Never Ending Cycle of Broken NC

[Froelich87]

"it sucks. I never wanted to be this guy on the threads that does everything the exact opposite. This sucks man."

 

I think everyone does that. I did it, and hell I still might do it. Its a process.

 

Think of it as a war (without the actual violence but more as a struggle within your self), wars aren't won in a day, they are won with many battles with some victories and defeats. (progress and setbacks) Unless you use nuclear weapons (trying to solve it overnight with irrational decisions) than there is even more destruction than before and nothing is solved, just worse. Take your time buddy, I've learned it the hard way and many others here have. I am still struggling right now, but it is a little keyword being little easier now, and I feel better equipped to handle breadcrumbs and to detect sincerity.

 

I feel for ya.

 

That's actually a very good metaphor. Thank you for that.

 

I haven't broken. Still so tempted.

 

How long did she come back for? And what was the pain like the 2nd time compared to the first?

[Froelich87]

She wants it casual with no commitment. I don't know if that means for right now or what.

 

Im trying to be very cautious about this. I haven't responded to her text.

 

She said she loves me, misses me.

She told me that she's young and doesn't want to commit to me but she wants to be with me. I don't really understand. She says she wants all things involved with a relationship... the dates, the intimacy, the companionship, the sex. But without a title.

 

I don't know what to do. I know what you guys will probably tell me its all bad news.

 

But lay all opinions on me.

 

Im begging for any and all kinds

[xUnknown]

Hey read through my thread to get some more perspective and understand you are not alone at all in this. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/420941-got-dumped-out-blue-do-i-stand-chance-get-her-back I am going through the same exact s***. I like to put things into perspective when I am feeling down, I am a soldier and I like to think of the guys that are over there and go through this while getting shot at.

 

I know its hard and you want nothing more to hear those words "Im sorry I made a mistake".

 

Well guess what I did? 3 weeks ago she came creeping back into my life asking if she could prove to me she changed and to try things again. But! here's the kicker it was all about her, her loneliness, her wanting the companionship, NOT wanting me. OUT of no where just like my break up she left me again saying she feels confused. So my suggestion is to stay strong in complete no contact do no show her a single grain of emotion, it will toughen you up like nothing before. It will also become more attractive to not only her but other women; "this new found toughness and confidence"

 

Hey I have some strong days where I feel confident. I hit on a girl and things went well last night and I got her number, then woke up today and feel like crap and miss my ex a lot.

 

What you are going through is referred to as a life adjustment crisis. I'm going through the same thing after graduating college, becoming an adult, commissioning as an Army Officer and being in charge of soldiers that have been in the army longer than I've been alive, and on top of it losing my support system of my ex gf. The cycle will continue until you get used to the new adjustment and remove the source of the stress for a long duration of time; your ex.

 

No contact, girls at this age are emotional beings. Don't let them control you like that, I really feel they have no idea what they are doing to us guys in terms of putting our emotions through a paper shredder. Sorry women that's just my opinion.

 

(I'm in the same boat my man, its so much easier said than done)

 

I agree with the OP... obviously it sucks to see you hurting as well...but its nice know that we're not alone in this. Keep the faith man, and thank you for your service.

[Armyguy123]

That's actually a very good metaphor. Thank you for that.

 

I haven't broken. Still so tempted.

 

How long did she come back for? And what was the pain like the 2nd time compared to the first?

 

Far worse. try two months of recovery, than have her contact seemingly out of no where asking to try things again, just to quit the day after you start trusting her, after talking and texting constantly for 2 weeks. Had all my recovery thrown out the window with false hopes destroyed. Gave me an anxiety attack, and I'm now on anti-anxiety medication.

 

She literally was making future plans and everything, but that's what women do.

 

She knew what she did this time though, I could hear her guilt when she told me, and I know she'll be feeling it for a long time, the NC will probably heighten it and I know she'll try again because I'm too good of a guy (in the sack too) to just toss aside. I think she just wants to make sure I'm the guy she wants, which is literally stupid, and honestly I think she has no idea what she wants and just ran away rather then trying to put in the work. I had always carried all the burden, in addition to my military burden.

