Such Mixed Feelings

[StartingOver4]

Hello everyone. It's been over a year since my last post. Though I have lurked at times. It's been quite a year. After a near-nervous breakdown last October and a difficult holiday season, things began to improve. I'm on a new schooling/career path, things are going smoothly with the kids, and everything has a nice routine to it. My husband and I get along very well - better than we have in years. BUT...

 

I haven't been dating, because I haven't felt ready to be with someone new. Until very recently, I was still wearing my wedding ring. My husband and I still have our finances mingled (I know, probably not smart) because I'm a student and have no income. A couple of weeks ago, I noticed two charges to restaurants that were obviously for more than one person. I texted him, just saying that if he's dating we should probably talk about how were going to approach the kids about it. He said he wasn't, but was pretty squirrelly and vague about it. I had what I thought was a very healthy attitude. I knew it would happen eventually. It wasn't the most pleasant news to get, but I knew he wouldn't pine after me forever. I thought I was in a good place with it.

 

Then last weekend, I noticed he wasn't wearing his ring anymore. I don't know if that's when the bad feelings began. I also saw him Friday (2 days ago while dropping off the kids). Since then, I've been a mess. I can't stop thinking about the good times we had. Last night I cried myself to sleep playing the songs we chose for each other at our wedding.

 

I don't regret leaving. I don't want to get back together. I'm just so very sad that things had to turn out this way. And I realized, I never stopped loving him. He just couldn't love me the way I deserved. He spent 14 years making me feel like I wasn't good enough, until finally I figured out that I never would be. That's why I left. I thought I did all my grieving last fall, but these feelings have just hit me out of left field.

 

Please don't misunderstand. I'm not going to suddenly tell him I want to get back together, just because he's moving on. But I guess the realization that he is has just put how sad the whole thing is in perspective. I look at my two beautiful children, and feel horrible that they have to be shuttled back and forth. We were supposed to make it. It didn't have to be this way. I worry that I'll never love like that again, and I'm completely rewriting marital history. At this point, if it weren't for the weight issues between us, I might be asking to get back together. I probably would never have left.

 

I don't want to go back to feeling like I'm being scrutinized every time I eat a meal that isn't a salad. I don't want to go months without physical intimacy because my husband doesn't find my body attractive. For those who haven't read my posts from last year, I'm talking about 15-20 pounds, after 14 years and two children. I had good reasons for leaving. But there was a time I loved him with all of my heart, and it's breaking right now because he couldn't do the same. I want him to be happy. But why couldn't he accept me and move past what he saw as my flaws? And why am I so damn sad all of a sudden?

 

Thoughts?

[hinatticus]

Hi. I haven't read your previous posts but I can relate to some of what you're saying.

 

I'm not making excuses for your h, but often times people express love in very different ways. They also want to receive love in her different ways. Have you guys tried mc? Where the counselor's goal was to save the marraige? Have you tried IC? Do you mind read what your h thinks? Maybe he was trying to be cute about you eating salads but you misread it as a criticism. Again, I have no idea why you left or if any of you tried counseling.

 

About why you feel sad it's probably because your life is changing again. Finding about your ex dating is always hard news.

[StartingOver4]

Hi. I haven't read your previous posts but I can relate to some of what you're saying.

 

I'm not making excuses for your h, but often times people express love in very different ways. They also want to receive love in her different ways. Have you guys tried mc? Where the counselor's goal was to save the marraige? Have you tried IC? Do you mind read what your h thinks? Maybe he was trying to be cute about you eating salads but you misread it as a criticism. Again, I have no idea why you left or if any of you tried counseling.

 

About why you feel sad it's probably because your life is changing again. Finding about your ex dating is always hard news.

 

I tried to get him to go to MC before we separated, and he refused. He doesn't believe in counseling in general. I'm in IC, and have been for a while. No, I can't read my husband's mind - but we had many, MANY arguments about my weight over the course of 14 years. Bare in mind, it wasn't a lot of weight - but he could never let it go. It was a major point of contention, and not at all a joke on his part. It was about 50% of why I left. I'd rather be alone than be made to feel that way. Which is why these recent feelings are so puzzling.

