coping with nice guy syndrome

[terrenceg1985]

i know im not the only one with what i call nice guy syndrome. so i thought this might be a good place to see if there are any others with this most unsatisfying and unfortunate personal trait.

everyone knows those guys out there that are by all accounts great guys with respect for the female species who dont go out all the time and just collect notches on the bed post. guys who actually care about what women tell them and have to say. who want more than just an hour of drunken sex.

well im one of those guys. and ya know what? it chaps my ass that men like me get left in the dust. u hear all the time in society that all women want is a man who respects them and will listen. maybe has a great sense of humor to boot.

but in my experience on this subject has shown a completely different set of desires and wants. now i know this might ruffle some feathers but it seems like women want men who are *******s. i for the life of me cant figure why that is but iv got some theories.

 

1. females subconsciously seek out men that fit there own set of insecurities and hangups. girls who feel like **** seek out men that will treat them like ****.

 

well actually now that put that down on paper so to speak all the other points i thought of pretty much stem from that one statement.

 

me personally i dont know how to be successful in the dating scene thanks to my niceness. i get over looked and filed away into the dreaded friend zone.

 

So who on here has anything to say about nice guys and or girls? cuz im sure that there are just as many women who suffer from nice guy syndrome.

[maturityassets]

I try to stay away from the labels. I actually hate the labels. I use to be a "nice guy" but now I'm just me. It's not really that girls want *******s but they want a guy who has in some form or another a sense of power or strong sense of self. This usually radiates in the form of confidence or a lack of fear. The problem is that there are inconsiderate people who are looking for one thing and usually there bluntness about it is confused with confidence. The problem with the nice guy is because he gives off the impression he is dishonest with himself. When you are attracted to someone don't try to be dismissive of that fact when talking to a girl. Because nice guys sometimes give off the impression that they aren't interested or they are too shy or dishonest. So i say just go for things. When you actually talk to a girl give off good body language, don't be afraid of the taboo, don't be afraid to dominate where the conversation goes. Just be you and know what you want.

[Kansas87]

Nothing turns a girl off faster than when a guy's opener is "I'm just a nice guy" and then he proceeds to complain about how no girls like nice guys anymore and they all want jerks.

 

Seriously. Not saying that to be mean but it's true. If you are a nice guy, great! Continue being nice! But don't expect girls to line up to date you because you talk to them and hold the door open. Because honestly, most guys do that. Most guys are actually pretty nice.

 

Be confident. Be sexy. Work out enough to be decent looking. Have good hygiene. Have something interesting to say about yourself. If you're dating online, type out actual words instead of abbreviations for everything. Be funny. Show genuine interest in a girl, and be up-front about wanting to go out with her.

 

Girls like nice guys, but you know what they love? Being pursued.*

 

*Not in a creepy way.

[free_radicals]

I am one of those nice guys too and I know exactly what you mean. I only look for "real" long term relationships. I'm 31 and only been in two relationships (second one is 3 months new), and I didn't even kiss or have sex with anyone else besides my partners because I value those kinds of things.

 

It sucks when you're put in the friend zone and such, but you know what? It's a learning lesson for her, but it's also for your own good. It took me 5 years to find my current GF because I wanted to make sure we are highly compatible...which is a must for long term relationships. Sure, I could have gone out with just anyone for the sex, but that's not me.

 

The best advice I can say is...when you find her, it will be worth the wait and she'll want to be with you for you.

[Esoteric Elf]

Since no girl that I am aware of has liked me, and since girls seem to be so perceptive in sounding out truly nice guys, I take the opposite approach and say, "I am not a nice guy," then proceed in listening to the girls who are in earshot of me dissuade me and claim otherwise.

 

Denials, denials.

[esteem-jam]

I think some of it dies and goes away on its own. When you are too nice to people, for some period of time, and not getting your needs and wants met and fulfilled - you will just drift away.

 

 

Who will wash the floor, cook the meal, work at the office - for free? Not many.

Sometimes you cant really put it into words, but when you realise that the current situation is not good, you will naturally react - with grumpynss, bad mood, then you will drift away. Then you will compare this situation with previous ones, see the patterns - and your real needs will crystalise - and you will know what they are

 

 

In the future relationships - you will exit a bad situation, or be more assertive. But for sure, you wont take much (or any) crap.

[Mario79]

As maturity said, its just a label. If you are being called a nice guy, more than likely that girl may not be that attracted to you. Ive been called a nice guy, but after being a in 2 relationships, I have been called an ahole as well.

