Lisa Posted January 20, 2001 Share Posted January 20, 2001 Hey guys, I am in a really frustrating situation, and I just need help. I have been dating a guy who is three years younger than me. He is 24 and I am 27. We have an amazing relationship. The problem is two-fold. First of all, he has told me that he never ever wants to get married and have children. I don't expect him to at this age, nor have we been dating long enough to even discuss that. However, he told me a few days ago, that he thought I should know what his future goals are, and marriage isn't one of them. He also said that he won't change his mind as he grows older, he knows that he doesn't want the life of a married couple/family. Nonetheless, he wants exlusivity with me, and is completely devoted and loving to me. I am 27 years old, and I don't know if I should end things right now, because he may be a dead end. Secondly, even if he does want to get married in the near future, he isn't any sort of man who can take care of me. He isn't financially established at this point, and who knows if he will ever be. He does have a good job now , and works hard, but what if he never amounts to what I am looking for? I am so torn, because I have totally fallen head over heels for him. I feel that he is giving me mixed signals by telling me on one hand that he only wants me, and yet says in the next sentence marriage is never in the cards for him, with me or anyone else. I feel like I love him already, and I just don't know if I should give him up for these two issues. Should I hang around and wait? I am not getting any younger, but I finally found a man who makes me happy. Am I wrong to continue getting deeper with him, or do I nip a beautiful relationship in the bud before I get really hurt? Please advise me on this, I don't know what the right thing to do is. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted January 20, 2001 Share Posted January 20, 2001 Hanging in there with a man who does not share your goals and who doesn't seem to be going financially in the direction you require is a losing proposition. Regardless of his age, he seems very intent on not getting married and not having children at this time. More than likely, he will change his mind at age 35 or 40 but don't bet on it...and you will be close to being or entirely out of child bearing age at that time anyway. Love has nothing to do with it. You do not share the same lifestyle choices in several very important areas. Cut your losses and go find someone who comes lots closer to being what you want. Yes, you could hang out with him a bit more...and fall for him harder...but you will truly resent him later when he gets himself fixed and you want to have a family and money to make house and car payments. You have a good head on your shoulders. This is a question you have already answered for yourself. I hope this validation will be enough for you to change your course. Link to post Share on other sites
WGirl Posted January 21, 2001 Share Posted January 21, 2001 You need to decide what is more important. Is it more important that you are with your soulmate although he may not want to get married and have children or are you going to be devastated if you don't get married and have kids? It depends on where your goals and priorities lie. It sounds like a tough decision. At least he is being honest with you and not stringing you along. You should think everything through. If you decide that you want to get married, then I would suggest not seeing him any longer. You aren't going to change his mind from the sounds of it. I could be wrong but I sense that you already know what you want. Hey guys, I am in a really frustrating situation, and I just need help. I have been dating a guy who is three years younger than me. He is 24 and I am 27. We have an amazing relationship. The problem is two-fold. First of all, he has told me that he never ever wants to get married and have children. I don't expect him to at this age, nor have we been dating long enough to even discuss that. However, he told me a few days ago, that he thought I should know what his future goals are, and marriage isn't one of them. He also said that he won't change his mind as he grows older, he knows that he doesn't want the life of a married couple/family. Nonetheless, he wants exlusivity with me, and is completely devoted and loving to me. I am 27 years old, and I don't know if I should end things right now, because he may be a dead end. Secondly, even if he does want to get married in the near future, he isn't any sort of man who can take care of me. He isn't financially established at this point, and who knows if he will ever be. He does have a good job now , and works hard, but what if he never amounts to what I am looking for? I am so torn, because I have totally fallen head over heels for him. I feel that he is giving me mixed signals by telling me on one hand that he only wants me, and yet says in the next sentence marriage is never in the cards for him, with me or anyone else. I feel like I love him already, and I just don't know if I should give him up for these two issues. Should I hang around and wait? I am not getting any younger, but I finally found a man who makes me happy. Am I wrong to continue getting deeper with him, or do I nip a beautiful relationship in the bud before I get really hurt? Please advise me on this, I don't know what the right thing to do is. Link to post Share on other sites
Rosali Posted January 21, 2001 Share Posted January 21, 2001 Love has nothing to do with it!!!! Tony, how can you be so cynical? Love has a hell of alot to do with it. My husband and I married five years ago. He is younger than me by eight years. He was a factory worker when we married, not earning alot of money, and very clear on the fact he never wanted children. I am now pregnant and he was the one who decided it was time to have kids! He also earns a very decent wage now as he has moved up the ranks and we have a good comfortable life. We married for one simple reason and the only reason I believe you should get married - LOVE. It has nothing to do with a good head on your shoulders and everything to do with how you feel about the person. He made me so happy even as a factory worker and he makes me so happy now. People change over the years, situations change, opinions change, everything changes. Love is the only thing that has stayed constant in our lives. Her man may be poor now but give him time to work up to something - he's so young, for gods sake. He's barely started his life, give him a chance. And her man may be against kids and marriage, but cripes - people change man! My husband is just as, if not more, excited about our bubs on the way. And when I married him, he was adamant about NEVER having kids. I too thought about this, but then I thought I love this man enough to want to marry him regardless. Tony, love has everything to do with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted January 21, 2001 Share Posted January 21, 2001 I am really happy things worked out nicely for you. Yes, sometimes we take gambles when we're young. Lisa can make up her mind for herself on whether she wants to take the gamble. But it's insane on the face of it for someone who wants children to marry someone who definitely does not...on the possibility he may change his mind. Also, for you maybe love had something to do with it. But a lot of people who are madly in love have no reason being together for lots of other reasons. You are an exception and if I were you I would be grateful every minute of every day for being one of those exceptions. It is refreshing to read a post like yours and to know there are wonderful storybook relationships happening out there. You are lucky indeed. Link to post Share on other sites
Juds Posted January 21, 2001 Share Posted January 21, 2001 This seems to me a typical situation of "if I love him enough he'll change". We women do it all the time. So many women believe that if their man loves them enough then he will change. So often this is not the case. I guess that you could take the gamble and stay with this man, perhaps he'll change his mind, perhaps he won't. He sounds pretty adamant about not wanting marriage and kids. I would be very careful in my decisions. Are you willing to sacrifice those things for your love? Will you resent him when you are older? Will being with him be enough for you? Believe him when he say he doesn't want those things. Work out what YOU want, then make your mind up. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted January 21, 2001 Share Posted January 21, 2001 Juds gives some pretty sound, grounded, rational advice here...not quite as radical as mine. These are some very good thoughts for consideration. Let's face it. Love is a gamble all the way around. There are no free lunches. Link to post Share on other sites
Juds Posted January 21, 2001 Share Posted January 21, 2001 Thanks Tony. Now i just need to learn to practise what I preach!! lol :) Link to post Share on other sites
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