OW feeling like a BS? WT..?

[Quiet Storm]

Whenever I heard anything from my MM that sounded remotely different than what he was describing to me, I called him on it. One way or another he knew that he had hurt me and that I wasn't buying the story.

 

I don't think your MM is going to leave either OP, unless one of you pushes him out the door. I'm not saying that to be cruel, it's just my gut reacting to the tiny bit of information you shared. I don't know the whole truth or the dynamic between you, or the man you know him to be.

 

I would risk asking him what is to be gained by this. (I might regret it afterwards, but I would do it). Is MC supposed to help with a court settlement and show he "really tried"? How does it help his relationship with you? And why does he have to stay in the same place - is it money? Is it some misguided percception that it's better for the kids? I'm a child of a very bad marriage - believe me, my parents staying in contact for my sake was not good. I was asking my dad to leave and telling my mom to leave because I couldn't stand the situation. Kids know. This sounds like it would be an unhealthy situation for every single person involved.

 

She said they make a great parenting team and are still affectionate with each other. Hardly a horrible marriage that's bad for the kids.

[SolG]

I don't think traditional cohabitation is necessary in order to have a fulfilling and committed relationship. I travel a lot so frequent separation always has been, and always will be a part of any relationship I have. If MM's place is living under the same roof as his children then so be it; as a mother I completely understand his desire to do this. He and I can have a base close by where we can come and go as we please and plan our time together. I know it's not ideal in a lot of ppl's books, but I see it as eminently workable.

 

I am also completely okay with him continuing to support his W financially and as his co-parent. As a mother with a xH, I know just how important it is for co-parenting to continue to be supportive, inclusive, aligned and strong.

 

I am baffled by all the intimations that xHs and their xWs can't be affectionate. My marriage has been over for a long time, I ultimately initiated the ending of it, and I still love my xH very much - just not romantically. While I don't send him affectionate texts of the ilk that MM does his W--but they are still together which is different--we are in contact almost every day and continue to be a part of each other's support network. We still spend Christmas Day together with our daughter (who is a wonderful young woman). He is, and always will be family to me through the connection of our child. My family see it that way too. Ending a marriage doesn't end a relationship... it just changes into whatever new form the participants require and their actions dictate.

 

Also, divorcing his W is not something I require from my MM. Heck, I'm not divorced! Given I don't intend to ever remarry, it's not something I really care about either way. However, if my xH (I guess in legal terms he is technically still my current H) pursues divorce I'll just let it go through. I can only see that happening if he meets someone he'd like to marry. And I absolutely do hope he finds someone that special one day - he deserves it.

 

Where I am, most psychologists/therapists include 'exit' counselling in their marriage counselling repertoires - to help folk through the ending of their relationships as positively as possible. My xH and I considered it, but didn't need it in the end. I don't see MC in the face of an ending relationship as a waste of time or money at all - I see it as an investment in trying to get through something very painful that most ppl do terribly as well as you can. I'm not saying that exit counselling is where my MM and his W will start; it is where he is saying he would like the process to go.

 

I do hear you all. Yep, I know I'm in red flag land and odds are this will end badly and in tears. Another thing I know is that 2014 is going to be different; as many Loveshackers have urged, I'm going to live MY life much more this year. Less moping, more family time, more making new friends and good art :-)

 

But I do love him immensely. Enough to put up with the pain for this one last year in the face of the overwhelming precedence and evidence that it will be for naught. I think we're worth hope and one last chance.

 

This time next year I'll either be excitedly about to go on a holiday with my MM who will then be publically known as my BF... or, I'll be about to go eat, pray, love on my own to cleanse myself of the MM once and for all. I guess we'll see.

 

What can I say? In the immortal words of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, 'Love makes you do the whacky!'

[Popsicle]

The only real measuring tool you have is him leaving.

[Mascara]

I'm always amazed when these MM make plans that assume the full cooperation of the BS in going along with his absurd schemes. In this case, the idea that she will agree to co-habitation separation.

 

I think you'll find that it's far more likely she will angrily tell him to GTFO, hire a lawyer and get the money/house/child arrangements that she's entitled to.

 

At which point, he'll probably ask you to wait until they're in college.

[thecharade]

Oh, SolG, this triggers me hard, back to the pain of 2 years ago. It's difficult to read about what you are . . . supporting? I don't want to be negative because I do understand, but my understanding comes from relating to your pain, your mistake. You are not bad, he is not bad. But you deserve so much more. He has two women while you only have half a man. I hope you will ask yourself the only question that matters: why are you putting yourself through this?

 

Good luck, hon. Space would not have to be the kiss of death, you know? You deserve to put all of your energy back on you.