I learned You can never really go back

[Brown-Eyez]

After a couple of months of breadcrumbs from him after he dumped me abruptly

we started full on contact again

he never told me why he came back

but only said it was him that had kept us apart

he didn't really say he wanted me

but called & texted me daily

 

At first I was SO HAPPY that he was back!!

 

But then it was clear that he wasn't the same sweet man who had courted me before..

gone were the kind & loving words

instead it was alot of sex talk

that was fun but felt kinda empty too

 

he also got mad at me alot over little misunderstandings

I had to keep backpedaling to keep him calm

 

so he was back but not really

his heart just didn't seem into me

as if he was testing me

 

even though he had dumped me

it seemed he wanted me to do all the effort to pursue him

but I had to keep my dignity

so i didn't chase him

i just kept being super sweet, kind, & considerate

and he grew alittle colder..

 

we were to finally meet up

and at the last minute he canceled on me

with no apology

 

so yeah dumpers do return

but they are often only the shadow of who they once were

 

second chances are great

and maybe worth the risk

but it is so true, they really gotta say they WANT to make things work

 

it also has to be considered a BRAND NEW relationship

i thought we could just keep going where we left off

i was wrong.

 

the pain of being strung along was just too much

I have now gone full no contact

and plan to never see him again

 

my heart is really hurting tonight

i really miss him!!!

but i miss who he once was not who returned to me

 

moral of the story: be careful what you wish for

[leafguy]

Just remember how you went without him before. You have done it once, you can do it again. Focus on yourself

[Simon Phoenix]

They can come back, but you have to allow some time for both of you to evolve and then start anew. This didn't happen for you because you weren't able to stop yourself from contacting him. But yeah, I went to one wedding last summer of a relationship that reconciled after a break and am going to another one in the spring.

 

While reconciliations like that are rare, they happened because both parties in each case accepted the break up and stayed away from each other and took care of whatever they needed to take care of. And then after that, one got in touch with the other (I believe it was the dumper in both cases) and started a new relationship.

 

This didn't happen for you because you refused to accept that the old relationship was over. You thought all you had to do was act cute and look sexy and he'd be attracted to you and want to get back with you right away. In a way you were right -- he wanted to have sex with you, but he certainly didn't have the old feelings.

 

Anyway, I hope you have finally learned and will actually give NC a chance.

[organizedchaos]

They can come back, but you have to allow some time for both of you to evolve and then start anew. This didn't happen for you because you weren't able to stop yourself from contacting him. But yeah, I went to one wedding last summer of a relationship that reconciled after a break and am going to another one in the spring.

 

While reconciliations like that are rare, they happened because both parties in each case accepted the break up and stayed away from each other and took care of whatever they needed to take care of. And then after that, one got in touch with the other (I believe it was the dumper in both cases) and started a new relationship.

 

This didn't happen for you because you refused to accept that the old relationship was over. You thought all you had to do was act cute and look sexy and he'd be attracted to you and want to get back with you right away. In a way you were right -- he wanted to have sex with you, but he certainly didn't have the old feelings.

 

Anyway, I hope you have finally learned and will actually give NC a chance.

 

This is brilliant and the stage I am finally ready to embrace.

[sun1972]

They can come back, but you have to allow some time for both of you to evolve and then start anew. This didn't happen for you because you weren't able to stop yourself from contacting him. But yeah, I went to one wedding last summer of a relationship that reconciled after a break and am going to another one in the spring.

 

While reconciliations like that are rare, they happened because both parties in each case accepted the break up and stayed away from each other and took care of whatever they needed to take care of. And then after that, one got in touch with the other (I believe it was the dumper in both cases) and started a new relationship.

 

This didn't happen for you because you refused to accept that the old relationship was over. You thought all you had to do was act cute and look sexy and he'd be attracted to you and want to get back with you right away. In a way you were right -- he wanted to have sex with you, but he certainly didn't have the old feelings.

 

Anyway, I hope you have finally learned and will actually give NC a chance.

 

 

Op im sorry it didnt work out

 

Simon, does that always have to be the case though? Id have thought that it depends on the nature of the split surely?.

 

If things are otherwise good, but theres one crucial point that killed you for instance and you can change that.

 

Im just going from personal experience where i ended it over something stupid ( she had insisted on hanging out occasionally with an ex and i couldnt handle it)

 

We sorted things, and had nearly 4 more years together.

 

 

I do agree begging/pleading etc can push someone away, and i agree things have to change but i dont always think you need to set them free and all that stuff

[Simon Phoenix]

Op im sorry it didnt work out

 

Simon, does that always have to be the case though? Id have thought that it depends on the nature of the split surely?.

 

If things are otherwise good, but theres one crucial point that killed you for instance and you can change that.

 

Im just going from personal experience where i ended it over something stupid ( she had insisted on hanging out occasionally with an ex and i couldnt handle it)

 

We sorted things, and had nearly 4 more years together.

 

 

I do agree begging/pleading etc can push someone away, and i agree things have to change but i dont always think you need to set them free and all that stuff

 

Well, nothing is always true (there are always exceptions), but I think the instant reclaim works a hell of a lot less than taking real time apart. You usually just get stuck in the same flawed relationship as before.

