Men is my boyfriend lying?

[Touty]

We were sitting in a coffee shop, my boyfriend with his friend opposite him. But my boyfriend was in the seat facing the windows/door. I was at a table right beside him. I was minding my business when out of nowhere, quite literally, my boyfriend raises his head and I can see his head turn slightly at an angle as if looking at the door. He makes this sound as if he is breathing in deeply, astounded at something and says "OPA!" as a female walks through the door where he is looking (from my angle). His friend looks up and peeks to the female's direction very briefly almost unnoticeable, and chuckles, and then goes back to what he was doing. I immediately asked boyfriend what he was doing. Is he seriously going to make a pass at a female in front of me?? Boyfriend tried to say he "was joking" and "not looking at any females, didn't see any females" and "wasn't looking at the door" was "looking at nothing" out of the "window" and doesn't know what I am talking about. And he wasn't flirting but was "making a joke" about "being surprised at something that is not there" because, since "there is nothing there," he can "trick his friend into "looking at something which is not there" except that there HAPPENED to COINCIDENTALLY be a young woman walking through the door the exact moment he did that, and that, in my opinion, it seemed he was looking in her direction?? He refused to admit he made that pass and my gut and instinct are clearly SCREAMING to me that he did it AND that he did it purposely. His friend speaks his language (that I cannot understand) and if he wanted to tell him about some hot girl he could have done so without me knowing.*When I became increasingly upset he told me to shut up, in front of his friend and all!

 

When I later told him I lack trust in him, he told me he doesn't "give a *****" if I don't believe him because he knows he's being honest and that I shouldn't be with a guy I don't trust!! Can you believe this monster of a man??**When a fourth party came in and I complained to this person, my boyfriend kept swearing to G-d that he didn't see any females, and I said "but did you make the sound and facial expression?" he said yes. I tried to recruit his friend by asking his friend if boyfriend in fact made the sound and expression and his friend said "I don't remember!" I can't believe this guys complete betrayal of me (girlfriend of 1 year) just to protect my boyfriend's sleazy behind.

 

Men, do you also believe he is lying?? In the beginning of the relationship he frequently flirted in front of me, making noises and passes at women both on the TV and in person, smiling at them, and all the while telling me "it was a joke" the only difference between then and now is that he admitted that it was wrong back then (HE DIDN'T ADMIT TO FLIRTING OR MAKING SEXUAL GESTURES THOUGH!! BECAUSE BITING HIS LIP, CALLING THEM BABY AND MAKING FLIRTY SOUNDS ISN'T SEXUAL??) and nowadays he denies it and treats me as if I am crazy. We spent a long, cold year trying to work on the trust I was never fully able to form because of his actions, and many nights talking about and analyzing the past, and how I would flinch whenever he would glance anywhere and there happened to be a woman there. And now after that torturous period he thinks he will do this and I won't react?? Why would he do that?! He knows I don't trust him and knows it so well! Now I have absolutely no trust in him and everything that was actually formed during the year is gone. He always maintained his innocence even when he clearly crossed the line. He simply said "I was making fun of those girls! You know how I see women who treat themselves that way" referring to the half naked models he just sexually harassed on the TV. A part of me thinks that he may have done this just to push me away as we have been having a lot of fights and I think he wants the relationship to end. But even in this case it is cruel.

 

Men: please advise me... My heart and mind are battling it out so badly right now. I am almost ready to rationalize it and believe him, but deep down I am screaming because my gut instinct is telling me he most definitely was checking that girl out and disrespecting me to my face.

[KathyM]

If he flirts with other women or ogles them in front of you, and it sounds like that is the case, then it shows he doesn't have much respect or concern for your feelings, not to mention that his loyalty is in question. Kind of makes you wonder how blatantly he shows interest in other women when you are not around, if he carries on like this in front of you. Or he could be playing a stupid game of trying to make you jealous. Either way, it's pretty pathetic. Time to dump that immature loser.

[ConstantVoyager]

On the one hand, I think you're making too big of a deal of this. You can't hit on or sexually harras someone through a TV set. The flirting with RL women is more problematic.

 

On the other hand, it sounds like he doesn't care much about your feelings.

 

You're sensitive, he's a bit of a douche. Not a good match. Instead of investing more time in this relationship, break up with him and find someone better suited to you.

