petitefleur Posted November 18, 2013 Share Posted November 18, 2013 This stupid problem is ruining not only my relationship with my close friends and family but also with the first guy I've ever dated. I'm 27 years old, never been in a relationship, never been kissed (as off 2 weeks ago) and never had sex or any kind of intimate activity with another person. I've been going out with this guy I met online for three weeks and the moment he tried to kiss me I pulled back. He was very turned off and left very quickly. I apologized for the awkwardness and when we went out again he tried to kiss me again and I can't help trying to avoid it. Why? And to make things worse I over-think everything and when this guy is trying to kiss me I'm TOO aware. I cannot let myself go. Even when I'm touched by random people I kind of recoil... I suppose the real problem is I don't want to be seen as vulnerable. I barely express my feelings towards people or situations that affect me, be it love, sadness or anger. I always downplay these emotions. I can only openly admit I love my dog and my stupid celebrity crushes. I love my mom way more and I can't say it. She asks me sometimes if I do and I say yes of course and even that is hard to say. This problem also makes me come across as disconnected and aloof with my friends even when I really care. How can I fix this? I'm going to lose the only one opportunity I've ever had with a guy because I'm crazy!!! Update: a guy friend told me once I reminded him of a feral cat... Link to post Share on other sites
Author petitefleur Posted November 20, 2013 Author Share Posted November 20, 2013 bump bump help? Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted November 20, 2013 Share Posted November 20, 2013 dated recently had a very strong recoil reflex........with both....when they went in for the kiss......i was going nah nah nah in my head........so i didnt enjoy it when they were kissing and ...ok.....not even going there...... the first kiss should never be long or involve tongue but light fleeting simply a whisper fo a kiss,warmth dry a little firm pressure.....and then gone......but then a promise of more to come another day...should be sweet not hooverish.......i dont mean lips puckered like eating lemon kissing but soft lips warm mouth fleeting kiss....sweet........ you dont have to be experienced to do this its really simple and then a later stage you get to know the person those fleeting kisses are given by, you see which way they move in and it becomes seamless.........easy.....still sweet but longer with the sweetness...dont panic...i find a have a recoil reflex when its wrong for me......that includes touching...i recoil...i physically stop their hands...because it isnt the right guy and it isnt the right time,......when i am ready i dont have that recoil and if its the guy i really do like i wouldnt either...i hope......good luck.......deb Link to post Share on other sites
Agent Orange Posted November 20, 2013 Share Posted November 20, 2013 Have you ever talked to a therapist about this? It doesn't sound like you have a problem being vulnerable, but more of an issue with intimacy - which can cause a distaste for vulnerability. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author petitefleur Posted November 22, 2013 Author Share Posted November 22, 2013 dated recently had a very strong recoil reflex........with both....when they went in for the kiss......i was going nah nah nah in my head........so i didnt enjoy it when they were kissing and ...ok.....not even going there...... the first kiss should never be long or involve tongue but light fleeting simply a whisper fo a kiss,warmth dry a little firm pressure.....and then gone......but then a promise of more to come another day...should be sweet not hooverish.......i dont mean lips puckered like eating lemon kissing but soft lips warm mouth fleeting kiss....sweet........ you dont have to be experienced to do this its really simple and then a later stage you get to know the person those fleeting kisses are given by, you see which way they move in and it becomes seamless.........easy.....still sweet but longer with the sweetness...dont panic...i find a have a recoil reflex when its wrong for me......that includes touching...i recoil...i physically stop their hands...because it isnt the right guy and it isnt the right time,......when i am ready i dont have that recoil and if its the guy i really do like i wouldnt either...i hope......good luck.......deb I turned this guy off big time, he must have felt he was abusing me or something even though I giggled while pulling back from him. We wrestled a bit, it was cute in my head but ever since he stopped contact. I did not feel anything though, he's a nice guy but it may have not been the right time. My first kiss with him wasn't anything like you described Have you ever talked to a therapist about this? It doesn't sound like you have a problem being vulnerable, but more of an issue with intimacy - which can cause a distaste for vulnerability. No Never been to a therapist... I do think I have a huge problem displaying vulnerability AND an intimacy issue. I have a hard time appearing vulnerable even when the situation isn't intimate or has anything to do with people getting close to me. I'm a mess. Link to post Share on other sites
