Seriously wigging out

[smile]

OK so here it is 1am and xmas has come and gone. These past two weeks have been amazing, the ex and I xmas shopping, cuddling, long hugs, long talks.... it was starting to feel like the begining of something. I never pushed I never asssumed , never judged or forced expectations. In fact I have been pretty cool this week, it felt great.

 

So lets start with xmas eve. I was getting ready for church and he called me. Just to talk about some stuff he read on a website. Not crucially important. Also to let me know he bought a gift for this friend of ours. Told me what he bought her and that he had to buy her something bc she called and said she bought him something. He had helped her recently when she was having troubles with her bf... ironic eh?

 

Anyway so then off to family stuff where weird things happened. We had a family camping trip photo and my cousin digitally erased my ex from the picture. Plus a bunch of other messed up family things basically adding up to the fact that no matter what I do I will never be good enough for my mother.

 

Xmas day he said he may stick around town or go out of town.. wasnt sure but if he stuck around he would call me. He didnt call. Thats cool so I went around and did some family stuff, hung out with friends and about 8pm I txted him and said merry christmas and that i hope he is safe and warm wherever he wound up. Weird thing.. he didnt asnwer.

 

No merry xmas nothing. I mean my family doesnt celebrate xmas day and he did call me xmas eve. He did say he'd call me if he hadnt left town. Maybe he did leave. I dunno I think xmas just wigged me out this year. I feel so dumb feeling worried that he didnt txt back. I wont call him or txt again or anything.

 

I mean could he be questioning the time we have spent together? He didnt seem to. He actually asked me where he should go and even hinted at me going with him for a bit. I said he should get away. I said it may do him good to be incommunicado for a few days.. rejuvinate and such. So why am i acting so wacked out ?

 

Earlier this week he got off the comp so abruptly and I was worried that he was blowing me off. In the midst of pouring my soul out about it to a pal online he showed up sweetly knocking at my window. A friend needed help so he had to go and help him...

 

I dunno I guess its normal for me to feel a bit weird about xmas right? I mean ppl have big issues dealing with loss about this time right? Highest suicide rate of the whole year and all right? I am not crying or sending him mean txts or jumping to conclusions.. I am just worried.. is that normal?

 

Its good for him to have this time right? I mean he was saying stuff like "got xmas gifts for all the women in my life" that was me and two friends I know he isnt sleeping with...so that was good right? then he asked me to xmas shop with him and followed me around one day from store to store. We have spent hours on end shopping and laughing and talking. For xmas I got him his favorite movie as a kid and a dvd of his moms favorite cartoon (she died before him and I met..when he was fairly young). He seemed touched by the gifts...

 

Time is prob ok right? More likely thinking than running? Gosh sometimes I wish my imagination had an of button or maybe a dimmer switch. sigh please help pathetic me...

[debs]

Smile,

 

This sounds distinctly like a guy who is deliberately doing this to get attention.

 

I do wonder why people resort to his type of immature behavior!

 

It's like hey I am sick, come running, I maybe dead, come running? Do you wish to be a puppet on a sting?

 

Remember no one makes another one hurt themselves!If that even is the case here!!! They do this because they cannot emotionally handle anything more in life!

They do it because of wanting attention, if they do fail to achieve their goals hurting themselves physically! They were like this long before YOU knew them, never take responsibility for another ones actions to harm themselves! They are the weak ones and refuse adequate help!

[smile]

umm actually I am pretty sure he is camping in the mountains with a friend we have who lives up there. No reception there so he cant get txt msgs.

 

I told him he should get away... we sat in my room till 3am talking about where he can go and where he should go. Sure he wants attention, but not that kind... we broke up because I was too needy .. worried where he was what he was doing...And I worried and whined to him.. I never knew girls always think about those things but thats what you have friends for. So you can worry a bit..leave him out of it, talk it over and then realize while you are completely entitled to feel that way it may be a bit silly. But its good to get that verification that youre not crazy.

 

There is no chance of him hurting himself physically. That idea is not even crossing my mind. I am sure he is ok wherever he is. The panic was more of... just being dumb I guess.

 

Last night I was worked up over family stuff and today I feel well sick,bad head cold, but I dont feel like "oh my god where is he I wish he would call". Its more like an "oh. no call. hmm wonder where he went." I am sure he will call when he gets into town.. or he will call when he wants to .... thats fine.

 

Just so we are clear I have no worries of him hurting himself. Only worries about what he may be thinking about the time and closeness we have shared in the last two weeks. I hope he is thinking about it and smiling. Because no matter what comes out of this.. the last two weeks make me smile

 

p.s.

the comment about suicide rate was justifying

my seasonal blues...

[smile]

ok so I know he was home at least for a bit today. He didnt txt or anything. Someone tell me not to wig out. I am sick so I tend to get weepy when I am sick.. I feel sad and isolated so I am sure thats what is driving me batty.

 

Its ok right? That he didnt write back. Maybe he didnt get it.. I didnt get his thanksgivivng txt ever. But whatever it wasnt a txt that required a response. Damn I need to fall asleep or something. I am obsessing and totally wigging out... can someone who is familiar with my story tell me whether or not you think I should be wigging out?

 

I hate being sick.

[Universe]

Smile,

I've been following your story. I think you know mine. I had a little x-mas break-thru that I'll post about on a new thread.

 

But based on your latest posts...My advice is: Just chill out! Everything is going to be fine. Don't call him or text him until he contacts you. I know you know this already. I'm just echoing what you know in your heart you should do. You recommended that he take some time to himself and he seems to be doing that. Forget about the txt message. It's meaningless.

