coping with nice guy syndrome

[Kate9292]

Being the good guy they eventually pick is not a position any man should aspire to. It doesn't have many perks.

 

Why?

 

Jerks are left alone in the dust, a woman is with nice guy now. Sounds like a nice guy eventually won, even if before it was rough.

[Iguanna]

Being the good guy they eventually pick is not a position any man should aspire to. It doesn't have many perks.

 

Can you plz explain this a little bit more?

[Woggle]

Why?

 

Jerks are left alone in the dust, a woman is with nice guy now. Sounds like a nice guy eventually won, even if before it was rough.

 

It means he has been settled for and I would rather be tortured than settled for. Being settled for is a slow kind of torture in and of itself.

[jphcbpa]

Read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Glover

[Keenly]

You should try not to put so much emphasis on why you do or don't have female callers.

I know in moments it may bother you, but it happens for everyone some where some how, so why even sorry about it?

 

Plus women are people, and people suck

[Woggle]

Can you plz explain this a little bit more?

 

I don't see how any man would actually want to the nice guy who she isn't all that attracted and gets treated with little respect and in many cases gets cheated on. Where are the positives in this?

[Kate9292]

It means he has been settled for and I would rather be tortured than settled for. Being settled for is a slow kind of torture in and of itself.

 

What the hell?

 

How do you know? Maybe a woman decided she had enough of jerks' crap and actually wanted nice guy? As in she didn't settle for anyone, the nice guy was exactly what she wanted.

 

I don't see how any man would actually want to the nice guy who she isn't all that attracted and gets treated with little respect and in many cases gets cheated on. Where are the positives in this?

 

All of these are your assumption, may be (and often are) wrong.

[Woggle]

What the hell?

 

How do you know? Maybe a woman decided she had enough of jerks' crap and actually wanted nice guy? As in she didn't settle for anyone, the nice guy was exactly what she wanted.

 

 

 

All of these are your assumption, may be (and often are) wrong.

 

I wasn't born yesterday. I know exactly how most of these situations work out. Being the settled for MR Safe guy is pretty lowest on the totem pole in the modern relationship world.

 

For these particular women and I am not saying all women in general nice guys just don't make them wet. It doesn't turn them on and if you don't make a woman wet you will never have a truly successful relationship with them. You can tell me I am wrong but I have seen enough real life to know that I am not.

[pteromom]

It means he has been settled for and I would rather be tortured than settled for. Being settled for is a slow kind of torture in and of itself.

 

I don't understand this thinking. It's not settling when a woman leaves the bad boys behind. It's maturing. Realizing that you can have stability AND romance and that you can create your own adventure vs. needing the bad boy there to create drama.

 

As many of the posters in this thread have noted, being a nice guy isn't a bad thing. But being a nice guy to your own detriment is. If you are nice to someone who is grinding you into the dust, and keep going back for more, that's a problem.

 

Also, there is nothing attractive about bitterness. If a guy is walking around with a chip on his shoulder from being hurt or rejected, he may as well spray himself with cow manure, because that's how bad he will stink to women.

 

To be successful with women, you have to understand that rejection is part of the game. It's not about getting ALL women to like you; it's about being yourself and taking risks so that you have an opportunity to connect to a woman who does like you.

 

Get out of the house and talk to as many people as possible. Smile, look into people's eyes when you talk to them, walk with a "spring in your step" and your head up. Show interest when people talk - ask questions. Compliment people (in a nice way "I love your hair; cool shoes, etc"). Take opportunities to connect with people - make jokes, talk about the weather, talk about pop culture, whatever. And when you feel that connection with someone, take the chance and pursue it.

 

It really isn't that hard, but it takes some confidence.

 

The worst thing that will happen is that someone gives you a dirty look or makes some kind of snide comment. And if that happens - then THEY are a jerk and it has nothing at all to do with YOU, and doesn't have to affect your day at all.

 

Sorry, I went off on a tangent there. But I am a 40-something woman who has never been particularly noticed by men, and I have never had a problem getting dates, because I like myself and I am open and approachable.

