starlet86 Posted November 17, 2013 Share Posted November 17, 2013 It has been a while since I posted here. I wish I could say that I stuck to my previous vow and stayed away from the attached guy and found a nice single guy but the truth is, I didn't. Well I did for about 2 weeks, so I can't really say I did. I realised once I walked away I missed him. Always the case eh? It was so easy for us to talk again as we have known each other all our lives, talking through text led to hanging out, nothing happening, to sending pictures and talking dirty to having sex again. We have both admitted it is more than just sex and that there are feelings there. We were having a conversation about how any chance we get, we see each other and he said how much he'd hate it if for some reason we couldn't do that anymore and I off the cuff said I hadn't turned him down yet. To which he replied asking me to keep it that way. We flirt, we laugh, we get on so well. I miss him when he is gone. He said it was getting harder to stay away from me and that he now finds any excuse to leave the house and see me and sometimes that worries him but not enough to stop it. Are we still friends or is this now an affair? He doesn't sleep over, we don't go out for dinner or for nights away. We hang out, listen to music, laugh, joke. We don't always have sex. We don't always kiss or even hug, sometimes we are just friends who have to hang out in secret because on of us have another half who refuses to let them have female friends. Then we have nights were we just go crazy for each other. Has my childhood friend developed in to more? Sometimes I have to stop myself from blurting out, "I love you" what is that all about? I don't love him, at least I don't think I do, so why does my brain want me to open that can of worms. I definitely do know that, I like being around him and spending time with him. That I get jealous when I know he is doing something with her and when he leaves me to go home to her. He knows that sometimes my jealousy frustrates me, but likes to remind me that they are only together for their child. Please don't tell me to get out of this, because I don't want to. Not right now anyway. I just want to know if I have now crossed the line from being "the girl he cheated with a few times." to "the girl he had an affair with". Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted November 17, 2013 Share Posted November 17, 2013 Everything you have posted screams "affair". I am just amazed you need to ask. If this relationship is going to continue you need to face the reality that this is an affair and that can make for an incredibly complicated relationship and one that will more than likely cause some people (you or him or his wife or all of you most likely) terrible pain. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
will-ow Posted November 17, 2013 Share Posted November 17, 2013 "Affair" covers a lot of different situations - including an emotional attachment outside a marriage/committed relationship, and sex with another man/woman. So Yes, you're having an affair - you crossed that line the moment you became emotionally attached to him or had sex for a second time.... whichever came first. I think the real question for you to ask yourself is whether or not you want to carry on with it, and you already seem to have answered that one. Good luck honey x Link to post Share on other sites
Author starlet86 Posted November 17, 2013 Author Share Posted November 17, 2013 I guess deep down I knew what it was, I just had to throw it out there and ask for myself, because if it wasn't an affair then it didn't seem so bad. I do want to carry on with it, is that terrible? Link to post Share on other sites
will-ow Posted November 17, 2013 Share Posted November 17, 2013 I guess the answers to that question will vary depending on who's answering. I'm in a very similar position to you, so no I don't think so. I'm sure there are others on here who will judge us both very harshly though! Link to post Share on other sites
Author starlet86 Posted November 17, 2013 Author Share Posted November 17, 2013 We make each other happy, we have fun, we aren't meaning to hurt anyone. We just realised we really wanted to be together when he was in a difficult situation. Which now he can't get out of. There are so many complications to it, but to be honest I like him, I want to continue with things. I am not biting my nose to spite my face regardless of how "immoral" it might. Wow, that sounds harsh. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted November 17, 2013 Share Posted November 17, 2013 But you also have to recognise that people will be hurt by this relationship. It is not going to be straightforward and it could be very frustrating at times. You need to decide what you want, expect and will tolerate. Link to post Share on other sites
Author starlet86 Posted November 17, 2013 Author Share Posted November 17, 2013 I know people will be hurt by it. I have already felt the pangs of hurt and jealousy when I want to see him but I can't because he has to do something with her. I have been frustrated when I've called him and he's told me he can't speak and I want to tell him some awesome news I have just received. It isn't an easy situation to be in. Having been the person to discover their other half has been unfaithful, I am also aware of how devastating this would be if she found out. Somewhere in my head though, the fact I don't like her, I don't owe her anything, I have no loyalties to her and I feel like she kind of brought this on herself allows me to continue guilt free. I guess I don't expect anything from him or this "situation" but I know that if he was to end this and say it has to stop I would probably extremely hurt. I also don't get where this impulse to tell him I love him comes from. Link to post Share on other sites
