I told him I need some space

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

I told my boyfriend I needed a break.

 

I'm so heartbroken. But it's hard being in a relationship that never gives and only takes. He can barely discuss our future together (marriage, kids), I mean he sometimes will and talks about it a little, but it's like "**** or get off the pot" and put a plan in place for our future together.

 

I've never been surprised by him. I mean, it has been 3 years and the man has yet to take me on a trip or at least split the cost and plan one with me. Yet, he buys guns, camping gear and a new home. And I have taken him on trips just to hear that it was an inconvenience because he has things he could be doing on his days off.

 

I am never put first. I surprise him, I try to keep the romance going and he never wants to do anything unless I plan the whole thing and take off work on my end because we have opposite schedules. And he is content in that sort of relationship. I mean, he loves me and never treats me poorly by doing anything specific, it is just about what HE DOESN'T DO that is hurtful.

 

I am beginning to resent things, I have spoken with him a million times about what I need over the last 3 years and he just says he will work on it. And what do you know, same old ****, different day. He isn't romantic at ALL. No flowers, no love notes, no romantic dinners. I just feel totally under appreciated and have realized maybe he is happy with mediocrity and the bare minimum. I am not. And I certainly don't ask for much to be happy.

 

He is my best friend. I love him. And I can't imagine a future with anyone else. But I also can't imagine a future with someone who can't put my needs on his priority list. I don't want to be with a man who only wants to change because I'm threatening to leave. I want a man who steps up because he cares about me even when he's sure I'm not going anywhere anyhow.

 

I am lost and I need guidance. 3 years is a long time for me. When someone doesn't make you happy yet you love them with all your heart, how do you walk away?

[Philosoraptor]

He sounds selfish and you have enabled this behavior by continuing to pamper him and receving nothing in return. This "break" is long overdo and if you learn to love yourself more you will see this is a break that needn't end, ever. He's shown you for 3 years what you are getting and how much he is willing to take care of you by all of the vast effort he has put in when you've discussed it with him.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Thanks, Philosoraptor.

 

The pain is a tumultuous ache though. I must find the strength to carry on. Or remain in a relationship that I will forever doubt and harbor a heavy feeling wondering if there could've been something better...

 

You'd think it'd be easy to walk away from a situation that only makes you unhappy, but those memories hold tight pleading you to hang on.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Uh. I'm so hurt, can anyone offer any suitable advice?

[Mariposa10]

First, let me congratulate you for doing something about your situation.

 

I wouldn't have any problem if it was just about not getting flowers or any of that romantic stuff. Since I don't really care about it. But sounds like he doesn't really care about the relationship, has he always been like this or has he just gotten complacent? Sounds like you're the one doing all the hard work and that's just not fair.

 

When you asked for this break what did he say? Do you know if he was like this with his ex-girlfriends?

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

First, let me congratulate you for doing something about your situation.

 

I wouldn't have any problem if it was just about not getting flowers or any of that romantic stuff. Since I don't really care about it. But sounds like he doesn't really care about the relationship, has he always been like this or has he just gotten complacent? Sounds like you're the one doing all the hard work and that's just not fair.

 

When you asked for this break what did he say? Do you know if he was like this with his ex-girlfriends?

 

Thank you.

 

He has always been like this. From the beginning. And I'm not sure about his past girlfriends, as they were in HS and that was years ago.

 

I feel an estranged emptiness loving him so intensely that it can't be returned in the same willingness/effort for me. Why was it that I was the only company of this dire love? I can't grasp the idea of this obsession I have over him, that has consumed me enough to take over my thoughts and day, but easily slipped right through his hands. Almost as if on purpose. Like a careless flick.

[Mariposa10]

Thank you.

 

He has always been like this. From the beginning. And I'm not sure about his past girlfriends, as they were in HS and that was years ago.

 

I feel an estranged emptiness loving him so intensely that it can't be returned in the same willingness/effort for me. Why was it that I was the only company of this dire love? I can't grasp the idea of this obsession I have over him, that has consumed me enough to take over my thoughts and day, but easily slipped right through his hands. Almost as if on purpose. Like a careless flick.

 

 

What did he say when you asked for this break?

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

What did he say when you asked for this break?

 

Well I kind of ruined that because I texted him and said: "all i want from you is to feel the same about me babe. im scared you don't. im scared we dont see eye to eye. when i'm upset, hug me. when i'm mad, kiss me. im scared you will leave when things get hard. i'm scared i'm just not good enough for you."

