sad n confused.....help??

[_Saffy_]

I have been browsing this forum for a while, and have read most of the posts now, some seem to relate to what I am going through and offer some good advice, but I thought I would share my story anyway, and any advice would be most welcome.

 

Sitting comfortably?

 

 

OK, i met him through an online dating site about 8 months ago, we clicked instantly because we have a common love of books and reading. After talking via MSN most nights for 2 months just as mates, things changed and we became flirty, and finally admitted liking each other a lot more than we had let on initially.

 

We flirted online and text each other lots, during this time he chose to "disappear" about 3 times, every time he came back, and told me that he has never felt this before and is scared, and can I try to be patient with him. By this time we hadn't even spoken on the phone, but that followed shortly, firstly with just a really quick call to say hello, we were desperate to hear each others voices by this time, and then within 2 weeks, we were talking several times a day, for hours at a time sometimes. During this time I fell for him, in a big big way, and he said he felt the same. I put no pressure on meeting, but we both really wanted to. In the end we threw caution to the wind and just went for it.

 

We got on fantastically, everything was perfect, we talked, laughed, kissed the whole time, and settled into meeting every other weekend and the odd night during the week for the next 3 months. When we are together there is nothing in this world that can come between us. We still talked constantly on the phone most of the day, in between my lectures, and him working. And every night we spent 2-3 hours chatting before sleeping.

 

After all the barriers that he put up in the beginning, I truly thought we had got through them all.

 

Now heres the snag.....

 

Every other weekend, when we weren't together, he would "disappear". Now when I say "disappear" I mean exactly that. He switches off his mobile, my texts don't get delivered, I cant call him, he isn't online all weekend. He's just gone, and on the Monday morning or Sunday night, you could guarantee I would get an email or phone call.

 

He lives at home (he's 28), he has never had a proper relationship, just a few flings, and has not been involved with anyone in 7 years. He doesn't really go out, other than to the gym, and maybe on a Friday night, with a mate. He wont tell his family about me, I cant call his house, he says he likes me being his "little secret love"

 

So, the excuses for him "disappearing"......well they have ranged from being drunk all weekend, to just needing time out. All seem like they could be true, but obviously I have a niggling doubt. He tells me that he spends the whole time at home, alone, just reading. He says he doesn't like company.

 

He tells me that he's never happy unless he's with me, that I am the only person in this world that he wants, and that he loves me more than he could ever love anyone, he says that I am his soul mate.......but.....yep there always is one......he told me two weeks ago that he feels that he isn't cut out for a relationship.......and that it doesn't matter how he feels about me.....its over.

 

Well I did the begging, I did the whole "we can work on this" thing, give me another try...........I made an idiot of myself, because I thought it would work, it didn't.

 

We stayed in touch, I initiated contact, he responded. He told me that he wants us to be friends. I asked what he wanted me to do with his Christmas presents, he says "hold on to them, I still want to get you something"

 

I asked him if there was someone else......I mean all the signs are there right? He says that there isn't, and wont ever be, its not that he doesn't want me, he just doesn't wanna be in a relationship.

 

Well he finished up at work on Christmas eve..........before he left i got an email that says....."have a merry Christmas Bridget".......thats his pet name for me (not my real name) because he says i'm just like Bridget Jones. I replied on Christmas morning and during Christmas day we exchanged a few texts, I asked him to come back......idiot, i know.....he shut me out at that point.

 

So anyway, I feel that there is nothing to do but NC. I'm not a naive stupid female, I know that I win either way.....he either misses me so much that he comes back, or he stays away, in which case he was never worth my tears anyhow.

 

But, now I'm kinda torn, past experience has told me that he will be back, in fact I'm pretty sure of it. He's hovering around the web site that I run, checking up on a lot of stuff that I do online, he hasn't gone completely, its almost as if, for the Christmas period he has chosen to "disappear"..........if he comes back, what do i do, how do i react. I have serious doubts about this relationship, he seems to be able to wrap me around his little finger tho, and he knows exactly how to make me smile. How do I handle things so that I stay in control?

