girlfriend I loved cheated on me. I need fdback

[javi002]

Hello guys new user here. I just broke up with my girlfriend because she admitted that she cheated on me with a friend of hers. We were together for 10 months, but she was the perfect girl, and to her I was the perfect guy, we felt like soul mates, like it was too good to be true that a relationship could be so perfect. She's 25 and I'm 30 so we are at the age where this was it, that this was the person I was gonna spend the rest of my life with, and she felt the same. We shared everything in intimacy, she even told me one of her deepest secrets. We both felt so comfortable with each other that we can tell each other anything, anything. She trusted me blindly and I trusted her blindly. She would tell me everything, for example her ex-bf would text her and she would show me the texts. She said she is not capable of keeping things from me , also if she was out with her girlfriends and if a guy approached her or whatever she would immediately mention she had a bf and then would tell me all about it the next day, just a couple of examples. Needless to say we both knew each other and both knew that we were not capable of cheating, and if we did, we promised that we would tell the other.

We met up a couple of nights ago, we said hello we were all smiles, we hugged and she hugged me so hard, and then she broke into tears. She told me that the night she went out (which was about 3 nights before) with her friends they all go drunk and smoked weed, and got really high. She very rarely went out, she would usually go out with me. When she wanted to go out with friends she would always ask me to come. That night I couldn't go. The friends were a group of guys that I met on a couple of occasions. The group was usually 2 or 3 guys and their girlfriends, and I knew them, so I felt comfortable with my girlfriend being in that environment. She confessed that she hooked up with one of the guys when she was dropping him off to his car. She said she didnt want to tell me at first because she was afraid of losing me, but when she broke down, she knew she just could not keep it from me. She said it was mistake, that it didnt mean anything, that she was so drunk and so high, and asked me to forgive her, that she is willing to do whatever it takes. I was devastated and drove off, I had no words I told her just call me tomorrow morning . I went home and started drinking. She texts me saying she wants to come over and fix this, that if she waits till tomorrow she's afraid she would loose me. I told her fine come. i was already drunk and we talked and ended up having sex, I dont remember much because I got so drunk. I drank half a bottle of tequila in like 20 mins. the next day I was sad and hangover, but I was like whatever she was drunk that night and kissed a guy that she has no feelings for whatsoever. I was willing to forgive her. We met up in the afternoon, I was still very distant, but I knew I knew I would get back with her. She said how sorry she was, and that would do whatever it takes to move forward. She understood that things might not be the same, that this betrayal destroyed the trust that we had in each other. But we were willing to move forward. She promised me that she would never hang out with that group anymore, if that was my wish. That she would choose me over anyone. All of the sudden I dont know how it happened, she was talking and the word "slept" slipped out of her mouth. I was what do you mean slept, she said she misspoke and meant hooked up. I asked her if she had sex with the guy and she just gave me a blank look. No answer, which confirmed what actually happened that night. She has the nerve to then say that it doesn't matter and the important thing is that we move forward. I asked why she didnt tell me she had sex with him, and she said "I assumed you knew when I told you last night". I said last night you told me you hooked up with him. I didnt think that meant you had sex with him. I didn't think that she was capable of this, which is why from the beginning I always thought that the only thing that happened was they kissed and nothing else. She said she couldn't believe what she had done, and that she has no explanation why she would betray me like that. Again she said it didnt mean anything and that i was her world. I do believe her and always will. I left I told her that we would work though this and I kissed her. i said all of this, but I didnt mean it. I forced myself to kiss her, I didn't feel it, and from the look of her eyes I knew that she knew I was not being sincere. I just could not wrap my head around it and didn't want to make a decision. I though I needed space to think but deep down, I knew my decision was made. That same night I texted her and asked to meet. I went in not knowing if I was gonna break up with her. I was gonna ask for some space, at least for a few days to think things through. We talked, she was holding back the tears, and as we spoke, I knew there was no point in dragging this any longer and broke up with her. I said I have to know why she didnt stop it, why did she let it escalate to that point. She said she doesn't know why, that the easy thing would be to blame it on the alcohol, but she doesn't want to give me the easy excuse. She says she doesnt know why and she would ask herself that question for the rest of her life. she said, why when I have something so perfect I screw it up, she doesn't know the answer. She told me that this was the most amazing year of her life and admitted that she broke this and it was all her fault. She told me she couldn't believe how lucky she was to have met me. I gave her one last hug parted ways.