 

He said: "I try"

 

I said: "You are the most important person to me and i would love for us to work. i wont be the one to ever leave you. love is hard and I'm willing to go through it with you, i just need to know u arent going anywhere and will work on this with me, what do you think? r u up for that? i'll shut up after this bc i know ur busy today"

 

So far, he hasn't said anything else. And that was several minutes ago.

[Kizmet Fisher]

Well I kind of ruined that because I texted him and said: "all i want from you is to feel the same about me babe. im scared you don't. im scared we dont see eye to eye. when i'm upset, hug me. when i'm mad, kiss me. im scared you will leave when things get hard. i'm scared i'm just not good enough for you."

 

He said: "I try"

 

I said: "You are the most important person to me and i would love for us to work. i wont be the one to ever leave you. love is hard and I'm willing to go through it with you, i just need to know u arent going anywhere and will work on this with me, what do you think? r u up for that? i'll shut up after this bc i know ur busy today"

 

So far, he hasn't said anything else. And that was several minutes ago.

 

I wouldn't recommend saying this or words to this effect. Ever. You should never lead your person to believe you think they are better than you because sooner or later, they will come to share this belief and go looking for someone better.

 

Also, you asked for a break but then sent him needy messages saying you won't ever be the one to leave him? I know that you're doing that because you want him to actually try and change and are hoping a break will scare him into being what you want, but it seems like he's called your bluff.

[Zahara]

You said you've spoken to him about a million times over the past three years in terms of what you need and it hasn't changed. What do you think would make him want to change after all that? I'm reading his response (I try) as 1) he has a hard time articulating his feelings and is passive 2) he couldn't give you an appropriate response because he isn't as invested as you are or 3) he's upset you called for a break.

 

If you asked for a break to scare him into giving you what you need, then be prepared if it backfires. When you ask for a break, stick to it. Don't go rattling off with the emotional texts because it smells like you were using it as a manipulation tool to get him to react.

Edited November 19, 2013 by Zahara

[Ruby Slippers]

He's had plenty of time to show you who he is. Can you live with that or not? Sounds like NO. Why suffer in a relationship without romance and sweetness if you don't have to?

 

I left my boyfriend for similar reasons, and though it's sad, I know I made the right decision and I'll find a better match in the future. So will you.

 

Let yourself grieve as much as you need to, then let this relationship go. It's the only way you're going to be able to get on with your life and find a man who loves you the way you want and need to be loved.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Aw, you all are so sweet for replying. Thank you for the advice. <3

 

I know what I need to do, and it's obvious he isn't invested like me. I am needy because I don't feel needed by him. I am insecure, because he doesn't make me feel secure.

 

It just hurts dang it! I want him to want me like I want him. :-(

 

I shouldn't have texted him, but I did because I thought maybe our relationship was worth fighting for...

 

Ruby Slippers, how did you cope?

[Grumpybutfun]

Well I kind of ruined that because I texted him and said: "all i want from you is to feel the same about me babe. im scared you don't. im scared we dont see eye to eye. when i'm upset, hug me. when i'm mad, kiss me. im scared you will leave when things get hard. i'm scared i'm just not good enough for you."

 

He said: "I try"

 

I said: "You are the most important person to me and i would love for us to work. i wont be the one to ever leave you. love is hard and I'm willing to go through it with you, i just need to know u arent going anywhere and will work on this with me, what do you think? r u up for that? i'll shut up after this bc i know ur busy today"

 

So far, he hasn't said anything else. And that was several minutes ago.

 

You just dug yourself into a hole you can't get out of. How this reads, "You can treat me any way you want. I will moan and nag about it but never leave you so continue doing whatever you want because I am insecure and don't think I deserve better. Nothing I say is really the truth because I am needy and will always cave so do whatever you want because I am not worthy of being treated well. Love is an emotion I equate with you because I don't know that real love is an action where you and I meet each others needs. Since I don't know this I think love is a fairytale so I will always think I feel it because I am immature and desperate."

 

He thinks you are flaky and so do I.

 

SMH,

Grumps

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

You just dug yourself into a hole you can't get out of. How this reads, "You can treat me any way you want. I will moan and nag about it but never leave you so continue doing whatever you want because I am insecure and don't think I deserve better. Nothing I say is really the truth because I am needy and will always cave so do whatever you want because I am not worthy of being treated well. Love is an emotion I equate with you because I don't know that real love is an action where you and I meet each others needs. Since I don't know this I think love is a fairytale so I will always think I feel it because I am immature and desperate."