 

But yes, NC is almost always the way to go.

Edited November 19, 2013 by Simon Phoenix

[sun1972]

Well, nothing is always true (there are always exceptions), but I think the instant reclaim works a hell of a lot less than taking real time apart. You usually just get stuck in the same flawed relationship as before.

 

But yes, NC is almost always the way to go.

 

I always thought that NC was to heal and move on, and that communication and compromise was the way to reconcilliation

 

but will admit im certainly no expert.

[Simon Phoenix]

I always thought that NC was to heal and move on, and that communication and compromise was the way to reconcilliation

 

but will admit im certainly no expert.

 

Well, NC helps settle emotions and get people in the right state of mind. Yes, it's meant to move on and heal first and foremost, but it also can help get people in the right state of mind to possibly reconcile if they choose to. Basically, NC can save people from making complete asses out of themselves.

 

Most communication in the immediate aftermath of a breakup is awful and counterproductive. You are supposed to communicate in the relationship before it breaks, not after it breaks. You are supposed to compromise in the relationship, not when it is over. You end a relationship when you think it's irrevocably broken.

 

I'm not an expert either, but sticking around and trying to "communicate" is usually a disaster waiting to happen. It wasn't for you in the situation you mentioned because you were the dumper. As the dumpee, your preferred approach would be awful.

[ariawuu]

Wow, same place as you brown eyez. exactly the same.

 

 

He wants to be with me but I don't know how he will take the no-contact stage since every time when I talk about leaving each other for a year to heal and evolve, he sounds nervous and diverts the topic..

 

and what is it with them and sex.. mine's been driving me crazy, it feels like their heart isn't really there but then they tell you otherwise..

[Simon Phoenix]

Wow, same place as you brown eyez. exactly the same.

 

 

He wants to be with me but I don't know how he will take the no-contact stage since every time when I talk about leaving each other for a year to heal and evolve, he sounds nervous and diverts the topic..

 

and what is it with them and sex.. mine's been driving me crazy, it feels like their heart isn't really there but then they tell you otherwise..

 

He doesn't want a romantic relationship. He just wants you there in case, as a fallback option. And you don't tell him you are going No Contact, you just do it.

[Mcnulty]

This thread resonated with me.

 

Same situation, they come back, the sex talk, even seeing each other, then when you try to push things forward, no reassurances, nothing, just them wanting to carry on contact...why? I'll never understand.

 

Sometimes think it's the worst type of heartache, for them to come back and just not come back if you know what i mean...so cruel...the worst heartache.

[ariawuu]

He doesn't want a romantic relationship. He just wants you there in case, as a fallback option. And you don't tell him you are going No Contact, you just do it.

 

Hi Simon Phoenix, thank you for your post to me!

 

My "unique" situation is that he had talked about marriage and moving out together pretty recently so I don't know if that's still suggesting that I'm his fallback option..

I told him that I wasn't ready for a relationship and I don't think he is as well, so neither of us wants a romantic relationship at the moment.

 

Luckily my exams are over for the year so I can face reality and concentrate on healing myself. I keep telling myself that if he really is serious about what he said then he'll still be there and better hopefully. I guess there's no other way around it.

 

I only want to go no contact until I feel like he has evolved and I have as well, but I want to talk about it to him so I don't hurt him when I cut contact since we're best friends and want to take off on good terms. The only time I'd just start no contact without warning is if I don't want him back at all.

Edited November 19, 2013 by ariawuu

[Brown-Eyez]

This thread resonated with me.

 

Same situation, they come back, the sex talk, even seeing each other, then when you try to push things forward, no reassurances, nothing, just them wanting to carry on contact...why? I'll never understand.

 

Sometimes think it's the worst type of heartache, for them to come back and just not come back if you know what i mean...so cruel...the worst heartache.

 

yes, my heartache is pretty bad

 

and i've learned from LS that if I hadn't put an end to things

he'd keep me on a leash & just keep tugging

and i foolishly thought that his contact meant he cared about me!!

i guess that's why its called cake eating

 

having banned him from contact with me is really hard

but i know it gets better with time

i have finally closed a bizarre & bitter-sweet chapter in my life..

[Brown-Eyez]

He doesn't want a romantic relationship. He just wants you there in case, as a fallback option. And you don't tell him you are going No Contact, you just do it.

 

the worse thing he would do is ignore my texts/emails

and then get mad if I didn't respond fast enough to his!!

 

i'm actively practicing the golden rule these days

so as much as an assclown as he became

i didn't want him to have to experience that hanging around feeling waiting for a response

so i let him know that i was going full no contact

(without exactly saying i was blocking him completely)

 

i think even if you don't get respect

its no reason not to give it

 

it was also very good for me to let him know he was inconsiderate & hurtful

(maybe the next girl will benefit by receiving better treatment from him!)

and to tell him that i cared about him

but implied that my self-respect meant more to me

 

and now when i miss him

or doubt my decision to go NC

i re-read what I wrote to him

and then i remember

[Brown-Eyez]

Wow, same place as you brown eyez. exactly the same.

