coping with nice guy syndrome

[GoodOnPaper]

There are a lot of teen and 20-something women who haven't gained their self-confidence yet. They are unsure of themselves, don't flirt with guys because they are scared of being judged and/or rejected, and sit in the background while their more extroverted friends laugh and flirt and dance.

 

Basically, they are the "nice girl" counterparts to the "nice guys".

 

THOSE are the girls you want (if you are looking for a relationship; not you, Woggle, but OP). Some of them are pretty and don't know it. Some of them COULD be 10s if they weren't hiding behind sweatshirts and throwing their hair into ponytails every day.

 

Especially when you are young, it's easiest to notice what's being expressed at the surface. "Nice girls", who are bad at sending out signals of interest, rarely connect with "nice guys" as we're bad at receiving and understanding such signals, anyway. Back in college, I was chewed up and spit out by one or two of those extroverted girls. I also remember that even back in the '80s, there were a few of my counterparts -- introverted, nerdy, science types -- but they seemed so UNinterested and UNapproachable. Maybe it was just their shyness showing.

 

Every "nice guy's" journey is a little different but I think a lot of it boils down to being overly-sensitive (which manifests in part as fear of rejection), which is not seen as masculine, and an overwhelming sense of emptiness in life that can lead to being too impatient with oneself.

 

I think for many "nice guys", time is their friend even though it's pretty much impossible for them (us) to see that. Don't blow your shot at being a late bloomer. Those who are young should try to understand that in the big picture, the lack of a dating life pales in comparison to more important things like establishing enough financial independence to have a home, transportation, and to set yourself on the education/job/career path that you want. Until you're at that point, try to view all things dating- and sex-related as practice. Practice meeting and chatting with different girls, practice asking them out even when it feels like you are cold-calling. Even practice rejecting girls. That's one I could never do, but part of breaking the "nice guy" chains is realizing when you don't want a girl and doing something about it.

 

I focused way too much on trying to be serious about dating way too soon. When you are young, you don't realize that as you get older, 1) life eventually stops revolving around how good you are or aren't at bars and parties, and 2) life gets fuller in general. Job/career, family, and hobbies become a bigger part of your life and you can gain some perspective regarding the role of dating and relationships. It may actually be more FUN if you're not relying on dating/sex/relationships to completely fill your life.

 

I haven't been able to live out most of my advice, so maybe the most important thing I could say is start addressing your "nice guy" tendencies while you are still single. Once you are married with kids, you are very limited in what you can actually do about things.

[Editbee]

I don't think women stay away from nice guys, but they do staying away from ''boring guy who labels himself nice"

Tell me about it. Nothing more annoying than some guy who keeps calling himself nice. I think anyone can be nice (that's how they all start out in the beginning after all) but not kind and special.

[befriendlyplease]

You know what? Most of the time, I don't think it's really about being a nice guy. I think there's often two things going on in this type of situation:

 

1. Approaching women who have a habit of gravitating towards 'bad guys'. These women are not emotionally healthy. So if a 'nice guy' insists on approaching that type of lady, it may be worthwhile asking himself why he is attracted to women who clearly have some issues to work through. Seems to me that the 'nice guy' may himself have some issues that need some looking into.

 

2. Being unable to deal with rejection. Look, everybody gets rejected at one point or another. 'Nice guys' get rejected, 'bad guys' get rejected too, and so do ladies. In fact, the more you put yourself out there, the more rejection you will experience. It seems to me that the way people respond to rejection has an influence on their self-confidence and the way they carry themselves when interacting with potential love interests. Some guys take rejection too personally. They seem to believe that if a particular lady is not interested, then that is a statement on their worthiness as human beings/ as men. So, pretty quickly, they fixate on all their experiences of rejection, and these experiences come to define the way they see themselves.

 

I think this is the best answer.

 

1. Approaching women who have a habit of gravitating towards 'bad guys'. These women are not emotionally healthy. So if a 'nice guy' insists on approaching that type of lady, it may be worthwhile asking himself why he is attracted to women who clearly have some issues to work through. Seems to me that the 'nice guy' may himself have some issues that need some looking into.

 

Yeah, why not ponder why you're attracted to nut jobs?

 

2. Being unable to deal with rejection. Look, everybody gets rejected at one point or another. 'Nice guys' get rejected, 'bad guys' get rejected too, and so do ladies. In fact, the more you put yourself out there, the more rejection you will experience. It seems to me that the way people respond to rejection has an influence on their self-confidence and the way they carry themselves when interacting with potential love interests. Some guys take rejection too personally. They seem to believe that if a particular lady is not interested, then that is a statement on their worthiness as human beings/ as men. So, pretty quickly, they fixate on all their experiences of rejection, and these experiences come to define the way they see themselves.

 

Good advice. But I feel for people that are down on themselves because of rejection. It can be a tough thing to keep confidence up when things don't seem to be going your way.