 

He thinks you are flaky and so do I.

 

SMH,

Grumps

 

Sigh...you are right.

 

:-(

[Ruby Slippers]

Ruby Slippers, how did you cope?

I reflected on the fact that I gave it my all, but something was still missing. I don't think I could have done anything more to make it work. I gave it my all, and that's good enough. Given that it still didn't work, I realize we are simply not compatible for a lifelong love - but that I will be much more compatible with someone else, and I owe it to myself and my future love to find him

 

I expressed to him and others the fact that I feel blessed for having met him, for the time we spent together, for the lessons we learned, and that's the truth. Though he wasn't the one, he has many good qualities and had a positive influence on me. The problems we had challenged me to stand up for myself and overcome things that were holding me back. I really am thankful for that. I'm stronger now than I was just before I met him, and he played some part in that.

 

I've talked to my close friends about everything, and they have been very caring and supportive. He didn't seem all that appreciative of me and grateful to have me in his life, but my closest friends are, and I return their friendship with lots of love and good stuff.

 

I feel stronger and more sure of myself than I have in a long time. I'm pretty sure I'll attract a great guy who adores me and loves showing it. I'm sure you will, too. But it REALLY is true that you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you. A woman who truly loves and respects herself will not tolerate any disrespect from a man, no matter how she feels about him.

 

Someday you'll look back on this relationship and laugh about the fact that you ever gave such a lame-o the time of day.

[Crila16]

You should never have to beg for anything in a relationship. That man should be getting down on his knees and begging you to spend your life with him.

 

Pushing him to do it, or talking about it all the time, walking around depressed or upset will only push him to never do it. It has to be his idea...or he'll resent you in the long run.

 

How do you make it his idea? Best thing. Walk away. Be strong. I made two of my friends do it. One of them went so far as to move out. I had to walked her through the steps everyday. She doubted me and wanted to run back to him and call. She was so weak...she missed him so much and I had to hold her back until one day...he showed up with a pizza box. In the middle of it was an engagement ring. BTW...yes...both of my friends have been very happily married for years now.

 

The best thing you did was take a break. Don't call him and let him see what life is like without you...and that you'll be fine and you're done waiting. Be unavailable, like you're life is actually pretty good on the single side. You have to stay strong.

[bear602]

ill chime in here because he sounds like how i use to be and still am (not as much) ...Let me tell you its hard to change as a guy when your like that.i dont necessarily think my ex gf let me be like as much as i simply chose to act like that.ill admit i am a selfish guy.i really havent figured out how not to be.its hard.i have changed from learning from my prev relationship but i still have those times when im the same as my prev relationship.he wont change as much as you want him to.i can almost guarantee he wont realize what he had until your gone.but theres no way to make him do what you want.it will only make him want to do it less.unfortunately thats how us selfish guys work.i really hope the best for you...but id suggest you move on if you want family/kids.he will be the same until something drastic changes that for him.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Thanks for the replies! I have been so depressed today it's not even funny.

 

He finally called me and said he had been busy all day. He is going to a Pearl Jam concert tonight with his friends and he hasn't had time to think about what I said yet. He said he would talk to me tomorrow and we got off the phone. I was so anxious and felt like I deserved an answer as I wasn't asking for in depth one, just a quick yes or no. When we got off the phone I told him, I need an answer so I can rest easy tonight and leave you alone. So he said that yes he wants us to work out and that he still wants me to move in with him.

 

I also spoke to a clairvoyant that a good friend has referred to me. It was a free read so I thought why the hell not.

 

This is what the clairvoyant said:

 

1) How does _____ feel for me?

 

____ has some baseline feelings of deeper attachment toward you which is beyond that of simply friendship or even simply romantic interest and more so grounded in more fundamental feelings of communion, intimacy and love. I would not call what I'm seeing love per se, but an offshoot of this. I mean that he does in fact feel loving feelings for you but very often pushes these more intense feelings down, causing him to feel caring intentions toward you while allowing him to have a bit more control over his feelings. His energy was a bit pulled back from you which shows that he has some deeper fears of rejection which may be the cause of some of the need to control how he feels for you so much. He finds you to be very charming, engaging, and he feels like there is almost this back and forth you both do when you are talking that feels very organic to him which puts him at ease.