 

 

He wants to be with me but I don't know how he will take the no-contact stage since every time when I talk about leaving each other for a year to heal and evolve, he sounds nervous and diverts the topic..

 

and what is it with them and sex.. mine's been driving me crazy, it feels like their heart isn't really there but then they tell you otherwise..

 

i'm so sorry you're in the same place as me!

it's not a place to be shared!

 

but i learned unless I stopped contact

he would just keep on contacting me

in that really unsatisfying way

 

so i've also learned that not all contact is meaningful!

just because they reach out to you doesn't mean they are really into you!

i know, crazy, but true..

[liloldlady]

 

it also has to be considered a BRAND NEW relationship

 

True. In our case, he said we were making a brand new start, but clearly he's angry with me. Very, very angry.

[liloldlady]

They can come back, but you have to allow some time for both of you to evolve and then start anew. This didn't happen for you because you weren't able to stop yourself from contacting him. But yeah, I went to one wedding last summer of a relationship that reconciled after a break and am going to another one in the spring.

 

While reconciliations like that are rare, they happened because both parties in each case accepted the break up and stayed away from each other and took care of whatever they needed to take care of. And then after that, one got in touch with the other (I believe it was the dumper in both cases) and started a new relationship.

 

Interesting! I'd like to take your advice, but the holidays are coming up and his birthday. It's always been my role in the relationship to draw him out of his shell. Of course, do what you've always done, expect same results. I'll try to leave him alone until Thanksgiving, then his birthday soon after, Christmas, then New Year's.

[liloldlady]

He doesn't want a romantic relationship. He just wants you there in case, as a fallback option. And you don't tell him you are going No Contact, you just do it.

 

Interesting. My case: seems like he doesn't want to be with me, but can't stand the thought of me with someone else either. (Certainly not someone he knows and does not approve of.)

[Simon Phoenix]

Hi Simon Phoenix, thank you for your post to me!

 

My "unique" situation is that he had talked about marriage and moving out together pretty recently so I don't know if that's still suggesting that I'm his fallback option..

I told him that I wasn't ready for a relationship and I don't think he is as well, so neither of us wants a romantic relationship at the moment.

 

Luckily my exams are over for the year so I can face reality and concentrate on healing myself. I keep telling myself that if he really is serious about what he said then he'll still be there and better hopefully. I guess there's no other way around it.

 

I only want to go no contact until I feel like he has evolved and I have as well, but I want to talk about it to him so I don't hurt him when I cut contact since we're best friends and want to take off on good terms. The only time I'd just start no contact without warning is if I don't want him back at all.

 

Ok, I'm confused, who broke up with who?

[Simon Phoenix]

Interesting. My case: seems like he doesn't want to be with me, but can't stand the thought of me with someone else either. (Certainly not someone he knows and does not approve of.)

 

Yep, having his cake and eating it too. He has no right to let you go and tell you who you should date. Not his call. And yes, do not contact him over the holidays. It's not your job to "get him out of his shell" especially when you aren't dating. If he wants to stay in his shell, let him. You aren't his mother.

[Mcnulty]

"i think even if you don't get respect

its no reason not to give it"

 

I love that brown-eyez, you seem like a class act, keep up the good work you've started. I wish you nothing but brighter days.

[AnyaNova]

I'm sorry to say this. I don't want to mess up your ideal here, but I don't think what you had with him was ever truly real. If he has so little respect for you to treat you like a f-buddy with no true feelings or emotional intimacy now, I have difficulty believing that he was truly capable of it then.

 

You deserve someone who will want to give you the respect and emotional intimacy you deserve.

[melell]

I was under the impression that they haven't actually 'come back' until they are moving mountains to get back, and doing everything they possibly can to make things right?

[BC1980]

I was under the impression that they haven't actually 'come back' until they are moving mountains to get back, and doing everything they possibly can to make things right?

 

I agree. Many people come back out of curiosity or because they didn't find anyone else. In fact, most exes seems to get back in touch at some point.

[TryingToFigureItOut]

I think one of the hardest things people need to realize (I have said this before but I will elaborate) is that anything less than 1 year of NC will not help a second chance be successful.

 

My ex and I have been broken up for a little over 10 months now. We had NC for the majority of that time, up until 5 months into it when we ran into each other, our emotions resurfaced, we slept together once, and had a talk and realized we need more time apart to grow as individuals in order to set ourselves up for the future. He is now 1 month into a relationship with another girl but everyone thinks a part of his heart is still with me. I am currently dating another person too, it's fresh and I'm scared but I have to.

 

Why? Because we both need to move on FULLY in order to grow. You CAN'T go back to the old relationship and quite frankly I'm not sure why you would want to. I will always love my ex with every ounce of me and will always have that small hope in the back of my head that we will get back together one day, but I know that my chances will be much higher if I let him go through this relationship, let him fall and make his mistakes, let him grow, and then when the time is right PAST 1 year of our break up, we can start a NEW relationship together.

 

You have to take the time to get to know the person again, because they probably won't be the same person after so long. You will still have that same love towards them, but it will take time and patience to get to know them and trust them again.