I know now that I took my ex for granted.

[clementyne]

One thing I didn't mention about our relationship: about 6-8 months into it, she left me to try and work things out with her previous ex. Who she was also with for 4 years and only separated from for 3 months before we met. That only lasted a couple weeks before I welcomed her back eagerly, also I didn't beg nearly as much. Even went NC almost immediately, though it still hurt. That's about.the time I made my account here.

 

This is good and bad. On one hand, she tried to work it out with her ex after several months, on the other I was a rebound that was somewhat successful. So her rebound could also be successful, lol. Woe is me.

 

I guess what you're really trying to figure out is whether the new guy is gonna end up as a 'successful' rebound like you were, or if you could be a 'second chance' ex like her previous bf, lol. But seriously, she left you for her ex, came back, then left you again and hooked up immediately with someone else?? I see red flags everywhere!

[thegrouch]

I understand what you're saying. I don't know for sure, but that's why I said in a few more Months I might be strong enough to handle the rejection. I think. At least be able to handle it better then rather than next month.

[clementyne]

Just take it one day at a time and don't try to think too far ahead. It's possible you may still feel the same, but it's also possible that you may feel indifferent by then. Just take each day as it comes and try to focus on moving forward regardless of her position in your life.

[thegrouch]

I hope I feel indifferent by then, though I would be surprised if I did. I know the best case scenario would be for her to reach out to me, but I can't help feeling like love is worth fighting for.

[thegrouch]

I guess what you're really trying to figure out is whether the new guy is gonna end up as a 'successful' rebound like you were, or if you could be a 'second chance' ex like her previous bf, lol. But seriously, she left you for her ex, came back, then left you again and hooked up immediately with someone else?? I see red flags everywhere!

 

You're right. I know it sounds odd. At.the time she left me I sort of understood, ad odd ad it sounds and as much as it hurt. Also didn't mention that she was married to him for one year and has a child. That's maybe why I was able to understand. She was still married when I met her but seaparated and living in different cities for 3 months. I didn't know this right away, but of course found out soon after.

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

I hope I feel indifferent by then, though I would be surprised if I did. I know the best case scenario would be for her to reach out to me, but I can't help feeling like love is worth fighting for.

 

You do realize that her comment about you not hanging with her friends was a direct comparison to the guy she was already interested in, right?

 

The break up probably has nothing to do with you hanging with her friends. She was just already comparing you two.

 

She had already left you in her heart. She had fallen for this guy so if he's a rebound, then it's to get away from you.

 

There is no love to fight for. She doesn't love you.

 

Any fighting you do will just be fighting reality and no one, absolutely no one will appreciate you for it. The will even resent you.

[thegrouch]

Yeah that's been in the back of my mind honestly.

[thegrouch]

You do realize that her comment about you not hanging with her friends was a direct comparison to the guy she was already interested in, right?

 

The break up probably has nothing to do with you hanging with her friends. She was just already comparing you two.

 

She had already left you in her heart. She had fallen for this guy so if he's a rebound, then it's to get away from you.

 

There is no love to fight for. She doesn't love you.

 

Any fighting you do will just be fighting reality and no one, absolutely no one will appreciate you for it. The will even resent you.

 

Technically, isn't that a sign of a rebound? Comparing the two people?

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

Technically, isn't that a sign of a rebound? Comparing the two people?

 

I don't know if it is when they haven't left you yet. I'd think they would compare you after.

[thegrouch]

Actually, she did tell me that after the breakup, anfter she had been involved with the guy but before I knew about him.

 

She said it during one of the times I tried to beg.

Edited November 19, 2013 by thegrouch

[thegrouch]

We had a fight a week before the breakup which she mentioned during the breakup. When I tried to find out why we were broken up, during my begging, is when she mentioned the thing about not gaming out with her enough and her friends. After she had gotten involved with the other guy who was already friends with her friends. Tja

[thegrouch]

You're right. I know it sounds odd. At.the time she left me I sort of understood, ad odd ad it sounds and as much as it hurt. Also didn't mention that she was married to him for one year and has a child. That's maybe why I was able to understand. She was still married when I met her but seaparated and living in different cities for 3 months. I didn't know this right away, but of course found out soon after.

 

Also their relationship seemed pretty toxic from what I gather. There was physical fighting and cheating on both sides. I know I wasnt THAT bad of a boyfriend. I guess that's why I stand some chance of her wanting to come back. As long as the new guy isn't totally perfect.

[thegrouch]

Also, those reasons she gave me after the fact: not hanging out with her or her friends enough seems to reinforce the fact that I took her for granted and makes it a little less gray for me.

[thegrouch]

Also, I know I am grasping at straws but when I found out about him I went through the FB stalking phase and found out that he has two kids around 7 and 9 with a girl that he was probably only separated from a couple months before he got involved with my ex. He is pretty different from me and although he and my ex knew of eachother, as far as i know they didnt really know eachother. So he may very well be on the rebound as well.

 

Sorry for turning this into a "is it a rebound thread."

 

I know that rebounds can work. I'm an example, lol.

[Jmk21]

Just let it go. I think your at the barganing stage. Rebound is just a vague term for a physical/emotional crutch.

 

If she didnt know him before it might not work

If she did he's the bigger n better deal

 

But even if it fails it doesn't mean shes coming back

[thegrouch]

Well, I won't say how I know, but she wasn't sure where she met him originally, and only became facebook friends the day we broke up. And I believe they hung out the night we broke up for the first time ever.

 

Ok ill drop it now, lol. I know over-analyzing will not help me but its hard not to. I know everyone says move on, but its still hard.

