Any Success Stories?

[goodyblue]

I thought I posted my reply but for some reason it isn't showing up.

 

Goody, I wasn't aware his divorce was final, congrats on your happy ending! So everything worked out as planned? How exciting! We don't often hear of truly positive endings. There have been a few where the mm still went back to his wife after leaving for his AP. How long have you and you formerly MM been exclusive? Also, are you still long distance or have you and your children relocated to be near him yet?

 

Also, op, what would you consider to be a happy ending? MM actually leaving and divorcing the BS, and marrying AP, or even just being in an open r with AP?[/quote

 

We live in the same city...?

[waterwoman]

I know of one relationship that started out as an affair and ended up with MM divorcing his wife and marrying OW. But the OW in that case is a force of nature - nothing stands in her way! One of the most determined and focused human beings I know. Once she had decided what she wanted nothing and nobody was going to stop her I guess that is the ideal - decide what you want and state that clearly and don't budge.

[will-ow]

I know of 4 affairs that ended with divorce and re-marriage to the APs; 2 following d-days and 2 because the MM/MW made a decision to leave the marriage and followed it through. All of them went through these changes well after the 6 month mark, and all 4 couples have now been married for at least 4 years.

 

I also know the BS's, 2 very well, and saw close up how much pain and upheaval all these people went through. I would never wish that on anyone.... but 4 years and more down the line all 12 people involved appear to have had their 'happy endings' and are in apparently happy, settled partnerships/marriages.

 

 

(And no, before anyone asks, I don't imagine/dream/hope for a second that the same thing will happen for me - MM and I never ever talk about his W and I'm content just enjoying what we have here and now.)

Edited November 19, 2013 by will-ow

[Got it]

I know the rule of thumb seems to be if he doesn't leave in the first 6 months...he never will.

 

That's the rule, but are there any exceptions to the rule? Is there anyone here who have been in years long A's that ended up with MM? Or maybe MM tried to leave W but ended up going back?...but you ultimately ended up together?

 

So many posts her are quite negative (and rightfully so), Would love to hear if anyone has a success story.

 

The rule of thumb is, there is no rule of thumb. Though I heard it was a year, so . . . y'know.

 

Put down the boundaries that best suit you, make sure that you are getting what you want and need out of the relationship and go from there.

 

We were in an affair for about a year, I had a timeline down that we both agreed to. He started discussing divorce, dday happened, we broke up for a few months, he separated and we got back together, we dated while he divorced, he moved away and we had a LD relationship (which was BY FAR the HARDEST part for me and much harder than the affair), he moved back, we are now married.

 

It isn't perfect, it didn't happen without its costs and we are still trying repair damage done from the affair. I did not post here during the affair, I was on another site and there are a good number of people who have moved forward. Some were together for months, some for years and a couple for decades. It really varies. But, like with most relationships, a "success" rate is going to be in the minority. Most relationships don't move on to marriage and affairs are decidedly no different.

[Yayo]

I know of one relationship that started out as an affair and ended up with MM divorcing his wife and marrying OW. But the OW in that case is a force of nature - nothing stands in her way! One of the most determined and focused human beings I know. Once she had decided what she wanted nothing and nobody was going to stop her I guess that is the ideal - decide what you want and state that clearly and don't budge.

 

this is how I viewed myself. I've put up a damn good fight and have been through some serious drama with him and her. But a human can only take so much

[Yayo]

 

We were in an affair for about a year, I had a timeline down that we both agreed to. He started discussing divorce, dday happened, we broke up for a few months, he separated and we got back together, we dated while he divorced, he moved away and we had a LD relationship (which was BY FAR the HARDEST part for me and much harder than the affair), he moved back, we are now married.

 

 

that sound like a lot to go through, good for you for getting through it. and congrats on the marriage.

[GatsbyMH]

I'm certainly hoping for a happy ending. I'm divorcing my wife presently. My AP is wanting to end her marriage but it may drag on because of her kids with him. She isn't in love with him (doesn't hate him though) and he can't satisfy her need for passion and sex in her life. She is trying to hang on as long as possible to be with the kids as much as possible. I fear it may take years. She told him that she didn't want to stay together but wanted to get past the holidays for the kids, etc.

 

I'm not sure if they even know what the status of their relationship is right now. She doesn't want to have sex with him because he's terrible at it. Doesn't last long at all (last time was less than a minute of actual sex). He just had a vasectomy (his idea and she even asked if he was sure since they may not stay together, he said he still wanted it) because he thinks that he will last longer in the sack since before he used to finish early because he was scared about getting her pregnant. I don't quite see the logic in that but I guess we will see.

