are there any surefire signs of an impending divorce??

[megamommy]

Marriage is a beautiful thing, when it works, you can picture yourself getting married having a happy life but what happens when that happy life is just a facade? When you aren't happy?

 

My MM has been married to his wife for four years, they dated for ONE year before getting married. They dated for a year in high school and she left him for someone else.

 

 

According to him there is alot of distance between them, she's extremely moody and defensive when he tries to talk to her about their problems, there is also limited affection and little to no sex.

 

My question is, can you tell when someone is going to end up getting divorced? Are there any sure fire signs of it happening in the future??

 

We are both trying hard to remain friends but our feelings prevent us from going by the rules we have set in place. We have been friends for a very long time. He informed me today that he is trying to figure out what he wants it's just taking him some time.

 

He is out of town for 3 weeks for work, and he has been talking to me non stop, on the phone, video chat and texting ever since he got through security at the airport, it's not like him. It's also not like him to be so open about everything that's going on.

 

His wife has also become very suspicious over the past week an a half, which was the last time I saw him. She makes comments about who he's talking to on FB, has asked him if he's going to see his GF after work and has even singled me out on FB as "that girl that has a crush on you".

 

 

I feel they are heading for D-Day, the question is how long is it going to take and will it actually happen.

 

It would be great to hear from men that have gone through an affair and filed for divorce.

[carhill]

IMO, in my jurisdiction, one clear sign would be a case summary showing an initial filing/service confirmation, response as appropriate, and acceptance of financial disclosures. This means there is evidence that the initial filing has be served, responded as appropriate and both parties have filed financial disclosures with the court. If this is seen without a lot of procedural errors or extraneous reporting of motions, then IMO that's a good sign that the lawsuit is well underway and proceeding as smoothly as can be expected without knowing more details.

 

Secondarily, there would be evidence of separation of domiciles. An example of that would be residence of the man/woman away from the historical family home. In our case, I retained residence since the asset was sole and separate, predating M, and bought exW a new house, so evidence of the move (mail, utilities, credit cards, etc) would point to separation of physical contact. In our case, the new house was deeded into her name, so easily searched by name at the county recorder's office/site.

 

There are other things but IMO those are the major ones, and all independently verifiable.

 

If a woman were to tell me she was 'getting divorced', as an assuagement of my concerns about her being 'available', I'd simply ask for the docket/case summary number and look it up. Any hesitation would be a canary. Verify, then trust.

[bentleychic]

Just guard your heart as best as possible and realize that even if a d-day DOES happen, it does not mean that a divorce is going to happen.

[Got it]

Outside of a separation agreement the answer is no. Because people are so varied, behavior coming up to a divorce can be diverse and varied. Nor is a dday indicative of a guaranteed divorce.

 

I will say that his saying that he needs time to figure out what he wants to do is a good sign that he is not firmly in the divorce camp. While I am not a man, I knew I was seriously thinking about divorce a good year prior, and I knew months before that I was definitely going to divorce. So when we started our affair I was very clear on this piece (and I left three weeks into the affair).

 

For him, he was quite clear on divorcing but not as much on the time line (he had been planning on waiting for the kids to become adults). So it was a little over a year before he separated.

 

My best advice, before going fully down the slippery slope, hold off on the affair until he separates. If you do engage in an affair lay out your boundaries and understand that you have no control over him. The only control you have is over yourself and your actions.

 

Good luck!

[carhill]

I feel they are heading for D-Day, the question is how long is it going to take and will it actually happen.

 

Sorry, forgot this one. IMO 'D-day' and divorce are discreet and separate issues and are connected in no way. Your title asked about 'impending divorce', which I read to mean 'impending marital dissolution'.

 

If you want a timeline from first discovery/disclosure to dissolution by the court, my anecdote would be about 3.5 years. I would say about a year was spent on procedural errors so, optimistically, 2.5 years. Practically speaking though, once a D is filed, most parties around here get involved with new partners, so that would reduce the timeline to around 2 years.

 

As an anecdote in the other direction, my old MW's D took nearly six years and she had been living with her new BF for about 2 years before the D was final. In my own case, my exW was living with her current BF for about six months before the D was final. Each situation is different.

[GatsbyMH]

There are no guarantees. No certainties at all. When the papers are signed I would say that is when. No matter how terrible it seems for them you can never tell when or if it will happen.

 

I'm the OM in my situation. Two months ago she told me she told her husband that they were going to split up. Seemed very legit. Besides them, I was the only one who knew. I got so happy! Then it just kind of faded away. Like they both decided to pretend it never happened. They have two young kids and wanted to get past the holidays first. She wants to "fix him" so he isn't so bad off in his next relationship.

 

She tells me she is planning for an end of January split. I'm trying to be patient but not get my hopes up too much. I guess we will see.