 

So be open and approachable. And as a guy, you do have to take the risk to do the approaching.

 

And yes, you'll be rejected. But if you are rejected 20 times and then the 21st time, she says yes and it ends up leading to your great love, isn't it worth it?

[pteromom]

I wasn't born yesterday. I know exactly how most of these situations work out. Being the settled for MR Safe guy is pretty lowest on the totem pole in the modern relationship world.

 

For these particular women and I am not saying all women in general nice guys just don't make them wet. It doesn't turn them on and if you don't make a woman wet you will never have a truly successful relationship with them. You can tell me I am wrong but I have seen enough real life to know that I am not.

 

You are wrong.

 

Sure, if a woman SETTLES for Mr. Safe and she isn't attracted to him, then there isn't much chance of a successful relationship. Eventually, she'll realize that it isn't enough.

 

But MOST women who end up with a "nice guy" aren't settling. They are just choosing more wisely.

 

Bad guy = chosen by lust

Mr. Safe = chosen by head

Mr. Right = chosen by heart, head, and genitals

[Woggle]

I have seen situations when a woman gets with a nice guy after a string of jerks and most of the time contempt is a kind world for how the man are treated.

[pteromom]

I have seen situations when a woman gets with a nice guy after a string of jerks and most of the time contempt is a kind world for how the man are treated.

 

I'm sure that happens. If a woman has had a string of jerks (which honestly points to some kind of internal damage on her part), she would probably take it out on a guy just like the guys here take their rejections out on women.

 

But it isn't the NORM. Surely you recognize there are plenty of happy healthy marriages in the world, and they aren't all from hot women and bad boys. They are mostly nice women with nice guys.

 

A guy can be a complete gentleman, nice and kind and sweet and giving, and still turn into a bad boy when the lights go out.

[carhill]

I have seen situations when a woman gets with a nice guy after a string of jerks and most of the time contempt is a kind world for how the man are treated.

Yep, been that whipping boy enough to know the drill. Particularly poignant are the ones who came out of physically abusive or violent priors with bad boys. A lot of pent-up rage. Normally, I'd speak in generalities since everyone's demographic is different, but I've been in the OP's for 54 and know it well. I've been raged at simply because I was polite and attentive, not just once but with enough iterations over years of interaction to form conclusions about the process. My conclusion is 'pass'.

[Woggle]

I'm sure that happens. If a woman has had a string of jerks (which honestly points to some kind of internal damage on her part), she would probably take it out on a guy just like the guys here take their rejections out on women.

 

But it isn't the NORM. Surely you recognize there are plenty of happy healthy marriages in the world, and they aren't all from hot women and bad boys. They are mostly nice women with nice guys.

 

A guy can be a complete gentleman, nice and kind and sweet and giving, and still turn into a bad boy when the lights go out.

 

I agree with you but I responding to a post that says nice guys will have their chance with a woman once she gets older and know how to appreciate them. I say that they should find a woman who doesn't have a history of being attracted to scumbags.

[Woggle]

Yep, been that whipping boy enough to know the drill. Particularly poignant are the ones who came out of physically abusive or violent priors with bad boys. A lot of pent-up rage. Normally, I'd speak in generalities since everyone's demographic is different, but I've been in the OP's for 54 and know it well. I've been raged at simply because I was polite and attentive, not just once but with enough iterations over years of interaction to form conclusions about the process. My conclusion is 'pass'.

 

They are too scared to stand up to the men who actually wronged them so you take the brunt of that all that anti-male rage.

[carhill]

.....I say that they should find a woman who doesn't have a history of being attracted to scumbags.

 

Wogs, I think that's great advice; the issue these days is, with a transient society, and our area if anything has been a mass exodus lately, it's really difficult to qualify anyone's history, socially or otherwise. Credit and crim checks, sure, those can be done. Other than that, people can hide stuff really well, and the skills to mask one's personality are generally learned at an early age, during socialization when one is tasked to 'conform'. Each person handles that differently.

