I told him I need some space

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

I want to say that you are brave... I think that you took a step forward and a lot of what you said reminds me of myself and my last relationship. The love was SO there, the connection was incredible, he really was my very best friend, but he didn't fight for me or us. I did all the fighting and it was exhausting - truly. I think I have an inkling of how you feel.

 

I think I may have to differ with some other opinions and say that I am not sure it's you that enables his behavior... Maybe the only thing you did was stick around for a long time, maybe longer than you should have, but I believe, when it comes to grown men, their behavior has been enabled by someone who isn't you. They grew up without boundaries in the area that they struggle in. I really am under the belief that, with men like this, they wouldn't act differently - necessarily - with someone else. The difference is that someone else may leave sooner.

 

CottonSocks, three years is a long time... It's an especially long time to compromise what you really want. And I am afraid that (if you haven't already), you may lose yourself by not having both your needs and desires fulfill.

 

Both you and I, we give. And without someone to take care of, we're a little lost. Especially after a love like the one you had. I am convinced you can find someone (or someone can find you) that thinks of you a little bit more. You never asked to be a top priority; just on the list. I understand that feeling completely.

 

Cliche as it is, you'll regret what you didn't do over what you did... I think maybe you owe yourself a chance to move forward.

 

To answer your last question, yes... It's okay to ask for space. Even if that space, in the context of this relationship, is indefinite.

 

Thank you!! <3 I agree with everything you said. Especially this: when it comes to grown men, their behavior has been enabled by someone who isn't you. They grew up without boundaries in the area that they struggle in.

 

I always knew that. I haven't lost touch with it either. I know he has childhood issues that make him this way, he is aware of it also. It's just a matter of whether he wants to work on them or not.

 

I talked to him recently and he said he is scared of relationship talk, it makes him nervous as he never knows what to say, but he has gotten better at it. And he isn't good with commitment, as in "He is mine" more than "I am his". He see's it as control versus just loving him. He finds that with commitment, brings expectations, strings attached...but there are always expectations and strings, always. I think he is beginning to realize this. The whole relationship has been quite a push and pull. And I'm wearing thin. And I'm beginning to question how important am I to him?

 

I love him. I will fight for him, but I must draw the line at some point. He said he wants us to work out and he still wants me to move in. I agree. I would love for us to work out. I can't imagine myself with anyone else. But I NEED something from him. I am lacking something, and I just don't know what it is.

 

I'm afraid that in the end...his own fear has become mine.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

I have a question...because I don't want to play games. How do you take a break? Do you still answer calls/texts? Or do you ask not to be bothered? Do you pretend your busy if they call? I mean, what exactly does a break entail?

[Zahara]

I have a question...because I don't want to play games. How do you take a break? Do you still answer calls/texts? Or do you ask not to be bothered? Do you pretend your busy if they call? I mean, what exactly does a break entail?

 

When you ask for a break, you express why you need it. State the terms of the break between the two of you i.e. no contact for 2 weeks, no seeing other people, etc. What you would like for both of you to accomplish during this break. Set a time limit on this break and agree to resume contact at a certain date to discuss next steps.

 

Personally, a break may just be what ends it all. But in rare cases, it actually brings two people closer together.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Personally, a break may just be what ends it all. But in rare cases, it actually brings two people closer together.

 

Thanks!

 

Perhaps, a break isn't what I really want then? I don't want it to end, I want him to just feel what I feel. And just saying that I know I can't change a person or make them feel a certain way, so all my attempts to make things work become futile.

 

In the end, what is the point? I'm becoming discouraged as I'm beginning to wonder where the mess had even began?

[Zahara]

Thanks!

 

Perhaps, a break isn't what I really want then? I don't want it to end, I want him to just feel what I feel. And just saying that I know I can't change a person or make them feel a certain way, so all my attempts to make things work become futile.

 

In the end, what is the point? I'm becoming discouraged as I'm beginning to wonder where the mess had even began?

 

Cotton, you can't make someone feel what you feel. How can he feel the way you feel when you both aren't compatible in terms of what you both perceive your relationship should look and feel like, especially when you both are going in different directions emotionally.