 

One thing I found out yesterday when I exchanged gifts with my ex (initiated by her, BTW) she broke down crying and we had a serious talk about things. We didn't get back together and I didn't bring it up. But she basically confirmed that she is definitely the more confused of the two of us at this point. That is something I had suspected but did not know for sure. I think we've both been playing strong and confident. I actually feel strong and confident. But she obviously doesn't.

My point is that I'm really hurt and confused by everything right now. But she is definitely hurt and confused more than me. So despite the fact that all I want to do is help her through this and take away her pain, I know that being around me is just going to confuse her further right now.

 

So that might be similar to your situation. He seems to care about you. And he's probably thinking of getting back together. But he's obviously still confused. So I may be wrong, but I think trying to be with him now will just confuse things more. Let him work through it on his own. When he needs you, he'll let you know. In the mean time keep up your self-rehabilitation.

 

You seem to be doing well. Wigging out is normal any time of the year. Just don't let it affect your actions. My policy while wigging out is to take no real action until the wigging has subsided. I've never taken an action while wigging out that I didn't regret later.

 

You'll be fine. Just relax.

[smile]

Hey thanks for the comment. I know I was wigging out seriously.. I just need to find a way to calm down. Breathe breathe breathe right? I am also planning on hitting the gym soon.. a few miles of running may clear my head.. or at least make me too tired to bother worrying.

 

When we first broke up I was the strong one and he did fall apart. Then when I said I coudnt be around anymore he started dating someone else. That may seem bad but a month of NC and he started calling me. He was with her but I didnt know that. He would say things like he coudnt stop thinking about me. He knew it was wrong.. I still had no idea he was still with her.

 

When I found out I said he had to stop flirting with me and having phone sex and stuff... but we were still friends. A week later she broke up with him feeling there was someone else. He came to me.. called me... and I just listened.

 

Now he still seems a bit confused but more and more he seems like his old self. We broke up when he broke down. I see how he may want to take this slow. I am sure he is worried about us gettign back together with a two month tour looming on the horizon. He even said he was worried what would happen to him being gone that long.

 

He seems scared about it all. Excited of course, but scared. This is what I wanted. A chance for us to get to know eachother. We didnt have that we met and jumped into this intense relationship. I guess I just need to have faith yeah? Continue to be myself even when he isnt around... that way we have more to talk about.

 

Anyway thanks. The days arent so bad , its the 3 o clock in the morning thats the worst. I wont call him.. I never act during this kind of wigging out.. I used to but after therapy I have found thats where the trouble starts.

[strange love]

SHE SAID (guest poster Seared)

Hey girl, older wiser female here, stop bitching the guy seems to be spending more time on you then his job or his penis,give him a break. Nothing else more to say it's black and white and the grey is the phyco drama your creating. Take my advise shut up spread em and hang on to the dear boy with your life.

 

HE SAID (strangelove)

wHOa nelly... I have to concur with my collegue above. I find you to as insecure as my ex was and yet she had no idea how infautated I was with her. Theres a saying ...I am afraid I cant remember at this moment though..oh ok yes If it aint broke dont fix it.

Hes totally being sweet to you and yet each poist you sound like your about to have a melt down. Heres an idea go outside lie in snow and make snow angels it will help you cool down.

Heres something im stil confused about you mention him asking you about going away with him... what gives why didnt

you?

[smile]

well I couldnt go.. family stuff and all. The suggestion was.. "i dont have any money to go on a trip to disneyland or vegas... do you have any money... we could go to the grand canyon but we're both broke" It was sweet that he mentioned teh Grand Canyon because thats where I want to go so so bad.. everytime when we were dating and we wanted to take a trip I would always suggest grand canyon... even if it was a day trip... we live in CA.

 

Anyway I think he did need the time alone. If he wanted to hang out with me he woulda stayed here called me and we coulda gone on a day trip together. I think he kinda wanted to be with me but I dunno I think we needed this time apart. I mean things were going so well I want him to think about it ya know? Be away and think "wow this girl is who I want to spend my time with" because before he would pass off his desire to see me as a "habit"

 

The reason I am wigging out... well there are a few.... First, he got real close before when he first came home.. I asked if we were back together and he yelled at me then disappeared for a week.. came back with a gf. Met someone he says..... I know it was too soon after the breakup for us to be together then anyway.. only a week and no changes in eitehr of us.

 

Secondly, when we were together I thought we were happy and BAM he calls and breaks up with me out of the blue.. while he is 5 states away no less. So his emotional stability doesnt have a great track record as of late.

 

But mostly you guys are right. I need to chill out. I did just that today. Went to the bookstore and the record store... hung out. I chatted with random ppl... man just go be a half decent looking chick in the comic book section and watch the guys salivate Did wonders for my self esteem.

 

He just called asked what I was doing.. told me he was tired and then said he had to call me back. I have no idea what that means but instead of freaking out about it .. it makes me chuckle. He is such a goof...

 

I know I was acting crazy... I know I know. It was a momentary wig out I am ok. I wont tell him or even act like anything was wrong. I think a big part of it was me being sick. I get so isolated and depressed when I am sick. I need warmfuzzies but I dont want anyone around..

 

PLUS I am a girl who missed him at christmas. I wont hang on too tightly but trust me I wont let him go either.... not a chance...btw I walked in the cold windy rain today .. i took deep breaths and I did cool down.

 

Thanks your post made me laugh... I dig honesty.