Is Jerry Springer coming to Canada anytime soon?

[Three of Swords]

History: I was married for 27 years to a husband who was never around. He was and still is always working out of town. Even when he was around he spent very little time with us - his personal interests always seemed to come first. We have two children.

 

The marriage had been unravelling for the last ten years, and the "thread" snapped this year.

 

In January, my son (who is a young adult) had a friend (who is a couple of years older than my son) move in with us. At first I was reluctant to have this addition to the household, but found over time that I was liking having someone to talk to. Well - long story short - I fell in love with the house guest. A feeling which I hid from everyone.

 

I decided that even if nothing came of my new found feelings, my marriage was over. Long talks about the end of our marriage ensued between my husband and I with my divulging nothing about the new love interest. In spring, my son and the houseguest moved out into their own place and in summer I moved out with my daughter into our own apartment.

 

Hope and my secret love carried me through the summer. I continued to see the room-mate whenever I visited my son. All of us would even occasionally do things together, such as see a movie, go out to eat, etc.

 

In early winter - just over a month ago now, I decided to let the roomie know what I was feeling. Well - to no real surprise even to me - I was rejected. Maybe the age difference has something to do with it??!! - though he never mentioned it. He just said he never felt the same way. I asked to remain friends, and he agreed.

 

However, here is my dilema. I cannot stop thinking about him. I cry, I wail, I mope. This obsession is wrecking my life. I feel old, unattractive and oh so lonely. (My pride is keeping me from going back to hubby - something I only want to do because of the loneliness.)

 

A friend of mine says everything happens for a reason. Can someone tell me what reason there would be to fall in love with someone so totally unavailable to me on so many levels? Is this 'punishment' something I have to bear cause I left my husband (retributive justice)?

 

BTW - Christmas was torture as he was part of the family gathering.

[Zoot]

I think the 'young adult male' handled the situation well and was honest about his feelings. I have no idea why this would drive you back into the arms of your husband - who showed you NO attention in the first place.

 

It's not about judgement or punishment....it's about accepting you had a situation which was wonderful while it lasted...but now it's time for both parties, including you, to move on.

 

Give him your blessing....and try to get through it. It's a tough situation.

[indigo_moon]

Hello from the city of the Flames! :-)

 

It's understandable, how your feeling developed for this guy.......you were in a lonely, vulnerable place.........a place you'd been for many years, and along comes this guy who makes you feel excited, young, hopeful, alive. I'm sorry it didn't work out but that surely doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you! He likely feels it would be too weird/awkward, as you're the mother of his friend/roommate.

 

You mentioned not wanting to go back to your husband, because of the loneliness........weren't you lonely when you were WITH him? Do you really need a man to make you not feel lonely? Maybe you need to get busy with new interests, hobbies, volunteer (like a homeless shelter or soup kitchen etc), do things to make yourself feel like the special person you are: get a new hair-do, get your make up done professionally, go buy yourself a new outfit that you don't really "need" but that makes you feel Good.......You will find someone who's meant for you, when you're READY to meet someone............maybe consider some counselling...to help you deal with the years of hurt and neglect that you endured due to your husband............hurts you might not even be aware of, maybe even low self esteem, too.

[moimeme]

You have to treat this crush like the addiction it is. For whatever reason, you enjoy fantasizing about this lad. Crushes and fantasies are fun but they wear out after a while. You have to occupy your mind otherwise. Get a new hobby. Go do some volunteer work. Go places where you can meet people your own age. And whenever you are tempted to think about the boy wonder, stop yourself and go do something else. Eventually, you'll cure this and wonder what ever you were thinking.

 

Hope you're enjoying the weather in the far north of Kleinland

[Three of Swords]

Originally posted by moimeme

You have to treat this crush like the addiction it is. For whatever reason, you enjoy fantasizing about this lad. Crushes and fantasies are fun but they wear out after a while. You have to occupy your mind otherwise. Get a new hobby. Go do some volunteer work. Go places where you can meet people your own age. And whenever you are tempted to think about the boy wonder, stop yourself and go do something else. Eventually, you'll cure this and wonder what ever you were thinking.