Author starlet86 Posted November 17, 2013 Author Share Posted November 17, 2013 I don't see how I am a liar in any of this. I don't lie to people about it. As for a shameless heart breaker, why? As I said, I have no loyalty to her. I don't like her. I never have never got on, we have never liked each other and if I am to be really petty when we were teenagers she had no qualms about doing the exact same to me. I don't know if I love him. I don't know if he loves me. That is a conversation I do not wish to have with him at this point. He is my friend first and foremost. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted November 17, 2013 Share Posted November 17, 2013 If he's not leaving her - and what you do is a secret = then yes, it's an affair. Why won't he leave her? Link to post Share on other sites
Author starlet86 Posted November 17, 2013 Author Share Posted November 17, 2013 Mainly because of his daughter. He has worked all his days for what he has, she has told him if he leaves, she will take him for everything and make him fight to see his daughter. He works away, so he rarely gets to see her as it is, yet when he is at home he sees her everyday. She has told him she will move to where her parents are, which is over 200 miles away from where we live, making it likely he will see her for about 7 weeks out the year. Sounds like a cop out, but we both had fathers who walked away and settled for minimum contact and were happy to let other guys raise us for the majority of our lives. I think he is just holding out hoping she leaves or god knows what. I don't see anyway out of it for him until his daughter is old enough to say where she wants to be and who she wants to spend time with. Link to post Share on other sites
janedoe67 Posted November 17, 2013 Share Posted November 17, 2013 I guess I would ask this.... Ifs robbing someone okay as long as you don't like the person? Is murder okay as long as the person is a bad wife? Is stealing from person A without their knowledge alright as long as person B offers you the jewels? Do we decide what is right based on whether or not we like the other person? Some people do. Some people only feel they need to be moral when the person in question is "nice." They let others decide their values. OP, is that you? Or are you a person who wants to do what is honorable even if the people involved are not your best friends? Link to post Share on other sites
Author starlet86 Posted November 17, 2013 Author Share Posted November 17, 2013 They aren't married, sounds quite shocking, but if they were I'd stay away. I do have feelings for him, but love? I am not even at the point where I can bring myself to question if that is what this is. I am more than aware he could do the exact same to me, which is probably why I have never asked or insinuated that he should leave her for me. I am more than aware, I am his play toy and that he probably thinks very little of me. I however for some reason don't want to stop what I am doing and that is frustrating. I know what I am doing is wrong and when it was done to me I blew a gasket and wanted blood, but as I said, no matter how hard I tell myself I should walk away (which I do at times) when it comes down to it, I don't really want to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author starlet86 Posted November 17, 2013 Author Share Posted November 17, 2013 In UK law she can live where ever she chooses with the child as long as she attends court in the country of birth to fight for custody etc. She will still be residing in the childs birth country, just 200 miles down the road. He can't have joint custody as he works away 3-4 weeks at a time, his lawyer told him that a court would not favour him disrupting her schooling for 2 weeks at a time when he is home. His lawyer also advised him that due to his work life he would probably only be granted access for a collective 7 weeks out of year. School holidays permitting. He has contacted a solicitor regarding this and he was basically told, sit tight for a few years if doable until your kid can speak for herself. This however is all irrelevant. I merely came here to ask if this whole thing was now blowing up into something else, from people who have been there. A mere way of getting some opinions from people who are there without me having to expose how I really feel to friends, when I am still trying to work it out for myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author starlet86 Posted November 17, 2013 Author Share Posted November 17, 2013 It must be nice to always be able to take the moral high ground. I hold my hands up and admit I am doing wrong. As for her knocking me out. If she wanted to, then hey that is her prerogative. As I found out, it is always easier to blame the OW than look at what was actually wrong in your own relationship. I will get what is coming to me, I am sure. So you aren't really telling me anything I don't already know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author starlet86 Posted November 17, 2013 Author Share Posted November 17, 2013 No, I am single. I wouldn't cheat on someone. Yup, you read that right. This whole thing started when he was there for me after a heinous break up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author starlet86 Posted November 17, 2013 Author Share Posted November 17, 2013 Yeah. But remember the downside for her is that getting support from him will be very difficult for her.... So frankly, they're both staying because it's convenient this way. That is exactly what he said to me it was. Convenience. She gets a nice house, a nice car, nice clothes, all her friends think that she has a lovely little family and he gets to see his daughter. Link to post Share on other sites