 

He fears that your interest and your need for movement in this relationship may be more intense than his so he seems somewhat aware that you are interest in progression her. It was interesting because you both seemed to be on the same page mostly while his energy was slightly off and so he would likely be more organic in how he allows things to proceed. The overall lines of energy which connect you though are generally strong but the inconsistency in his energy was around the idea of defining things with you both so be mindful of this. Overall, I would say that ____ cares a lot about you but is not quite as adamant about being as emotionally intimate as you'd like due to some differences in how you both are processing this relationship, but the base line connections were strong. And his feelings toward you overall were generally very positive in intention.

 

 

2) Will we get married and/or have children?

 

This is outside my field of expertise as I'm a retrocognitive clairvoyant and not a precognitive which are the intuitive readers who claim to see visions of the future. So, I will reword it closer to how I can answer it. What is the probable likelihood of progression in a way I'd like, as in married and children? From how the current lines of energy around you both looked, I would say that there will be some time before any of these significant milestones hit you both but it's actually more probable than not that things will move toward this direction from how things are currently looking. His energy was consistent with someone who would want these things in time, so this is why things look good. Also, despite his fears of being too close, he still have overall positive feelings toward you and seemed to focus on future times with you. This is consistent with a person who would become open to marriage and children. I can not tell you more or be more specific as this is as close to predictions I can get, but it does show that this connection is capable of growth toward those ends; and that the connection you both have is consistent with one which has a probable chance of moving into this direction. Below I have attached some tips on how to maintain a healthy and consistent relationship. I hope you find them helpful. Blessings to you and thank you for coming to me for a free email readings. If you are interested in having a full reading, please check out my site at mondezdurden.com. ((HUGS))

[It's Just Me]

He sounds selfish and you have enabled this behavior by continuing to pamper him and receving nothing in return. This "break" is long overdo and if you learn to love yourself more you will see this is a break that needn't end, ever. He's shown you for 3 years what you are getting and how much he is willing to take care of you by all of the vast effort he has put in when you've discussed it with him.

 

Yup.

 

Start putting yourself first. Funnily enough, some men will respect you all the more when you put the brakes on fawning over them.

 

Better yet, read "Why Men Love Bitches." It's not about being a bitch, really. It's about honouring yourself and being your own person, with your own wants, desires, and activities. HAVE YOUR OWN LIFE!

 

Tired from a hard day at work, and he wants to come over for dinner? "Sure! What's for dinner? 'Cause I ain't making it, and I'll probably be falling asleep early." He wants to go out with his friends and see a show? "Sounds good! I'll be having a girl's night out with the ladies and will be sleeping at my friend's house. Don't call me until the afternoon."

 

These are just examples of situations where we ladies normally salute the anthem of "Stand by Your Man" and bend over backwards for them, when we really shouldn't. I know I wouldn't respect a new friend who existed solely to worship my very existence and bend to my wants and needs. I'd be creeped out, actually.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Yup.

 

Start putting yourself first. Funnily enough, some men will respect you all the more when you put the brakes on fawning over them.

 

Better yet, read "Why Men Love Bitches." It's not about being a bitch, really. It's about honouring yourself and being your own person, with your own wants, desires, and activities. HAVE YOUR OWN LIFE!

 

Tired from a hard day at work, and he wants to come over for dinner? "Sure! What's for dinner? 'Cause I ain't making it, and I'll probably be falling asleep early." He wants to go out with his friends and see a show? "Sounds good! I'll be having a girl's night out with the ladies and will be sleeping at my friend's house. Don't call me until the afternoon."

 

These are just examples of situations where we ladies normally salute the anthem of "Stand by Your Man" and bend over backwards for them, when we really shouldn't. I know I wouldn't respect a new friend who existed solely to worship my very existence and bend to my wants and needs. I'd be creeped out, actually.

 

Aw thank you for this! I actually have the book but haven't read it yet. I will get on it!! I think those are some really good examples and I should be more like that. Independence is a good thing. <3 Thx!

[It's Just Me]

Aw thank you for this! I actually have the book but haven't read it yet. I will get on it!! I think those are some really good examples and I should be more like that. Independence is a good thing. <3 Thx!

 

Go, girl. Not sure what generation you are from, but in mine... women are expected to set tables, make sure the bathrooms and sheets are clean, feed everyone and ensure everyone's happy and satisfied. That's lovely, but... only women appreciate that when it's done for them. Kids? Nope. Men? Nope.

