AutumnWind Posted December 25, 2004 Share Posted December 25, 2004 Ok. So now he is emailing me quite frequently, long friendly emails about his life and mine, just chatty stuff. I'm confused about what this means. Does he really just see me as a "friend", but if so, how can that tie in w/ feeling jealous about me dating someone as recently as October?? To recap... we were together 4 years, lived together for 2, first loves and all that, and it's been over a year since the breakup (and I moved away). It was kind of a mutual decision but I was pulling away more at the time (lately that's been reversed). We were in close contact for the first 5 months, then nothing at all for 4 months over the summer, then when I moved back to the country (but different state) it's been emails/phone calls off and on for the last 3.5 months... and our dynamic has really changed when we talk, mostly due to me sorting out a bunch of my issues that caused the original tension, so we are now getting along well. The conversations have been either flirty and fun OR sometimes emotional and intimate (this is when he suddenly pours his heart out to me about something). We've both dated other people in between. But we were really close, and it seems hard to break that connection, even after SO much time/distance apart! The following is the behavior that's puzzling me: He rarely calls me, but seems happy when I call him (and says so several times)! In fact, he seems uncomfortable initiating a call as if I am going to reject him or something, though that doesn't make any sense since I've been very encouraging! He always responds to txt messages, emails, etc. though sometimes after a delay. If there's a delay though, he gives me an explanation (which I believe) though it's not like I ask for or expect one. After all, we're not together so there's no real reason he should have to explain why there's a delay in getting back to me. Also, his tone when we talk on the phone is quite different from on email. On the phone, he sounds awkward but warm, kind of interested but cautious, on email though he seems very brisk and friendly but in a casual way!! Now, is he just better able to control and monitor his response on email? My instincts say to trust how he is on the phone since that's more immediate and "real" contact... So maybe he's being defensive/self-protective... Or maybe he just really doesn't care and I'm misreading everything! I'm very puzzled and don't know whether I should keep calling him or not (it isn't excessive, only about once a week/10 days). Anyone who can see something in this that I can't, please help me figure it out!! Thanks!! Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted December 29, 2004 Share Posted December 29, 2004 Depends on what you hope to gain. Do you want the option of having a relationship with him again or are you firmly planted in your opinion that you two are only friends and will remain only friends? Link to post Share on other sites
iceisles Posted December 29, 2004 Share Posted December 29, 2004 I'll let you respond to Pocky before I respond directly to your question. I will say that my ex is doing the opposite - her e-mails have been friendly, and her phone calls have been "distant." She is willing to talk to/hear from me either way, but maybe the phone makes her uncomfortable because she's afraid she'll have to respond to a tough question...whereas in an e-mail, you can take your time to form a vague answer. How has your ex's mood been? If he has a lot on his mind, or is under stress, I wouldn't expect much consistency from either method of contact. People can come off so many different ways by just a slight nudge in their mood. My ex was very bit_hy to me last night, but I didn't take it personally because she feels like her world is collapsing. If he's in a similar boat, I wouldn't take anything - even harsh words, too personally. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnWind Posted December 29, 2004 Author Share Posted December 29, 2004 Rocky - Yes, I would like to have a relationship again, if possible. We've both changed a lot in positive ways and relate much better to each other now (no fights in the past 6 months of contact!). So there's new positive feelings that seem to be growing and added to that is the warmth of many years of shared history... so things feel kind of good but then I start to just doubt myself and wonder if it's just a friendship to him. I think one of the biggest reasons we broke up was stress compounded by long distance, but now the stress aspect has gone away though the distance is still there for another year... Still I'll be going to visit him soon - he's said that he's looking forward to my visit and actually sounds happy about it on the phone, but he's being puzzlingly vague and hard to read in other ways... I think I'll probably find out if he sees me as more than just a friend when I see him in person - my guess is that the attraction is still there but I'll try not to have expectations... Iceisles - Hmm, it makes sense that your ex would be distant on the phone. I would also assume that people would become more defensive on the phone, but my ex is not acting that way. He seems to warm up to me right away on the phone, the one weird thing is that he rarely calls me. And yes, he's sort of stressed out and was busy up until this break but is relatively relaxed now. There haven't been any harsh words between us, in fact not even when we broke up, so that's not what is troubling me. I feel that with our recent conversations (which feel kind of intimate) I'm getting close to him again and therefore emotionally vulnerable and yet I don't want to pull back if something is really happening... I just wish there was a magic way to tell if he's feeling something similar or if I'm misinterpreting... Link to post Share on other sites
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