 

If I had any cogent advice to give the OP, should he wish to remain where he lives, it would be to form a social circle of people with known and trusted compatible life viewpoints and only date within or adjunct to that social circle. Like-minded friends are more likely to have like-minded friends/acquaintances which can be introduced. Still, if he's in a surplus of males in his age group, it'll be a tough row to hoe because the males are competing for a limited supply of eligible females, even more so the 'good' ones, so his game (getting noticed, appreciated and being attractive) had better be top notch.

[pteromom]

I agree with you but I responding to a post that says nice guys will have their chance with a woman once she gets older and know how to appreciate them. I say that they should find a woman who doesn't have a history of being attracted to scumbags.

 

Yeah, I do agree with you on that point!

 

There are a lot of teen and 20-something women who haven't gained their self-confidence yet. They are unsure of themselves, don't flirt with guys because they are scared of being judged and/or rejected, and sit in the background while their more extroverted friends laugh and flirt and dance.

 

Basically, they are the "nice girl" counterparts to the "nice guys".

 

THOSE are the girls you want (if you are looking for a relationship; not you, Woggle, but OP). Some of them are pretty and don't know it. Some of them COULD be 10s if they weren't hiding behind sweatshirts and throwing their hair into ponytails every day.

 

You don't want those "alpha" females who are in the front of the crowd choosing from the hot "bad boys". You want her friend, who is sitting at the table behind her rolling her eyes.

 

Man, sometimes I wish I was a dating coach, because I would love to just take one of you guys out and teach you how to do it. It's just a matter of connecting then taking that chance. Over and over until it works.

[Woggle]

Yeah, I do agree with you on that point!

 

There are a lot of teen and 20-something women who haven't gained their self-confidence yet. They are unsure of themselves, don't flirt with guys because they are scared of being judged and/or rejected, and sit in the background while their more extroverted friends laugh and flirt and dance.

 

Basically, they are the "nice girl" counterparts to the "nice guys".

 

THOSE are the girls you want (if you are looking for a relationship; not you, Woggle, but OP). Some of them are pretty and don't know it. Some of them COULD be 10s if they weren't hiding behind sweatshirts and throwing their hair into ponytails every day.

 

You don't want those "alpha" females who are in the front of the crowd choosing from the hot "bad boys". You want her friend, who is sitting at the table behind her rolling her eyes.

 

Man, sometimes I wish I was a dating coach, because I would love to just take one of you guys out and teach you how to do it. It's just a matter of connecting then taking that chance. Over and over until it works.

 

This I agree with.

 

I have just seen some of these women who always complain about how there no good men and bash us with no end but a good guy comes in front of them and they treat him like he has disease. Unless they do some serious work themselves most are pretty much lost causes.

[NYC-BigKat]

i know im not the only one with what i call nice guy syndrome. so i thought this might be a good place to see if there are any others with this most unsatisfying and unfortunate personal trait.

everyone knows those guys out there that are by all accounts great guys with respect for the female species who dont go out all the time and just collect notches on the bed post. guys who actually care about what women tell them and have to say. who want more than just an hour of drunken sex.

well im one of those guys. and ya know what? it chaps my ass that men like me get left in the dust. u hear all the time in society that all women want is a man who respects them and will listen. maybe has a great sense of humor to boot.

but in my experience on this subject has shown a completely different set of desires and wants. now i know this might ruffle some feathers but it seems like women want men who are *******s. i for the life of me cant figure why that is but iv got some theories.

 

1. females subconsciously seek out men that fit there own set of insecurities and hangups. girls who feel like **** seek out men that will treat them like ****.

 

well actually now that put that down on paper so to speak all the other points i thought of pretty much stem from that one statement.

 

me personally i dont know how to be successful in the dating scene thanks to my niceness. i get over looked and filed away into the dreaded friend zone.

 

So who on here has anything to say about nice guys and or girls? cuz im sure that there are just as many women who suffer from nice guy syndrome.

 

I'm a really really nice guy too & have a really really hard time getting a girl that my uncle had to find one for me & it was only a ONS. If it was up to me I would've never got her u know .

[d0nnivain]

It means he has been settled for and I would rather be tortured than settled for. Being settled for is a slow kind of torture in and of itself.