Sorry for the long story I hope I didnt loose you guys. What would you guys have done? I would appreciate some feedback. some of you may say that it was only 10 months, but I've been in other relationships where after 2 years I felt like I still didnt know the person. With this girl it felt like I knew her all my life. We did everything together and we shared everything with each other. It was the type of intimacy that you could only dream of. Deep down I know that she made a mistake chances are that she would never do this to me again. But how can I go on knowing she had sex with another guy. I couldn't look at her the same way, I knew I had lost all my respect for her, and there's no way it would ever be the same

[Clay]

You are right it will never be the same. She made her decision to have sex with him. Honestly she did not think of you at that moment or how you might feel about her doing this. You are best to move on. It sucks but honestly if she could throw it away so easily while everything was amazing between the two of you imagine what It will be like if your fighting and she is off with friends. Or you fall on hard times and she is off drinking.

 

Its simple She does not respect her self and she has no respect for you.

 

Walk away and be glad your not married to her or have kids.

 

Sorry for your loss.

 

Clay

[Zahara]

Again she said it didnt mean anything and that i was her world. I do believe her and always will.

 

There must be a book about this. It's a line you always hear when the cheater is comes clean.

 

If it was meaningless, why do it when it would be so damaging? It's because she wanted to, meaningless or not.

 

What happens when she gets drunk and stoned again? Have sex with guys because she doesn't have any sense of self control, respect or boundaries?

 

If someone is your "world", alcohol and weed doesn't change that fact.

[aliveagain]

The point here is that as your girlfriend she is supposed to protect you when she is around other men, that's what trust is, she failed in the worst possible way. The other guy has no commitment to you, if she doesn't stop him he's going to do what most single guys would do, get laid. You did the right thing. If she will give it away the first time she's out without you why take a chance and risk your future on her, hell, you guys weren't even arguing, what would have happened if you were? It will take you years to trust her again. She needs to work on herself, you need to put yourself out there again, Ms. right is out there somewhere.

[jphcbpa]

you have done and are doing the right thing. you would never be able to trust her again.

 

move on, no regrets.

[Spectre]

You did the right thing by dumping her, she doesn't care about you one bit if she could do this.

 

Also here is the problem with you saying "I know she made a mistake and would probably never do it again". First off, let me tell you what a mistake is. If I have a gf and I decide to run and get us some dinner from McDonalds, but when I get home I realize I forgot to get her diet coke and instead got her regular. That is a mistake, why? Because I did not intentionally choose to get her the wrong thing, it wasn't a conscious choice on my part. Just like if I decided to cook her a homemade meal and burned it..again, it was not my plan to burn the food, I didn't go into it thinking "yeah I'm giving this chick some burnt dinner".

 

What your gf did was a choice she made. A persons clothes do not magically pop off in the blink of an eye, you have to choose to remove them, etc. She made a choice, and her choices reflect that she couldn't possibly love you or respect you. I'm glad at least you did dump her..a lot of times you will see people trying to convince themselves their relationship was special and worth saving, without realizing the very fact that the more special the relationship was the more worse the betrayal is and the more it shows the complete lack of respect had for you. The fact that she would never do it again is irrelevant, even if a magic all knowing genie popped up and said "I looked into the future and saw she will never do this again" it still wouldn't matter, since the fact that it happened once is enough.

 

Be glad you dodged this bullet now instead of when you were married or had kids. Again though: just go over what she tried to tell you after she cheated. That you were her world. Really, that is a ballsy thing to say to someone you cheated on. She also says it didn't mean anything? Bull, she also says this was the most amazing year of her life? Bull. Actions speak louder then words, her actions speak very clearly. The fact that she is trying to claim all this stuff would make me even more mad. Not only did she cheat, but she is lying to you now by telling you she feels this way when she clearly doesn't. If this was the most amazing year of her life this never would of happened.

