A plantonic friend problem

[Benny]

I have this really good friend and we met about 4 years ago. We often talk via email and we go out every now and then to dinner and movies. We have a great time together, but nothing romantic. She has a boyfriend and they have been together for 3 years. She is pretty serious with him and wants to be with him. I am currently not in a relationship but I dated differnt people since I met her.

 

Over time I have developed feelings for my friend. She and I talked about this a few months ago and she told me she doesn't feel that way about me. Well, I respect what she wants and told her it's okay and we can just be friends. So I try to move on and go out with other people.

 

One time I asked my friend if she would set me up with one of her female friends. To make a long story short, my friend made up something and told me her friend was busy and didn't want to go out with anyone. It was obviously made up.

 

Why did my friend made that up? Is she jealous? If she is truly my friend, why wouldn't she set me up with her friend?

 

Some people said maybe she is wanting me to be her backup. She and I do have fun together and some people thought we were dating. Her family likes me and especially her mother. They know that I do try to take care of her and would probably do anything for her.

 

I would appreciate any comments or suggestions on this.

[Nicky]

I have this really good friend and we met about 4 years ago. We often talk via email and we go out every now and then to dinner and movies. We have a great time together, but nothing romantic. She has a boyfriend and they have been together for 3 years. She is pretty serious with him and wants to be with him. I am currently not in a relationship but I dated differnt people since I met her. Over time I have developed feelings for my friend. She and I talked about this a few months ago and she told me she doesn't feel that way about me. Well, I respect what she wants and told her it's okay and we can just be friends. So I try to move on and go out with other people. One time I asked my friend if she would set me up with one of her female friends. To make a long story short, my friend made up something and told me her friend was busy and didn't want to go out with anyone. It was obviously made up.

 

Why did my friend made that up? Is she jealous? If she is truly my friend, why wouldn't she set me up with her friend? Some people said maybe she is wanting me to be her backup. She and I do have fun together and some people thought we were dating. Her family likes me and especially her mother. They know that I do try to take care of her and would probably do anything for her. I would appreciate any comments or suggestions on this.

Err, I know you like her, but I'm a realist. But it sounds like she's not available. The friend that was in mind was simply not suitable, as opposed to "she fancied you herself but didn't want to make you available.". Sorry to dash your dreams, but that's how I'd read it.

[Tony T]

Just give up on this lady, dude!!! It ain't going to happen.

 

Many ladies are just posessive of their male friends. It has nothing to do with romantic feelings for them. But this gets very complicated.

 

There are some women who enjoy being with their male friends and are afraid if they introduce them to another lady, they won't have their company much anymore. There are some whose male friends take them out, treat them to lunch, buy them stuff, etc., and they don't want another lady to benefit from that. A lot of this is kind of unconscious. Some women consider males they know to be their territory and don't feel good having women they know invade their terrority or partake of their "possessions."

 

Yes, there are some that keep a guy like you in reserve. But IT'S NOT A RESERVE TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP if something happens in their current situation. It's to keep them in reserve to fill in the gap between boyfriends. So if she ever broke up with her boyfriend, she would call upon you...as her buddy...to do things with her until she found another boyfriend.

 

Many very fine ladies love their guy friends very much but just don't want any more than that.

 

This is one thing I have NEVER been able to understand...maybe someone here can give me a clue. But there are ladies who can be your absolute genuine friend...and while they really don't want you as a romantic interest, they don't want some other lady having you either. They get jealous when you start seeing someone else...but they don't want to date you. Very, very strange.

 

She could be very much in LIKE with you but that fondness will never go far enough to be romantic. Your agendas are totally different. Your desires are different.

 

If you are doing a lot of things for this girl, taking her out and spending money, helping her in any way, buying her stuff...and she is a user, she will take advantage of your stupidity and generosity. She has already cleared her conscience by telling you she is NOT interested in a relationship with you...and if you want to continue on with that in mind, she's not going to do anything to stop you. Then, you become sort of her possession in a way...her little puppy dog...and she doesn't want to give you up to another lady.