 

I just see it as, everyone out there is looking to take advantage of someone, weather by getting love and attention, we all have needs we want to have satisfied. The problem then happens when people start taking more than they put back in.

 

You also notice that girls, at least the ones I am attracted to, are confident, because they take care of themselves, workout, dress well, are smart, they look the part, on the outside, then get into a relationship with them and you see that its not as pretty. The moment you find yourself putting your needs always below everyone elses, then you are a doormat, nice guy, etc. And when you demand yours, may can be called an ahole for putting yourself first.

 

So dont pretend to be something you arent, and dont think you are just a nice guy, you are several things, if girls cant appreciate that, too bad, but you have to keep trying to find someone that will.

[Disillusioned]

Maybe it's just me, but I'm not hung up on that whole "nice guy" thing. I just keep my eye on doing things that improve my quality of life.

 

The idea is not to fret about the ones who got away... you should work on BEING the one who got away. ;-D

[regine_phalange]

Be nice, have self respect, and everything will fall into place.

[FrostBlaze]

I always end up to the same conclusion, expecially after my last gf, they like being treated badly, i mean...just rougher(show of dominance i suppose). They don't need a CALM(nice) guy.

But i am calm by nature, not a doormat, nothing i can do about it, but when i do get angry...it's bad.

 

When my last one told me about her ex, a compulsive controling freak, calling her to check where she is everytime, checking her emails, imposing what she can and cannot do, and barely ever showing affection etc, she loved that guy to death but all she ever said about him we're bad things...so i was like :| (was with him like 2 years, me? just 4 months). She broke up with her ex YEARS ago just in case someone asks.

 

I treated her nice, talked her problems, gave her space cuz i also had my own things to do, affection, trusted her(didn't go checking her every move), funny(laughed her ass off) being nice and calm most of the time because it is how i am. Most fights we had i tried to end them calmly, this seems to have frustrated most of them/her.

We did argue intensively sometimes about some stuff, and that's when she felt "love" and butterflies in her stomache", so she said. She Liked it when i was angry and didn't treat her nicely >_>. I was like " i think girls confuse two emotions, fear and love because they feel the same".

She knew i was there for her and she didn't like that, she liked "to chase" i suppose.

 

There's quite a few things i would like to say and have to say, but for another time.

Anyhoo, reasons i got dumped for, go as follows:

- You are to good for me./ Nice with me. (bro for life)

Most of my relationships always go like this:

-interested in me- sexually interested in me (lasts 1-2 months) - loses spark - friendzone.

Nice guy syndrome i guess, idk xD.

 

Excuse my lack of english grammar skills n such, i try my best.

Edited November 19, 2013 by FrostBlaze

[d0nnivain]

It's good to be a nice guy. It is bad to be a doormat. Many self proclaimed nice guys don't know the difference & then act like doormats while wondering why they can't get or keep girlfriends.

 

 

Nice guys are faithful, interesting, kind, loyal & polite. They also have self confidence & know who they are as people. They have opinions & interests. Doormats do anything & everything some woman wants in the hope that she will like them; they bury themselves & simply suck up to her. Women can & do behave horrible around these guys & get away with it because the guy only wants to bask in her reflected beauty without any mind to how much she's using him. Bad boys run around, cheat, do drugs, & are unreliable but are that unknown quality that immature women find sexy. They get away with it because they are c0cky & arrogant. Most women go through a bad boy phase & we all think that we can reform him or he'll change for us. We're all wrong.

 

 

My husband is the nicest guy in the world but he's nobody's doormat. He sticks up for himself. He puts his foot down & acts like a man, especially when he really doesn't want to do something. Most of the time he's happy to let me do whatever I want but he never lets me run roughshod over him. He's interesting & self confident. That is the piece most so called "nice guys" are missing: they are wimpy. Stick up for yourself & you will stop getting walked all over.

[FrostBlaze]

Yeah i think i just dated immature women or idk. I was no doormat, we argued and i told her when i didn't like what she was doing etc, i wasn't doing everything to please her, but i did try to end it nicely often.

 

Like i said about her ex, i guess she just liked guys who get more girls and play hard to get and treated her badly, why she liked him so much xD idk.

She was like almost begging me to go flirt with other girls to make her want me.

Edited November 19, 2013 by FrostBlaze

[Kansas87]

It's good to be a nice guy. It is bad to be a doormat. Many self proclaimed nice guys don't know the difference & then act like doormats while wondering why they can't get or keep girlfriends.