Edited November 19, 2013 by Spectre

[javi002]

Thank you all for the support. You're right I will never be able to trust her again. Trust was the foundation of this relationship and it is what made us so strong, until she crippled it. Just as a correction, I guess I didnt quite make it clear. It wasn't the first night she was out without me, and with this group of guys. These are her friends and she knew them way before she met me. She told me before nights like this would always go down, and they always treated her as if she was one of the guys, and nothing ever happened. And I know her, and i do believe her. However she messed up, and it is one and done. Aliveagain, you nailed it on the head, she needs to work on herself. Thats where I worry about her because her family is crazy, and I was her shining star when everything turned dark on her. But theres nothing I could do now, she's on her own. She made her choice. I'll stay positive and move on. Thank you all for the quick responses, and I hope to be an active member of this board.

[javi002]

Spectre; that is exactly the way i see it now. She made a choice, you could not have said it any better.

[Spectre]

I think the fact that she was good friends with this group for a long time also says a lot in terms of her decisions. Even if maybe normally you somehow could of indeed gotten past this, that would only complicate problems because she could definitely never ever see this guy again. Problem is if this is a group of friends I doubt the friends will cut the guy out of their lives, which means they might feel like they have to choose between friends..and even if they don't feel that way they will now have to at least decide which friends to invite to which outings because they could never have both of them at the same group outing.

 

Even if she did cut the entire group out of her life this might cause her to end up resenting you a bit over it. Also for me personally I would feel bad about having her get rid of such good friends(obviously besides the guy she got with). Even though it would be all her own fault it happened, it would suck to get rid of genuinely good friends who actually have enough respect for her to not hook up with her while she is dating someone else. So she definitely further sabotaged any chance at it working.

 

Anyways, it sucks but at least you did the right thing by dropping her. I am curious, has she been trying to contact you since you dumped her? I really think you need to go completely no contact with her. Do not answer her calls, texts, or emails and do not see her. If she keeps pestering you then just send her a single email saying you have no interest in having her in your life in any capacity and that she should stop trying. If you have some of her stuff at your house or she has some of yours at hers, then pack it up and go drop her stuff off at her place and then get your own things, and that will have to be the last time you see her. After that if she shows up at your place or something, once you answer the door and see it is her just close it in her face.

 

Not only is the no contact good for you, but it is something that will especially sting her and it will make it especially seem like you are moving on. She doesn't even deserve the chance to try to further apologize or to sit there and tell you more lies about how you are her world.

Edited November 20, 2013 by Spectre

[Touty]

Javi are you serious? You are debating what to do here? You are 30 years old. She is a trifling, manipulative little girl who wants to eradicate herself of responsibility. She is not ready for a relationship EVEN if she "means well" by telling you things you don't even know are really true or not. You paint her so nicely, like she is nothing but a saint, but do you really KNOW these nice things for sure? And aren't her actions enough to understand she is not the one? Who gets so drunk and high that they don't know what they are doing? And if she didn't know what she was doing wouldn't it be rape, as her friend would've taken advantage of her because she did not consent?

[javi002]

Spectre; I dumped her last night (monday), so no she has not tried to contact me yet. If she does I'm either gonna ignore her texts or I'm gonna tell her to stay the hell out of my life and leave me alone. I doubt she will try to contact me, cause I think she finally understood that there is no way anyone could forgive something like this. As for personal things I do have a coffee cup with pictures of us engraved on them that she gave me on my birthday. I'm still debating what to do with it, wether I should smash it against the wall into a million pieces, or just mail it to her, with a note saying something like I didnt really want to smash it so you can have it back and decide what to do with it. I dont know. Other than that, nothing of significance that i have of hers amd that she has of me.

