Loveless21 Posted November 19, 2013 Share Posted November 19, 2013 Is it the unsaid rule that spouses CAN have sex while separated? I dont get it.. If your still marrried how is that not wrong? Im separated from my husb a few months and he makes himself seem like he is a saint bc he didnt have sex with anyone.. It wasdnt even a thought in my head to have sex with someone other than my husband even if we ARE separated. Goes to show how dumb I am i guess.. What do most people do? Is this a free for all stage? How is that justified though? Or do people not care about that? Link to post Share on other sites
alonefornow Posted November 19, 2013 Share Posted November 19, 2013 Based on your other posts, it seems that you are beginning to realize that your husband may be emotionally abusive. This is certainly another example of manipulating your thinking at the very least. I highly recommend IC if you are not going already, and I'd also recommend calling a domestic violence hotline. There you can talk with people who have experience with this and it can give you perspective. As to your question, flaunting one's behavior in a relationship in a "see I'm a saint" kind of way is not OK. Your husband cheated on you while you weren't separated and now that you are separated he wants accolades for not having sex? That's pretty ridiculous. The terms of the separation should have been mutually agreed on by the two of you, I wouldn't leave anything to unsaid rules. That said, don't fall back to unsaid rules. What do you think of his behavior, actions, and words? You don't need to worry about how you should feel, worry about how you do feel. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Loveless21 Posted November 19, 2013 Author Share Posted November 19, 2013 I suspect he cheated before. Not confirmed. I know he had amotional affairs (he thinks its a made up term) and he did many things that crossed lines but not sure he cheated.... Link to post Share on other sites
GuyInLimbo Posted November 19, 2013 Share Posted November 19, 2013 There is no right or wrong. If one is emotionally done with the relationship and is moving towards a divorce, then there is nothing inherently wrong with that. You just need to make sure you're in a healthy place to take that plunge and also be up front with your new bedmate about your situation and where you head is at. Just because it hasn't even entered your mind shows that you're simply not ready for intimacy with someone else right now. And that's OK. As far as your H goes, screw him (not literally). What is he a dog? Does he want a biscuit for his "good behavior?" And an emotional affair is no more or less "cheating" than a physical affair. He cheated. Period. Get into IC right now and find the strength to get him out of your life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 19, 2013 Share Posted November 19, 2013 (edited) Is it the unsaid rule that spouses CAN have sex while separated? None that I know of; you can do whatever you want. I dont get it.. If your still marrried how is that not wrong? Yep, agree. Many people have sex with their estranged spouse Im separated from my husb a few months and he makes himself seem like he is a saint bc he didnt have sex with anyone.. It wasdnt even a thought in my head to have sex with someone other than my husband even if we ARE separated. That's his path. When I separated from my exW, consistent with my relationship style, I had no interest in having sex with her, as sex for myself is an expression of intimacy and love and there was neither during that period. Goes to show how dumb I am i guess.. I think that pondering such questions is far from 'dumb'. What do most people do? Is this a free for all stage? How is that justified though? Or do people not care about that? Everyone is different. Some people see 'separated' as license to have relationships with others. I met a number of MW's with that mindset when I was younger and a few affairs resulted. Other people remain celibate; that was me. Others still have relations with the estranged spouse. My exW got a new boyfriend. Many paths. Upon re-reading, if your assertion is that H is making himself out to be a saint by being apparently celibate during separation even though he apparently had inappropriate relations with others while you were together, that sounds rather hypocritical of him, and manipulative, as far as exerting social pressure for you to be celibate during separation. If you're separated to become divorced, as most people do, do what you want. His opinion is irrelevant. However, I wouldn't mix sex with others and sex with spouse, due to emotional and STD concerns. Good luck. Edited November 19, 2013 by carhill Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted November 19, 2013 Share Posted November 19, 2013 Usually the one who's doing the dumping has no problems with a sexual smorgasbord. The dumpee, however, takes a little bit longer usually before bellying up to the buffet table. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Loveless21 Posted November 19, 2013 Author Share Posted November 19, 2013 Im not sure i was clear.. I meant sex with other ppl.. We didnt confirm if we are separated for divorce.. He seems to think he will change and will contact couples therapist for an appt.. We never said we ARE for sure getting divorced.. When hes angry at me (when i god forbid put my foot down or stick up for myself) he says i cant wait for divorce... But this past week he was very down and depressed and kept saying he needs me back and cant go on this way etc.... Anyways a little off topic but just showing we aremt quite done... So i think having sex with others would be highly inappropriate. @guy in limbo.. This is how he always spoke. If he did dishes at home when we lived together i had to acknowldege it.. He never thanked me for caring for kids or for household chores yet he wanted recognition every time he lifted a finger (his being insecure). And in this case he actually texted me that he wants it to be recognized that he stayed faithful throughout the separation. I texted him back so am i (faithful) big whoop do i deserve a medal? Link to post Share on other sites
Monodare1 Posted November 19, 2013 Share Posted November 19, 2013 With regards to myself, the wife ended it with me, asked for a divorce the evening of the actual separation. It's very apparent that we will not be getting back together, she goes out with her friends regularly, done herself up, hammering the gym and I'm doing likewise. I've remained celibate since we separated in June although I can't speak for the ex (apparently not involved but who knows what's she's up to when I have our son at the weekend) I haven't so far been presented with an opportunity for sex, that said, I can't say I wouldn't do it. Again it really depends on if you have hopes or are looking to salvage the relationship. I'm very aware that its apparent my relationship has bitten the dust. Link to post Share on other sites
Monodare1 Posted November 19, 2013 Share Posted November 19, 2013 I have to add that there was no inappropriate behaviour on my part that ended the relationship, it just came to and end after a long drawn out death. Link to post Share on other sites