[megamommy]

Outside of a separation agreement the answer is no. Because people are so varied, behavior coming up to a divorce can be diverse and varied. Nor is a dday indicative of a guaranteed divorce.

 

I will say that his saying that he needs time to figure out what he wants to do is a good sign that he is not firmly in the divorce camp. While I am not a man, I knew I was seriously thinking about divorce a good year prior, and I knew months before that I was definitely going to divorce. So when we started our affair I was very clear on this piece (and I left three weeks into the affair).

 

For him, he was quite clear on divorcing but not as much on the time line (he had been planning on waiting for the kids to become adults). So it was a little over a year before he separated.

 

My best advice, before going fully down the slippery slope, hold off on the affair until he separates. If you do engage in an affair lay out your boundaries and understand that you have no control over him. The only control you have is over yourself and your actions.

 

Good luck!

 

 

Naturally the only sign of a divorce is if it is already in action legally. Our affair started out as an emotional one. we found each other on FB. We talked for 3 months every day then slept together a week ago. We both said we should stop, it's not good, it wont' be good for anyone but we can't. We have both wanted to be with one another for YEARS. The feelings have been there since before he got married, so it's difficult.

 

I have laid out the boundaries, we can talk, we can flirt we can dirty talk but we will NOT be meeting up anywhere without our children or friends around.

 

 

Wouldn't it be nice if we had a magic 8 ball?

[carhill]

OP, relevant to the magic 8 ball, even such obvious signs as separate domiciles and distance can be insufficient, as outlined by the concerns raised in this thread. It's difficult to impossible to ever know with any certainty what's in another person's mind.

 

IMO, if you're saying he's wanted to be with you 'for years', even from before he was married, everything else here will be mere formality. A motivated man let's no obstacle dissuade him from his goal. Lawyers are hired, judges are engaged, mediators are worked to death. A man 'gets it done'.

[whichwayisup]

As long as he is still living in the house, sleeping in the same bed, sharing household duties, living life together aka socializing with friends, family, celebrating the holidays together, that's not a couple 'about to divorce'. It's a couple who both have issues they need to fix. It's about HIM being a liar and a cheater and now she's suspicious. So, if he is really is unhappy, why not just admit his affair, say he's done with the marriage? Move out, separate and file for D?

 

You can speculate all you want, spend time with him all you want, it doesn't mean he's done with his marriage. He still is getting something out of it. Whether it's healthy or not doesn't matter, point is, he will divorce when he is ready to. Or, his wife finds out, is fed up and doesn't feel the marriage is worth saving, since you say (that's not fact either!) that they have problems, he's unhappy.

 

If she was that unhappy and wanted a D, she'd file and not care at all if he was cheating, she'd just want out. Neither one seem in a rush to end things..Actions here count so no matter how often he sees and talks to you doesn't mean the divorce.

[thecharade]

Loving you and leaving the M are unrelated. He could spend 24 hours a day with you and stay M. It took my brain years to absorb this truth. He needs to be done with the M. Period. He needs to imagine holidays changed, relatives lost, and universal disapproval. All of that has to sound better than staying M to his W. His love for you is honestly not part of the equation. And only you know how much he enjoys or needs or identifies with (or doesn't) his married status.

[MissBee]

Marriage is a beautiful thing, when it works, you can picture yourself getting married having a happy life but what happens when that happy life is just a facade? When you aren't happy?

 

My MM has been married to his wife for four years, they dated for ONE year before getting married. They dated for a year in high school and she left him for someone else.

 

 

According to him there is alot of distance between them, she's extremely moody and defensive when he tries to talk to her about their problems, there is also limited affection and little to no sex.

 

My question is, can you tell when someone is going to end up getting divorced? Are there any sure fire signs of it happening in the future??

 

We are both trying hard to remain friends but our feelings prevent us from going by the rules we have set in place. We have been friends for a very long time. He informed me today that he is trying to figure out what he wants it's just taking him some time.

 

He is out of town for 3 weeks for work, and he has been talking to me non stop, on the phone, video chat and texting ever since he got through security at the airport, it's not like him. It's also not like him to be so open about everything that's going on.

 

His wife has also become very suspicious over the past week an a half, which was the last time I saw him. She makes comments about who he's talking to on FB, has asked him if he's going to see his GF after work and has even singled me out on FB as "that girl that has a crush on you".

 

 

I feel they are heading for D-Day, the question is how long is it going to take and will it actually happen.

 

It would be great to hear from men that have gone through an affair and filed for divorce.

 

I don't think divorce is like the weather or where one needs to be looking for signs of it in this mysterious kind of way. I don't think there are sure fire signs, rather, there are choices. It is not something that happens to you generally, but someone has to choose to do it.

 

So for me, I wouldn't be focused on "sure signs"...the person chooses to divorce or they don't and if he is actually serious about you then he should keep you in the loop about what he chooses to do.

