I need on this

[Jpoulos]

This might not be the appropriate section but I need the advice from OW or xOW.

 

I have been married for 9 years with one 8 year old girl. My wife and I married only after 2 months of dating. She is a very smart, considerate, strong woman. About 5 years ago, we stopped kissing and touching and 2 years after that sex has stopped due to her lack of interest. After repeatedly getting rejected by her, I stopped trying and emotionally checked out of the relationship.

 

Last year, I met a girl and we really bonded emotionally. My wife did eventually found a text messages and she gave me a choice. I chose to move out and I started to have a new life with my new love. We planned our future together and she lived in my apartment for 4 days out of the week Of course, I was not neglecting my duty as a father but I was constantly feeling guilty about it. The divorce proceeding was started and postnuptial was signed except the child custody arrangement.

 

After about a year, I realizes how much I missed my daughter and chose to end the relationship with my love. It was very abrupt and very painful for both of us since things were going really well. She took it well and I wished her the best. I was at peace with my decision and wanted to focus my life with my daughter.

 

After 2 months of no contact, I suddenly started to miss her like crazy and I tried to resist it. Things weren't going well at home and I started to feel miserable again. My wife wanted to resume having sex, but I felt like I was cheating on my ex-girlfriend. I texted her to how she was after 2 months of no contact and she responded. She did turn her phone off for like 15 min but turned it back on maybe out of courtesy. I asked her to meet me but she refused. I tried calling her after a few days later but her phone number was changed. I finally was able to talk to her after seeing her at her church. I asked her for 5 min and I ended up talking to her for about 25 min. I asked her for second chance and even vowed to move in together but she refused. She says she does not love me and wants to move on. I pleaded with her with no avail. She gave a quick kiss on the lips and left. I was left devastated! I made a bad decision and I let go of the woman I loved. I was all prepare to commit to her this time for 100% and not look back. But, I guess I blew it. Do you think it's really over?

 

Thank you for any kind of advice.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Where did you learn that other people are supposed to make you happy?

 

You seem to jump from person to person, and can not understand that they have rights/feelings also.

 

OW is doing exactly as she should. You have proven to be someone who acts on whims, regardless of who it hurts. Healthy people don't do that.

 

The OW seems to be fully aware of what you are capable of, and is doing exactly what a healthy person does. Puts barriers in place, to those that wish to hurt us. You called her, she said no. You continued to call. She changed her number. You cornered her at church, she turned you down. Sounds consistent to me.

 

I suggest you get yourself into therapy.

[Sunshinegrl]

Agree. You can't jerk women's hearts around with your flightiness. Your actions have caused intense pain to your "love". Let her move on and find someone who will roll the red carpet out for her instead of pulling the rug from under her feet.

[whichwayisup]

You've hurt three here. Actually four including yourself. Your wife, your OW and your daughter.

 

You should have tried harder with your wife before having an A. Meaning, you didn't (unless you did and didn't mention it here) go to marriage counseling and both you and your wife dig down deep to reconnect and fix things. You bailed out, checked out and went outside of the marriage.

 

Anyway, you can't bounce back and forth between your wife and OW. It's unfair and cruel to both of them. Kudos to your OW who shut the door on you.

 

God, you moved out, went back home, left your wife and daughter again, then asked your OW if you could move back in? What about DIVORCING first, and then asking your OW out on a real proper date. Date and get to know her better and not just move right back in with her? Be on your own, rid of bad habits and be independent with no woman for a while?

 

Yes you blew it. It is over with the OW, whom you hurt deeply and can't commit and your wife is hurting too because you can't commit and stay faithful to her.

 

You can still see your daughter and be a good father. Be the best co parent with your wife and share custody.

[Jpoulos]

I know that I have caused a lot of heartaches and I am being very selfish of my actions. My wife and I were never in love and we both agreed that we should have never gotten married in the first place and even now we are only married because of our daughter. We both are pretty miserable but it's hard because the child is involved. We tried MC and it just didn't work out.

 

I know how much I have hurt OW and it's been devastating thinking how much I hurt her. I keep thinking that she was the love of my life and I messed it up! I'm sure she's very resentful feels betrayed and it makes me cry each night. I feel like after the last meeting, she has moved on. I am planning on divorcing my wife because I want to prove to her that she's my world. My question to you guys is that do I still have a chance after the divorce? Do OW ever miss or want their men after the betrayal if they are trying to be sincere and want to reinitiate contact? She told me she does not love me anymore and it really made me cry.

[veryhappy]

Get a grip to what you want quickly before you do more damage.

 

Why did you marry after 2 months if you weren't in love? Pregnancy?

 

Why did you not get a divorce the year - a full year - you were living on your and dating your OW? You only call her OW and it speaks volumesaabout what she is to you.

 

You sent her on your way and you had found peace - your peace for two whole months!!! While you were at peace she was in hell, and then you go back to drag her back in the game. Surprise she wouldn't have it. You are really messed up. Can you realize that?

 

She might try to be with you if you approach her divorced, but you have used all of her waiting for you. You are on your own. If you do get a divorce, see if she's available. It's up to her if she can forgive you, still wants you and would like to try. At some point, all the hurt makes one numb and running for the closest exit.