[Chi townD]

Well, to be honest. I think he was joking. He would have an EXTREMELY big pair on him to actually flirt with another girl in front of you. Therefore, I doubt he was serious. Was it in bad taste? Absolutely. That doesn't show a level of respect a boyfriend should have for his girlfriend.

[carhill]

Man response:

 

1. Men don't perform actions or say words they know will rile up their spouse/partner as a joke. It's purposeful. Men are pragmatic. There's a dynamic in your relationship which is stimulated by this behavior you apparently deride and despise in this posting.

 

2. He wasn't lying when he stated he doesn't give a shyte. If he was, and did give a shyte, it would be reflected in his behaviors. Apparently, his words and actions are matching up pretty well, and negatively.

 

3. He's probably hot. Usually, it's hotness which keeps one in relationships with obviously incompatible or abusive people, mitigated somewhat by the one's self-image/family history/brain chemistry, etc. In your case, I added this one in because you've been his girlfriend for a year and apparently the behaviors have been pretty consistent.

 

Good luck and welcome to LS.

[Touty]

I have to admit I'm somewhat surprised at many of the responses I received about this topic. I'm not sure if perhaps the entirety of my thread wasn't read, but this man I am with has a history of denial. During the beginning of the relationship he actually did these things: he would see an attractive female on the TV and start start biting his lip and making sex sounds and winking at them and calling them "baby". In real life he would frequently smile at women in front of me when he would serve them (He worked in the food service) and he is a self-admitted "ladies man." But when I'd call him on ANY of these, he'd say what he did was wrong but would never actually admit he felt any attraction to these women, nor was he flirting with them! I mean how much more in denial can you get??

 

Nowadays he does this, and some of you are thinking to yourself "he would need to be a really big d!ck to..." and he IS a giant d!ck. That's the point. He has done this in the past and now my instinct is screaming at me that he's doing it again, except now, he even refuses to admit anything about it is wrong. Even I jumped up and asked him if he's seriously going to make a pass at a female right in front of me? But that's the thing: the other stuff he did, he did it right in front of me too, admitted it was wrong, but never admitted to having any attraction to the women he was clearly sexualizing and flirting with. Many of the things he did, when he did them I was sitting next to him minding my own business and he'd do it anyway, and this time around I was also just minding my business doing absolutely nothing to him to deserve what he did.

 

I don't believe him. He does not joke this way. And mind you, I did mention I didn't trust the air of him and would always give him a hard time about looking at other women. He spent a long hard year trying to regain my trust after what he did and I would constantly bring it up because it hurt me. So he spent all that time avoiding doing anything that may be give me the wrong idea!!!! And now... the trust is gone. This is no joke what he did. It is not a joke. He knows how I am, he knows how I think, and if nothing else, this was deliberate.

[Spectre]

I think he is pretty disrespectful, why are you even still with him?

[Touty]

I think he is pretty disrespectful, why are you even still with him?

 

I'll be honest with you. The things I mentioned stopped at about the 2nd month, he showed remorse, made an attempt at changing his behavior, obviously wanted me to stay, so I let it go eventually even though it was torturous and I had a very hard time trusting him which resulted in both pain for me and him. But because what he did caught me by surprise and I am basically acknowledging that his probable lies don't work any longer and this is the last straw. I don't trust him. That is it. I just don't, and even if WAS in fact "making a joke" he just delivered a funny ending to our relationship.

 

And what is even funnier is how negatively he reacts to my reaction. He's always angry at me for thinking he's looking at other women or not trusting him. This is just hysterical. He's completely and utterly untrustworthy and he's pissed because I don't trust him. Lol! He even said this to me last time after what he did - he was like "what are you doing with someone you don't trust?" good question. I'm done with him. I won't force myself to look past his sleaze anymore. I am not ready for another year of torture.

Edited November 18, 2013 by Touty

[Spectre]

Good because you do deserve better then a guy like that.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

I think the only way to solve this problem is to leave him if you are that bothered by him.

 

I'll tell ya a story. My mom, her bf, me and my bf all went out to breakfast one morning. This girl with huge tits and tight bod walked in and I immediately looked at my boyfriend to see if he would look at her. And guess what? He did! and his eyes went straight to her tits. And I got so pissed! My mom noticed the steam coming out from my ears, put her hand on my thigh, squeezed it and whispered to me "they are men, they will look, don't show that you are insecure about it" She knew it bothered me and my mom's bf looked too!