Author starlet86 Posted November 17, 2013 Author Share Posted November 17, 2013 I didn't say her wrongdoings, but there is clearly a flaw in their relationship. It wasn't like I went to him for any of this. He was my friend who decided to show up on my doorstep and tell me he had feelings for me when I felt like hell and from there something else happened. I also have no idea why I am allowing to keep this going. I turn down dates with single guys. I don't really show an interest in other guys. It isn't like he is my last chance, so I don't really know why I keep it going. Link to post Share on other sites
Author starlet86 Posted November 17, 2013 Author Share Posted November 17, 2013 So, theoretically, you're both single, and have no legal ties to anyone else.... The only issues are 'moral' ones, right? What exactly is your problem here, then? He's admitted 'convenience', you've admitted you like it and don't want to stop.... Yes, it's an affair, because he's with someone else in a so-called 'committed' relationship (united by a joint offspring) but then....? My problem with it all is, he does have a girlfriend, regardless of how unconventional it all is. So if it has gone from shameless phukking to more, ie: an affair, then I have to rethink all of this. It seems more sordid when it isn't just black and white anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 17, 2013 Share Posted November 17, 2013 Are we still friends or is this now an affair? He doesn't sleep over, we don't go out for dinner or for nights away. We hang out, listen to music, laugh, joke. We don't always have sex. We don't always kiss or even hug, sometimes we are just friends who have to hang out in secret because on of us have another half who refuses to let them have female friends. Then we have nights were we just go crazy for each other. If you're engaging in behaviors which his partner (or yours, as appropriate) would disapprove of if performed to their knowledge or in front of them, then an affair, by its common description, would likely apply, presuming the behaviors are repetitive. If the partner(s) are being actively deceived, that generally describes 'cheating'. An example of an open affair would be if his partner knows you and the man are together and engage in occasional sexual relations, even if she does not directly view such relations, disapproves and he continues anyway. Of course, she or he can terminate the relationship or negotiate an open relationship but, until one of those options is agreed to or acted upon, the affair continues. It's normal to miss people we are emotionally attached to; however, we still have choices regarding both how those feelings are processed as well as the actions attendant to those processes. A question to ask yourself is 'who's in charge?' Is it your feelings or your combined intellectual and emotional self? You choose. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author starlet86 Posted November 17, 2013 Author Share Posted November 17, 2013 Yes it bothers me. I never thought I would become the person who was the OW. I always thought of myself as having half a brain to know the difference between right and wrong and when to stay the hell away from something. I do want to know why I am in this tangle. I have spoken to my doc about it and they can't really shed any light on it as a few months ago I was the one telling him to stay with his other half and work things out and then boom, I am in bed with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Mcle Posted November 17, 2013 Share Posted November 17, 2013 In this life we do not get to choose what happens but we get to choose who we are. Then we must live with the ramifications of our choices. If you decide you do not "feel like" living with integrity that is your choice of course. This affair obviously hurts his wife/GF and daughter. I know grown adult who are still in pain over an affair one of their parents had. Do you really want to be party o that? However, who it really hurts is you. By lowering yourself to this level you will destroy a piece of your soul. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sunny_Girl Posted November 17, 2013 Share Posted November 17, 2013 (edited) No, I am single. I wouldn't cheat on someone. Yup, you read that right. This whole thing started when he was there for me after a heinous break up. Starlet I remember your backstory with your ex who cheated on you with his ex and moved her into the house you helped him purchase and the pain that caused you. You were so strong to walk away from that because you knew you deserved better. You asked if what you are dealing with is an "affair"? The answer is yes. It's an affair because you're doing what your ex did to you, except you're now the other woman. Edited November 17, 2013 by Sunny_Girl Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted November 18, 2013 Share Posted November 18, 2013 Yes it bothers me. I never thought I would become the person who was the OW. I always thought of myself as having half a brain to know the difference between right and wrong and when to stay the hell away from something. I do want to know why I am in this tangle. I have spoken to my doc about it and they can't really shed any light on it as a few months ago I was the one telling him to stay with his other half and work things out and then boom, I am in bed with him. You never thought you would be the OW - however, you are. Your ACTIONS can change that. You must choose contrary action to get yourself back in track. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted November 18, 2013 Share Posted November 18, 2013 I just want to know if I have now crossed the line from being "the girl he cheated with a few times." to "the girl he had an affair with". What's the difference?!?!?!?! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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