 

Woman of your life? Were you this hysterical when you went back to the wife and had found your peace about it?

[Yayo]

J, I can't even tell you how absolutely gut wrenching it is to have your MM promise he will be with you or leave his W just to get back with her...right in front of your face. I'm surprised she handled it so gracefully. GOOD FOR HER. I understand the emotional turmoil with your daughter and that you want to be with her, but you could have been a good dad while being divorced. Being an OW myself I can't help but feel SO much sympathy for your ex...it must have killed her. But she seems to have handled it well. I would say its over. Let her go.

[Jpoulos]

Yes. I have decided to let her go. My indecision has caused so much pain to everyone around me including myself. But, being away from OW made me realize how much I love her and I wish I had not hurt her so bad. It's a mistake that I will always regret forever. I will always love her and I hope she meets a great guy who will make her happy. I'm just so sad that I don't get a second chance to prove to her. This is the girl I was eventually planning on marrying and I can't believe the pain I caused. I do plan on getting a divorce and work on myself.

[jlola]

Yes. I have decided to let her go. My indecision has caused so much pain to everyone around me including myself. But, being away from OW made me realize how much I love her and I wish I had not hurt her so bad. It's a mistake that I will always regret forever. I will always love her and I hope she meets a great guy who will make her happy. I'm just so sad that I don't get a second chance to prove to her. This is the girl I was eventually planning on marrying and I can't believe the pain I caused. I do plan on getting a divorce and work on myself.

 

 

IDK, I think the OW was in pain initially. But I see she has stated she does not love you anymore and I think you are romanticizing something that never was. She is probably over the "honeymoon" stage and realized you two were not meant to be. Unlike many here I do think she is telling the truth.

 

If she were really in love with you, she would have admitted she loves you, but you have hurt her too much. telling you she does not love you anymore seems to be what you will not accept. She wants to move on. There are times in a relationship, we think we are in love. But time away does not make the heart grow fonder.

 

You and she were not meant to be as love should not have faded so quickly.

[underwater2010]

I think that if you have any kindness in your heart....you will let her move on.

[rumbleseat]

Sounds like both women were smart and sent you packing.

 

I also have a feeling that there is a whole lot more to this story than what you are saying. Your wife gave you the choice that you could either leave to be with your new girlfriend or stay and commit to your marriage. You left, gave this other woman every reason to believe you wanted to be committed to her, then decided the price was too high so you left and went back to your wife. Now you regret having flip-flopped ( you "miss your daughter too much", and are mooning about your 'lost love". That about right?

 

- you cheated on your wife, you left to be with this other woman stayed with her for what i can guess was a fairly long period of time, then all of a sudden your daughter suddenly becomes important enough that you go back to what you say was a very unhappy home?Why the sudden change?

 

- how did you convince your wife to let you come back? After all, it seems she was happy enough without you, didn't put up any protest about getting a divorce and she even seemed to be making it as easy on you as she could. I have to wonder what you said to her, what lies were told to convince her that you wanted her and your marriage

 

- why can't you leave this other woman alone? Let her be to live her life I can't help but think that she's really glad she dodged the bullet ( so to speak) and walked away. Leave her alone and hopefully she'll find a single guy who won't pull this kind of stunt. if you love her as much as you say you do, you'll leave her the &*%^ alone

 

- You seem like one of those guys who always wants what he doesn't have. the best advice anyone can give you is to stop with all the nonsense, get some therapy and get your head on straight before you even think of stating a relationship with anyone. If you won;t do it for yourself, do it for your daughter. think of the lesson you have shown her about how women should be treated, and try teaching her a better one. Treat her mom with a heck of a lot more class, stop chasing after other women and either commit to your marriage 100% or walk away and don't come crawling back ever again.

[Owl]

What help are you looking for, specifically???

[Jpoulos]

My wife has no idea about OW. She never asked. My daughter and I were never close up until I was separated. During that time, we bonded really well and I felt like I was being a better father being away from her. My wife says she does not want to be with me but she will sacrifice for our daughter for her own happiness.

 

I was really in love with OW and I was all ready to move on with her while the divorce proceeding was going on. All of a sudden, one day while she had her Facebook account open, I was checking in to see her pics. I wasn't spying at all since she had already told me her password while back. Then, I noticed that there were private messages between her ex and herself. He asked her if she had a boyfriend and she answered she hadn't had one for a long time and this really devastated me. My whole family and all friends knew about her and I realized that she didn't take our relationship seriously. I know that she told her female friends and sisters bout me though. This upset me so much that a few weeks later I ended up breaking up with her. Looking back, I should have confronted her about this and maybe having a better communication might have prevented our breakup but I was so hurt.

[Jpoulos]

What help are you looking for, specifically???

 

 

I was looking for help to have my OW back because I know in my heart that I will never hurt her again and commit to her this time. But, it seems like based on all the responses, if I truly love her, I should respect her wishes and let her go. Maybe, someday, after I'm divorced, if she is healed and gives me another chance, I will embrace it and never let her go again. I guess I realized that I don't get second chances easily. I will have to think harder next time and make a wiser decision.