 

Too many people sit speculating all kinds of things about the MP's marriage, that whether true or false, doesn't really change their reality. Some people would seem to have sure fire signs of impending divorce and they don't divorce at all...so there is no magic sign, all there is are choices.

 

Having an affair doesn't always mean a person wants to or is ready to get a divorce or that they ever will, as so many OW/OM have come to discover. Therefore, I don't think looking for signs or reading into his behaviors will confirm anything for sure. The only thing which will confirm it is his choice to actually get a divorce.

[veryhappy]

Research FAQs | The Gottman InstituteThe Gottman Institute

Start here, #9 is what you are looking for.

 

My advice would be to not give a crap about his m or divorce. It will only hurt you.

[Got it]

As long as he is still living in the house, sleeping in the same bed, sharing household duties, living life together aka socializing with friends, family, celebrating the holidays together, that's not a couple 'about to divorce'. It's a couple who both have issues they need to fix. It's about HIM being a liar and a cheater and now she's suspicious. So, if he is really is unhappy, why not just admit his affair, say he's done with the marriage? Move out, separate and file for D?

 

You can speculate all you want, spend time with him all you want, it doesn't mean he's done with his marriage. He still is getting something out of it. Whether it's healthy or not doesn't matter, point is, he will divorce when he is ready to. Or, his wife finds out, is fed up and doesn't feel the marriage is worth saving, since you say (that's not fact either!) that they have problems, he's unhappy.

 

If she was that unhappy and wanted a D, she'd file and not care at all if he was cheating, she'd just want out. Neither one seem in a rush to end things..Actions here count so no matter how often he sees and talks to you doesn't mean the divorce.

 

While I have no interest in giving false hope I will say the bolded is not actually true in all cases. I was doing just the above but still planning on divorcing. Even while we were divorcing we still got together, etc. as we were very amicable.

 

So not everyone is like that, so again goes back to my post that there are really little signs that will tell you, and even the above can be happening and still doesn't mean one way or the other.

[imfine]

When I was heading for divorce I filed legally, moved out, and took the first court date available. I got a divorce. Lots of married people think about wanting to get out every. single. day. People who really want a divorce, get divorced. Fifty percent of marriages end that way, so it's not too complicated. If he's done none of the above, there's no impending divorce.

[thefooloftheyear]

Heck, they can even divoce and then reconcile-just when you think you are out of the woods.....

 

Only thing you can truly count on is that you are going to die and you better pay your taxes...

 

In life, what someone says to you only counts for that very moment..A whole host of events and circumstances can turn the whole thing around..

 

I wish you all the best and hope that it all goes your way..

 

TFY

[velvette]

Actually, I think someone cheating only 4 years into a M is a likely candidate for D. That being said, it could be years down the road.

 

Most people who actually want and plan to D are busy talking to lawyers, filing, sorting things out rather than having A.

[carhill]

OP,Velvette makes a really good point about the short-term nature of his current M, combined with the dynamic shared regarding their history and your interactions prior to his M.

 

Building on that, a strong indicator of impending divorce would be a clear disclosure of the affair and open and conspicuous association, transparent to family, friends, colleagues, etc. Essentially, socially, he's signaling the end of one relationship and the beginning/continuation of another. As, generally, affairs are frowned upon socially, whether people say anything directly or not, this act will indicate courage to rub up against society's boundaries and push back, forwarding one's own agenda in open defiance to that of society.

 

IME, there are two parts to divorce. One is the legal part, which I covered prior. The second is the social part. Each of us processes that individually. IMO, the longer he stays in the A, the more concerned I would be that the social part has gained the upper hand in his decision-making process, presuming he would otherwise desire to be with you openly as a couple.

[megamommy]

OP,Velvette makes a really good point about the short-term nature of his current M, combined with the dynamic shared regarding their history and your interactions prior to his M.

 

Building on that, a strong indicator of impending divorce would be a clear disclosure of the affair and open and conspicuous association, transparent to family, friends, colleagues, etc. Essentially, socially, he's signaling the end of one relationship and the beginning/continuation of another. As, generally, affairs are frowned upon socially, whether people say anything directly or not, this act will indicate courage to rub up against society's boundaries and push back, forwarding one's own agenda in open defiance to that of society.

 

IME, there are two parts to divorce. One is the legal part, which I covered prior. The second is the social part. Each of us processes that individually. IMO, the longer he stays in the A, the more concerned I would be that the social part has gained the upper hand in his decision-making process, presuming he would otherwise desire to be with you openly as a couple.