ChooseTruth Posted November 19, 2013 Share Posted November 19, 2013 I consider it adultery and am shocked out how many people have active profiles with "separated" status on Match.com... Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted November 19, 2013 Share Posted November 19, 2013 I consider it adultery and am shocked out how many people have active profiles with "separated" status on Match.com... So people should spend a year or two just pining until the D is final? I"m a BH in the process of separating. I'm not going to go looking for anything, but I'll be damned if I won't be with a women just because I don't have my paperwork in order. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Monodare1 Posted November 19, 2013 Share Posted November 19, 2013 I haven't joined any dating sites (primarily as I met the stbxw on one and don't wish to make the same mistake twice), that said, if I meet someone in the usual way, and they are interested, should I in all conscience turn down that opportunity of happiness just because I need to wait until paperwork is through? My relationship is finished, done and the ex was the one who pulled the trigger, why should I miss out on a chance of happiness? Sorry, but no. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Loveless21 Posted November 20, 2013 Author Share Posted November 20, 2013 I consider it adultery and am shocked out how many people have active profiles with "separated" status on Match.com... I totally Agreee! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Loveless21 Posted November 20, 2013 Author Share Posted November 20, 2013 I haven't joined any dating sites (primarily as I met the stbxw on one and don't wish to make the same mistake twice), that said, if I meet someone in the usual way, and they are interested, should I in all conscience turn down that opportunity of happiness just because I need to wait until paperwork is through? My relationship is finished, done and the ex was the one who pulled the trigger, why should I miss out on a chance of happiness? Sorry, but no. I guess also its diff if one would go out specificslly to get laid (while unsure if getting divorced or not) OR if one is sure teyre getting divorced but just didnt finalize paperwork and happens to meet somoene and they start a relationship the normal way... Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted November 21, 2013 Share Posted November 21, 2013 some will disagree but I think it depends on the reason for the separation. If the separation is to let the dust settle and for people to cool off and then try to reconcile and save the marriage then having sex with other people will be detrimental to that process. ....kind of a no-brainer there. However if the separation is because one or both parties truly believe the marriage is over and the separation is simply a step in the divorce process then I would assume that people will be banging others whether the church-ladies like it or not. My own personal opinion in the matter is if people are saying they are trying to reconcile and save the marriage, if they screw someone during the separation, it is just good old fashioned cheating in my book. However if the marriage is essentially dead and people are using the separation as step towards moving on, then there probably should be an assumption that both parties are going to take whatever opportunity that they want. Link to post Share on other sites
EllyM Posted November 21, 2013 Share Posted November 21, 2013 If you were separated and a divorce was imminent, whether or not you or he slept with others would be a personal decision. Some people would, some wouldn't. I personally would at least want to wait until I was emotionally OK with the divorce & completely over my husband. However, if you're separated, with the intentions of trying to work things out in the marriage, then heck no you shouldn't be sleeping with other people! That's not going to help any reconciliation AT ALL! So the fact that your husband bragged about that only shows what an entitled a-hole he is. I can see this, because my husband sounds exactly like yours (except I know for a fact mine had a long-term affair). He thinks you should be honored that he hasn't slept with anyone - - just like he felt you should thank him profusely for carrying his dirty plate from the table to the sink (that's the kind of crap mine does). Those are the kinds of actions that should make you think, "Why in the world do I want to stay married to that?". Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted November 21, 2013 Share Posted November 21, 2013 So people should spend a year or two just pining until the D is final? . I agree. If the marriage is over and people are separated pending a divorce, why wait one more day on a paperwork technicality????? In most divorces there is a good chance both people were miserable and lonely for a long time before the separation came anyway. Why draw that out any longer just because some judge hasn't signed a specific line on a paper yet??? If you don't want to involve yourself with other people until all the paperwork is signed, sealed and delivered that is your right and your prerogative. However if you want your partner to remain sexually exclusive and monogamous onto you then do not separate from them or divorce them. As far as I am concerned if my wife wants to divorce me and wants to separate from me, the moment she says, "I break with thee, I break with thee, I break with thee," I have license to do whatever I want and so does she. It's a very simple formula really, if you want sexual exclusivity, don't separate or divorce. Once you separate or file on your partner, you have to assume they are going to move on with life. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted November 21, 2013 Share Posted November 21, 2013 It's a very simple formula really, if you want sexual exclusivity, don't separate or divorce. Once you separate or file on your partner, you have to assume they are going to move on with life. Again, the exception to this would be if people are separated to let the dust settle and for things to calm down as part of a reconciliation process and not part of a divorce process. In the case of a mutually agreed upon reconciliation process, it would obviously be detrimental to be seeing other people. In that case both parties need to explicitly agree upon the conditions and ground rules of the separation in regards to other people. Link to post Share on other sites
imtooconfused Posted November 21, 2013 Share Posted November 21, 2013 For the most part, I agree with what oldshirt has articulated. It really depends on the nature of the separation and the desire (or lack thereof) on reconciliation. Quite honestly, this should have been negotiated at the beginning of the separation. If it wasn't negotiated and your partner uses the separation time to sow their oats, that speaks clearly to their expectation of reconciliation. Link to post Share on other sites
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