 

In essence, you want him to miss you and then have this lightbulb moment where he realizes he has to do a 180 to save the relationship?

 

I know you said you've expressed your needs a million times. Maybe express them again, ask him for space so that you both can take a breather and evaluate what you want to change about the relationship, compromises that need to take place, what you need from each other and how to move forward. He has commitment issues and is emotionally stunted. Talk to him about how he thinks he can change his thought perception, i.e. therapy, being more communicative, self-help books, etc.? What is his plan? You can't just say, "I'm the way I am so deal with it." Three years is a long time to keep existing on excuses. You either do something about it or stay away from relationships if you haven't a clue as to how to be in one.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Cotton, you can't make someone feel what you feel. How can he feel the way you feel when you both aren't compatible in terms of what you both perceive your relationship should look and feel like, especially when you both are going in different directions emotionally.

 

In essence, you want him to miss you and then have this lightbulb moment where he realizes he has to do a 180 to save the relationship?

 

I know you said you've expressed your needs a million times. Maybe express them again, ask him for space so that you both can take a breather and evaluate what you want to change about the relationship, compromises that need to take place, what you need from each other and how to move forward. He has commitment issues and is emotionally stunted. Talk to him about how he thinks he can change his thought perception, i.e. therapy, being more communicative, self-help books, etc.? What is his plan? You can't just say, "I'm the way I am so deal with it." Three years is a long time to keep existing on excuses. You either do something about it or stay away from relationships if you haven't a clue as to how to be in one.

 

Thanks for the advice. I will talk to him. But he is just so closed off when I talk about this stuff. And I feel even more disappointed afterward. I know he cares and loves me and if he weren't happy, he wouldn't be asking me to move in...but his fear is just tumultuous and over bearing.

[Zahara]

Thanks for the advice. I will talk to him. But he is just so closed off when I talk about this stuff. And I feel even more disappointed afterward. I know he cares and loves me and if he weren't happy, he wouldn't be asking me to move in...but his fear is just tumultuous and over bearing.

 

How can you have a relationship with someone that can't talk about the relationship?

 

He may care and love you and he maybe happy with the relationship because it suits his needs and his terms but does it make you feel happy and fulfilled? No. Moving in doesn't change that fact.

 

I had an ex that asked me to move in but he was cheating on me. So what is the significance of moving in when he can't fully commit and be emotionally present and available in the relationship for you?

 

It would be best for him to work on what he needs to work on, for you to do the same, see change and progression and then talk about moving in. I have a feeling "moving in" is something he feels will "fix" it and just keep you quiet.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

How can you have a relationship with someone that can't talk about the relationship?

 

He may care and love you and he maybe happy with the relationship because it suits his needs and his terms but does it make you feel happy and fulfilled? No. Moving in doesn't change that fact.

 

I had an ex that asked me to move in but he was cheating on me. So what is the significance of moving in when he can't fully commit and be emotionally present and available in the relationship for you?

 

It would be best for him to work on what he needs to work on, for you to do the same, see change and progression and then talk about moving in. I have a feeling "moving in" is something he feels will "fix" it and just keep you quiet.

 

Exactly what I thought about moving in....

 

You're right. I have nothing to say...

[2fargone]

I reflected on the fact that I gave it my all, but something was still missing. I don't think I could have done anything more to make it work. I gave it my all, and that's good enough. Given that it still didn't work, I realize we are simply not compatible for a lifelong love - but that I will be much more compatible with someone else, and I owe it to myself and my future love to find him

 

I expressed to him and others the fact that I feel blessed for having met him, for the time we spent together, for the lessons we learned, and that's the truth. Though he wasn't the one, he has many good qualities and had a positive influence on me. The problems we had challenged me to stand up for myself and overcome things that were holding me back. I really am thankful for that. I'm stronger now than I was just before I met him, and he played some part in that.

 

I've talked to my close friends about everything, and they have been very caring and supportive. He didn't seem all that appreciative of me and grateful to have me in his life, but my closest friends are, and I return their friendship with lots of love and good stuff.