 

 

This is pretty much what I have been getting from it. He's so willing to go outside of his marriage to find someone who gives him exactly what he needs. We compliment each other very very well. He and his wife have the same sign (both Cancers) and I think they are too much alike, in the beginning their similarities are what brought them together, but it's the negative similarities that are driving them apart. Neither wants to talk about their problems, she is defensive and there is alot of distance between them. I truly feel he's headed towards making a decision on a divorce, but we just found out she is pregnant with their 2nd child so it's going to be a while before he decides to leave. The affair was going on before we knew.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

This is pretty much what I have been getting from it. He's so willing to go outside of his marriage to find someone who gives him exactly what he needs. We compliment each other very very well. He and his wife have the same sign (both Cancers) and I think they are too much alike, in the beginning their similarities are what brought them together, but it's the negative similarities that are driving them apart. Neither wants to talk about their problems, she is defensive and there is alot of distance between them. I truly feel he's headed towards making a decision on a divorce, but we just found out she is pregnant with their 2nd child so it's going to be a while before he decides to leave. The affair was going on before we knew.

 

 

With this knowledge, I would say (from experience) he isn't going anywhere. It is unlikely.

 

I have known several marriages that have survived infidelity and some that haven't. The ones I know that didn't, the man made the decision to leave and he left (one in particular left the day after his 25th anniversary and she had no clue anything was wrong) and he went to be with his AP and they are now together.

 

It is very unlikely he is leaving, especially with this new baby coming. My advice would be to focus on yourself entirely. Wondering whether or not divorce is impending will not help you at all and, frankly, it doesn't matter at this point. If they are together, knowing what is happening there does not help you to heal.

 

Go NC with this guy and let him work out his issues within his own marriage.

 

And I am speaking as a FOW and a BS.

Edited November 19, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Thread has no edits nor deletes, so member was mistaken

[megamommy]

The thing is. We aren't fully having an A.

 

It started as one, got physical and we both put an end to it. We would rather save our long term friendship than risk losing eachother all together..

 

 

I ask simply out of curiosity as I am trying to work things out with my husband, my friend or AP if you will has been asking me to research the signs leading to divorce..

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Well good luck - I hope it works out. You would be one of the few if you are able to remain friends with him, but in my experience it just doesn't work out.

[Owl]

Odds are...when he has a d-day, he'll be forced to make a choice, right then.

 

If he chooses you...he loses his wife.

 

If he chooses her...his wife will INSIST that he lose you.

 

Once the two of you started down this path, one of the two relationships was doomed to end completely at some point.

 

He will be FORCED to chose, one way or another...or have her make that choice for him by either kicking him out of her life if he doesn't end his contact with you, or by walking away and leaving him completely.

 

And the odds are...he's not ready for either of those choices just yet.

 

As far as surefire signs of divorce...there aren't any. My wife were considering seperation as a result of her EA...and we reconciled afterwards. That was nearly 10 years ago now, and we're happily married/recovered. It could happen that they divorce...or it might not. You won't know until it happens...and even then, there are no garauntees that he'll stay with you.

[violet1]

Naturally the only sign of a divorce is if it is already in action legally. Our affair started out as an emotional one. we found each other on FB. We talked for 3 months every day then slept together a week ago. We both said we should stop, it's not good, it wont' be good for anyone but we can't. We have both wanted to be with one another for YEARS. The feelings have been there since before he got married, so it's difficult.

 

I have laid out the boundaries, we can talk, we can flirt we can dirty talk but we will NOT be meeting up anywhere without our children or friends around.

 

 

Wouldn't it be nice if we had a magic 8 ball?

 

Like another poster stated, guard your heart. If there's a D Day, be prepared for possibly being thrown under the bus. People stay in unhappy marriages for all sorts of reasons. Unless he's physically moved out and started the divorce paperwork, I wouldn't count on it.

[Got it]

The thing is. We aren't fully having an A.

 

It started as one, got physical and we both put an end to it. We would rather save our long term friendship than risk losing eachother all together..

 

 

I ask simply out of curiosity as I am trying to work things out with my husband, my friend or AP if you will has been asking me to research the signs leading to divorce..

 

Why is he asking you to research signs leading to divorce? Why doesn't he research it?

 

What will research it do for him?

 

Mega - if you are married as well what are you hoping to get out of the two relationships? Are you considering divorcing? I started off as a MOW, my best advice, stop straddling the fence and figure out out what you want for your life. Not which man but what kind of life you want. Whether or not one divorces should not have to do with whether a person is waiting in the wings. You need to divorce because there is nothing to salvage in the marriage. Are you there yet? If not, focus on your marriage and invest there 100% and see what can be salvaged. Right now you have one foot in, one foot out and never fully invested in your life. I speak from experience. I don't regret divorcing at all, my ex and I are very amicable and he is very happily remarried. But if I felt that there was one iota of interest there, I would have focused there. The last thing you ever want is a dday.

[peaksandvalleys]

One sure fire sign is the BS filing and kicking him out or moving out themselves.