 

I am trying to do things to improve my looks and self esteem. I haven't done the gym thing yet because of some money issues but I will. I am changing my hair style. Though I have no choice because she was a cosmetologist and cut my hair the last four years lol. But I am growing it out some, which she always wanted me to do but I always wanted her to cut it short. I also got a really cool dragon tattoo. She is covered in tattoos and always wanted me to get one but I was never interested in them. I am glad I did though, I see now what all the fuss is about. I know I am pretty good looking, she always compared me to Patrick Swayze lol. But hopefully if I ever see her again I can blow her mind.

Edited November 19, 2013 by thegrouch

[Jules78]

My ex of 12 days (but who is counting?) has gone no contact for those 12 days. That morning I told him to leave me alone - I was trying to get over something he had done but it wasn't happening. I contacted him on the 9th, 11th, 13th and lastly on the 14th. He read all of the emails and didn't reply to any of them. I feel 150% worse than I did.

 

I sent one asking him to please talk to me, one apologizing, one saying I forgave him then I lit into him on the last one. He wasn't going to respond no matter what I said or did. Today is day 5 of me not contacting him but I am pretty sure he is already over me so the no contact is for me to stop making a damn fool of myself. He tried, I said no, now I am contacting him. lol It's embarassing.

 

Don't do it -it will only make you feel worse. Post it here if you need to.

[thegrouch]

Yeah I'm trying not to contact right now. I'm just wondering if under these circumstances, if I should try in a couple more months.

[Jules78]

I hope in a couple more months you feel better and don't have the same urge to contact. I hope the same for myself as well.

[cavalier99]

Yeah I'm trying not to contact right now. I'm just wondering if under these circumstances, if I should try in a couple more months.

 

No you shouldnt try. This whole thread relates to her and this new guy. What about you?

 

You need to let this go bro and just go NC and never break it. The goal now is indifference. This is the holy grail of recovery.

 

All your energy should be put into this. Not anayzing if her new RS will work or if you should contact her ecetera.

 

I know it is tough but you need to sack up and decide that it is over. She left you. Get mad, cry ecetera.

 

But accpet that she is gone and you will recover and wont care one day. This is the goal now. You will see that it gets better once you accepet that it is 100 percent dead. Time to give up and focus on you. OK? Rock on! Cav

Edited November 19, 2013 by cavalier99

[Haydn]

Get out, get out of this now. You are harming yourself. Its finished. Stop plotting, stop hoping. Block everything and try to move on with your life. Dont learn the hard way like so many of us have. MOVE ON. You dont need to convince us. Just yourself. Take care.

[thegrouch]

Maybe I am crazy and pathetic, but right now I feel like just a little bit of hope is what keeps me going.

[lauri]

Maybe I am crazy and pathetic, but right now I feel like just a little bit of hope is what keeps me going.

 

I had that same feeling / desire to not let go because that "little" hope is all I had left of that person.

 

I'm going to break it down this way to hopefully help you. With my ex, she pulled a lot of wicked stuff to try to keep me around but ultimately in the end I realized some important things.

 

A girl with a high interest level (aka being inlove) would never leave you. Normally, her interest level is pushed so far down (below the 49% mark) that it'll never return / go back up. Ultimately, she will never forget all those negative things she built up in her head (true or not). Normally, an ex will keep you around until she found someone else / as a safety net. In your case, she already has someone and doesn't have any interest of keeping you around.

 

I strongly suggest you don't break NC, not yet. Eventually you may be able to in the lonng lonng future, but as of right now, I can tell you dude you are not ready.

 

The point if here...don't waste your time on someone who isn't interested in you. I know your ego is hurt, I know you are hurt because you wished things happened differently...but it didn't. Reality of the fact is that you need to move on, meet new girls, work out, etc. All of those good memories you had of her, they are gone.

 

I learned a lot of this the hard way by breaking no contact - my ex pretended to still care for me / want me at first but just to make herself have an ego boost. But the thing is, I spent 3 months not talking to her to only heal myself and improve. It helped me in that encounter and only made me more aware of what was going on.

 

There is nothing you can do or say that will give you that closure you are looking for. You have to have the mentality that it is HER loss, not yours .

[Haydn]

We all had hope my friend. But it will hold you back! Get on with it and see what happens. Dont fight this illusion. Thats all it is.

[NoMoreJerks]

She left you because you didn't hang out with her enough? Wow, what a mature thing to do. Instead of, for example, sitting down and expressing her needs to you and telling you that you haven't been meeting her expectations. And you know, acting like a mature adult...

 

No, my friend, you taking her for granted was not the reason for the break-up. I highly doubt that it is. You may have taken her for granted, but if she were invested in the relationship, she would've found a way to work on it. It's the same excuse that cheaters come up with. It was your muffin top that pushed me into cheating! Or the fact that you don't cook for me! Or don't spend time with me! Oh yeah. How about telling me that stuff, instead of f*cking some other woman behind my back (while continuing to enjoy the cake at my place)? Talk about people who want their cake and eat it too. And these types won't leave you until they have found someone to replace you with, since they are usually not equipped (emotionally) to be on their own. Pathetic.

 

I say, stop blaming yourself, feeling guilty, etc. Stop wondering what you did wrong. Honestly. Not saying you shouldn't own up to your part, but the ultimate blame falls on her shoulders since she didn't even tell you that it wasn't working for her and that you needed to change things.

 

I'd just move on and go complete NC and improve my life in other ways. This chick will not add anything to your life. Not the way she has treated you and dumped you like some disposable object.