 

No you have it all wrong. They don't settle for the nice guy. They finally wake up & realize the nice guy is the prize so they CHOOSE him.

[Iguanna]

There are a lot of teen and 20-something women who haven't gained their self-confidence yet. They are unsure of themselves, don't flirt with guys because they are scared of being judged and/or rejected, and sit in the background while their more extroverted friends laugh and flirt and dance. You don't want those "alpha" females who are in the front of the crowd choosing from the hot "bad boys". You want her friend, who is sitting at the table behind her rolling her eyes.

 

With who do these extroverted girl flirt and dance? With the bad guys who make their lives exciting. You can't have an "alpha female" unless you are an "alpha male" yourself (I hate to give some names to people judging on looks but ok, lets follow your steps here). So long story short, you can't have these extroverted girls to begin with.

 

Basically, they are the "nice girl" counterparts to the "nice guys".

 

THOSE are the girls you want (if you are looking for a relationship; not you, Woggle, but OP). Some of them are pretty and don't know it. Some of them COULD be 10s if they weren't hiding behind sweatshirts and throwing their hair into ponytails every day.

 

Some of them don't even care to be pretty cause they want to be appreciated for their brain and personality rather than their looks. But due to the fact they don't have the experience to know that bad guys will play along with them so they get what they want ("i've never met a girl like you, I'm not interested in looks - only in personality, you are the smartest girl I know, omg I think I'm in love with you") these good girls stick with bad guys for some time (months or even years). Then a time comes when they realize that, wtf, they are no superhumans, they are not saviors, they can't change this bad person and they realize they deserve better. Some of them have bitter feelings against men, I don't deny this. If they have some brain though they see after some time of therapy or deep thought that they don't succeed anything by blaming all men and that good men DO exist. And at that moment they start searching for the good guy and I assure you that when they find him, if they've learned their lesson and if they want to be happy, they keep him no matter what. This is why I said, good guys use to find women late but at the end they get what they want, a nice person, a happy family, an honest and non-cheating relationship. This is what happens most of the time. Well there can be some exceptions ofc, women who treat good guys bad and tend to go back searching for the bad guys once more. But this doesn't mean that good women don't exist out there, ready to appreciate a good guy.

[pteromom]

I have just seen some of these women who always complain about how there no good men and bash us with no end but a good guy comes in front of them and they treat him like he has disease.

 

Well, what they mean are good men they are actually attracted to. Same for men... lots of posts here on LS about guys who can't attract the women they want, but can get women they wouldn't settle for.

 

People don't just want someone who is nice. They want someone they connect with. Nothing wrong with that.

[carhill]

They are too scared to stand up to the men who actually wronged them so you take the brunt of that all that anti-male rage.

In a way, I don't blame them. We've got a medium sized city's worth of prisons around me filled with violent offenders. Self-preservation is pretty high on most people's lists. They likely sensed they'd get away with it with me due to my non-violent nature. IMO, when one comes from a violent background, one develops good 'reads' regarding who's safe and who's not. Having dealt with some of that yourself, I imagine you have some really good 'read' skills when it comes to people. Women, being generally less able to defend against violence, develop them even more, IME.

 

Such experiences, and knowing the demographic, forms the crux of my advice to the OP to grow a compatible social circle first, then use it to screen dating potentials. Concurrently, form a few 'rough' edges. Nothing abusive or violent, but more indifferent. Know how it hurts to hit a concrete wall? The wall doesn't care. It's just there.

[lino]

They are too scared to stand up to the men who actually wronged them so you take the brunt of that all that anti-male rage.

 

This is the saddest and most pathetic part of it all. Nothing but complete cowardice.

The guys who bash them, cheat on them, steal from them, etc go completely un punished and hence continue to act like f*ck wits (why change if your poor behaviour is constantly rewarded rather than condemned?).

 

Then one day they decide to give a good guy a shot and he pays for eveything the cunts have done!

[mysunflower]

I don't think women stay away from nice guys, but they do staying away from ''boring guy who labels himself nice"