Life'sForgotten Posted December 26, 2004 Share Posted December 26, 2004 In the first few scenes of the Spielberg film Minority Report, we get to see just how the "pre-cogs" work. Tom Cruise's character becomes aware of a crime through the three-or-four women soaked in liquid (the pre-cogs); what makes this crime unique is that it hasn't happened yet. So Tom gathers the rest of his rangers and they're off to prevent a crime before it occurs. The perp is a middle-aged and mild-mannered kinda guy. You get the impression that he has a good life--financially sound, married, lives in a nice neighborhood, the works. Unfortunately, the audience soon realizes that this guy's--Howard was his name, I think--wife is unfaithful in the marriage. As soon as he leaves for work, the wife invites over some loser and they..well..let's just say they begin to "enjoy" their affair. The husband, however, is outside and he sees this guy enter his home. Howard hides throughout the house and has to bare witness to his wife preparing to sleep wtih another man! I'll leave the rest to imagination. Well, it just so happens that I (the BH-betrayed husband) was watching this flick with my wife (the WW-wayward wife). I won't go into the details of her affair, but I can say that we are one of the lucky ones. We decided to reconcile and we've been fighting the "good fight" ever since she confessed. Even our marriage counselor compliments on how much we've achieved. But, getting back to the point, after watching those few scenes, I was reminded of the affair and, of course, the feelings that accompanied it. I withdrew from the outside world--including my wife. She did notice and I could tell that it hurt her. She even asked what she coudl do to make me feel better. I told her....nothing. Because, honestly, what could she have done to wipe those memories and emotions from my mind and body? SHe's a devoted wife, but she isn't a miracle worker. My marriage counselor calls what i had experienced a "trigger"--or anything that serves as a reminder to the painful past. And I was wondering did any of you guys ever experience something similiar? Link to post Share on other sites
reasontosigh Posted December 26, 2004 Share Posted December 26, 2004 Originally posted by Life'sForgotten ......My marriage counselor calls what i had experienced a "trigger"--or anything that serves as a reminder to the painful past. And I was wondering did any of you guys ever experience something similiar? Triggers are a bee-itch, that's for sure. I am in the process of moving. Not far, just a couple of miles - back within the city limits. What started it all was over 5 years ago. When I moved then, it was after having Mr. Ex arrested for domestic violence. He got really drunk one night and beat the crap out of me not long after......guess what?.....I discovered he was having an affair. So I moved out of state on the advice of family. Problem is, one of the people who took me in (the S.O. of a sibling) didn't really have my best interests at heart - she was only interested in what she could get out of me. So when she found out I didn't have a penny to my name, once again the cycle of domestic abuse started - psychological and verbal. Fortunately I was rescued yet again just before things escalated to the physical realm. At least that time I was able to see things far more clearly in spite of the fact I was still recovering from the first incident, and was able to get help quickly. Needless to say, even though moving is stressful in itself - even when it's a good thing - I have some extra issues with it. I have moved several times since that last incident - once interstate, the other two (including this one) minor moves. None of the moves I've made have been entirely trigger-free - but the passage of time, and a bit of soul-searching and insight, do seem to help reduce their severity. ........we've been fighting the "good fight" ever since she confessed. ........ For how long, may I ask? Perhaps your marriage counselor can recommend a therapist for you should you find these triggers too tough to deal with. Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted December 26, 2004 Share Posted December 26, 2004 Yes, i think triggers like that are something many of us experience. You can overcome a past hurt, but every now and then a place/song/movie whatever reminds you, and the old feelings flood back in. I think time helps them fade, so the impact of the trigger gradually lessons. So hopefully it will get easier for you in time. Good on you and your wife for doing so well. I wish you all the best. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted December 27, 2004 Share Posted December 27, 2004 Yeah, I think all of us have to deal with those "triggers". A few days ago the wife and I were riding in the car with our daughter (who loves country music), when the song "When I Think About Cheating" came on. I didn't say anything, the daughter sang along to it like she does everything else, and the wife just kept driving. But, all I could think of was "Why couldn't my wife had thought like that???". I didn't even think she'd noticed anything...I tried to play it off like it hadn't bothered me. About an hour later, she says..."Its cause of that song, isn't it?". She knew it was bothering me. I don't know much about your situation friend...it's been almost 8 months since everything came out in the open with us. And we too are some of the ones working through everything. I can tell you that the pain seems to fade over time...I didn't feel as bad about this "trigger" as I have on others in the past. Good luck. Just hold in there, keep focused on the love you have for each other, and try to let the memories go out of focus. Link to post Share on other sites
sylviaguardian Posted January 11, 2005 Share Posted January 11, 2005 There is nothing much you can do about the triggers. They are a biological repsonse to a situation that has threatened us in the past and reminds us that we might be in the same situation again. It's the same as the 'fight-or-flight' response we get at interviews etc - useful to cavemen, but not to us now. When you have a trigger, it can help to remind yourself that the danger is over. Otherwise acknowledge it and accept that they will lessen in time. Shirley Glass' book 'Not Just Good Friends' gives useful advice on how to lessen their impact. I remember when I broke up with a man whom I loved very much, hearing a song on the radio or in a bar that was 'our song' felt like I'd been stabbed. Now I can hear the song and not even connect it to him - I just enjoy it for itself. Hang in there. Sylvia Link to post Share on other sites
ThumbingMyWay Posted January 11, 2005 Share Posted January 11, 2005 aaaahhh...yes the "triggers". will be 6 months mid-Jan...and I still get a few now and then. Had 2 in the last 3 weeks. But they are very few and far between....and they dont bother me as much......time heals. I have healed my mind to a point were, I can recognize the feeling....process it....and dispose of it.....hurts still, but I manage it alot better than I used to at the beginning of this ride. It does get better...you just have to let it... Link to post Share on other sites
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