Touty: no I'm not debating anymore, I just needed to vent this out somehow, share my story and I've been more than happy with amount of feedback I've received. Thank you all of you. This I think is a step thats part of the healing process, thats all. And no it wasn't rape, she knew what she was doing, and like you and another member said. Actions speak louder than words.

[Spectre]

You know what? I absolutely think you should indeed return that present to her. I really truly do. It will let her know just how much she hurt you..and it will also probably make it so that there is even a higher chance that she will now know to never do this to someone else. True that doesn't benefit you, but at least it might prevent her from hurting another guy as badly as she hurt you.

 

I would say mail the present back to her instead of physically handing it over and definitely don't inform her you have mailed her anything. Mail it with a note simply stating that you have no use for it anymore. If you do mail it to her I'd be curious to know her reaction.

Edited November 20, 2013 by Spectre

[Kate9292]

Its simple She does not respect her self and she has no respect for you

She is a trifling, manipulative little girl who wants to eradicate herself of responsibility

doesn't care about you one bit if she could do this

Wrong.

 

Just because she cheated on him, doesn't matter she doesn't care or respect him or manipulates him. Yes, some people can cheat even when everything's amazing. Doesn't mean they are somehow broken or horrible people, but they may be just not cut out for monogamy. Nothing wrong with that as long as they are honest with themselves and everyone around.

She might be one of them. But if you can't accept or handle this, sure, breaking up with her is right choice.

[Kate9292]

Wrong... if you cheat in someone and you know the effect that will have in the person you are cheating on and you still do it then you don't have any respect for that person, you are humiliating that person in the worse way that you can do. It still surprises me how you every and every time come to side up with the cheaters... I guess that says a lot ...

 

I'm just tired of people calling other names like they were the ones who were cheated on by this girl.

 

What's up with that bitterness? She messed up, yes, it doesn't mean you have to spit venom at her.

[Spectre]

Wrong.

 

Just because she cheated on him, doesn't matter she doesn't care or respect him or manipulates him. Yes, some people can cheat even when everything's amazing. Doesn't mean they are somehow broken or horrible people, but they may be just not cut out for monogamy. Nothing wrong with that as long as they are honest with themselves and everyone around.

She might be one of them. But if you can't accept or handle this, sure, breaking up with her is right choice.

 

Holy Crap Kate what the heck? Seriously, cheating may not mean you are a horrible person, but you DEFINITELY do not care about or respect a person you cheat on. I'm sorry, you just do not do this. It is as simple as that, actions speak louder then words and cheating is among the loudest actions a person can do when it comes to showing how they really feel about another person. Also she cheats and then lies to his face by claiming he is "her world". That kinda sounds like a form of manipulation to me.

 

If a relationship is so amazing and a person truly cares and respects their partner? Nope, cheating is not ever going to occur. If someone isn't cut out for monogamy then you STAY AWAY from monogamous relationships. That's like if I'm allergic to peanuts, but I'm too foolish to stop eating the things.

 

If you cheat on a person, if you lack the capacity to either dump them or admit to them that is just the type of person you are before you cheat..then there is no way you have any respect for them. The fact that you would even feel after such treatment you could just equates to even more disrespect in my opinion.

 

I get that you may feel some are too harsh on cheaters and cheaters certainly aren't horrible evil people, but there is a world of difference between that and thinking that anyone who truly cared or respected their partners would treat them like this. If you feel cheating doesn't show disrespect and lack of caring I am almost afraid to ask you how far you feel this girl would need to go before it shows she doesn't care. What does she have to do to prove this if cheating doesn't?

Edited November 20, 2013 by Spectre

[Kate9292]

I did not really felt lack of respect towards my first boyfriend when I cheated on him with two other guys.

 

I DID feel lack of respect towards him later on, when he said he wants to work it out, yet kept bringing it up and even picking fights with me.

 

So no, cheating isn't always sign of disrespect. But I can't say it never happens or it doesn't come later.