 

 

Nice guys are faithful, interesting, kind, loyal & polite. They also have self confidence & know who they are as people. They have opinions & interests. Doormats do anything & everything some woman wants in the hope that she will like them; they bury themselves & simply suck up to her. Women can & do behave horrible around these guys & get away with it because the guy only wants to bask in her reflected beauty without any mind to how much she's using him. Bad boys run around, cheat, do drugs, & are unreliable but are that unknown quality that immature women find sexy. They get away with it because they are c0cky & arrogant. Most women go through a bad boy phase & we all think that we can reform him or he'll change for us. We're all wrong.

 

^^This. Exactly.

[Kate9292]

There is no such thing as "nice guy syndrome". As a girl I like it when a guy I like is nice to me.

 

Being nice was never a problem. Pretending to be nice to get in girl's pants then turning bitter if you are rejected is not nice.

[Babolat]

i know im not the only one with what i call nice guy syndrome. so i thought this might be a good place to see if there are any others with this most unsatisfying and unfortunate personal trait.

everyone knows those guys out there that are by all accounts great guys with respect for the female species who dont go out all the time and just collect notches on the bed post. guys who actually care about what women tell them and have to say. who want more than just an hour of drunken sex.

well im one of those guys. and ya know what? it chaps my ass that men like me get left in the dust. u hear all the time in society that all women want is a man who respects them and will listen. maybe has a great sense of humor to boot.

but in my experience on this subject has shown a completely different set of desires and wants. now i know this might ruffle some feathers but it seems like women want men who are *******s. i for the life of me cant figure why that is but iv got some theories.

 

1. females subconsciously seek out men that fit there own set of insecurities and hangups. girls who feel like **** seek out men that will treat them like ****.

 

well actually now that put that down on paper so to speak all the other points i thought of pretty much stem from that one statement.

 

me personally i dont know how to be successful in the dating scene thanks to my niceness. i get over looked and filed away into the dreaded friend zone.

 

So who on here has anything to say about nice guys and or girls? cuz im sure that there are just as many women who suffer from nice guy syndrome.

 

I could not disagree more. I get told all the time by women I am a nice guy, I am a gentlemen, and they like that. I suggest you consider a different dating pool of woman and be proud of being a nice guy. Do you really want to date a woman who likes "bad boys"? It would never work for you. Just be yourself.

 

Women, like men, like confidence, a sense of humor, fit/healthy, someone who can take care of them, make them feel safe, laugh, intelligence, etc.

 

Confidence goes a long way, both ways, I as a man am very attracted to a confident woman.

Edited November 19, 2013 by Babolat

[Philosoraptor]

Pff I'm the same way and it's given me no issue with ladies flocking to me. But on top of all that I am confident in myself. I treat women well and I'm happy with myself and who I am, never get into that "women don't like nice guys" pity talk.

 

Every woman has different things she as an individual doesn't like; and if I'm on that list, too bad. I've never been one to beat myself down over what someone else thinks of me. You can be nice and treat women like gold but still confident and happy with who you are as a person.

 

But I do consider myself God's gift to women and have been told that I'm the "ideal specimen of the male species".

[ltjg45]

I guess I am a "nice guy".

 

I don't get angry at anything. After everything I went through so far in my life, what can truly piss me off? I went through am armed robbery in my home, countless stuff of mine stolen or lost, mistreated or disrespected all of my life.

 

The only thing worse than all of this is death and that doesn't sound so bad anymore.

 

In fact, the only emotion I feel nowadays is depression.

 

I follow orders at work but I do whatever I feel is necessary outside of work.

 

I don't dress as well as I want to since I am terrible at fashion and I am a simple person.

 

I don't cuss much, if at all, because I can't stand acting like I still ghetto.

 

Unfortunately, it does me no good with the few women I have interest in. Of course, the majority I don't want is because of the choices they made so far in life.

 

At this point, I am putting the idea on the sidelines and not worry about it.

[samsungxoxo]

I think what some men are having trouble is establishing the middle ground and they go to the extremes:

 

1) Very nice (too much of a white knight) to the point that it's either overbearing or he's been dishonest/fake

2) Total black knight and showing great arrogance that it's disgusting

 

I don't think healthy, sane women (in general) want either of those extremes. It's pretty much similar to how many men would probably be turn off by a very needy woman that will be there for him 24/7.

Edited November 19, 2013 by samsungxoxo

[Acacia98]

now i know this might ruffle some feathers but it seems like women want men who are *******s. i for the life of me cant figure why that is but iv got some theories.