 

I feel stronger and more sure of myself than I have in a long time. I'm pretty sure I'll attract a great guy who adores me and loves showing it. I'm sure you will, too. But it REALLY is true that you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you. A woman who truly loves and respects herself will not tolerate any disrespect from a man, no matter how she feels about him.

 

Someday you'll look back on this relationship and laugh about the fact that you ever gave such a lame-o the time of day.

 

 

Not to hijack the thread or something, but you sound like my ex. Or might sound like her... Wich I don't mean in a negative way.

 

 

Just wanted to mention it

[Simplysimon]

I told my boyfriend I needed a break.

 

I'm so heartbroken. But it's hard being in a relationship that never gives and only takes. He can barely discuss our future together (marriage, kids), I mean he sometimes will and talks about it a little, but it's like "**** or get off the pot" and put a plan in place for our future together.

 

I've never been surprised by him. I mean, it has been 3 years and the man has yet to take me on a trip or at least split the cost and plan one with me. Yet, he buys guns, camping gear and a new home. And I have taken him on trips just to hear that it was an inconvenience because he has things he could be doing on his days off.

 

I am never put first. I surprise him, I try to keep the romance going and he never wants to do anything unless I plan the whole thing and take off work on my end because we have opposite schedules. And he is content in that sort of relationship. I mean, he loves me and never treats me poorly by doing anything specific, it is just about what HE DOESN'T DO that is hurtful.

 

I am beginning to resent things, I have spoken with him a million times about what I need over the last 3 years and he just says he will work on it. And what do you know, same old ****, different day. He isn't romantic at ALL. No flowers, no love notes, no romantic dinners. I just feel totally under appreciated and have realized maybe he is happy with mediocrity and the bare minimum. I am not. And I certainly don't ask for much to be happy.

 

He is my best friend. I love him. And I can't imagine a future with anyone else. But I also can't imagine a future with someone who can't put my needs on his priority list. I don't want to be with a man who only wants to change because I'm threatening to leave. I want a man who steps up because he cares about me even when he's sure I'm not going anywhere anyhow.

 

I am lost and I need guidance. 3 years is a long time for me. When someone doesn't make you happy yet you love them with all your heart, how do you walk away?

 

You know there are good guys and bad guys..all the things you say you want I did for my girl and you know what....it got me no where. What's wrong with women why do you need to be a complete ******* to get a woman to love you....50 red roses, love letters , holidays to Europe , houses , horses , a Porsche , and here I am alone...it's guns and pot for me from now on.....treat them mean keep them keen.....women ......your a pain in the ass never satisfied either way......

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

You know there are good guys and bad guys..all the things you say you want I did for my girl and you know what....it got me no where. What's wrong with women why do you need to be a complete ******* to get a woman to love you....50 red roses, love letters , holidays to Europe , houses , horses , a Porsche , and here I am alone...it's guns and pot for me from now on.....treat them mean keep them keen.....women ......your a pain in the ass never satisfied either way......

 

Well then...

[2fargone]

He is my best friend. I love him. And I can't imagine a future with anyone else. But I also can't imagine a future with someone who can't put my needs on his priority list. I don't want to be with a man who only wants to change because I'm threatening to leave. I want a man who steps up because he cares about me even when he's sure I'm not going anywhere anyhow.

 

I am lost and I need guidance. 3 years is a long time for me. When someone doesn't make you happy yet you love them with all your heart, how do you walk away?

 

 

 

This topic is a bit of a trigger for me, since this kinda happened to me. Yet the 'chances' my ex gave me were never spoken out loud by her.

 

 

For me it would have been enough to know she wouldn't be able to continue the relationship if I didn't change. Sometimes people don't see what they are doing or what is wrong and 'threathening to leave' would have been a viable option for me. Because then at least I have a choice and a chance to think about things. I think in a relationship I have a right to make that decision, instead of having it made for me.

 

 

In your case however, apparently communication is lacking and that by itself is even talked about or attempted. So I guess he already made his choice there.