[alonefornow]

I tried to get him to go to MC before we separated, and he refused. He doesn't believe in counseling in general. I'm in IC, and have been for a while. No, I can't read my husband's mind - but we had many, MANY arguments about my weight over the course of 14 years. Bare in mind, it wasn't a lot of weight - but he could never let it go. It was a major point of contention, and not at all a joke on his part. It was about 50% of why I left. I'd rather be alone than be made to feel that way. Which is why these recent feelings are so puzzling.

 

I'm glad you're in IC as a counselor will definitely be able to help you with these feelings. I'll add two cents here though. In my experience a person that denigrates an attribute in their partner consistently over the course of years is not addressing their partner's issue but one of their own. Whether it's to control, or make themselves feel better by putting others down, or simply out of malice, those arguments were filling some emotional need that no partner of his will ever be able to fill, and had nothing to do with your weight.

 

It seems intellectually that you know this, but perhaps emotionally you're not quite there. That seems to be the healing pattern more often than not. We "know" we shouldn't feel the way we do, but that doesn't change the feelings. When you spend that much time not feeling good enough it's easy to keep that a part of you after separation, especially when your ex starts seeing someone else (or worse, continues to denigrate you). Remember two things: 1) healthy relationships don't have one partner focused on making the other feel not good enough. 2) You make yourself feel good enough, not your partner.

 

You know these, that's why you left. You just need to spend some time pulling your emotions in line with your intellect.

[hinatticus]

I tried to get him to go to MC before we separated, and he refused. He doesn't believe in counseling in general. I'm in IC, and have been for a while. No, I can't read my husband's mind - but we had many, MANY arguments about my weight over the course of 14 years. Bare in mind, it wasn't a lot of weight - but he could never let it go. It was a major point of contention, and not at all a joke on his part. It was about 50% of why I left. I'd rather be alone than be made to feel that way. Which is why these recent feelings are so puzzling.

 

I'm glad you clarified that. He definitely has issues to work on and until he looks at these issues himself they will continue to create problems in his future relationships.

 

I'm sure you are already aware that you make you happy. Whatever you do, do not think you're not good enough based on him dating others.

[StartingOver4]

I'm glad you're in IC as a counselor will definitely be able to help you with these feelings. I'll add two cents here though. In my experience a person that denigrates an attribute in their partner consistently over the course of years is not addressing their partner's issue but one of their own. Whether it's to control, or make themselves feel better by putting others down, or simply out of malice, those arguments were filling some emotional need that no partner of his will ever be able to fill, and had nothing to do with your weight.

 

It seems intellectually that you know this, but perhaps emotionally you're not quite there. That seems to be the healing pattern more often than not. We "know" we shouldn't feel the way we do, but that doesn't change the feelings. When you spend that much time not feeling good enough it's easy to keep that a part of you after separation, especially when your ex starts seeing someone else (or worse, continues to denigrate you). Remember two things: 1) healthy relationships don't have one partner focused on making the other feel not good enough. 2) You make yourself feel good enough, not your partner.

 

You know these, that's why you left. You just need to spend some time pulling your emotions in line with your intellect.

 

Thank you for this. You are absolutely right. I DO know these things. And I have struggled with my self-esteem since I left. I thought I'd feel better immediately after leaving, but I'm learning that after that many years, there are layers of hurt to work through. We were together from the time I was 18, and I guess I was malleable enough that the idea of being somehow inferior became ingrained in me. I bring it up in IC, but it's been slow-going. I get the idea of making yourself feel alright, but when the person you love most can't even accept you...it's just really hard. Thank you again.

[StartingOver4]

I'm glad you clarified that. He definitely has issues to work on and until he looks at these issues himself they will continue to create problems in his future relationships.

 

I'm sure you are already aware that you make you happy. Whatever you do, do not think you're not good enough based on him dating others.

 

Not only does he refuse to work on any issues, but he refuses to believe he even has any! I'm glad I posted today. It's helping me remember the frustration and hurt that caused me to leave in the first place. As alonefornow mentioned, I know I'm a worthy partner. I just need to get to a place where I feel that way as well.