 

1. females subconsciously seek out men that fit there own set of insecurities and hangups. girls who feel like **** seek out men that will treat them like ****.

 

You know what? Most of the time, I don't think it's really about being a nice guy. I think there's often two things going on in this type of situation:

 

1. Approaching women who have a habit of gravitating towards 'bad guys'. These women are not emotionally healthy. So if a 'nice guy' insists on approaching that type of lady, it may be worthwhile asking himself why he is attracted to women who clearly have some issues to work through. Seems to me that the 'nice guy' may himself have some issues that need some looking into.

 

2. Being unable to deal with rejection. Look, everybody gets rejected at one point or another. 'Nice guys' get rejected, 'bad guys' get rejected too, and so do ladies. In fact, the more you put yourself out there, the more rejection you will experience. It seems to me that the way people respond to rejection has an influence on their self-confidence and the way they carry themselves when interacting with potential love interests. Some guys take rejection too personally. They seem to believe that if a particular lady is not interested, then that is a statement on their worthiness as human beings/ as men. So, pretty quickly, they fixate on all their experiences of rejection, and these experiences come to define the way they see themselves.

[steveT95]

Okay, I've read the first few posts and haven't got time to read them all. I was a 'nice guy' then got treated like **** so now I'm not.

 

Has anyone here considered that there is more things that come into play than guys respecting women and women liking guys that don't respect them.

 

You may be classed as a nice guy because you are respectful and not overly extroverted, but take a look at other factors of your personality. Maybe the way you talk to people is obnoxious or your body language makes you less approachable. If you are expecting rejection or expect women to dislike you, you're already going to be very defensive towards them.

 

You can't change the likes and dislikes of an entire gender. And they don't all like the same guy. The best thing to do is look at yourself and judge your own characteristics realistically.

 

A common trait of 'nice guys' is that they go for girls that will chew 'em up and spit them out feeling like crap. Don't do that!

 

Take it from me, an ex-nice guy

[carhill]

i know im not the only one with what i call nice guy syndrome. so i thought this might be a good place to see if there are any others with this most unsatisfying and unfortunate personal trait.

everyone knows those guys out there that are by all accounts great guys with respect for the female species who dont go out all the time and just collect notches on the bed post. guys who actually care about what women tell them and have to say. who want more than just an hour of drunken sex.

well im one of those guys. and ya know what? it chaps my ass that men like me get left in the dust. u hear all the time in society that all women want is a man who respects them and will listen. maybe has a great sense of humor to boot.

but in my experience on this subject has shown a completely different set of desires and wants. now i know this might ruffle some feathers but it seems like women want men who are *******s. i for the life of me cant figure why that is but iv got some theories.

 

1. females subconsciously seek out men that fit there own set of insecurities and hangups. girls who feel like **** seek out men that will treat them like ****.

 

well actually now that put that down on paper so to speak all the other points i thought of pretty much stem from that one statement.

 

me personally i dont know how to be successful in the dating scene thanks to my niceness. i get over looked and filed away into the dreaded friend zone.

 

So who on here has anything to say about nice guys and or girls? cuz im sure that there are just as many women who suffer from nice guy syndrome.

 

OP, it's your demographic; get out of cencal and you'll do far better. Me, I'm moving to Oregon. I used to have a perspective similar to yours but, after many years of dating and being married I came to understand the ladies do what they do because they can. The men in our demographic enable that. We did it to ourselves and, for me anyway, the surplus of males didn't help matters at all, rather made it far easier to be invisible if not willing to 'up the game'. If anything, 'nice guys' aren't avoided because they're nice, they simply don't register because they're invisible.

 

Good luck and welcome to LS.

[GravityMan]

Stop thinking of it as a "syndrome". It isn't some disease or disorder.

 

The problem with "nice" guys isn't that they're nice, it's that they're weak. Big difference. They have low self-esteem.

 

Improve that, and your life in general should improve and you're more likely to be attractive to others.

[Woggle]

Just never ever give up your self respect and that should serve you well. I am a nice guy and can be a great friend and partner but try and wrong me or betray and see what happens. People have told me I could be your best friend or your worst enemy and depending on how a person treats that is basically true.

[Iguanna]

Good girls will have fun with bad boys but eventually they'll marry the good boys. Hang in there.

[Woggle]

Good girls will have fun with bad boys but eventually they'll marry the good boys. Hang in there.

 

Being the good guy they eventually pick is not a position any man should aspire to. It doesn't have many perks.