[aliveagain]

There was a point before the panties were totally off that his girlfriend or for that matter any wayward woman would have had to make the decision to go all the way or stop. She would have had to consider that she put herself in this position, that she could stop it and leave or just wrap her legs around him and enjoy some strange. Why would someone that is willing to consciously betray their significant other expect their world to remain the same after the act is done? They must have been willing to end their relationship one way or another by choosing that path. How could it not effect them? If they question their ability to be monogamous than be honest about it, many of us won't accept an open relationship or be willing to share the person we love with other men. A wayward has no right to take that decision away from us just as they can not know how we will react when we find out about their infidelity.

 

I choose to be in a relationship without infidelity, if the woman that I am with is stupid enough to test me on that issue than she better be prepared for the immediate consequence.

[BHsigh]

I did not really felt lack of respect towards my first boyfriend when I cheated on him with two other guys.

 

I DID feel lack of respect towards him later on, when he said he wants to work it out, yet kept bringing it up and even picking fights with me.

 

So no, cheating isn't always sign of disrespect. But I can't say it never happens or it doesn't come later.

 

So you fully respected your bf and proved it by cheating on him with two other guys, that really shows that you truly respected his feelings and cared about him.

 

But you started to lose respect for him when you had to face the consequences of your actions.

 

Makes perfect sense.

 

I think that somethings backwards here.

 

OP, you did the right thing by breaking up with her, you weren't married and don't have kids with her. Cheating is a really hard thing to get over, and without a long history it would be even more so.

 

Move on and find someone better.

[Zahara]

I did not really felt lack of respect towards my first boyfriend when I cheated on him with two other guys.

 

I DID feel lack of respect towards him later on, when he said he wants to work it out, yet kept bringing it up and even picking fights with me.

 

So no, cheating isn't always sign of disrespect. But I can't say it never happens or it doesn't come later.

 

Cheaters and entitlement.

 

You lost respect for him because while he wanted to work it out, he kept bringing it up and fighting with you? You felt entitled that he just get over it and move forward? Do you even understand what betrayal feels like, and it takes a long time to work around it and survive it. And seeing that he couldn't do that at your pace, you lost respect for him? If anything, he should have lost all respect for you and walked away. Entitled. Cheating on your boyfriend however didn't trigger the meaning of respect in your head.

 

Sadly, you never had respect for him in the first place to cheat on him with not one, but TWO guys. That's a blatant slap on the face. People that respect their partners, respect their feelings, respect their relationship and respect the commitment.

Edited November 20, 2013 by Zahara

[Spectre]

I did not really felt lack of respect towards my first boyfriend when I cheated on him with two other guys.

 

I DID feel lack of respect towards him later on, when he said he wants to work it out, yet kept bringing it up and even picking fights with me.

 

So no, cheating isn't always sign of disrespect. But I can't say it never happens or it doesn't come later.

 

No cheating is absolutely always a sign of disrespect. If you feel you still respected your bf after cheating on him then I am sorry, I feel you are then very confused about what words like respect mean or you are simply just in denial. The fact that you are even trying to argue it isn't always disrespectful speaks volumes.

 

Does it mean nobody will ever do anything to hurt someone they care and respect for? Nope not at all, but there are certain lines you just absolutely do not cross and cheating is one of them. If you ever had an ounce of respect for your bf you would of just dumped him. Heck you cheated on him with not one, but two other guys. In what crazy world is this respectful behavior? I really do hope you change your attitude and the way you view relationships, otherwise I just think you will end up hurting more guys who don't deserve it and who you don't care about.

 

Not everything in life is black and white, but cheating absolutely is. It's never right and it's never not completely disrespectful. Not only to the person you cheat on, but also to yourself. People should respect themselves enough to get out of relationships before hooking up with others.

Edited November 20, 2013 by Spectre

[Chi townD]

I'm just tired of people calling other names like they were the ones who were cheated on by this girl.

 

What's up with that bitterness? She messed up, yes, it doesn't mean you have to spit venom at her.