 

Hope you're enjoying the weather in the far north of Kleinland

 

I wish it were that easy!

 

Occupy my mind otherwise! Well cause of the separation I am financially dire - so now work two jobs. This does occupy my mind otherwise to some degree. But not enough that I don't constantly think of this "crush" (I myself think it's love rather than a crush. But it is my heart that is getting crushed in this ordeal.

 

Not much time for a new hobby - nor the extra money they sometimes cost.

 

Volunteer work - also lack of time. I have squeezed in work related contributions to fund raising for worthy causes and feeding Christmas dinner to homeless, cause I feel there are always those less fortunate. Yes it does make me feel somewhat better.

 

Go places to meet people my own age - where?

 

As I have only lived in this city for a year, I have asked friends, co-workers, etc. What do single people my age do? I have tried (two) coffee dates from an internet website and tried a Speed Dating Night - and for some reason or other was totally unsuccessful at obtaining a second date, thus further adding to my feelings of inadequacy. That was not very good for that fragile ego of mine.

 

Tried going to a few pubs/venues - what do you get there but more people that are not my own age.

 

Tried self-help books, taking long walks, exercising, getting together with female friends, and am seriously considering counselling. I am trying to get on with my life.

 

I guess I want a more instant "cure".

 

BTW - The weather is too cold for me thanks!

[Three of Swords]

Originally posted by indigo_moon

Hello from the city of the Flames! :-)

 

It's understandable, how your feeling developed for this guy.......you were in a lonely, vulnerable place.........a place you'd been for many years, and along comes this guy who makes you feel excited, young, hopeful, alive. I'm sorry it didn't work out but that surely doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you! He likely feels it would be too weird/awkward, as you're the mother of his friend/roommate.

 

You mentioned not wanting to go back to your husband, because of the loneliness........weren't you lonely when you were WITH him? Do you really need a man to make you not feel lonely? Maybe you need to get busy with new interests, hobbies, volunteer (like a homeless shelter or soup kitchen etc), do things to make yourself feel like the special person you are: get a new hair-do, get your make up done professionally, go buy yourself a new outfit that you don't really "need" but that makes you feel Good.......You will find someone who's meant for you, when you're READY to meet someone............maybe consider some counselling...to help you deal with the years of hurt and neglect that you endured due to your husband............hurts you might not even be aware of, maybe even low self esteem, too.

 

Yeah - Wierd/awkward - that reasoning occured to my semi intelligent mind, but the heart would not process it.

 

Going back to hubby - I KNOW I was totally lonely while married.

 

What I miss from a man - hugs, intimacy, sex.

 

Volunteer/hobby - see previous reply.

 

Changing look - lost 25 pounds since separation so yeah have new clothes, have cut and dyed the hair, have two new piercings and a tattoo - so far they aren't doing the trick.

 

Finding someone new - I am not holding my breath right now. (Maybe my attitude is too negative??)

 

Counselling - might work - but costs money and I would have to take time off work to go.

 

So here I am. Trying this venue - forums. And it is helping that there are other people out there working through their own issues on here. Coupled friends just can't offer the same help.

 

Thanks to all who replied.

[Mr Spock]

Do you have FRIEND friends? Make those, and boy friends will follow.

[_Saffy_]

being in a dead marriage all that time, may not have been ideal but it was familiar right?

 

the young man came along, and although nothing came of it, he gave you the strength to move on and start afresh.

 

so now you are a new person, and it sounds like you are having a bit of trouble finding out who that person is.

 

 

do as the others said, take some classes, make new friends, when you are lonely nothing beats a candle lit bath with lots of bubbles and a good book/movie, accompanied by a glass of chardonnay (works for me)

 

take some time out from guys, and find you, have fun, make up for lost time.......the rest will slot into place sooner or later, and thats a promise

[moimeme]

Go places to meet people my own age - where?