 

The thing is, men are pigs (sorry) and they will look at anything with 2 legs and a pair of tits. Men all live in this fantasy world of sleeping with countless woman and spreading their seeds. They are just dirty horny men.

 

After that day, I told myself I would not care anymore. As long as it didn't go past staring. I guess the point I'm making is, just because you are on a diet, doesn't mean you can't look at the menu.

 

From what I read, I don't think it was a big deal, but could see how an insecure person could take it as one. Trust me, I have my insecure moments. But he is with YOU. Not with them.

 

But if he is flirting right in front of you or cheating, then that's a whole other story!

[PegNosePete]

I think he was having a pretty untasteful and disrespectful joke with his buddy.

 

However what is more worrying is how much he lied to you about it. Why can't he just tell you yeah I was making a joke about that girl, here's what it means? Instead he has to go on and on making up a load of rubbish about looking out the window or whatever.

 

When I later told him I lack trust in him, he told me he doesn't "give a *****" if I don't believe him because he knows he's being honest and that I shouldn't be with a guy I don't trust!! Can you believe this monster of a man??

Yes I can believe it. Many men (and women!) say things like that, it's called blame shifting. If someone said that to me then my response would be "OK. Bye."

[Acacia98]

Touty, the dynamic of your relationship is terrible. I hope that you can learn to value your own opinion to the degree that, if you think that something is terribly wrong, you don't need to seek validation from your boyfriend, his friend, other people, or even us. You know in your heart that he is lying about what he did. You're not happy about that. So you are justified in doing something about it. If you feel his behavior is disrespectful towards you and you can't live with that, then you should tell him that, let him know it's a deal-breaker, then break up with him.

 

Don't ask him to confess that he was ogling at that woman. It's not your responsibility to police your boyfriend's behavior. He's not a kid. He's a grown man. Let him take responsibility for his actions. And you too should take responsibility for your feelings and actions. You clearly had doubts about your boyfriend's behavior from the get-go. You even admit that you don't trust him now and haven't trusted him for long. That's enough reason to leave.

[crederer]

I dunno the way you painted the picture he sounds like a real idiot.

 

That being said, I had an ex that painted me out like this too and it simply wasn't true.

 

For example, if there was an attractive female walking by and I glanced at her for even a split second, she would go ballistic. The reality is, if you're walking by a person, whether it's a male or female, attractive or not, you're going to glance at them. It's not my fault if they happen to be attractive. I didn't cat call them or make a flirtatious move of any sorts but she would make it out like I did.

 

If a woman in wearing a low cut shirt where here cleavage is visible, it will likely catch someones eye. Just like if someone has a giant hairy mole on their face, that's also going to catch someones eye. You just have to keep certain things in perspective and not let jealousy get the best of you.

 

And if he is in fact behaving exactly as you point out (not saying he is or isn't just suggesting you take a step back and analyze it logically first) then he is crossing lines. Not necessarily cheating but behaving like an idiot.

[Touty]

There's a point when a person puts their foot down and says "this is a crock." This isn't about glancing a split second or anything other, and I've dated men that have outright TOLD me they sometimes look at other women, which at that time didn't worry me one bit because I knew that man adored me. This guy is not trustworthy.

 

The one issue I am having is that he is not here to tell his part of the story (which I don't really think he has because he'd just lie to you too) but that's irrelevant, because he's a party in the matter. The woman walking by did not have a low cut shirt. It is November. She was fully clothed and I couldn't even make out much about her. The only irony about it is that from the glance I gave to her, she actually looked somewhat like myself. She was a petite brunette with a bun on her head - I am a petite brunette and I frequently wear my hair in a bun. I even asked him point blank if he did what he did to get back at me and now I've asked him about it at least several different occasions and he maintains his same story about how he wasn't actually doing what I am accusing him of, and that he did not see any females.

 

He IS an idiot, and he is downright frustrating. WHY would he apologize for his behavior in the beginning if his comments weren't offensive or sexual? Why would he even make sounds if he was "simply looking out of the window"? He is stupid because he raises more questions than he answers with his idiotic, unnecessary behavior, and the ease with which he does unnecessary, hurtful things is just absolutely unthinkable (almost sociopathic). Last couple of days I've been kinda bummed because I have finally realized he is a losing game and how much pain I've happily welcomed into my own life over the past year.