 

 

As in how do you walk away: If you feel you have given him the choice, you tell him it's over and why, maybe even give it to him in a letter so you don't have to argue about it and he can just read and reread it. And then you cut all ties and just do it. Sounds easier than it is, but it would serve no purpose to the both of you to drag things out and stay in touch.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

He knows I won't leave him. That sounds bad and needy maybe, but I won't leave him because I care too much. We've been down this road before. Breaking up isn't an option. Fixing things are. I can't leave him, I love him enough to care about working on things. Love is hard, relationships are hard. You have to continue to fight for them, pamper them, take care of them and maintain them. You can't just let it sit and die. Relationships require work and hard work indeed.

 

In the end, I asked him one simple question, "Do you want us to work?" and he said, "Yes, I want us to work"

 

Next time I see him in person I will clarify what I need for us to work. But I'm not giving up on him. And I hope he doesn't give up on me either.

 

This topic is a bit of a trigger for me, since this kinda happened to me. Yet the 'chances' my ex gave me were never spoken out loud by her.

 

 

For me it would have been enough to know she wouldn't be able to continue the relationship if I didn't change. Sometimes people don't see what they are doing or what is wrong and 'threathening to leave' would have been a viable option for me. Because then at least I have a choice and a chance to think about things. I think in a relationship I have a right to make that decision, instead of having it made for me.

 

 

In your case however, apparently communication is lacking and that by itself is even talked about or attempted. So I guess he already made his choice there.

 

 

As in how do you walk away: If you feel you have given him the choice, you tell him it's over and why, maybe even give it to him in a letter so you don't have to argue about it and he can just read and reread it. And then you cut all ties and just do it. Sounds easier than it is, but it would serve no purpose to the both of you to drag things out and stay in touch.

[2fargone]

He knows I won't leave him. That sounds bad and needy maybe, but I won't leave him because I care too much. We've been down this road before. Breaking up isn't an option. Fixing things are. I can't leave him, I love him enough to care about working on things. Love is hard, relationships are hard. You have to continue to fight for them, pamper them, take care of them and maintain them. You can't just let it sit and die. Relationships require work and hard work indeed.

 

In the end, I asked him one simple question, "Do you want us to work?" and he said, "Yes, I want us to work"

 

Next time I see him in person I will clarify what I need for us to work. But I'm not giving up on him. And I hope he doesn't give up on me either.

 

 

 

I'm sorry, to me your question seemed 'how do you walk away?'

 

 

If he knows it's not an option for you, you're giving him little reason to start doing things differently. Relationships do indeed require work, but they also require two people doing the work and not just one.

 

 

Perhaps before you start saying what you need, you might ask him how he thinks or feels it will work ? That way you're sort of asking for his cooperation, instead of more 'dictating' what you need.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

I'm sorry, to me your question seemed 'how do you walk away?'

 

 

If he knows it's not an option for you, you're giving him little reason to start doing things differently. Relationships do indeed require work, but they also require two people doing the work and not just one.

 

 

Perhaps before you start saying what you need, you might ask him how he thinks or feels it will work ? That way you're sort of asking for his cooperation, instead of more 'dictating' what you need.

 

It was at first, but I've had time to think about it, and I just don't feel like it's right.

 

He is already afraid of relationships and getting too close, so why would I scare him more and say I'm gonna leave him? I don't want to do that because he will push me away and not trust me.

 

But that's a good idea. I will ask him that instead. It will be interesting to see what he says.

 

Thank you :-)

[anna121]

I STRONGLY advise not moving in with him. You will continue to give and give, and he will continue to take.

 

It is awful that you are so dependent on him. Please realize that your inability to walk away means that you have no leverage whatsoever, and no reasonable prospect of making this into a relationship that truly fulfils you. Absolutely none.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

I STRONGLY advise not moving in with him. You will continue to give and give, and he will continue to take.

 

It is awful that you are so dependent on him. Please realize that your inability to walk away means that you have no leverage whatsoever, and no reasonable prospect of making this into a relationship that truly fulfils you. Absolutely none.

 

 

What do I do :-(

 

I love him, but I can't change him so I just walk away?

[Grumpybutfun]

it's guns and pot for me from now on.....treat them mean keep them keen

 

I told my wife simplysimons quote is my new philosophy and she says, "Yeah, Grumps, that would be best." Smiling and jutting her little hip. Then she laughed and said, "Are you reading that relationship site again where the boys are bitter because they can't get laid?"