 

I'm pretty sure E-ton has a Newcomer's Club. Take a class - the Y has cheap interest classes. If you like dancing, joing the ballroom club in town. You will meet a heap of people of both genders. Check the local free weeklies around town for courses and clubs - you'd be astonished how many there are and you usually need to devote only one night a week, if that.

[KaiaMahina]

Three of Swords...bear with me, because sometimes I wax metaphysical.

 

The young man you fell in love with was a catalyst. He came into your life to change it. You had spent 27 years with a man who paid no mind to you...and the last 10 years were the beginning of the end. But how much longer would you have lingered if this thunderbolt hadn't struck (remember in The Godfather, how Michael is "struck by the thunderbolt" in Sicily?!)?

 

Some cultures believe that souls make agreements with one another to help each other in earth life. To enter into the scene to make some crucial difference. Turn up when you're trapped under a flaming wrecked car. Happen along when you hanging with one hand off a bridge. Light the fire under you when you're giving up and settling for less than you're capable of manifesting for yourself.

 

Maybe that's the case with this guy...he's not here to be the great love of your life. He's here to (excuse my French and no offense meant), get you off your dead ass. And I'll tell you why I believe this...I was married for 11 years, and someone totally unavailable wandered into my life, and although there was no hope, he reminded me of what I needed, wanted, and longed for. I got divorced and since have been much happier despite the fact that I'm getting over being dumped by my fiance. My second fiance in 6 years.

 

You may come to realize that you don't really want THAT young man, necessarily. You want what he represents, you want those characteristics in a man which you can find in others. You want life. He liberated you, and although the going is tough for you (it is for me, I'm not exactly swimming in $$$ myself), the day will come when you will laugh at the very idea of returning to your ex-husband. You'll be too involved in new adventures and meeting new people and the only regret you'll have is that you didn't do it sooner.

 

Life is no bed of roses for me, but I've had the kind of sex, and hugs, and kisses, and intimacy, and fun that I knew existed because of that unavailable man! I've also had heartbreak and loneliness and sadness, but I wouldn't trade any of it for remaining in a "safe, stable" marriage where I was unhappy and totally unfulfilled, not just romantically, but in every other way.

 

You aren't being punished by being "rejected" by this young man. There is no retribution. He's simply served his purpose in your life. Thank the universe for it, and thank him for it, and thank YOURSELF for making the move out of a dead-end, no-win situation, and check out the world. You'll like what you find.

 

[chica]

KaiaMahina: Very wise words.

I have had similar incidences with a catalyst and did go on to have a relationship with one of them - it didn't last. His purpose was to help me liberate myself and move forward, not be my new focus.

 

Three of Swords: (I love the imagery of that card!)

I know you're doing it rough right now and it sounds like you have a lot of stuff you need to express. It's great that you can voice it on LS , but I have another suggestion too. When I have been in situations similar to your own, I have found that writing really helped me nut it out. You can write as though its FOR him and get all your feelings out on to the paper in front of you to try and help you clarify what you feel means.

 

Trust the course that you are on, this is ALL for a reason and you will understand that and laugh in retrospect.

 

good luck

[Three of Swords]

A catalyst huh? Makes very good sense - doesn't make things any easier, but does make sense.

 

I have vacillated between wishing the catalyst had never entered my life and being thankful he did. I ask the universe what purpose is being served by him still being in my life and by my constant ache for something more with him. No answer from the universe though.

 

So I guess now I need something to shake me off my dead ass ( ) unrequited love huh?

 

I had never heard of a new-comer's club - and so googled it and lo and behold there is one in E-town. Phoned it. It's for women only and they have an apparently very active singles group as well. Someone is supposed to email me an application soon and it doesn't cost very much. So hey - made a step towards moving on.

 

Thanks for all the encouragement peoples. That too helps!