 

Its this whole Sex and the City, women empowerment, gossip girl BS that these girls eat up that tells them that they don't have to ever have to value Men's opinions and do whatever they please. I'm all for equal rights but not trample all over men, while not taking any fault for your own actions. (yes im overgeneralizing women in this rant please do not correct me because this is a rant and not how I actually feel, I know the same could be ranted about men who are manwhores but that is not me)

 

You and I deserve someone who's not going to abandon you at a moment's notice. I like to look to this sometimes as dodging a bullet, bc I dodged a potential divorce with children in the mix which would be hard.

[Simon Phoenix]

Far worse. try two months of recovery, than have her contact seemingly out of no where asking to try things again, just to quit the day after you start trusting her, after talking and texting constantly for 2 weeks. Had all my recovery thrown out the window with false hopes destroyed. Gave me an anxiety attack, and I'm now on anti-anxiety medication.

 

She literally was making future plans and everything, but that's what women do.

 

She knew what she did this time though, I could hear her guilt when she told me, and I know she'll be feeling it for a long time, the NC will probably heighten it and I know she'll try again because I'm too good of a guy (in the sack too) to just toss aside. I think she just wants to make sure I'm the guy she wants, which is literally stupid, and honestly I think she has no idea what she wants and just ran away rather then trying to put in the work. I had always carried all the burden, in addition to my military burden.

 

Its this whole Sex and the City, women empowerment, gossip girl BS that these girls eat up that tells them that they don't have to ever have to value Men's opinions and do whatever they please. I'm all for equal rights but not trample all over men, while not taking any fault for your own actions. (yes im overgeneralizing women in this rant please do not correct me because this is a rant and not how I actually feel, I know the same could be ranted about men who are manwhores but that is not me)

 

You and I deserve someone who's not going to abandon you at a moment's notice. I like to look to this sometimes as dodging a bullet, bc I dodged a potential divorce with children in the mix which would be hard.

 

You are overanalyzing her way too much. It has nothing to do with female power or Sex In The City. It's just her having questions about whether she wants to be with you but not wanting to set you free because you represent a safety blanket in case her exploring doesn't work the way she wants it. And you haven't had the self-control to not allow her to use you that way. She's keeping you as a backup net -- it's really that simple.

[Froelich87]

Im guessing its the same in my latest update?

[Froelich87]

So, for those of you who have followed my last post about the broken NC and know what's going on... an update is that I have written a letter to my ex girlfriend. I don't know when I will send it. But I think I am eventually going to send it. I'm not really looking for reasons why not to send it.. I would actually look for an honest opinion on the letter. Maybe things that I should clean up, change, etc.

 

Who knows, maybe I won't end up sending it.

 

Again, I'm not doing this to get her back. As part of my step 8 to my recovery, I'm doing this for ME.

.......................................................................................................

I heard that you were missing me. I kind of feel the same way. Although our time apart has been hard on me, it has also been amazing.

It's been amazing b/c I'm starting to learn a lot about myself and what I want.

 

I've learned (and will continue to learn) about the problems w/ in myself as a whole as well as the problems that I took part in for the demise of our relationship.

 

Realizing my faults in this and the faults deep w/ in myself has taught me how to start loving myself again and how to be happy. Both with myself and alone. What I'm learning right now is teaching me what I want with my next relationship.

 

I need you to know that I'm not doing this out of anger, hate or resentment. I'm doing this out of love for you and me and what is healthy for the both of us:

 

I miss you as a gf and companion and I want us to be together in a faithful relationship. Will we have to both keep taking time apart to continue to learn and grow? Absolutely. Will it work? Who knows. It may or it may not. Do I want to get married? Not now. I'm nowhere near ready for any of that. I'm focusing on my happiness, my education, and my career path. Do I want to get married in the future? I honestly couldn't tell you that. I don't know. I don't know what the future holds.

 

I haven't stopped loving you. To an extent, I don't think I ever will. Although, it won't be the same love that I feel now.

 

From what I've heard from my brother,

It's obvious that we want two different things.

I feel like you have nothing to offer me in a relationship and it would be unhealthy for both of us to put ourselves in a position like that.

 

I learned a lot from you and I valued all of our time together. You are one of the best people I know and I wouldn't trade our time together for anything.

 

Will we be friends? Eventually, but it won't happen over night. It will happen when we are both completely indifferent to each other.

 

I gotta keep pushing forward. If you're there in the future, great, but I can't look back for you.

 

Take Care.

