Blending Families, etc.

[soccorsilly]

Trying to make a long story short, but when my ex-wife and I divorced 4 yrs ago, for whatever reason, she wrote off her mother and sister. I believe that it stemmed from their position that she should try to make the marraige work and she did not want to hear any of that.

 

Anyhow, she has had literally no contact with them in 4+ years. She has never told them of her new address, that she is re-married, and she will send her mother (not sister) the required birthday, Xmas and Mothers Day Card. But, she does not put her return address on it, nor does she sign it indicating that she is re-married.

 

Now, I realize that I am an ex-son/brother-in-law, but I also have three kids with my ex wife. She flatly refuses to mention her mother or sisters name in her house and they are simply not discussed.

 

I have bbeen the one to keep communication up (not my job) on that side, and the ex-in -laws will call me to talk to the kids, grammy will send presents to my house or work for the kids, etc.

 

I feel my kids have a right to know their relatives. I have made arrangements to go for a day trip to visit them on Tuesday (they are only a few hours away) and while I specifically did not tell my ex-wife, my daughter did.

 

Well, she flipped out on me this morning (Merry Christmas) saying I had no right as they were NOT my family and it is a slap in her face to do this because it is her family, and she disagrees with it and it pisses her off how would I like it if she took the kids to see my parents and on and on and on.

 

I said that it does not seem if it is her family since she has written them off entirely. I said that she needs to put the adult issues aside for the benefit of the kids--as we have done in our relationship. I agreed that I am not the one who ought to take them to visit, but since she won't I am gonna do it.

 

Now, the kids are not always begging to see these folks (out of sight out of mind) but they appreciate the times when they can. I asked them this morning if they wanted to go and all of them said yes--enthusiastically!

 

I need to know opinions from the LS crew, am I out of line in taking these kids to see their cousins and grandmother?

[Mr Spock]

Yes, AND no. How bout that?

 

Her feud with her Mother and Sister IS immature but remember she's put up with a lifetime of probably similiar sh*t that you may have no idea of.

 

Regardless, family IS important and your kids should know both sides-they can choose when they're older if they want to continue the relationship.

 

So, yes she has a right to be pissed off at her family BUT if you still get along with them and want to take the kids that's your perogative.

[JackieQ]

writing off your family is pretty extreme. guess I'd need to know more about why she did it? Generally I'd say the kids should be able to see their relatives..was there anything other than the general idea that she should have made the marriage work?

[quankanne]

kids should never be used as pawns in ANYONE'S battles. If your ex doesn't want to stay in contact with her family, that's her decision. But as long as y'alls kids want to see their granny and grampy and the rest of the clan, your responsibility to them is to ensure they do. I don't see that it would be any different than if your ex died and you kept up the contact with her side of the family for the kids' sake. It's about them and their needs being met, and nothing whatsoever to do with your wife's grudge against her own family.

 

believe me, your kids will appreciate -- and respect -- you for allowing them access to their family, and that's what matters most.

[soccorsilly]

Thanks, you guys are the greatest. I will never know the whole story, but from what I can see and have heard, back when we decided to split, he sister said someting like "OMG, what happened?" and my ex went off on her about not wanting to hear her pantificating and injecting her morals. And they have never spoken since. Now, I do not know what transpired in their youth, but I do know that they were both very different fron one another and were never very close.

 

My. ex claims that they wrote her off, and they claim that she wrote them off. Personally, I have witnessed her mother trying to connect several times--one time in a face to face discussing a new job at a little league game, my ex just flipped her mother a business card and continued to have her conversation with her girlfriend--they had not spoken in a year or so at that point.

 

Another time, my ex-MIL had come down to visit the kids and was at my office when my ex had to bring the kids to me (swap day), and the kids were all like ""Grammy, why don't you go see mommy" so she walked out front of the office (somewhat against her better judgement) and approached her car and said "hello". She was answered with a "Hello, well, I am late for an appointment" and she drove off. This was the straw that broke her moms back and ever since, her mom has not made any effort to connect again.

 

If it were not for either the kids' or my intervention, her mother would not know her address, he marital status, her phone number, etc. Very sad I feel, but...

 

I am somewhat wondering if she will not return my kids to me on time (she has them this afternoon and overnight for Christmas) just to try and screw up my plans.