[BigGirlPantiesOn]

OP,

 

You're settling for his words instead of his actions.

You sound extremely codependent and lack self-esteem. Unless YOU start to respect yourself, he never will.

 

I predict a lot more pain for you. Don't you think you're worth more than half measures from a man?

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

OP,

 

You're settling for his words instead of his actions.

You sound extremely codependent and lack self-esteem. Unless YOU start to respect yourself, he never will.

 

I predict a lot more pain for you. Don't you think you're worth more than half measures from a man?

 

Aw, that sucks to hear.

 

I understand though. I'm a little lost on what I need to do to change.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Christina Aguilera and A Great Big World: "Say Something" - The Voice Highlight - YouTube

 

This song hits home.

[Jules78]

The quicker you realize people don't change the faster you can move on.

 

Holy ballz! I really needed to read that tonight.

 

My ex begged and pleaded for me to take him back. He would CHANGE and he would do better but I would have to let him prove it to me.

 

We were together 2 1/2 years. I slept with only him. He went back to his ex twice (once just last month hence the boot in his a$$ I gave him) and I am pretty sure he is doing the horizontal tango with someone new since I rejected him. I love how he had someone waiting in the wings just in case.

 

And why am I feeling bad about myself that he cut all contact with me out of nowhere just 2 weeks ago?!

 

Oy!!!

[haggard969]

well my gf of 3 years broke up with me, i am devistated still, you can read all my threads , ppl probly think im insane now, anyways, all i can say is , dont leave him, maybe HE feels you arnt putting him on your priority list eather, what you need to do is talk to him,. my gf would get mad when i tried to bring up the problems, she would have anger fits until i stopped trying to fix the problem, communication is the key. tell him that you want to be a relationshuip together, you need to plan n figure things out together, its not just one sided, you both have to put in 100 percent, and right now if you bail on him you arnt putting in 100 percent, you just need to sit down , look him in the eyes, and say, we need to work on things or things arnt going to work.

[Jules78]

People who bounce from one person to the next, incapable of being alone, always have a backup option right after a breakup- this is called monkeybranching...moving from one Rel to the next and not breaking up with someone until another is lined up.

 

rest assured knowing people who engaged in these behaviors are selfish, insecure, weak people and you are a hell of a lot better than him.

 

And for the record- my first serious boyfriend did the same thing to me as yours...just learn from your mistakes. After that boyfriend and a few other douche dating experiences I never settle for a man who takes me for granted and I stick up for myself. 7 years later Im in a pretty awesome relationship...you know why? Self respect and standards. It wasn't luck I sought it out myself. Be who you want to date and don't accept anything less.

 

I tell girls dont complain about your boyfriends constant disrespect to me...people accept what they think they deserve. BlessYourCottonSocks does not think she deserves better, maybe she hasnt realized it yet but its in her mind guiding her actions and her motivations to excuse her boyfriend. I hope she realizes shes better than that soon.

 

I know I am better than him. I am suffering from nothing more than rejection from him which pisses me off because I AM better than that a$$! I ripped him a new one 7 days ago tomorrow. I'm not proud of it but it needed to be said. Beg me for a month yet that whole time you were scouting out your next victim? Oh he** no!

 

I feel so much better than I did 30 minutes ago. Thank you!

[Grumpybutfun]

Cotton Socks:

What would you like to happen in this relationship? What would be a good compromise for you both? List it all out, and when you finish present it to him and ask him if you two can negotiate where you meet half way. If he refuses or refuses to even talk about it, then you have your answer...he wants you to do all the work in the relationship and give nothing while he expects you to carry you both through.

Love isn't this hard. Trust me when say that love is easy because love is where two people meet in the middle and work together to make their lives amazing together. The only successful relationships are the ones where two people are in them the same amount. I don't rely on my wife to carry us through our relationship because I want to be here. I want to make this partnership the best thing in our lives. Can you say the same for him? If not, move on. You seem like a nice person, as I have been reading your responses as well as this thread, so don't settle for anything less than what you give.

Good luck,

Grumps