How important is the family in United States?

[confusednow]

We are in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend, I am happy with him but there is something that is bothering me and it’s that my boyfriend’s family don’t like me. They just don’t like me at all. Yesterday my boyfriend went over their parents house and he was talking to them about me, his father interrupted him and told him that they really didn’t want to know how I was doing. His father told him that we shouldn’t be together and that our relationship is not going to work out therefore he is not going to make any effort to know me more or at least know how my life is going.

 

I know that his family knew about a big argument that we had some months ago, but is that a good reason to be so rude?. More than that I think that one of the reasons because of why they don’t like me is because I am not American.

 

I feel insulted, I feel rejected and I just don’t understand the attitude of his mother and father. His mother writes me an email every week and now I just feel that she has been hypocrite. They talk to me every time that we meet and they are kind of friendly with me, but behind my back they show what they really want.

For me family is important. I feel uncomfortable knowing that his family don’t like me and that my boyfriend can not even talk about me when he is around them. I was expecting a better reaction from my boyfriend too, but he just shut up and they continue talking about other topics.

 

I want to know if these kind of attitudes are normal in US (from your partner’s family), I also want to know what I can expect from them if we get married. hear about similar experiences can be helpful too. thank you for reading

[Thinkalot]

I can understand you feeling hurt and upset. I cant comment on families in the US as I am Australian, but I can say, that in general, families can be difficult when it comes to accepting their child's partner. I think that is a universal issue. Parents get protective, they get jealous, they get worried, they get set in their ways, they get dependent....all sorts of things, which means they often don't accept a child's partner as they should.

 

It is unfortunate they are acting that way. It is one thing to express concern etc. But they should then respect their son's feelings and wishes, and do their best to accept you into the family.

 

Meanwhile, your fiance, should stand up for you, and stand up to them. but that is easier said than done, because he will feel stuck in the middle, and not want to upset them no doubt.

 

You should speak to him about your feelings, and see if he willspeak to them further about this, express how important the relationship is, and encourage them to be more accepting.

 

Beyond that you /he can't change them.

 

Good luck, I hope things improve, so life becomes easier and you feel happier all round.

 

These things often do get better in time, when the parents realise you are going to be around for a long time, and that their son isn't going to be leaving you. So marriage could make things a bit better. Then again, they may always be a bit distant and judgemental. Time will tell.

[Barby]

How did you two meet? Is this an internet romance or....?

 

 

It is kind of hard to know how to advise without knowing the facts....I would say if his parents have a problem with this, maybe it's because they don't want their son being heart broken and getting his hopes up for a future with you, maybe they think you'll end up meeting someone there where-ever you're from that you'll leave their son for?

 

 

I dunno just a thought...

[sean001]

I don't think I quite get the topic "how important is family in the US" when the problem is a universal one.

 

Groups of people (especially parents) not liking other people. It's a big human problem.

 

But your situation sounds a little more complex and this is something you should really talk out with your fiance. If you're planning on coming to the USA to be with this man then you really need to consider if you're going to be happy being that close to his family and not having your own to support you (assuming you don't have any family here).

 

Either way, I think you need to have a long talk with him about his parents and find out what HE thinks you should do (and what HE should do) to rectify the situation. He should know them better than anyone.

[confusednow]

I am aware that there are problems between the boyfriend’s family and his girlfriend everywhere. I am not saying that there is a problem specifically of United States. However, I was wondering about the families in United States because I wanted to know if I was missing something.

 

We didn’t have a internet romance. We met each other when I was studying over there, I met his family, we even spent one week of vacation together. Now I am miles away from him and we are having a long distance relationship.

 

I know that I need to talk to my boyfriend about it, but he seems so hurt right now and I don’t want to make him feel worst. However, I can not take away this uncomfortable feeling that I have inside.

[midori]

I think that respondents are having some difficulty understanding what your question is. I'm not sure that I understand but here's what I think you mean:

 

I want to know if these kind of attitudes are normal in US (from your partner’s family), I also want to know what I can expect from them if we get married.

 

It sounds like you are asking: is it common in mainstream American culture for parents to attempt to influence their children's choice of partner, and is it common in mainstream American culture for parents to continue to influence/interfere in their children's relationships even after the children get married?

 

If that is in fact what you are asking, I would say that this is no more the case in the US than in other Western countries, and it is less common here than in cultures where arranged marriages are practiced and adult children are typically expected to be obedient to their parents' wishes. As others have responded: of course parents have opinions about their children's choices, and of course they will voice their opinions. Some more strongly than others. I don't think you can attribute this to American culture.

 

I wonder, though, if it even matters if the parents' behavior is aligned with cultural norms or not: your boyfriend's family is not treating you in a manner you find to be acceptable, and your boyfriend isn't doing enough to remedy the situation.

[Barby]

Now I understand...(about how you met, ect)

 

 

I can't answer your questions about "main stream" america and the parent's influence..my family advises me but would never stand in the way of me being with someone. They are always friendly, nice, and welcoming to anyone I date even if they don't like them.

 

 

As everyone said, all you can do is talk to your BF and explain that you feel bad, whatever you do, don't put him in a position where he will have to choose between his family and you...cuz you know who'll win there (obviously).

[7on]

Very few in-laws get along with their children's spouses. I mentioned my FWB to my mother and she flipped. As she flips around my brother's girlfriend. Parents see their kid in another light - to them they are the smartest, most beautiful people in the world. And from the moment they see what their son brought home the immediately criticize everything. Most of the time if a couple marries and they spend time with their in-laws it all works out. If it doesn't, the in-laws aren't generally nice people in that case.

 

Parents are just afraid of loosing their children. The thought of their children loving someone else more than themselves kills them.

 

To my mom the girls my brother and I meet are all sluts and to my dad all the guys my sister sees are bad business. That's just how things go for a while.

 

And personally for me, if I were in love with someone and she said "Choose your family or me" I'd have to pick her. Not because I hate my family, I just feel a spouse is more rewarding to live life with.