 

I remember one time when my current boyfriend was coming over for the evening. I had a momentary thought of panic when I realized that my bedsheets and towels wouldn't be super-clean and fresh. He didn't demand that; it was a pressure that I had always put on myself. The new me stepped in, and calmed the old me down. I turned it into an experiment; would the boyfriend even notice?

 

Turns out, he did not. So, I stopped worrying about it. If he happens by when my sheets are freshly-washed, that's nice. If they aren't, nobody cares. And yes, I know this isn't just about sheets and towels, but they are the perfect metaphor. I learned to stop treating him like a guest.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Well as his girlfriend, I do his laundry for him, dishes, help keep the house clean and tidy and I don't really cook. But I do it not because I'm expected, but because I just like doing it.

 

I do have one question. I am moving in with him next week, but I told him today how I wanted to just have the rest of the week apart. I'm not sure why I feel that way, but I just feel like I need alone time and space. I feel like I've been clingy and needy and I don't want to push him away. So I wouldn't see him till Sunday. Perhaps maybe this time apart will give him time to think a chance to miss me since we see so much of each other. I don't know how he feels about that yet or if he agrees, so I'll see what he says tomorrow. But is that okay to ask for space like that once in awhile?

 

I know once I move in I won't have that option, but I will have my own separate room to go to.

 

I just feel like I need to think and figure out how to handle being so needy and dependent of a person. It's not something I like to be, maybe space will allow me to see that it isn't so bad to be by yourself...

[swimswithjeans]

I want to say that you are brave... I think that you took a step forward and a lot of what you said reminds me of myself and my last relationship. The love was SO there, the connection was incredible, he really was my very best friend, but he didn't fight for me or us. I did all the fighting and it was exhausting - truly. I think I have an inkling of how you feel.

 

I think I may have to differ with some other opinions and say that I am not sure it's you that enables his behavior... Maybe the only thing you did was stick around for a long time, maybe longer than you should have, but I believe, when it comes to grown men, their behavior has been enabled by someone who isn't you. They grew up without boundaries in the area that they struggle in. I really am under the belief that, with men like this, they wouldn't act differently - necessarily - with someone else. The difference is that someone else may leave sooner.

 

CottonSocks, three years is a long time... It's an especially long time to compromise what you really want. And I am afraid that (if you haven't already), you may lose yourself by not having both your needs and desires fulfill.

 

Both you and I, we give. And without someone to take care of, we're a little lost. Especially after a love like the one you had. I am convinced you can find someone (or someone can find you) that thinks of you a little bit more. You never asked to be a top priority; just on the list. I understand that feeling completely.

 

Cliche as it is, you'll regret what you didn't do over what you did... I think maybe you owe yourself a chance to move forward.

 

To answer your last question, yes... It's okay to ask for space. Even if that space, in the context of this relationship, is indefinite.

[Jord11]

I'm sorta in you're position but switched around I did everything to make my ex feel good, surprised her with flowers took her car for a wash, gassed it up, brought her out for surprise suppers did everything that a man should to do because you love them right, well I guess she didn't appreciate it, she said we needed a break, I spent christmas with her it was good, a week after my birthday she said she didn't love me anymore and broke up with me some people don't appreciate what you do for them and sometimes it's not enough, which pisses me off, he should be so thankful for what you do, because I wish I had that when I was with my ex, take that break make him appreciate what he might lose

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

I'm sorta in you're position but switched around I did everything to make my ex feel good, surprised her with flowers took her car for a wash, gassed it up, brought her out for surprise suppers did everything that a man should to do because you love them right, well I guess she didn't appreciate it, she said we needed a break, I spent christmas with her it was good, a week after my birthday she said she didn't love me anymore and broke up with me some people don't appreciate what you do for them and sometimes it's not enough, which pisses me off, he should be so thankful for what you do, because I wish I had that when I was with my ex, take that break make him appreciate what he might lose

 

The ironic thing about this is that this is the reason my boyfriend says he doesn't act like this. He is afraid I'll get bored and leave him. He thinks that by doing sweet things for me, as mentioned above, I would take advantage of him and find a jerk who keeps me on my feet instead. Because "all women like jerks". They are more exciting, more spontaneous, and more desired....that line is bull.

 

I think in the end there should be a balance. I don't want an emotionally, needy, dependent guy. But hell, I want flowers every once in awhile, a snuggle in the crevice of my neck and a kiss on my cheek, but I also like a guy who slaps my butt and stands up for himself, even if that means I lose the argument.

 

Jord, whatever has happened around your relationship, don't take it personally... Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. It's because that is who your ex is...and who my boyfriend is.