girlfriend I loved cheated on me. I need fdback

[Spectre]

When a guy has a lovely gf and cheats on impulse people on this site say or imply mistakes happen and people can learn from them. In fact, over 60% of married men having affairs say they love their wife and they have frequent sex. This is a stat few women really comprehend.

 

What site are you reading? Since I really don't see male cheaters being cut a lot of slack here, so it is weird of you to say that. Also, men can claim they love their wives, but if they are sleeping with others that contradicts it.

 

When a woman does it this response follows "what would she do if things werent amazing between you two?" and then extreme bashing insues. You never even hear a hint about a woman simply making a mistake.

 

Except it's not just a simple mistake, whether you are male or female. A simple mistake is if I accidentally shrink my girlfriends clothes in the laundry. I didn't intend to do it, it was indeed a simple mistake, not a conscious decision. If I decide to go and have sex with another women? That is not a "simple mistake" as you call it. That is a conscious choice on my part and a damn selfish and disrespectful one to boot. When it comes to doling out any kind of advice/comments to cheaters..I don't see gender, it doesn't make a difference to me.

 

The 2nd part is the correct way to think, too bad when its on the other foot women dont get the same responses

 

Umm, again..what site are you reading? I do not see women getting bashed for cheating any more then men do here. Stop acting like the guys get it brushed off, but the women don't. There are over 400 pages of threads in just the cheating forum, I could go to pretty much any of them and find multiple instances of both men and women being "bashed" as you say.

 

Men have a myriad of excuses for their mistakes "boys will be boys" "men are wired to spread their seed" and guys can screw without it meaning anything...Its so interesting how in the reverse situation, suggestions like these are never ONCE mentioned.

 

I'm sorry but no, I've never ever seen a "oh hey boys will be boys!" attitude here. So please do not act like women specifically are picked on. Maybe in society itself this might happen, but here? I don't see it happening often, at least not any more so then men. Either that or I've just been hallucinating all the topics about male cheaters where they are treated just as harshly. There is not a single person I have ever commented to where my reply would of been any different had they been the opposite gender.

Edited November 21, 2013 by Spectre

[Kate9292]

There she is again trying to justify cheating behavior... Sorry you're bitter about your sorry excuse you made in your life. Why do you always to justify cheaters behavior it it's all about you. You're a cheater okay except it and try to change yourself. Defending cheaters not going over well on this forum board.

 

Actually, I don't justify anything.

 

I just say how it looks like from offending side.

 

I haven't even once said that what she did was good. I haven't even said so about myself.

 

But it is what it is and time can't be turned back. So now what, do I have have to wear scarlet letter or something for the rest of my life? I was 17 when I did that. You haven't done anything bad as teenager?

 

FYI I've met with my ex first bf a while ago and we have no problem being civil with each other. I don't hold grudges anymore and he doesn't seem to either.

[Kate9292]

I don't blame any BS for cheating and never did.

 

I just say that maybe they had contribution in a relationship going south, and maybe they should look if they should do certain things better, which would help them in next relationships (or repair current one if possible). Actually I'd say the same whether that was cheating or not.

 

In my case there was nothing really going south, my bf was my first and I was just curious what it's like with another guy. Nothing in that was his fault.

 

I think what I write can be a help if you look at it from different point and not just scream "SHE CHEATED! THROW STONES AT HER!". I know what was going on in my head at the time and maybe someone in trouble could use it as perspective to make more informed decision. If they decide it is unacceptable and they should leave, OK, their relationship, their choice. Same if they choose to work it out.

[crederer]

This topic seems to have been sidetracked. OP, all I have to say is you're making the right choice.

 

I had an ex cheat on me and I took her back for a few months. It was horrible. The things that go through your mind all the time are so ridiculous it drives you wild.

 

Then after a while, when you're feeling weak and you lash out, they turn it around and make you seem crazy and point out all the things you're doing wrong, etc, etc. My life went from being great to being in a living hell immediately after.

 

The day I broke up with her, while it was emotional and difficult as we were together so long, I literally felt like I took a 20 pound crap and felt like I was just released from a prison. I wish I broke up with her immediately after at times, but all in all I'm in a way grateful I took her back for a short time because it was a great learning experience pointing out mistakes to me that i will NEVER make again in my life.