 

Can anyone throw any light on this ??? please?

[_Saffy_]

been 24 hours of NC and its so hard, how am i meant to keep this up indefinitely?

 

[whichwayisup]

Wow, well all I can say is lay it all out on the line for him. Tell him how you feel and how HE makes you feel when he pulls his disappearing act.

 

I hate to say this, but it does sound like he is married. I know it's easy for me to say that from over here as I am not you in that situation and every situation is different. I am sure he does have feelings for you and hopefully he is not messing with you...Maybe he is scared and not sure what to do...

 

Do you have his home number or a work number? Do you know where he lives? Which City? Do you know his last name, done a google search? The things you find doing a google! lol.

 

I hope for your sake is he being honest and not d!cking you around...

 

Good luck and keep posting!

[LucreziaBorgia]

been 24 hours of NC and its so hard, how am i meant to keep this up indefinitely?

 

By reminding yourself of this:

 

he just doesn't wanna be in a relationship.

 

He told you that he doesn't want a relationship - there is nothing more clear than that. He is enjoying this thing that you have, where he gets all the benefits of having you whenver he wants you - and you only have him when its convenient for him.

 

It sounds pretty hinky to me. He's acting like someone with something to hide. Either that or he holds you in such low regard that he sincerely doesn't want to include you in any other part of his life.

 

Keep up the NC. Otherwise, I imagine you will just have more of the same from him.

[_Saffy_]

thanks for replying....am spending most of my spare time reading this site, looking at the problems you guys have and how you dealt with it.....it helps, it really does.

 

ok, firstly, i have his works number, his home number, his address, and we have had contact any time 24/7 at all other times apart from when he "disappears".......so i really dont think hes married, i have thought of that one.

 

lucrezia......its been two weeks since he said he doesnt want a relationship, and we have had barely any contact since that, but before that he was perfect, talking about our future, and how much he couldnt wait to be with me etc........i am a single parent, so contact was kinda on terms that suited us both.....ie, we arranged times that fitted in when the kids were with their dad, so when we saw each other was more of a mutual arrangement.

[_Saffy_]

well heading into day two of NC, feeling stronger today, have filled my day with things to do, rather than moping around like yesterday.

 

its soooooo not easy, especially when for the past few months, we spent all of our spare time talking, texting or emailing when we werent together.

 

i keep telling myself......"hes stubborn, keep the communication options open for him" but then i hypothetically smack myself around the head and think "he's the one that doesnt want a relationship, let him go, besides he knows where to find you"

 

and another thing that i have decided........if he does decide to come back, i am going to make sure that we talk about this in real life, not via texting or emails.....if i mean anything to him, he can damn well deal with this like a mature adult !!

[_Saffy_]

strength is diminishing through the day.

 

last contact was like 3 days ago.......i text and told him that if he is seeing someone else he should have just told me and i would be gone

 

he replied saying "im not though".......but he didnt switch on his phone til 12 hours after i had sent it, he replied straight away.

 

i replied about 6 hours later saying, "leave me alone"

 

and started NC at that point. well clearly i have left him no scope to reply, hes doing exactly as i asked.

 

 

should i send a text saying that im thinking of him, should i just leave things and keep up NC

 

why would he tell me that he isnt seeing anyone else, why not just ignore me if i mean nothing to him?

[_Saffy_]

guess after just a couple of days of no contact i must sound pretty pathetic right now.......i mean some of you have been doing this for months.

 

dont mean to be that way, its just real empty right now.

[tattoomytoe]

saffy...the first week or 2 of NC is the hardest....you are plodding along great!

 

keep strong!

[_Saffy_]

thanks, im sure all these up and down, angry and unangry emotions are exactly what im meant to be feeling.

 

am taking strength from this forum.....when i feel like contacting him, i come here and read some more, and feel stronger.

 

 

just wish i knew what is going through his head.......a guys opinion would be good

[_Saffy_]

day three....<sigh>

 

 

feeling strong again this morning, hes gotta be wondering where i am and if im serious about this by now......right?