 

Regards,

 

Alex.

[MoooOinkBaaa]

Don't do it anybody that reads that can see how corny and creepy it is. Your girlfriend will think the same trust me, I sent her sonnets like this too, doesn't work.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

If you send that, I will virtually slap you. Letters are TERRIBLE ideas (Writing them is fine but SENDING them is a horrible idea.) Plus, the letter comes off as extra creepy man. Seriously, dont send it. Jumping out of an airplane without a parachute ranks as a better decision than this.

[Simon Phoenix]

Dude, this is nearly as bad of an idea as having your brother play go-between between you and her. NO CONTACT!!!!!!!!!!!! It's up to her to make a move, a real move. Don't make yourself out to be a spineless wuss please.

[mtnbiker3000]

Well, there ya have it. A big, fat thumbs down. Next question?

[2fargone]

That letter is clearly you trying to force your way of thinking onto her. Wich isn't even your way of thinking, it's you absorbing other peoples thoughts and adapting them as your own bcause you don't know what to do or think right now....

 

 

Snap out of it !

[mtnbiker3000]

I actually just read your letter. Or at least as much as I could. Please DO NOT send that. It is rough...

 

TBH - I wouldn't even reread this for strength or whatever myself if I were you. Bin it!

[organizedchaos]

That letter is clearly you trying to force your way of thinking onto her. Wich isn't even your way of thinking, it's you absorbing other peoples thoughts and adapting them as your own bcause you don't know what to do or think right now....

 

 

Snap out of it !

 

No, it's someone who's seen too many chic flicks and thinks these things have any impact in real life.

[Haydn]

The others are right. This is a pretty terrible letter. You are giving so much away if send it. She will eat you for dinner if she ever reads this. Simon is spot on. If she wants something she must come to you now.

[sun1972]

While i do agree do not send all that (i cant see it addressing issues for a start!)

 

Ive got to be honest here

 

many years ago, i ended it with my first love (going back 25 years here but i remember her, its odd)

 

She posted a letter 2 days or so after we broke up- and i did end up back with her.

 

She turned up at my house unannounced about 2 weeks after the break up wanting to talk - we talked and stuff and got back together...it lasted another 18 months

 

I think the difference is though i was already having second thoughts.

[sun1972]

ive just read the letter slowly by the way, and its...kind of negative and critical

and i hate seeing stuff about 'ill love you forever' it is kind of cheesy

 

im not saying a letter IS a good idea, but- if the goal is reconciliation

and it is a recent split then i would have thought it would propose ways to address the issues that broke you up?

[Kizmet Fisher]

So, for those of you who have followed my last post about the broken NC and know what's going on... an update is that I have written a letter to my ex girlfriend. I don't know when I will send it. But I think I am eventually going to send it. I'm not really looking for reasons why not to send it.. I would actually look for an honest opinion on the letter. Maybe things that I should clean up, change, etc.

 

Who knows, maybe I won't end up sending it.

 

Again, I'm not doing this to get her back. As part of my step 8 to my recovery, I'm doing this for ME.

.......................................................................................................

I heard that you were missing me. I kind of feel the same way. Although our time apart has been hard on me, it has also been amazing.

It's been amazing b/c I'm starting to learn a lot about myself and what I want.

 

I've learned (and will continue to learn) about the problems w/ in myself as a whole as well as the problems that I took part in for the demise of our relationship.

 

Realizing my faults in this and the faults deep w/ in myself has taught me how to start loving myself again and how to be happy. Both with myself and alone. What I'm learning right now is teaching me what I want with my next relationship.

 

I need you to know that I'm not doing this out of anger, hate or resentment. I'm doing this out of love for you and me and what is healthy for the both of us:

 

I miss you as a gf and companion and I want us to be together in a faithful relationship. Will we have to both keep taking time apart to continue to learn and grow? Absolutely. Will it work? Who knows. It may or it may not. Do I want to get married? Not now. I'm nowhere near ready for any of that. I'm focusing on my happiness, my education, and my career path. Do I want to get married in the future? I honestly couldn't tell you that. I don't know. I don't know what the future holds.

 

I haven't stopped loving you. To an extent, I don't think I ever will. Although, it won't be the same love that I feel now.

 

From what I've heard from my brother,

It's obvious that we want two different things.