[Spectre]

Actually, I don't justify anything.

 

I just say how it looks like from offending side.

 

I haven't even once said that what she did was good. I haven't even said so about myself.

 

But it is what it is and time can't be turned back. So now what, do I have have to wear scarlet letter or something for the rest of my life? I was 17 when I did that. You haven't done anything bad as teenager?

 

FYI I've met with my ex first bf a while ago and we have no problem being civil with each other. I don't hold grudges anymore and he doesn't seem to either.

 

Who is saying you have to wear a scarlet letter for the rest of your life? Nope, you don't, but you do need to stop acting like you ever truly cared or respected any guy you would cheat on. It doesn't matter if you were 17 when you did it or if you were 37.

 

Yes, people can indeed change..but part of that change is recognizing what your past behavior truly meant.

 

Just like the thing with a betrayed spouse, even if they did contribute to the thing going south, they never ever made you cheat.

[Spectre]

In my case there was nothing really going south, my bf was my first and I was just curious what it's like with another guy.

 

Here is where we run into major problems though, and this is why I'd feel extremely uneasy dating any woman with an attitude similar to yours. You have said before that you feel that you did respect your boyfriend. You were young and he was your first so maybe it is understandable you wanted to see what it was like with another guy.

 

However, then you should of just told your boyfriend this instead of cheating on him. This might not of been an easy thing to do, but if sleeping with another man was easier then being honest with your bf there is no possible way you had any respect for him.

 

If you did you would of ended it before cheating. Your relationship couldn't of been that special or serious since if it was you would of never really wanted to hook up with other guys in the first place.

 

Thing is, I do feel people can change. If I was some guy interested in being with you..your past wouldn't be the major problem. The major problem would be you feeling you could respect someone and still cheat on them. That would send of major red flags to me.

 

I am not saying this to be mean or make you feel bad, I just think you really need to recognize there is a problem if you feel this way and I just can't see how such a problem will never have any negative impacts on any future relationships you have(even if it hasn't happened yet). The worst thing on these forums for me isn't reading about how badly someone has been hurt or how badly someone has hurt their partner..it's seeing someone who it seems is just going to continue in the future hurting people.

Edited November 21, 2013 by Spectre

[javi002]

This topic seems to have been sidetracked. OP, all I have to say is you're making the right choice.

 

I had an ex cheat on me and I took her back for a few months. It was horrible. The things that go through your mind all the time are so ridiculous it drives you wild.

 

Then after a while, when you're feeling weak and you lash out, they turn it around and make you seem crazy and point out all the things you're doing wrong, etc, etc. My life went from being great to being in a living hell immediately after.

 

The day I broke up with her, while it was emotional and difficult as we were together so long, I literally felt like I took a 20 pound crap and felt like I was just released from a prison. I wish I broke up with her immediately after at times, but all in all I'm in a way grateful I took her back for a short time because it was a great learning experience pointing out mistakes to me that i will NEVER make again in my life.

 

 

Yea I happy with my decision, it hurts, but that is the first thing I was worried about. How am I going to take her back, look at her the same way, have the same passion for her, respect her, be comfortable whenever i wasn't around, and just loose my mind wondering what she is doing, who is she with? All of those factors, there was no way i could take her back. I had tough time making the difficult decision to break up with her, because I have never been through this before. I've never been cheated on, and now that i have, it is one of the most painful feelings I've ever experienced. Believe me taking her back did cross my mind, but in the end I know that that would have been the most disrepectful act I could have done to myself.

[Spectre]

Yep, for me a huge part of what hurts about it is the little things it takes away from you. One girl who cheated I always thought had one of the sweetest laughs and a lot of times when I'd hear it..it would usually make me smile, especially if I was the one who was making her laugh. After she cheated I found myself still doing this, but one thing had changed in that now afterwards I always immediately felt a twinge of sadness and anger at her for it.

 

Sometimes when we would make love(as opposed to just having normal sex) I would have flashes of her with another guy. Obviously this type of sex can also make you feel a lot closer to your partner then you do for the normal type, but this feeling of closeness would also make me wonder if she ever felt this way with the other guy(and again this would happen during the act). Then during the times where after sex I'd be holding her in my arms..every now and then I would wonder if he held her this way too..and if she liked it(not physically, emotionally). Every time she'd say "I love you" in the back of my mind I'd wonder "do you really?". It really hurts knowing they made it so your first reaction to them saying they love you is to wonder if it is true, especially when that is something that when you hear it..it should make you feel good.

