Am I just pushing him away?

[Ditapage]

There's this guy. He's so cautious about relationships because his last girlfriend almost destroyed him. But he told someone he had noticed me, so I endeavoured to get close to him.

 

He watches the woman first, and he definitely watches me. We often hang out and the setting isn't work, its voluntary activities for charity.

 

Anyway things were pretty good until I started to act out and ignore him out of frustration that he's not making a move. He'll stare, compliment, get all flustered and nervous around me, look visibly upset when I talk to other guys, and initiate conversation. I have such high expectations of what a guy should do (as in show ALL the interest while I play hard to get) that he's not living up to and I am getting upset about it.

 

For example: I was feeling unwell yesterday when we were out together in a group and he asked me if I was feeling better. I was short with him and just said "yes", then got upset that he didn't extend the conversation.

 

I've started giving him the cold shoulder thinking it'll make him move faster. Another situation yesterday: I was happily chatting to everyone but him like I was trying to make him see I was angry. If he asked me a question or tried to talk to me, I wouldn't even look up and I'd just start a conversation with someone else in front of him. One of the guys complimented me on something and I said "thank you, that's so nice" and then he complimented me right after him for the same thing and I didn't even acknowledge he had spoken. Eventually he started to look really annoyed and made a face when I talked to the guy beside me.

 

Am I deluding myself thinking that kind of behaviour is going to get me anywhere? The idea is he'll try harder but I totally see the immaturity in what I' doing and need clarification.

[MidwestUSA]

Yes, you're pushing him away. Where on earth did you read that this behavior would draw him to you? You get short with him, then mad because he doesn't continue talking? Makes no sense at all.

[salparadise]

I have such high expectations of what a guy should do (as in show ALL the interest while I play hard to get) that he's not living up to and I am getting upset about it.

 

He needs you to make him feel safe, to show that you like him and want him to make a move. And since you've been doing the opposite already it may take more than one bat of the eyelashes if you know that I mean. When a guy already feels invested it's hard to risk humiliation, so you're going to have to meet him half way, or perhaps a little more than half way. Be careful about expectations... in this context and most, they're a setup.

[d0nnivain]

He's already gun shy & you're playing games. That won't work. This guy needs some serious coddling b/c he's damaged. Anything other than kid gloves & TLC will make him conclude you are a B, rhymes with witch.

[Ditapage]

I really appreciate these responses. I can see I am being totally immature and its arrogant of me to think he thinks I am even worth the effort I expect him to put in.

 

He's shy but I am terrified of showing interest because I've been so sure a guy liked me in the past, and he didn't. So unless a guy is blatantly obvious (and shy guys aren't) I think I am imagining his interest. I have this "he's just a nice guy" fear always there incase I make a fool of myself again. We were doing great when I extended conversations.. I just started getting paranoid that I was chasing him.

 

In hindsight I feel awful that I left a long uncomfortable silence after he commended me on something when i responded to the guy who previously said it. But I don't know how to stop doing this because of my fear of rejection.

[whichwayisup]

God, just go for it. He is shy so take control and be nice, be kind, be compassionate and fun! Why play the cold shoulder? He likes you but isn't confident or is too shy to make the first move, so just ask him out to go for coffee.

 

NO more games, that's just immature and makes him wonder how honest and genuine you are.

 

So if it doesn't work out, so be it. Don't be afraid of taking a chance, it won't kill if by chance he says no. Just be honest with him that you are scared of being hurt and apologize for being cool to him....

[Kate9292]

There's this guy. He's so cautious about relationships because his last girlfriend almost destroyed him. But he told someone he had noticed me, so I endeavoured to get close to him.

 

He watches the woman first, and he definitely watches me. We often hang out and the setting isn't work, its voluntary activities for charity.

 

Anyway things were pretty good until I started to act out and ignore him out of frustration that he's not making a move. He'll stare, compliment, get all flustered and nervous around me, look visibly upset when I talk to other guys, and initiate conversation. I have such high expectations of what a guy should do (as in show ALL the interest while I play hard to get) that he's not living up to and I am getting upset about it.

 

For example: I was feeling unwell yesterday when we were out together in a group and he asked me if I was feeling better. I was short with him and just said "yes", then got upset that he didn't extend the conversation.

 

I've started giving him the cold shoulder thinking it'll make him move faster. Another situation yesterday: I was happily chatting to everyone but him like I was trying to make him see I was angry. If he asked me a question or tried to talk to me, I wouldn't even look up and I'd just start a conversation with someone else in front of him. One of the guys complimented me on something and I said "thank you, that's so nice" and then he complimented me right after him for the same thing and I didn't even acknowledge he had spoken. Eventually he started to look really annoyed and made a face when I talked to the guy beside me.

 

Am I deluding myself thinking that kind of behaviour is going to get me anywhere? The idea is he'll try harder but I totally see the immaturity in what I' doing and need clarification.

 

It can get you somewhere but I don't guarantee. Some guys got worked up and gave me more attention after it, some threw a tantrum and wanted nothing to do with me.

 

Can go either way.