuse stop
  
• The abuser will never change, no matter how hard you try to change them
  

 

If it sounds like I am repeating things you already know, I do so only to reinforce your conviction that the marriage is "damaged beyond repair." Remain confident that you are doing the right thing by separating yourself from this person and their behavior.

[ShannonBanana]

Thank you everyone for your encouragement. Good to hear from you Monodare1.

 

This realisation and post about it was the first stop to forgiveness. I have done a lot of soul-searching this past week and realised I need to use the knowledge and compassion of my insights to forgive him once and for-all. The forgiveness is not for him, it's for me to heal. I also came to the conclusion that I want and need to forgive myself for the actions I perceive I could have done differently throughout the marriage.

 

I have found that once I let go of anger and bitterness and began to forgive there was a very deep well of sadness in me. It's been there the whole time just was covered in dirt. Now I am looking deep into the well instead of averting my eyes. It hurts like nothing I have ever felt before. The sorrow is on levels I didn't know existed. But I am taking the time to feel it all. It's not pretty, but it has to be done.

Edited November 24, 2013 by ShannonBanana

[alonefornow]

Thank you everyone for your encouragement. Good to hear from you Monodare1.

 

This realisation and post about it was the first stop to forgiveness. I have done a lot of soul-searching this past week and realised I need to use the knowledge and compassion of my insights to forgive him once and for-all. The forgiveness is not for him, it's for me to heal. I also came to the conclusion that I want and need to forgive myself for the actions I perceive I could have done differently throughout the marriage.

 

I have found that once I let go of anger and bitterness and began to forgive there was a very deep well of sadness in me. It's been there the whole time just was covered in dirt. Now I am looking deep into the well instead of averting my eyes. It hurts like nothing I have ever felt before. The sorrow is on levels I didn't know existed. But I am taking the time to feel it all. It's not pretty, but it has to be done.

 

More encouraging posts! Forgiveness really is a powerful force. What many don't realize is that bitterness and anger are still ways of allowing one to control us. The only way to get beyond that control is through forgiveness. I am so happy to have witnessed this progression in you and wish you all the best!