 

The relationship had been tainted and her actions turned moments in the future that should of been special into moments that were hurtful. Just another example of why people need to really think before they throw all that away.

Edited November 21, 2013 by Spectre

[fixing]

Very sad and sorry to read your OP sir. It is truly devastating. But, she made that choice and willingly slept with that wanker. Damage is irreversible im afraid. Never question your true natural reaction either. Like you said, 'all respect was gone' Thats it my friend. Time to move on.

I know your pain, let me tell you, that i met a soul mate whom i wanted to grow old with, im your age too. She was perfect in everyway. But i found out through facebook, that my ex had slept with a guy and was joking and talking about it with him behind my back. That was 13 months ago. Im still NC, but im still not over such unforgivable betrayal. ONCE A CHEATER, ALWAYS A CHEATER THOUGH. I since found out, that my whore of an ex, was cheating on and off with a 'male friend' the whole 15 months we were together. Trust me, she would have done it again, and she may not have mentioned other instances to you.

Everyone must pay for their actions. She will find out the hard way now that she lost the perfect man. Go No contact and begin the recovery of healing. Post here, and dont talk to her again.

[MasonJarTeaDrinker]

This really sucks man, good thing you let her go it's not going to work in the long run. It's really hard to get over that stuff but with some time you will start to forget and you eventually will find another girl.

 

Trust me she wasn't thinking about you. I have a long term girlfriend and then I have a girl on the side and every time I do her I don't think about my girlfriend even thought I keep telling myself that I love her. however I can't get the balls to tell her, so just be glad this girl actually told you and let you make the final decision. I wish I had enough guts to do that and let my girl know.

[Maxtor]

I did not really felt lack of respect towards my first boyfriend when I cheated on him with two other guys.

 

I DID feel lack of respect towards him later on, when he said he wants to work it out, yet kept bringing it up and even picking fights with me.

 

So no, cheating isn't always sign of disrespect. But I can't say it never happens or it doesn't come later.

 

Lol worst post i have seen so far. You dont want us to spit venom at her because you and her are the same thing. Disgusting.

[bubbaganoosh]

javi002

 

There is one big lesson to learn and you stated it in your opening thread.

 

No woman is perfect. Matter in fact no man is either. We all have our faults and now you had to find out the hard way and I'm sorry that you did. Just don't make the same mistake twice and think that anyone can walk on water.

 

As far as these friends treating her like she was one of the guys, well she's not a guy, and someone found out that night. You did the right thing by leaving her.

 

If your going to give her the cup with your pictures on it, my advice is not to but if that's what you want to do, then mail it. Don't call her or hand it to her. It will only open the wound that's trying to heal.

[Whyareyoumyfox]

This really sucks man, good thing you let her go it's not going to work in the long run. It's really hard to get over that stuff but with some time you will start to forget and you eventually will find another girl.

 

Trust me she wasn't thinking about you. I have a long term girlfriend and then I have a girl on the side and every time I do her I don't think about my girlfriend even thought I keep telling myself that I love her. however I can't get the balls to tell her, so just be glad this girl actually told you and let you make the final decision. I wish I had enough guts to do that and let my girl know.

 

Dude

 

You're terrible.

[worldgonewrong]

I did not really felt lack of respect towards my first boyfriend when I cheated on him with two other guys.

 

Cheaters generally don't.

[amy4]

You did the right thing.

 

The way you guys were sounds just like me and my boyfriend. Long story short, my bf met a girl at a club that his friend invited, she was flirty, he ended up kissing her drunk, he didn't remember and i found out from the girl. The girl asked for my bfs number, they texted, my bf asked her to hangout (nothing happened) but he asked her for the wrong reasons. he realized it was so wrong, never talked to her again.

I almost broke up with him. He always said he would never cheat, i had nothing to worry about, he wants me and to marry me.

Its super hard when you love someone so much and have that type of special relationship. If you ever thought it was something you did, your wrong.

I believe bad situations, with drinking can lead to bad decisions. stupid mistakes. this guy meant nothing to your ex, but she still did what she did.