DrSimple Posted November 22, 2013 Share Posted November 22, 2013 Well there are two ways I can think of to approach your situation. 1. Be open with your date Be very up front about your past, if they judge you on it then they aren't suited to you anyway. This will alleviate any pressure you feel about hiding the fact, and allow you to be open with your own issues surrounding your fear of physical intimacy. The downside is it could be hard to find a good man that can be patient and understanding. That being said if the right one does come along and shows you he can be trusted, then it would be easier for you. 2. Break your own mold Push past your fears and make it happen. It is hard but perhaps what you just need to do is go out there and kiss a few lame ducks to realize it isn't really a big deal. The first time you do something, no matter what it may be, you are pushing your limits as a person. Once you push past the limit (in this case a kiss) then you can become comfortable with your new found space. So take that fear, jam it down inside and just go for it. Once you do it you will no longer be afraid. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Pearl27 Posted November 23, 2013 Share Posted November 23, 2013 (edited) Well there are two ways I can think of to approach your situation. 1. Be open with your date Be very up front about your past, if they judge you on it then they aren't suited to you anyway. This will alleviate any pressure you feel about hiding the fact, and allow you to be open with your own issues surrounding your fear of physical intimacy. The downside is it could be hard to find a good man that can be patient and understanding. That being said if the right one does come along and shows you he can be trusted, then it would be easier for you. Apologies, but I disagree very much with this. There is no need to be that open with someone like that, especially in the early stages of a relationship. Knowing so much about someone can scare the other person off as a "too much, too soon" kind of thing. Also, there are far too many judgmental people out there, so suggesting that petitefleur be open like this is setting her up for hurt and disappointment. Petitefleur, I suggest you get a therapist, and a good one. Find one who won't be judgey towards you or push in a direction you are not ready for. A therapist is better because many have heard of stories similar to yours, and also by law, they cannot tell anyone what you've told them unless you are going to hurt yourself or someone else. You don't need to find a friend or anyone in the social sphere to help you because they really won't. Harsh but true. I have a fear of intimacy and vulnerability myself, but no way in hell am I going to trust some guy I'm dating with that information. In fact, I wouldn't trust too many at all. Thankfully there's the Internet that allows anonymity. Edited November 23, 2013 by Pearl27 Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted November 24, 2013 Share Posted November 24, 2013 I suppose the real problem is I don't want to be seen as vulnerable. I don't think that's quite it... you don't want to beeeeeeeee vulnerable. Perhaps you are unclear as to just how many of the very best things in life come your way as the result of offering willing/consenting vulnerability. For lots of people, such an aversion to being vulnerable is the work of an abuse-laden past, and for them, therapy is the answer with which they can begin to repair their trust, and eventually manage to show considerable vulnerability for the good of those all around them. Merely not wanting to seeeeeeeeeeeem vulnerable may be a whole different can of worms, perhaps connected to what 3rd parties think, and what 3rd parties have thought in the past. Ultimately YOU are gonna have a lot more responsibility for your own happiness than will anybody else, and the road toward same begins and ends with your willingly exposing your vulnerability to at least one great person. So at the very least, it's time to 'practice'. Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted November 24, 2013 Share Posted November 24, 2013 I do think I have a huge problem displaying vulnerability AND an intimacy issue. I have a hard time appearing vulnerable... Again with the "displaying" and the "appearing"... what about the reality beneath those? Is there someone, somewhere, whose image of you and/or your vulnerability is more important than is you just living your life and actually being vulnerable for your eventual own good? Link to post Share on other sites
AnyaNova Posted November 24, 2013 Share Posted November 24, 2013 Well there are two ways I can think of to approach your situation. 1. Be open with your date Be very up front about your past, if they judge you on it then they aren't suited to you anyway. This will alleviate any pressure you feel about hiding the fact, and allow you to be open with your own issues surrounding your fear of physical intimacy. The downside is it could be hard to find a good man that can be patient and understanding. That being said if the right one does come along and shows you he can be trusted, then it would be easier for you. 2. Break your own mold Push past your fears and make it happen. It is hard but perhaps what you just need to do is go out there and kiss a few lame ducks to realize it isn't really a big deal. The first time you do something, no matter what it may be, you are pushing your limits as a person. Once you push past the limit (in this case a kiss) then you can become comfortable with your new found space. So take that fear, jam it down inside and just go for it. Once you do it you will no longer be afraid. I absolutely love this post, Dr. Simple. The only thing I would add is, 3. Combine both 1 and 2 Be open with your dates about your past (no need to go on about it, or into too much detail with men you don't know well, but a little can help) and also try and push past your fears. This is the strategy that I take. I always tell prospective dates that I have a history of some trauma (no real detail), but warn them that if I can't kiss on the first date, or if somehow some small movement they make triggers me, it is not them, but my past etc...and then I go on the date and do my best to push past my fears so I can fully engage in the date and with my date. I say that like I've had so many dates recently...ha...:-p Link to post Share on other sites
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