 

It is sad, because we make such a conscious effort to parent these guys so well, and have put all of out differences aside, we are actually better friends now than ever before. Occasionally something raises its head and spoils it!

[ollydolly]

Hi. I would say what you choose to do in terms of visiting with the in-laws is totally up to you and your kids. Your ex-wife will just have to respect individual rights here and cope with it.

 

However, if she doesn't want her familiy to know about her new life, that is HER life and you would do well to not give the family information down that track. That is disloyal, I believe.

 

The kids should also respect her right to not reconnect with her family if it causes her too much pain to do so.

 

I had a tough time with my Dad after my mother's death and we really didn't get on. I didn't mind my ex-husband having a relationship with him, but I did mind personal information about my life being the subject of their conversations. It's all healed now, but I needed my kids to not be talking about ME to a man (my Dad) who couldn't be stuffed connecting with me properly himself! The kids understood this well and learned something about loyalty in the process.

[alphamale]

i think you should follow your ex wife's wishes on this one.

 

that being said I also think your ex is a nutcase and god help her one day when she needs help or assistance from her mom or sister. and trust me, that day will come.

 

tsk tsk, the kids always suffer the most in these situations.

[Lil Honey]

Your wife is right that your ex-inlaws are not your family, but they ARE the kids' family. They are also your "friends" (for lack of a better word). You said that the two of you have set aside your differences for the sake of the kids. That tells me that your wife is comfortable with your decisions when the kids are with you. If she didn't trust your decisions, you wouldn't have the custoday arrangement that you do.

 

That being said, this is YOUR decision. You are allowing the kids to see their family on YOUR time. Nothing is being taken away from her. I think she just doesn't want to look like a heal (that she already appears to be) and she doesn't want you to look like the Good Guy. (She basically wants it her way or not at all.)

 

I think her relationship with her family is her business and your relationship with her family is your business. Would she be telling you that you can't take them to a good friend's house to visit? I also think that she is trying to punish her family by attempting to keep the kids away from them. How very sad.

 

I have to give you kudos for keeping a decent relationship with your ex-MIL and ex-SIL. It speaks volumes.

[JackieQ]

I agree with spock that there may be a lifetime of sh** there that can't be understood unless you've lived your wife's life. Main thing I'd worry about without knowing the situation better is that she severed ties because of some history of abuse/neglect that also might affect your kids. If not, and the kids seem to have a + relationship, I think they have a right to see them.

 

since you and ex have good relationship, is there any chance of sitting down and talking this out when she is calmer? the reality is that if your kids are going to keep seeing the in laws, the issue is going to keep coming up and that, in turn, means it will continue to be a hassle for you...

 

just a thought...could your ex feel that her parents chose you over her for some reason?

[soccorsilly]

There is no abuse question and these visits are just day trips--not extended periods. I do know that my ex does feel that they have sided with me, but it is not for any reason other than I remained in touch--she cut them off (and again, I probably will never know the real reason why) and since my issue was with my ex, why shuold I have an issue with her family? They were always pleasant to me. And they are my kids' grandmother, aunt, uncle, cousins and even godparents.

 

We did go and had a great time. It was awkward for me--as it always is because I know that I am a friend but also an ex-in law to them as well. The kids all had a great time catching up, running around, fooling with the doggies and shooting paintball guns in the woods.

 

The ex seemed to have calmed herself down and even asked if we had a nice visit and mentioned that she did not know their dog had died (well duh...you don't talk to them and I am certainly not gonna be the conduit if I don't need to).

 

Maybe she had a change of heart because she took the kids to see their "new aunts and uncles" (her words not mine) over New Years. This is her new hubbys' step sisters and brothers. I did not pitch a fit or demand they not go--I think it is great for the kids. I believe that if adults can keep their heads together, everyone can get along well--and it will be best for the kids. When they all turn 18, they canmake their own decision.

 

But it does bother me that she has embraced his family so much and totally written off her own. It bothers me for the sake of the kids--what does she tell them about her "real" sister and mother...do they exist? I am glad she likes her new family but it is a little to wierd to me that she has written off the old one.

 

She did mention to me once that she did not want the kids going up there "because we do not talk about them in thins house" which I thought was a weak excuse, and retorted with "well, we do talk about them in THIS house, so we are going"

 

But, thanks to all for the advice. I think I am pretty right on with my initial decision and I agree, it will rear its ugly head again....but until next time...thanks to the LSers