 

you can forgive, but you cant forget. rebuilding trust, and making things work is super tough after something like this.

 

i think what she did was way crossing the line, something that can't be fixed. hell i have been feeling horrible for months over some stupid drunken kiss. Its not easy. sometimes i even wonder if i should stay with my boyfriend but i have forgave him and i try my best to move forward. if you had stayed with her...it would have been one extremely bumpy ride, with arguments about trust.

 

shes not a horrible person people just make mistakes, even in love.

In future, always keep an eye on your partner if they are drinking. it sucks but its true. From my experiences, and my friends, drinking and being in certain situations leads to cheating often. I even kissed a total stranger at a club once drunk when i was with my ex. I was younger..21 but that's no excuse. I didn't even tell him about it. And now my bf has done that same thing to me pretty much. karma?

 

I believe everything happens for a reason, i always have. the girl of your dreams is out there, whether its this girl or another one, it will work out in the end. it always does.

best of luck.

[Spectre]

As for drinking, this is always a bit of a red flag to me if my gf ever wants to go out and get wasted around other men without me around.

[Spectre]

shes not a horrible person people just make mistakes, even in love.

 

I am not saying she is a horrible person, but this is a pretty dangerous road to go down. Do not chalk this up to a mere "mistake". You do not mistakenly remove your clothes and sleep with another person, that is a flat out choice you make.

 

She's not a horrible person, but she made a clear choice to cheat on someone she claimed to care for and "love". The whole "people make mistakes" line really just flat out is not a good enough excuse in this type of situation.

[sidney2718]

Holy Crap Kate what the heck? Seriously, cheating may not mean you are a horrible person, but you DEFINITELY do not care about or respect a person you cheat on. I'm sorry, you just do not do this. It is as simple as that, actions speak louder then words and cheating is among the loudest actions a person can do when it comes to showing how they really feel about another person. Also she cheats and then lies to his face by claiming he is "her world". That kinda sounds like a form of manipulation to me.

 

If a relationship is so amazing and a person truly cares and respects their partner? Nope, cheating is not ever going to occur. If someone isn't cut out for monogamy then you STAY AWAY from monogamous relationships. That's like if I'm allergic to peanuts, but I'm too foolish to stop eating the things.

 

If you cheat on a person, if you lack the capacity to either dump them or admit to them that is just the type of person you are before you cheat..then there is no way you have any respect for them. The fact that you would even feel after such treatment you could just equates to even more disrespect in my opinion.

 

I get that you may feel some are too harsh on cheaters and cheaters certainly aren't horrible evil people, but there is a world of difference between that and thinking that anyone who truly cared or respected their partners would treat them like this. If you feel cheating doesn't show disrespect and lack of caring I am almost afraid to ask you how far you feel this girl would need to go before it shows she doesn't care. What does she have to do to prove this if cheating doesn't?

 

 

I take a different view. Some are more than harsh, some are actually destructive. You say above that "but you DEFINITELY do not care about or respect a person you cheat on." What if you were drunk out of your gourd and high as well? What then? Are you totally responsible for your actions?

 

The OP wrote of the confession: "She said it was mistake, that it didnt mean anything, that she was so drunk and so high..." And most everyone here, including the OP have ignored that.

 

Yes, the gf is responsible for both the drugs and the drinking that basically removed her ability to think rationally. In fact, the OM may be technically guilty of rape since she may have been too destroyed to give informed consent. But if she was both drunk and high, she probably is NOT legally responsible for the sex.

 

Now I'm not here to argue legal technicalities. I am here to ask for a little consideration and a little gentleness when dealing with real problems.

 

My understanding is that we are hear to help the folks who come to this forum. The first thing we try to do is to support the OP in his or her loss. The next thing is NOT to give advice, but to try to figure out what happened and what the OP really wants. Then and only then should we give serious life-changing advice.

[fixing]

Come off it mate. That is like 99% of cheaters excuses. "I was so drunk, i, i, i didnt know what i was doing, i, i just, i, omg it meant nothing, just so drunk'

 

She knew perfectly well what she was doing, and if she had been raped like you suggest is possible, i guarantee you this thread wouldnt have been started and that man would be up before the courts charged with rape.

 

Btw, being drunk or high is no excuse. Nobody in the world would ever be banned from drink driving if that excuse was valid.

