The ex and my 21st bday

[Ace]

Hey guys, me again.

 

I got another quick question. We are going to go out for my 21st bday here in about 2 hours. I was not going to invite the ex but I talked to her a few days ago and it just came up so I said that she could go if she wanted to. I thought that I was over it for the most part and that it would not be a big deal. Well, she just went with me to the store. I invited her just to see how I was feeling before we all went out.

 

Well, I am kinda depressed now for some reason. I thought that it was going to be all good and I thought that I was ok, but I guess I was wrong. Anyway, we are going to go to a dance club and she said that she was going to drink and have a great time dancing and what not. First of all, it bothers me for some reason when she drinks, second of all I know that she is going to dance with other guys and THAT WILL BOTHER ME REALLY BAD AND RUIN MY NIGHT. By that time, I will be pretty drunk and I will either do something I regret or start crying. Needless to say, it will turn my bday into a bad day.

 

Should I call her and tell her not to dance with other guys and not make the situation awkward? I want her to go and it will not be that bad if she doesn't do anything like that. It is really close to the time that we are leaving and if I tell her not to go, she will be really pissed at me!

 

I don't know what to do. When I invited her, I didn't think that it was going to be a big deal, but now I have found out that it IS!

 

Please let me know in the next few hours because we are leaving in about 2 hours.

 

Adam

[Paulie]

Don't invite her. This could be a nice chance for you to meet new girls. Inviting her will show her that you still have feelings in her, and will hurt and confuse the both of you. You will be watching her all night, and yes, it will suck to see her dancing with other guys.

 

If she gives you any sh*t about this, you explain exactly what I just said...and that you have no bad feelings toward her, you just thought it would be a bad idea to have her along this time. And then leave it at that. If she's mature, she'll understand.

 

Trust me, I know I'm right on this one. Tou have plenty of friends to hang around with. You don't need this burden on your "special night."

 

And do a shot of Tequila for me.

 

Paulie

[Tony T]

Listen, SHE was the one who told you not to come to the art show. She told you this because she is a LOT SMARTER than you are. She knew there would be other guys around and she also knew you would be hurt if she didn't have time to talk to you.

 

Now, this whole thing is your responsibility. You invited her to come along and you new what would happen. Get on the phone RIGHT NOW and tell her what your concerns are and tell her you feel very bad but it may be much better if she doesn't come to your birthday party. Just be very honest with her...just like you were in the post here. Let her know what will make you sad and depressed and let her know you may even cry. Let her know you made a mistake in inviting her and that it was much too soon for you to do that.

 

If you wimp out on this and don't uninvite her, don't you dare tell her not to dance with guys or have fun in any ways that will sadden you. She will be highly offended and sickened by your childishness. This is NOT a mature request to make. This is not indicative of a request that a 21 year old adult man would make to anyone. Don't do it. Cancel her out entirely. To invite someone to a party and then restrict their legitimate activity is BIZARRE!!!

 

Ordinarilly, I don't advise men to spill their guts out like this but this girl has got to know where your head is at right now. It's only fair to you. After you tell her your feelings, I promise she won't even be a bit angry at you. She is TONS smarter than you, TONS more understanding than you and she has TONS more insight than you.

 

Now, for GAWD'S SAKE, will you stay away from her for a while. Don't go shopping with her, don't talk to her on the phone...just don't have any contact with her at all until you get over her.

 

You just don't want her anywhere around this party. I guarantee if she comes, whether you drink or not, you will make an absolute fool out of yourself in front of everybody. It is far better to talk to her now so that doesn't happen.

 

Get off your computer now. I hope you can still reach her. Take full responsiblity for all of this and let her know you deeply appreciate her kind understanding. Let her know that you recognize her wisdom and admire her insight regarding all of this.

 

Then, go out and HAVE A VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

 

Let your 21st birthday be your best. Find new friends, new loves, new knowledge and great new paths for your life.

 

And let this be the day you became a TRUE MAN!!!

[Tony T]

Your advice is 100 percent right...except HE HAS ALREADY INVITED HER. Now, he's got to undo that for all the great reasons you have stated above.

 

You are right on target except I don't think you understand that, as of this second, she is planning on coming. He has to withdraw the invitation which, in my opinion, is completely appropriate under these unusual circumstances.

 

She will understand.

 

And hope your evening is bright...cold as hell in Florida!!!

[Dragonflys]

Ace,

 

I feel really sad about your situation. I know exactly what you are going through..oh boy.

 

BUT you are the only person that can remove this pain.

 

At the moment you feel that she is an integral part of your life. Doing anything at all with her will only keep this the same.

 

You have to reprogram your mind to realise she can never be such a part of your life again. The only way you can do this is totally remove yourself from her life. Then you will slowly forget the emotional connection with her. You will always have the memories, but they will not be accompanied by pain and longing.

 

It took me three months. Three months during which my only contact with my ex was when I said hi (absolutely nothing else!) in the corridor at work.

 

I feel so much better now and I am getting on with life, and meeting wonderful women.

 

I chose never to give my ex any emotional energy, and to retreat with the highest of dignity without upsetting her, or giving her anything to be bitter with me about. One day she may realise what she threw away. Whatever.

 

I wish you a happy 21st birthday, and take Tony's advice..make a promise to yourself to stop the pain and become a MAN.

[Ace]

Well, I will let you know how it went. I was pretty bad after posting that last message so my friend/roomate invited her over so that we could talk about things. She came over and we just talked about how it was going to be a little awkward and that she would go out to eat with us and then see how things went from there.

 

I was better after we talked and she was very understanding of the whole situation. She went out to eat with us and bought me a few beers. I then wanted her to come to the bars with us because I was feeling better.

 

She came to the bars with us, but we went to one that wasn't really a dancing bar. There was just a band and it was really crowded. She and I were together the whole night at the bar and I had my hand on her the whole night. We would go to the bar together, walk together, etc. We even held hand again while maneuvering our way through the crowd. It was really nice feeling her again.

 

I was fine the entire night because I was with her, but I didn't get that drunk because I really didn't want to after the escapade before we went out.

 

The night went as good as to be expected and I thoroughly enjoyed her being there. We both had a fun time. I just don't know if that was good for me.

 

This is what pisses me off. We can both still have a great time together, but I am constantly thinking about other things. I wish that I could get through my mind that the relationship is over and to just have a good time because I believe that we can still have a good time together.

[strawberry]

too late for my advice, i had the same problem on my birthday and it turned into a nightmare, complete with me slapping him in the face. I hope you didnt bring her and if you did, i hope it turned out ok.

[Ace]

Well, I will let you know how it went. I was pretty bad after posting that last message so my friend/roomate invited her over so that we could talk about things. She came over and we just talked about how it was going to be a little awkward and that she would go out to eat with us and then see how things went from there.

 

I was better after we talked and she was very understanding of the whole situation. She went out to eat with us and bought me a few beers. I then wanted her to come to the bars with us because I was feeling better.

 

She came to the bars with us, but we went to one that wasn't really a dancing bar. There was just a band and it was really crowded. She and I were together the whole night at the bar and I had my hand on her the whole night. We would go to the bar together, walk together, etc. We even held hand again while maneuvering our way through the crowd. It was really nice feeling her again.

 

I was fine the entire night because I was with her, but I didn't get that drunk because I really didn't want to after the escapade before we went out.

 

The night went as good as to be expected and I thoroughly enjoyed her being there. We both had a fun time. I just don't know if that was good for me.

 

This is what pisses me off. We can both still have a great time together, but I am constantly thinking about other things. I wish that I could get through my mind that the relationship is over and to just have a good time because I believe that we can still have a good time together.