 

Now, she is probably pretty smart and figures you asked her to fix you up with this other girl to see if you could stir up some jealousy in her. She doesn't appreciate that. Go find your own girls and leave her out of this.

 

She is smart enough to know you still have feelings for her. She is smart enough to know she needs to watch her every move around you. She is probably even sharp enough to wonder about your ethics in expressing feelings for her while she is in a very good relationship with someone else. That was neither smart nor respectful to her. Yes, it's great to be honest with your feelings but in this case you should have just moved on out of her life.

 

Now, forget having her introduce you to her friends, for whatever her reasons are that she doesn't want to. Forget ever having a relationship with this girl...she does not want that...not today, tomorrow or ever.

 

Most of all, be honest with yourself. You are simply wasting your time being around her wanting more, doing whatever for her expecting more...it is just not something that will happen. I have been there many times...I have the Congressional Medal of Honor for this stuff. I know the entire drill.

 

You have no business asking this girl to introduce you to others. Go find your own girls...and for your own good mental health, back away from this lady friend. It is not an honest relationship. You are extremely fond of her in a more than friendship way...and the feelings aren't mutual. You give her a lot of grief and you will become an annoyance to her and then she'll avoid you like the plague.

 

In your second to last paragraph, YOU WROTE:

 

"Her family likes me and especially her mother. They know that I do try to take care of her and would probably do anything for her."

 

This family sees you as her brother...SICKO FOR YOU!!! You are someone they see as looking out for her and her best interests. You are an extension of them away from home and they trust you that she is in good hands when you are around her because you have gone out of your way to impress them.

 

Depending on this girl's age, if she is young...having a girl's parents like you is almost the kiss of death in many cases. I used to do the same thing you're doing and when the parents loved me, the girl would be my friend AT BEST...and then only because I was mostly a friend of her parents. I know you can't see this now...but you will.

 

That you would do anything for this girl is NOT a turn on for her. If there was even a microscopic chance of you ever having a chance with her from now until the end of the world, she would have to stop seeing you as so available, and start seeing you an a challenge...someone who is aloof...someone who does not want to be her buddy...and someone who respects himself enough not to come running everytime she needs help with something.

 

Don't take my word for this...check with some other lady friends of yours. They'll tell you!!!

[Benny]

Thanks for your comment.

 

I know it sounded like I was trying to steal her from her boyfriend, but it wasn't like that at all. I would never do that to her or anyone, and she knows that. She and I are actually really good friends and we know each other pretty well. Actually, she wasn't even suprise when I told her I had feelings for her, because she already knew.

 

I am okay just being friends. Today we still talk and do things together, and I can see us still being good friends many years from now. This freindship is important to both of us. After our little talk, we haven't brought up the subject anymore.

 

I now realize it was a mistake to ask her to set me up with her friend. I was under the assumption if we are good friends, she would do that for me. But from what I learned from your replys, it seems like I shouldn't have done that becasue she is a female friend.

 

I'm still new at this, but I'm learning. Thanks again for all your help.

[WGirl]

Maybe she is afraid of losing your friendship. She could be afraid of it backfiring. She could be jealous of you spending time with someone else. Although, she may love her boyfriend she may want you around to catch her when she falls.

I have this really good friend and we met about 4 years ago. We often talk via email and we go out every now and then to dinner and movies. We have a great time together, but nothing romantic. She has a boyfriend and they have been together for 3 years. She is pretty serious with him and wants to be with him. I am currently not in a relationship but I dated differnt people since I met her. Over time I have developed feelings for my friend. She and I talked about this a few months ago and she told me she doesn't feel that way about me. Well, I respect what she wants and told her it's okay and we can just be friends. So I try to move on and go out with other people. One time I asked my friend if she would set me up with one of her female friends. To make a long story short, my friend made up something and told me her friend was busy and didn't want to go out with anyone. It was obviously made up.

 

Why did my friend made that up? Is she jealous? If she is truly my friend, why wouldn't she set me up with her friend? Some people said maybe she is wanting me to be her backup. She and I do have fun together and some people thought we were dating. Her family likes me and especially her mother. They know that I do try to take care of her and would probably do anything for her. I would appreciate any comments or suggestions on this.