 

have asked all my friends to not mention it, and act like he doesnt exist, unless i need to talk. dont need the questions at the moment.

 

and am using this place to vent.

[Gottabestrong]

Dear Saffy,

 

am really sorry about the situation you are going through. Must be really hard.

 

Unfortunately I have no good advice to offer as I am lost myself. Only thing I can think of is stick with NC. Looks like the only thing you can do if you dont want to come across as a pathetic needy person.

 

Good luck with everything and hope you are stronger than me!

[_Saffy_]

thanks

 

i did the pathetic needy person for two weeks already.......i mean its always worked when hes "disappeared" before.....but then it kinda hit me that he gotta realise that he cant keep doing it

 

as it stands he thinks he can come back anytime he feels like, and up until now he could. every time he came back he promised never to do it again......and i believed him.....but of course i set myself up for it every time.

 

i really have no idea where he is or what hes doing during this time.

 

 

he will come back, im sure of it, but this time he isnt going to get the welcome arms that hes used to.

 

 

this place is great, i feel heaps better being able to vent here.

[_Saffy_]

well last night i caved on the NC

 

i sent a text saying "hope you are happy now that you got what you want"..........18 hours later it still hasnt been delivered

 

am more annoyed for putting myself back in this waiting postition......and i know the score now, it will be delivered and i will be hoping for a reply.....but wont get one

 

 

someone smack me around the head for being such and idiot!!

[nan]

I read your situation. Not to put a damper on anything, but when my step father commited suicide last Christmas and I started going to counseling, it was grief and loss counseling. I think a lot of things I learned there can be applied to relationships ending. The best advice I've ever heard is not take it one day at a time, because I feel that impossible, but take it time after time. Here's what I mean by that.

 

Everyone has ever changing feelings throughout the day, one minute you're okay, the next you're not. So set an amount of time for yourself where you can deal. Just say to yourself, if I can just get through this half hour, or 5 minutes. Once you got through that rough part, you can set a new time or maybe you'll fell better after that, your emotions will change. Take it time after time and just hang in there.

 

Nan

[_Saffy_]

thanks nan, thats fantastic advice.

 

i guess in a lot of ways its similar to bereavement when they disappear off the face of the earth and you have no contact, just memories. it also makes it hard because you know that the lack of contact is merely because they dont wanna......as opposed to wanting to and being unable to.

 

the text i sent got delivered 26 hours ago, and needless to say there was no response.

 

and today, i cant even remember the good times.

[_Saffy_]

well he text..........just a "happy new year <name>" text

 

nothing personal, no kisses, no emotion.............so whats he thinking???

 

 

 

 

i didnt respond, not going to either, but spent a sleepless night thinking up replies......

 

 

"yes with a bit of luck it will be happier than last year"

 

"please take the words "off" and "f**k" and arrange them into a legible sentence, and then apply them to yourself"

 

"2004 was happy until some b****rd ripped my life apart"

 

 

yes plenty of replies, didnt send any of them, just went back to sleep.

 

simply because i can no longer see us back together, the way we were before, i dont even know how i possibly was that happy with someone that can be like this now.

 

happy 2005 guys

[LucreziaBorgia]

All that angry spiteful replies are going to do is make him think "thank goodness I got out of that one when I did."

 

The hardest thing to do, and what will ultimately be the best for you both is to just stop contact altogether. He sent you back a deeply impersonal message, which is probably the very worst thing you can offer someone: indifference.

[_Saffy_]

yeah i know the score with angry responses.......which is why i only thought them and didnt send any.

 

and apart from one minor relapse, i have been on no contact for a week, and still am.

 

i didnt see this as a response to my text to him on weds tho.

[_Saffy_]

well after he text to say happy new year, i have kinda battled with myself about whether to reply.

 

so today i did. my text said......."thanks <name>. hope 2005 brings everything you could possibly desire"

 

 

you guys think this is ok? didnt really wanna break NC twice in a week but at the same time i didnt wanna have it left dangling in the air, and im not a spiteful person, i have done nothing wrong here, and i dont want anyone thinking badly of me.