 

She is responsible for her actions, and she is responsible solely for whatever behavour, loss of judgement may occur due to her inebriation.

 

OP did the right thing kicking her ass out. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

 

Keep up the no contact and cut her out of your life mate. Actions have consequences and she must learn from it.

[FrankieFrank]

I take a different view. Some are more than harsh, some are actually destructive. You say above that "but you DEFINITELY do not care about or respect a person you cheat on." What if you were drunk out of your gourd and high as well? What then? Are you totally responsible for your actions?

 

The OP wrote of the confession: "She said it was mistake, that it didnt mean anything, that she was so drunk and so high..." And most everyone here, including the OP have ignored that.

 

Yes, the gf is responsible for both the drugs and the drinking that basically removed her ability to think rationally. In fact, the OM may be technically guilty of rape since she may have been too destroyed to give informed consent. But if she was both drunk and high, she probably is NOT legally responsible for the sex.

 

Now I'm not here to argue legal technicalities. I am here to ask for a little consideration and a little gentleness when dealing with real problems.

 

My understanding is that we are hear to help the folks who come to this forum. The first thing we try to do is to support the OP in his or her loss. The next thing is NOT to give advice, but to try to figure out what happened and what the OP really wants. Then and only then should we give serious life-changing advice.

 

Yes, you totally are responsible for your actions drunk or high. Because you let yourself get drunk and high in the first place, I highly doubt you were held captive and had alcohol poured down your throat and weed smoke shoved down your lungs.

 

Since you bring legality, ask yourself: does someone who vandalizes stuff, picks fights or even kills someone while drunk and high should be absolved for responsibility for that stuff just because "they were drunk and high"? I don't think so.

 

Besides, OP broke up with his gf anyways, as I read the thread, it's more of like "what would you do?" post fact rather than "I don't know what to do, please help". Good for him I'd say.

Edited December 11, 2013 by FrankieFrank

[jonny walker]

sorry for your loss

but remember one thing bus,trains,ladies if goes there will be another one for you just be patient men

[freetolove]

wow so sorry to hear =( leaving her is probably your best bet but I imagine it would be very difficult.

[freetolove]

...major props for being so honest.

 

This really sucks man, good thing you let her go it's not going to work in the long run. It's really hard to get over that stuff but with some time you will start to forget and you eventually will find another girl.

 

Trust me she wasn't thinking about you. I have a long term girlfriend and then I have a girl on the side and every time I do her I don't think about my girlfriend even thought I keep telling myself that I love her. however I can't get the balls to tell her, so just be glad this girl actually told you and let you make the final decision. I wish I had enough guts to do that and let my girl know.

[road]

Thank you all for the support. You're right I will never be able to trust her again. Trust was the foundation of this relationship and it is what made us so strong, until she crippled it. Just as a correction, I guess I didnt quite make it clear. It wasn't the first night she was out without me, and with this group of guys. These are her friends and she knew them way before she met me. She told me before nights like this would always go down, and they always treated her as if she was one of the guys, and nothing ever happened. And I know her, and i do believe her. However she messed up, and it is one and done. Aliveagain, you nailed it on the head, she needs to work on herself. Thats where I worry about her because her family is crazy, and I was her shining star when everything turned dark on her. But theres nothing I could do now, she's on her own. She made her choice. I'll stay positive and move on. Thank you all for the quick responses, and I hope to be an active member of this board.

 

 

 

Guys and girls can not be friends. The guy will always eventually want to bang the girl.

 

 

Dating is the job interview for marriage. She failed.

[road]

Actually, I don't justify anything.

 

I just say how it looks like from offending side.

 

I haven't even once said that what she did was good. I haven't even said so about myself.

 

But it is what it is and time can't be turned back. So now what, do I have have to wear scarlet letter or something for the rest of my life? I was 17 when I did that. You haven't done anything bad as teenager?

 

FYI I've met with my ex first bf a while ago and we have no problem being civil with each other. I don't hold grudges anymore and he doesn't seem to either.

 

 

 

Guy's use to joke years ago that even if you are not queer but if you only once sucked a c%^k you would always be the guy that was a c$%ksucker.

 

 

You always will be the girl that cheat. Cheated twice. You can never uncheat. Not even once. It has become part of you because it is part of your past. The girl that cheated twice.