 

 

In some cases, we do! And it's not gender bias either, men and women. Some of these folks have been hurt and destroyed by the actions from the people that they love. And sometimes they start to blame themselves for their actions thinking that THEY did something that caused the person that they love and trusted to betray them in the worst possible way.

 

Therefore, if we talk bad about their Ex's, it's to open their eyes! Consider it a smack to the head and wake up! You did NOT cause them to cheat on you. That was a choice that they made. It was selfish and cruel and I'm going to tell you that they are selfish and cruel to help him or her knock their Ex's OFF of that pedestal that they have them on and for them to realize for themselves, "You know what? I DIDN'T deserve to be treated like that and for him/her to try and blame it on me IS SELFISH and they're right! She's a bitch or he's a douche rocket!"

 

Look at it as a tool.

[aliveagain]

When a guy has a lovely gf and cheats on impulse people on this site say or imply mistakes happen and people can learn from them. In fact, over 60% of married men having affairs say they love their wife and they have frequent sex. This is a stat few women really comprehend.

 

When a woman does it this response follows "what would she do if things werent amazing between you two?" and then extreme bashing insues. You never even hear a hint about a woman simply making a mistake.

 

The 2nd part is the correct way to think, too bad when its on the other foot women dont get the same responses

 

Cheating benefits men alot more than women. Anyone who doesnt think this gender bias doesnt exist must be missing half their brain. Men have a myriad of excuses for their mistakes "boys will be boys" "men are wired to spread their seed" and guys can screw without it meaning anything...Its so interesting how in the reverse situation, suggestions like these are never ONCE mentioned.

 

Cheating benefits no one but the lawyers. I can only express my views as a male betrayed spouse who's spouse cheated on him for two years and than had the other mans child and tried to pass it off as mine.

[aliveagain]

What are you trying to say, had it been javi002 that cheated we would be offering different advice? I would offer the same advice regardless if it's to a male or female that is being betrayed. For every male or female cheater there's a male or female that is their affair partner. Cheating is cheating, it's still against the law in 21 States and if you are religious the Bible doesn't distinguish between male or female when it refers to adultery as Lust of Flesh, it's still one of the Deadly Sins regardless of who is performing it. I believe it's the same in every major religion except those that promote lust.

[Sparta]

Wrong.

 

Just because she cheated on him, doesn't matter she doesn't care or respect him or manipulates him. Yes, some people can cheat even when everything's amazing. Doesn't mean they are somehow broken or horrible people, but they may be just not cut out for monogamy. Nothing wrong with that as long as they are honest with themselves and everyone around.

She might be one of them. But if you can't accept or handle this, sure, breaking up with her is right choice.

 

There she is again trying to justify cheating behavior... Sorry you're bitter about your sorry excuse you made in your life. Why do you always to justify cheaters behavior it it's all about you. You're a cheater okay except it and try to change yourself. Defending cheaters not going over well on this forum board.

[crederer]

When a guy has a lovely gf and cheats on impulse people on this site say or imply mistakes happen and people can learn from them. In fact, over 60% of married men having affairs say they love their wife and they have frequent sex. This is a stat few women really comprehend.

 

When a woman does it this response follows "what would she do if things werent amazing between you two?" and then extreme bashing insues. You never even hear a hint about a woman simply making a mistake.

 

The 2nd part is the correct way to think, too bad when its on the other foot women dont get the same responses

 

Cheating benefits men alot more than women. Anyone who doesnt think this gender bias doesnt exist must be missing half their brain. In this forum its pretty obvious too, Ive compared the same situation for men and women and whenever a woman even hints (like texting another guy or talking to their ex...harmless stuff) at being a cheater, she is judged MUCH more harshly. When men do this stuff, more posters are less angry, less judgmental and less liking to spit venom.

 

Men have a myriad of excuses for their mistakes "boys will be boys" "men are wired to spread their seed" and guys can screw without it meaning anything...Its so interesting how in the reverse situation, suggestions like these are never ONCE mentioned.

 

Do you care to provide examples? On this site, cheaters are always painted the same, regardless of gender. I think you may be confused