[befriendlyplease]

i know im not the only one with what i call nice guy syndrome. so i thought this might be a good place to see if there are any others with this most unsatisfying and unfortunate personal trait.

everyone knows those guys out there that are by all accounts great guys with respect for the female species who dont go out all the time and just collect notches on the bed post. guys who actually care about what women tell them and have to say. who want more than just an hour of drunken sex.

well im one of those guys. and ya know what? it chaps my ass that men like me get left in the dust. u hear all the time in society that all women want is a man who respects them and will listen. maybe has a great sense of humor to boot.

but in my experience on this subject has shown a completely different set of desires and wants. now i know this might ruffle some feathers but it seems like women want men who are *******s. i for the life of me cant figure why that is but iv got some theories.

 

1. females subconsciously seek out men that fit there own set of insecurities and hangups. girls who feel like **** seek out men that will treat them like ****.

 

well actually now that put that down on paper so to speak all the other points i thought of pretty much stem from that one statement.

 

me personally i dont know how to be successful in the dating scene thanks to my niceness. i get over looked and filed away into the dreaded friend zone.

 

So who on here has anything to say about nice guys and or girls? cuz im sure that there are just as many women who suffer from nice guy syndrome.

 

A lot will depend of the types of people your with. If you keep seeing a similar type of situation, you might think that's how things always are. For instance, you could go to lots of parties where the jerks seemed to be getting all the attention and then start to think that's always how it was. You could also find yourself at a party where the girls were charmed by all the funny guys.

 

If you feel like you should make a change, I think you should try be a person that takes chances rather than someone who's not nice.

 

well im one of those guys. and ya know what? it chaps my ass that men like me get left in the dust. u hear all the time in society that all women want is a man who respects them and will listen. maybe has a great sense of humor to boot.

 

And who doesn't want to be with ol' dusty chapped ass?

 

1. females subconsciously seek out men that fit there own set of insecurities and hangups. girls who feel like **** seek out men that will treat them like ****.

 

well actually now that put that down on paper so to speak all the other points i thought of pretty much stem from that one statement.

 

Sometimes that happens. Not always though.

 

me personally i dont know how to be successful in the dating scene thanks to my niceness. i get over looked and filed away into the dreaded friend zone.

 

My advice is to lift some weights and take some chances, but don't be a jerk.

 

So who on here has anything to say about nice guys and or girls? cuz im sure that there are just as many women who suffer from nice guy syndrome.

 

It all depends on where you are and who you're surrounded by.

[sarbunoemi]

I was in the same boat as you. I liked to listen to people's needs and to put them in front of my needs, of fear of rejection. This kind of behavior was more like a people-pleaser one. After a time, I enjoyed it because people called me "nice", "caring", "thoughtful" though after a time, I got tired satisfying the needs of everyone. I got overwhelmed and cut all contact with them. In romantic relationships it was a mix between people pleaser behavior and nice guy syndrome.

I experienced whenever a person is too nice, will be used as a doormat. If you are being yourself, you meet people who will respect the real you.

Usually, if someone wants to change a behavior, coping and accepting the mistake is first step to success. The second step is the hardest: when you stop labeling yourself.

Think about it, everyone is labeled as a certain type of person, and we usually tend to stick with it instinctively. Why? Because we were educated this way in childhood.

If you stop labeling yourself, I promise you it will be much easier to lead a happier life; after a time you will not care of what others might think of you, you will not over analyze things and it will be much easier to cope and to forgive your past mistakes.

Get busy, like picking a new hobby, sport, workout, read, join a club like painting, video gaming etc and watch your health. These activities will help you to build a better you, boost your confidence.

 

If life gives you hardships, smile and move on; don't let destroy your confidence.

Walk,talk and act in a confident manner. Don't label yourself as "unsuccessful on the dating scene" because "I am the nice guy" and "nice guys usually get friend zoned".

 

You are successful already by being yourself. Cherish it.

And if you do act confidently, don't do it because you want to get girls, do it for yourself. Don't be dependent on girls and relationships. Always work on achieving the best of you.

[Targetlock]

you can only be one person and that is yourself, remember that. trying to be something you are not never works out. that is my thinking anyway.

[mysunflower]

Tell me about it. Nothing more annoying than some guy who keeps calling himself nice. I think anyone can be nice (that's how they all start out in the beginning after all) but not kind and special.

 

I think a nice guy is someone who has good heart and does the right things. He may be tough-looking, he may love partying, he might be a very out-going and humorous person, he may be very adventurous and has thousand ideas to make his life interesting.

As long as a man has a good heart, being confident, and does the right things, he''s the nice guy that every sane woman desires.

Being shy and too afraid to try is just your personality, and it doesn''t mean you are a better person than anyone. Nice is nice, social awkward is just social awkward.