I feel like you have nothing to offer me in a relationship and it would be unhealthy for both of us to put ourselves in a position like that.

 

I learned a lot from you and I valued all of our time together. You are one of the best people I know and I wouldn't trade our time together for anything.

 

Will we be friends? Eventually, but it won't happen over night. It will happen when we are both completely indifferent to each other.

 

I gotta keep pushing forward. If you're there in the future, great, but I can't look back for you.

 

Take Care.

 

Regards,

 

Alex.

 

That's a little unkind.

[TylerDurdenn]

If I was sent that I'd vomit.

[Haydn]

I was sent a letter which i will post in the future after all this craziness is over. She basically said she was sorry for hurting me and she hoped for another chance in the future. It was long and rambling and mainly about herself. My reaction was to reply. I didn`t. Because not once in the letter had she said please come back to me, please try again. Not once. She dropped me and was looking for some kind of validation from me. I decided a while ago that i am nobodies plan B. Dont send this awful letter friend.

[MoooOinkBaaa]

I sent my ex a 6000 word e-mail, it's pretty hilarious looking back. You'll laugh your ass off at this one too.

What's weird is I would of gone full NC the first day but she made me feel like I was to blame with her reel of excuses. Her excuses after two months now look so weak. I truly thought I had to apologize as I hurt her by ignoring her after a silly fight but it's clear it wasn't about that in the end.

Edited November 19, 2013 by MoooOinkBaaa

[Armyguy123]

Don't do it. I almost sent a letter than decided to throw it away. You have to understand that your ex is not on the same page as you anymore. She doesn't feel the same way as you and she may miss you, but if she wants to be with you she will let you know. The only reaso. My ex came back briefly was bc I stopped talking to her completly. Even then it wasn't enough. If I had to guess everything she says is BS to try to have sex with you bc she prob wants to be single with the emotional support and sex and is probably lonely. Its all selfishly motivatd. Took me theee months to realize that in my case.

[Froelich87]

I sent my ex a 6000 word e-mail, it's pretty hilarious looking back. You'll laugh your ass off at this one too.

What's weird is I would of gone full NC the first day but she made me feel like I was to blame with her reel of excuses. Her excuses after two months now look so weak. I truly thought I had to apologize as I hurt her by ignoring her after a silly fight but it's clear it wasn't about that in the end.

 

Yeah, Im not gonna send it.

 

But everything you said is spit on with my situation as well. Like to a tee. I'm not her responsibility and yet she is still making me feel like I have to reach out to her b/c she is confused and hurt. How pathetic is that?!

 

I was doing okay until all of this **** hit the fan and it has really started to f#ck with me.

 

I feel like she has broken my heart a 2nd time and in a completely different way.

 

It would be different I think if I knew she wanted nothing to do with me. Yeah, Id be hurting like I was but at least then I was dealing with it.

 

Now, she wants something to do with me... and not just friends. It seems so selfish and hurts me so much more that she would even think of me like that.

 

Idk guys, the pain has come back and hard, and I feel like breaking down but my pride won't let me.

[Froelich87]

Not that it really matters, but she was my first love. First real love anyway.

[Simon Phoenix]

Yeah, Im not gonna send it.

 

But everything you said is spit on with my situation as well. Like to a tee. I'm not her responsibility and yet she is still making me feel like I have to reach out to her b/c she is confused and hurt. How pathetic is that?!

 

I was doing okay until all of this **** hit the fan and it has really started to f#ck with me.

 

I feel like she has broken my heart a 2nd time and in a completely different way.

 

It would be different I think if I knew she wanted nothing to do with me. Yeah, Id be hurting like I was but at least then I was dealing with it.

 

Now, she wants something to do with me... and not just friends. It seems so selfish and hurts me so much more that she would even think of me like that.

 

Idk guys, the pain has come back and hard, and I feel like breaking down but my pride won't let me.

 

She's not making you do anything. You are bringing this on yourself. You poked the bear and the bear started talking sh*t. And if she really wanted you back, she'd contact you -- not passive-aggressively use your brother as a go-between. So no, until she makes a real play, she doesn't want you back. She just wants to know that you are still there as an option and guess what? -- you've pretty much told her that in capital letters and exclamation points through your brother.

 

You need to learn to stop meddling and need to stop imploding and going to sh*t when something out of your control happens.