 

I'm thinking that the sex issue will be what eventually breaks up their marriage. He knows she isn't happy with him sexually and there isn't much he can do to fix it. She at least wants to let him try just so they can say that they tried. They've only had sex but three times in the past six months. I'm sure once he's over his vasectomy healing they will try more. I know it will still be a month before he is fully sterile but I'm sure they will still try (which I hate thinking about)

 

She says tentatively the end of January but I think it will take longer than that. I think she and I have a really good shot at succeeding. We were best friends for 5 years before things changed. If not for the kids, she'd already be gone. She just doesn't want to leave them and I'm not asking her too but she is keenly aware I'm waiting. I'm not pressuring her. Just seeing what happens after the holidays.

[Bailey14]

Depends on what you consider a success. Could not stand it if my MM ended his marriage as much as I might want it. His wife is a thoroughly lovely woman and I could not deal with the hurt it would cause her. MM and I will probably be together until one of us dies. We will just never be together full-time. After 3 years I have come to accept the reality of the relationship. I have reached a point where I am ok with our status.

[Mascara]

I met my ex when he was married, but I made it quite clear I wouldn't entertain the idea of being an OW. So he left his wife, got divorced and we were together for 7 years before I broke up with him. So I suppose a success story of sorts, but since it was never an affair it's not the same thing.

 

I understand where the idea of the 6 month rule comes from. I think it's mostly to do with the notion that exit affairs are really the only ones that work out. And if it's an exit affair, that tends to happen quite quickly.

 

I also think that anything going on for longer than that becomes more and more of a "relationship". And most MM have no intention of going from one relationship to another - it was the thrill they loved, they don't see the point once it becomes too coupley. They may as well stay married.

[whereamigoing]

I believe the 6 month rule is rather arbitrary but I do get where it comes from. My affair was years before the divorce was initiated. I know 3 other affair couples all of whom married their affair partners. 2 out of 3 had affairs in the year+ category, only one was a few months. Personally I'm not keen on the idea of marriage but xMM and I plan to give an affair-free relationship a good solid try once the ink is dry on those divorce papers.

[Got it]

I believe the 6 month rule is rather arbitrary but I do get where it comes from. My affair was years before the divorce was initiated. I know 3 other affair couples all of whom married their affair partners. 2 out of 3 had affairs in the year+ category, only one was a few months. Personally I'm not keen on the idea of marriage but xMM and I plan to give an affair-free relationship a good solid try once the ink is dry on those divorce papers.

 

The site I was on talked about a year rule, not six months. I think that it is an arbitrary number but I think that if the OP wants the relationship to move forward they should have an understood timeline that they are comfortable with and focus on the happiness of today. Without an affair involved, I know many people who have sat on the "should I divorce" fence for years so an affair can be a bandaid to aid this time.

 

It really depends.

[Got it]

that sound like a lot to go through, good for you for getting through it. and congrats on the marriage.

 

It has been! Thank you. We almost broke up over the LD if it was going to be more than a year. I am not one to be in a LD relationship, I learned, though there were definitely some silver linings to it. I realized how much I liked "me" time and was perfectly happy being alone.

 

But we are happily married, renovated a house, sold it, and bought "our" first house. But life with him is unlike anything I have ever experienced. He drives me bonkers at times but I wouldn't want it any other way.

[cocorico]

so what caused him to stay in his M for those years? are there any trust issues between you guys?

 

What caused him to stay: some time before our A, he and his then-W had separated for a year (she had physically attacked him during a drunken rage one night, and then stormed out). The kids had been traumatised, they took the separation very badly, became withdrawn developed behavioural and emotional problems and their schoolwork plummeted. This was probably at least in part due to his then-W falling to bits herself, coping really badly on her own (while he, by contrast, was happier than he'd ever been, and doing really well on all fronts). So when, after a year, she begged him to take her back and promised to attend IC and MC, he reluctantly agreed, for the sake of the kids. So, despite her breaking her promises about counselling, he felt that he was obliged to stick it out until the kids were grown, because he could not do that to them again.

 

As it turned out, when he spoke to the kids (after a few years in the A, at the point we were wanting to transition to a FTR) they were in favour of the split. They were older, they had seen the "reconciliation" fail, and they themselves were struggling. That made it easier for him to leave at that point.

 

Trust issues: no, not at all. We have always been completely honest with each other (well, we keep secrets about surprises and holidays and presents) and we have learned over time that we can trust each other, because we both have track records of being trustworthy with each other and in all other important matters.