 

so did i do the right thing??

[_Saffy_]

anyone?

[Puma]

well we cant really say if u did the right thing if thats what ur seekin an answer for, but i dont see any harm in that. in ur reply u were wishin him well adn that will be appreciated by him more than any other reply showin more emotion either of spite or love..u maintained the middle ground so i would say no harm done, dont trip

[strange love]

Hi Saffy and this also goes out to any other women trying to get a guy back

 

Ok sure NC works somewhat. But Im not sure women realize they are able to get away with being a bit more persistant with men. Generally in society men being persistant is looked upon as stalking and women being persistant is looked upon as flattering.

 

I really prefer to have a somewhat mysterious background on here, coach from the sidelines rather then dissect my personal romantic life.

 

Theres more then a few instances where I told women hey its time to break up and either was flat out refused by them.... phone conversations defending why we should stay together or..

There was one lady. I told her sorry this doesnt feel right, when I got into work there was like 3 emails sitting on my computer.. One explained how she was in the batroom crying at work.. In any case she was quite good at breaking no contact and having me call her and etc etc..

Women have many things at thier disposal to get a man back.

Im just offering this up as alternative...

 

Sometimes it can work for guys to if they are really charming and able to win the other party over to there point of view..

 

NC is not the only tool

 

So my comment

hey babe if he is talking to you.. which he is he did reply keep at it.. what have you got to lose really..right?

Lets see if he replies back

[_Saffy_]

thanks guys.

 

and strange love, ya kinda right in a way, i know a lot of guys are flattered by the amount of attention that they can get when they try to break up, and with this particular guy this has worked before. he isnt the most secure guy in the world and does usually respond well to my flattering him and winning him back.

 

 

this time tho things are different for me, at the time of breaking up i had just been told that i need to have an operation, which im not going to go into, he left me alone for this and for the whole time over christmas.

 

now it maybe that he didnt know how to deal with these things, hes not great when it comes to the experiences of life or relationships.

 

from my point of view i have done enough chasing, im a strong person, i can deal with most of what life throws, and most of the time its been some real bad ****, i crumbled for a bit from the news about the op, and from the break up, but now im back.

 

im using no contact here because i have some stuff that i want to deal with for myself, but at the same time what i dont want is to distance him, he ended this and when hes ready to come back and talk, im ready to listen, but for now, thats all im willing to do. listen.

[KaiaMahina]

bothers me, Saffy. Mainly because, when I was miserable over a man I had to cut off, a friend of mine gave me Bridget Jones' Diary to read, telling me that it would make me feel better.

 

How? It's one of the most depressing books I've ever read! Empowering? Not so's you'd notice. The poor girl is always worried about her weight and running around after a man who's no damn good and doesn't want her for anything but a cheesy roll in the hay anyhow. Yeah. So she tentatively ends up with "the nice guy" she's been ignoring throughout the book, but I would hardly consider someone feeling that I'm "just like Bridget Jones" to be a flattering thing.

 

I felt better watching Angela Bassett set her ex-husband's car on fire in Waiting to Exhale! You don't let men monkey with your emotions and set the pace for whether you're having a good day or a bad day depending on whether they respond to you and in what way!

 

This guy seems frighteningly strange to me...he either has someone else (or a couple someone elses) that he's treating just as poorly as he's treating you, or he really is so odd that he shuts someone out of his life every other weekend without any consideration for their feelings!

 

His insecurity is his problem, but you're letting him make it YOURS. He needs to take care of his own issues and leave other people out of it instead of using them for recreational purposes. I'm sorry if this seems a little harsh, but I really feel for you, and I hate seeing women (or men) being misused by selfish, dysfunctional manipulators!

 

He's getting a real ego trip, and you're paying for the ticket, meals, and all expenses! Cut off the funds! Spend those emotional riches on yourself, or on someone who will appreciate it!